AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Let's just move on to Thursday, shall we? DATE: 6/16/2010 09:56:00 PM ----- BODY:
Don't ask me why I said it. I don't know. It's a dumb thing to say if you don't really want to leave somewhere.

"Christopher, if you don't start listening to me and calm down, we are going home."

Well, damn if we didn't leave five minutes after me saying that. And I didn't want to leave. Colin and I were enjoying music class - except for the part where Christopher was acting like a little hellion.

It's been that kind of day. Upon leaving music class, we didn't actually go home, we went to the grocery store where I proceeded to do all of my shopping and go to check out only to find that I had no wallet.

Great.

Meanwhile, I'm getting news that my momma has either had a heart attack or a stroke, and they aren't sure which one if either, but she's driven herself home from the store so she can go to the ER. I swear this woman is still alive not because of modern medicine, but because she is just too damn stubborn for cancer.

For crying out loud. I hate this day.

P.S. Momma just finished a hamburger and is enjoying a lovely blood thinner drip now. Doesn't that just somehow seem wrong? Just ribbing you, Momma.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Melissa (@adventuroo) DATE:Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 10:11:00 PM EDT oh sheesh I'm so sorry about your mom. Hope she's okay!

As for the kiddo, I'm always saying to myself: CRAP I wish I didn't make that threat! I do it all the time so I feel your pain! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Two Lines On a Stick DATE:Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 1:01:00 AM EDT Prayers for your mom! I miss chatting with you. I still can't reply to anything on the board :( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 7:11:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry to hear about mom! I will be keeping her in my prayers.

You're kids don't act up!! You lie! You have the two most perfect boys ever! ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 11:31:00 AM EDT Any more news about Momma?

Praying and hoping for good news. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Patricia DATE:Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 5:44:00 PM EDT Marty, you & your family are in my thoughts. I, too, pray and hope for good news. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Another battle in the war DATE: 4/01/2010 10:29:00 PM ----- BODY:
I hate cancer.

That's a really stupid thing to say. It implies that maybe someone out there doesn't hate it.

Momma's numbers are down and her scans show improvement. Not enough to get a break from chemo, but improvement nonetheless.

My friend Susan, however, did not have clean scans and is facing another battle.

The thing that makes me so angry is not the cancer itself. It's the freaking inconvenience. Susan has things to do. Great things because she is a freaking genius. Great things because she is an awesome mom. Great things that the world will have to wait on because of cancer.

We're brushing off our Team Whymommy badges. We're remembering when the wall of support started. We're lifting prayers and positive energy.

Keep fighting, SuSu. It's worth it. You make the world a better place.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Imstell DATE:Friday, April 2, 2010 at 12:17:00 AM EDT I think I need a new badge since I moved my blog... :-( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ilina DATE:Friday, April 2, 2010 at 8:59:00 PM EDT Want to join Team Dirt & Noise in the Race for the Cure? I'm adding Susan to our list, along with my friends Jenn and Jennifer who are mothers battling breast cancer too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Friday, April 2, 2010 at 10:34:00 PM EDT So sorry to hear Susan is fighting the fight again :( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous winecat DATE:Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 7:42:00 AM EDT Breast cancer sucks the big one. I've almost made it 4 years after being diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. Fortunately mine was found very, very early (tumor less than 1/4 inch).

I'm almost, yes almost 4 years out - May 6. I'm not a mom but who cares in this ugly battle?

My best wishes to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 10:57:00 AM EDT Thanks. Just ... thanks. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: More birthdays, please. DATE: 11/17/2009 05:53:00 PM ----- BODY:
More birthdays. That's what we keep getting with my momma. It's pretty awesome. There have been so many times when we've been told there would be no more birthdays, and yet today, here she goes again, getting older.

And I thank God everyday that she is.

I'm not just thankful for her birthdays. I'm thankful that she is here for my birthdays, Little Bird's birthdays, everyone's birthdays.

When I was seven, Momma was diagnosed with breast cancer and not given great odds. Then, in 2004 (I think, it's hard to even keep track now), she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Both diagnosis came with the very real threat of no more birthdays.

Yet, here she is, turning a glorious and beautiful 69 years old today. Happy birthday, Reverend Mother.

*************************************************************************
Ironically enough, today the U.S. Preventative Services Task Force issued a recommendation against routine mammograms for women in their 40's. They also poo-pooed the idea of regular clinical breast exams and educating women on monthly self breast exams.

From my wording, you can obviously tell that I'm extremely opposed to their recommendations. You can find a slightly less leaning and far more intelligent explanation of their study over at Toddler Planet. It's no surprise that my best friend is once again the voice of reason while I flame emotional.

I have the same emotional reaction to the lack of funding for Inflammatory Breast Cancer research. It doesn't get the funding or attention because not enough women die from it. I dare you to tell the women from Mothers With Cancer that NOT ENOUGH women die from IBC.

It's the same premise that the USPSTF is following though. Meh, only 3% more women died of breast cancer, and HEY! Look at all the money we save not doing routine mammograms on women in their 40's!

Bottom line. Frankly, I think you have to be a real asshole to only be able to see the bottom line. That was supposed to be a pun. I don't think it worked very well.

The American Cancer Society has started promoting "breast awareness" above the "monthly self breast exam." That's still dangerous, because you are really just playing with words there, but it's not the same as recommending that none of it is really that important because only 3% more women died.

Here's the thing, and I totally am stealing this thing from Susan. You have two breasts. If one of them starts to look different than the other, get thee to the doctor that very day. That's breast awareness.

Here's the other thing. I had my first mammogram on my 30th birthday. I haven't had one in about three years now due to pregnancy and breastfeeding, and I probably won't have another one until I'm 40 for the same reasons. But you - all my female friends - you need to be getting them. You need to be checking your boobies, and if you have any family history, tell your doctor you want your mammograms now. Get that baseline and then repeat every year. Your doctor can help you fight your insurance company if you need to. But start now before the world goes INSANE and starts listening to the USPSTF.

Just 3% more. Go ahead. Tell that to the 3%'s families who won't be getting any more birthdays with their loved ones.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous dawn DATE:Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 8:56:00 PM EST There's gotta be something to go with asshole, bottom line and colonoscopy..... but I'm too drunk to find it.

xoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mem DATE:Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 10:14:00 PM EST here here! votes for women! what makes me sad is that a lot of uninformed women will take that as to mean that its not necessary to check your breasts not just that it costs too much. how sad... another way women go without proper care in our horrific american society. and while you can choose to get any test and pay for it yourself, most women won't do that either. sigh. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 4:18:00 AM EST It is extremely interesting for me to read this post. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Time enough to know DATE: 8/03/2009 09:59:00 PM ----- BODY:
My brother and I grew up about a mile from on set of grandparents and just across town from our other grandmother. We saw them regularly. Spent every holiday with them. Had sleepovers with them. Ate Sunday dinners with them.

Now, my parents are 12 hours away. They live around the corner from my brother and his family. Momma talks about the grandchildren coming to play in their backyard. She tells me about the meals they share. Even the Fourth of July was a family gathering complete with a new croquet set for the grandparents' backyard. Bro's kids are taking full advantage of having their grandparents so close by, and that really makes me happy. They are growing up like I remember growing up. Close to family.

My children will have to do things a little differently. We will have to have phone calls and pictures. Emails and blogs replace time around the table. We have to cram a whole lot of loving into short bursts of time.

That's what we did last week. Little Bird spent the week with his Nana and Gee. They were a willing audience and always had a lap available for book time. They were initiated into the Yo Gabba Gabba fan club. Bird was quickly following his Gee around, knocking persistently on the bedroom door when Gee would manage to escape for a moment. There were hugs and kisses and "night night's" for everyone.

Today, Bird and I spent some time looking at pictures on the computer. We got to one of him sitting on Nana's lap, and he pointed while he said, "Nana."

"Yes, that's your Nana, Sweetie. Good job."

We got the the picture above, and I pointed to my daddy.

"Who is that?"

"Baby!"

"Yes, and who is that with Baby?"

"Gee!"

He called them both by name. I kissed his head and sent up a little thankful prayer that it was enough time for him to know them.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lincoln Warren DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 12:40:00 AM EDT Nice piece. I'm glad you had a good visit with your folks.

My old man, sister, and her kid came to Texas to see us last weekend. It was great.

Even though ya' know you're right where you need to be for your immediate family, it doesn't make being states away from the extended crowd any easier..... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stuart DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 8:36:00 AM EDT Good stuff Marty. Tonya spent some similar time with our extended family in Memphis last week, but came away thankful for the geographic 'buffer zone' ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:23:00 PM EDT That makes me cry, in a happy way. Super sweet. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:52:00 PM EDT You're right, when you live far from family pictures and phone calls have to be the way to keep in touch, but it works. My family lives 3 states away and my boys are very close with their grandpa, aunt/uncle and cousins. When they were young like little Bird we would constantly talk about each member so they would know who each person was. Sounds like you're off to a great start. He can already recognize them in pictures. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 6:56:00 PM EDT Okay, you made me cry again and will shed more tears when I read your words to Dad. We knew when you were growing up how special it was to have grandparents close--we never took it for granted. But, we never considered what it would be like when you and T3 were grown with your own families. Thanks for the time and for making us "known" to Bird. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Convertible Girl DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 8:02:00 PM EDT What a blessing for all of you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Thursday, August 6, 2009 at 9:25:00 AM EDT I know these feelings well. I grew up in the same zip code as my Dad's parents but we are now 900 miles away. Despite this, my kids have a great relationship with my parents. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: The big scary Bible DATE: 3/03/2009 09:00:00 PM ----- BODY:
Little Bird and I like to go to the library. We read in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night before bed. We love books. I quickly learned that books are expensive, and that even though Mama gets bored of the same board books morning, noon, and night, it just isn't in the budget to keep buying books. And why should we when we can just go to the library?

Our trips to the library are short, as Little Bird mainly likes to pull books off of the shelves and place them in the bins around that are for reshelving. He also likes to stand at the little short shelves of board books and pull them out one at a time, examine the front and back of each book, and then hand it to me. I put some back and pull some to check out and take home.

The very first book Little Bird "selected" yesterday was a big sparkly book about Noah's Ark. We haven't started learning Bible stories yet - unless you count him chucking the baby Jesus from his Fisher Price nativity set with me crying out, "Noooooo! Don't throw the Son of God!" so I thought it would be good to start. I'll bet the Reverend Nana agrees.

When we got home, we sat down on the couch to read. I opened up the Noah's Ark book, and began,

"Noah was a good man.
He lived a holy life.
He had three grown-up sons,
And a kind and loving wife."

Okay. That's a nice story. Next page.

"God will send a frightening flood
To cover all the land.
And as the water rises,
There'll be no place left to stand.

I have to wipe the world clean
Because my people are so bad.
But I'll save you and your family,
So Noah, don't be sad."

Holy crap. I know the story. I went to a Presbyterian day school. I know all the stories. It hadn't occurred to me how freaking scary they are until now.

Evil snake in the garden. Cain and Abel. Job and the series of unfortunate events. Daniel getting thrown to the lions. Jonah and the whale. Then of course, the torture and crucifixion of Jesus. They are all freaking nightmare stories.

I believe in a God of grace and mercy. I want for my son to know of the goodness and kindness. He should know of the grace.

I guess that you have to tell the stories like these to get to the grace. I mean, the story of grace in my life involves death, divorces, and miscarriages. It's not a pretty story, it's just a happy ending. But without the first part of the story, there can be no grace.

Tell that to a 13 month old. No thanks. For now, I'm skipping over the story of the flood and just talking about the animals on the big boat. I think I'll leave out drunken Noah too, just for good measure.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous nikki DATE:Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:46:00 PM EST This made me laugh and cringe at the same time. It's always struck me as odd that Noah's Ark is such a popular theme for children's books/toys/etc. - when it's actually a morbid little tale.

I've been meaning to write an entry about scary themes in children's books, because of a Dr. Seuss book (of all things) that A. got for her birthday. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Daily Verses DATE:Tuesday, March 3, 2009 at 9:47:00 PM EST I understand your thoughts. It is a fine line of balance, teaching the Bible to children. I often have to think through what and how much I will tell my 4 1/2 year old daughter. Faith is both simple and complicated, as is grace. Follow your instincts and you will lead Little Bird in the right direction, in the right time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kim Moldofsky DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 8:55:00 AM EST I suppose you'll be holding off on the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, too. It's definitely an R-rate book in parts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 11:27:00 AM EST I like to focus on the positive side of that story - that Noah planned ahead, that he carried through with a task despite how ridiculous everyone thought he was, and that in the end - the world was renewed with hope, rainbows and dry land. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Laura DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 12:51:00 PM EST That's all leading to the perfect question: "Why did Jesus have to die on the cross?" (Never mind that I'm 5, and the idea of "die" is a little fuzzy for me.)

The flip side is being able to deal with smart-*** teenagers. 6th grader asked, "Preacher, where's the sex in the Bible?" He got kind of embarrassed when Preacher started reading Song of Solomon. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 4:53:00 PM EST The scariest thing I've ever read was the Precious Moments version of the Old Testament. The pictures are, well, precious, but the words they've chosen are the scariest ever.

Yeah. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 7:51:00 PM EST You hit the nail on the head. An interim minister we had once defined Grace as "God's riches at Christ's expense." I don't claim to understand the whys and wherefores, but just am thankful that I am a recipient of those riches. You will know when it is appropriate to teach CC that there are consequences--but that grace is bigger! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 11:15:00 PM EST Dude, Whymommy. You SENT that book to us! It really frightening. I would have quoted it too if I hadn't PACKED IT THE HELL UP.

Snicker. I love that you sent it. Made me laugh. A lot. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Beautifully Unique DATE:Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 9:51:00 AM EST I totally understand where you are coming from. I searched through several books before I decided on the right one for us. I purchased Sister "My First Read and Learn Bible" from Scholastic and the wording and all is a lot less harsh than some of the other books. You might look it up if you get the chance. The parenting stuff is hard work, lol. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 4:19:00 PM EST For Carson's baptism, he received a toddler bible. One of the stories is about men burning in a fire, complete with pictures. I always skip over that story. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Friday, March 6, 2009 at 12:34:00 PM EST I'm with you! Teach him the joy of the stories, not the fear!

Good luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 9:56:00 PM EST In my defense, I told you beforehand that it scared the hell out of me, right? Right?

It was in some forboding translation too. Not even King James, as I recall, but one with harsh tone, totally inappropriate for the infants the pictures were aimed at.

And good. I was wondering where that book had got to. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Living within the lines DATE: 8/29/2008 09:09:00 PM ----- BODY:
There are fine lines between optimism, realism, and pessimism. I wrestle with which lines I will live within all the time.

I am aiming for optimism with a few toes over the line in realism.

It works most of the time. Sometimes it lets me down. Like when Kevin and I were first looking at houses. I was insistent that we needed a guest bed and bath on the first floor for when my parents came to visit us. I didn't want them climbing stairs all the time during their visits.

They aren't coming to visit anymore. They cannot.

My dancing around in optimism land had made me not realize that. It didn't dawn on me that their visit in June was their last visit here.

Now that Momma has started chemo again, I find myself trying so desperately hard to remain optimistic. One thing that has helped that is that I know that the better I am at handling it, the easier it is on her. I didn't understand that until I was a mother. But I understand now that one of the hardest parts of her illness is knowing how much her children hurt for her, and for ourselves.

So I keep my foot, at least one at all times, across the line of optimism. It is all I can do some days to plant it there, but I want to be hopeful.

Hopeful for one more birthday.

One more Christmas.

One more New Year.

Little Bird's first birthday.

And as we pass each milestone, I'll dig my heels in a little more to hope for another.

Because like Andrea, the late Punk Rock Mommy said, "I am not “dying”. I am living with a terminal illness that eventually I will die from." Momma knows this statement well.

Momma is still living. I know it is hard, or rather I can only imagine how hard, to take the chemo again and again. But I'm so grateful for every extra day it gives us with you.

And I am hopeful that we are talking about many many many extra days.

I am so grateful for our trip to BlogHer this year, and for pictures like this.
Little Bird and his Nana.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:14:00 AM EDT You said it.

And really ... isn't one day at a time the only way to live?

Whether we're looking forward or looking back, we really only do have that day under our control.

Best to you and your Momma and Daddy. (G-Daddy!) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen @ a journey of hope DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:34:00 AM EDT i could have written this post myself, however much less eloquently... esp. the being a mom and knowing how much it hurts our children to see us hurting... so hard. i am trying to live within the lines too, right there with ya. much love. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 8:24:00 AM EDT Momma will always be with you. Much love, many thoughts and even more prayers my friend. I don't even pretend to know how you feel but I am always just a phone call away. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 10:50:00 AM EDT What a beautiful picture.

I've read your Mom's blog a few times and I am always in awe of her total and complete trust in God and faith. It is so inspiring to me, as is her strength.

It really is all about one day at a time and taking what that day brings in the best way possible. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:30:00 PM EDT Oh Sweetie, I hear you. Sometimes you wonder who is putting the brave-front up for whom.

Here's to living life - one memory at a time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Unkempt Mommy DATE:Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 7:43:00 PM EDT I love that picture. And your attitude. {{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 11:48:00 PM EDT What a hard time in life it is. You are much more graceful than I could be. Big hugs to you and your family! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 1:46:00 AM EDT Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. But, I am sure that there will be many many more days of love and sunshine with you, the grandparents, and all those two beautiful kiddos under your roof.

BTW, I found you a house... ;)
http://andria-and-co.com/2008/09/01/house-hunting-for-friends/ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Magpie DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 3:04:00 PM EDT Oh hon. It's hard, so hard. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 3:13:00 PM EDT it's hard when you realize belatedly that the last time really WAS the last time.

but...one day at a time is really all any of us can count on, we just generally aren't forced to face it all the time.

best of luck to your Momma. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 7:07:00 AM EDT I agree... Your mom is always in my prayers and in my thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sarah S. DATE:Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 12:57:00 PM EDT Your words touched me greatly! I am a mom with cancer and I worry for my girls everyday. One day at a time, live life for the little things that God gives us, little blessings everyday. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Friday, September 5, 2008 at 10:21:00 AM EDT It must be so hard. You have such a beautiful attitude, but it must be so hard. I wish you mom success with her chemo. I'll send good thoughts her (and your) way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 12:53:00 PM EDT How beautifully put. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Right now, today DATE: 6/17/2008 06:00:00 PM ----- BODY:
Christopher has been baptized. Sunday, his Nana stood in front of the congregation with us and baptized her youngest grandson.

I honestly didn't think that we would get to see this day. I didn't think my mom would be here for this day.

My momma and I had good conversations last week. There is something about a daughter becoming a mother that makes the grandmother/mother and mother/daughter bond even stronger. I feel closer to my mother than I ever have before.

While we were talking last week, I realized that I've spent an awful lot of time and energy on being sad for my parents' health. Granted, they rarely get good news when they go to the doctor, but so far, neither of them have been told that they were going to die that same day.

Susan's post, A moment spent moping, really hit home. It's not just the patients who are angry at cancer or spend their time wishing for the "what could have been's" of a different diagnosis. As the daughter of an ovarian cancer patient and a Parkinson's patient, I do the exact same thing.

What this means is that I have spent the past six years mourning the loss of my parents over and over and over again. Every time there is a new diagnosis, I mourn.

That seems like a complete waste of time now.

Each day that I still have them is a gift.

In all honesty, it doesn't always feel that way. Each day that I still have my mother is a gift, but some of the days with Daddy are down right hard. I have so much anger for what has been taken from him and from us. It is harder to apply the "each day is a gift" to a disease which erodes my father's mind and body in waves of dust and huge chunks of his life.

But Momma.

Her scans are not clean. Her ca125 is rising again. She will start chemo again, maybe this fall.

And I can type that without crying. Finally.

Momma is still here. She is still fighting. She is still winning. Right now.

Every minute I spend thinking ahead at what she will miss is a minute I've spent not enjoying her while she's here.

She was here to meet my child. She was here to hold my child. She was here to baptize my child. All things that I had mourned the loss of in 2002 when she was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer.

Sure. My momma is going to die much sooner than I would like for her to, and we all know it. The knowing makes it hard. But would there be a time in my life when I wouldn't be devastated to lose her? She could be 97 years old and I would still be heartbroken when she passed.

So today I vow to stop mourning my parents before they are gone. It's not fair to them, and it's not good for me.

That also means, Momma, that you have to stop labeling all your stuff all the time too. I may love your pewter goblets, but I don't want them anytime soon.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:28:00 PM EDT beautiful post, M.

i'm trying desperately to wrap my head around the "live for the moment" idea but my mom is just falling apart under the weight of her diagnosis and i am unravelling myself with the fears of what is to come... i just had no idea how much grieving there was to this, and i don't know how to help her which is the hardest part. she's pushing me away right now saying you just don't understand, and i guess i really don't (how can i?) but i am pretty sure what she's doing now isn't good for her and how can i get her to believe in HOPE and live for right now, today? i'm so lost. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:48:00 PM EDT I love this. Good for you, Canape. I like to see you more positive.

It's not easy ... on either side ... but all you can do is try.

Jen -- my heart goes out to you today. I think it's very very hard to learn to put the sadness aside. How long has your mom had to mourn? She may need a few days; she may need more. And while it's true you don't understand, and I think you both know that, it's wonderful that you're there. What about if you started with "I know I don't understand, Mom, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you." Then just sit with her one day. Go with her to treatment if she's having any. Bring a book, your knitting, or a picture album that you always wanted to go through with her. Keep her company, right where she is.

Just some ideas -- I'm not a professional. Is there a professional at your mom's hospital who works with families who could help you both with perspective? There's a lot out there.... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 7:26:00 PM EDT What a great post. I too spend too much time sometimes in the past, and fearing the worst. Like Jen said, I'm trying to wrap my head around living for the moment.
Lol at the labeling bit-- My mom is one of 7, and at my Grandma's house, if you flip over any random object you will find a name scrawled in pencil or pen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:00:00 PM EDT Every minute you sit there coulda-shoulda-woulda-ing is one less that you could be doing something to make the people involved happy. Like your folks, who're alive and functional btw. And yourself. By calling them on that telephone thingie that us 30-somethings trashed long ago in favor of Mr. Qwerty. Or doing whatever else twists your tootsie rolls and those of your parents.

Kick this pity stuff to the curb, Mar-tay. Worthless. Now or anytime. Absolutely, totally, completely worthless. Love on your folks and family and forget the rest of whatever it is you waste time worrying about.

Hugs, kisses, & baseball-

Cliff ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:11:00 PM EDT Not only is this such a touching post, all the comments are as well. My mother is a breast cancer survivor and I often forget how easily I could have lost her. Especially with her living so far away, it was easy to put it all out of my mind. When my folks visit, I worry about their future - how they handle their money and their health. It's hard to just be grateful they are here and my kids have relationships with them. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:26:00 PM EDT Hey, on a brighter note, where are the BAPTISM PHOTOS? I wanna see some yummy baby pics! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 10:35:00 PM EDT Thanks for what you wrote, precious daughter of mine. I do, indeed, live for today. It's what I know we have, but I also think about the what if's and the things I know to be true about this terrible disease. I think about Dad and want to scream at the injustice of it all. Being with you, holding my youngest makes me think about the future even more--not the one with a family member missing, but one with all of us present, remembering memories of old and making some of our own, those you will share with your grandchildren. Dad and I are blessed beyond measure!! And we know it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 10:52:00 PM EDT Hi there Mrs. S! Hope you are good. Northpointe is not the same without you guys there. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kelly DATE:Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 2:42:00 PM EDT Great post! I'm glad you are trying to stop mourning now. You are right, you'll never be really ready to lose a parent. Enjoy them now. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I'm thankful for the things we did experience together.

My grandma does the labeling too ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Daily Verses DATE:Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 11:10:00 PM EDT Very inspiring perspectives, from everyone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous mamma knows DATE:Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 12:47:00 PM EDT The unknown is so scary, enjoy them. Great post. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 3:57:00 PM EDT No one knows what tomorrow holds and we all would be better off if we could live for today...but it is hard when you KNOW your tomorrows are limited. I hope you can stop mourning them before their time....its a beautiful though and a gift for them and for your son. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Blue DATE: 6/16/2008 02:12:00 PM ----- BODY:
Do you ever have one of those days when you have a dozen things to write about swirling around in your head, but you are just too blue to get any of them out well?

I miss my mom who left this morning.

Nothing else seems worth saying.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lisa DATE:Monday, June 16, 2008 at 2:30:00 PM EDT Am sorry to hear you're blue. Can completely see why tho.

Am catching up on what I've missed lately. Love the meme you created. Very cool. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Monday, June 16, 2008 at 3:36:00 PM EDT (((Hugs))) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Monday, June 16, 2008 at 6:14:00 PM EDT I always feel the same way when my parents leave. I'm so excited to have them arrive. It's mostly really easy having them here. Then we might get on each other's nerves and it is time for them to go. And then as they are packing up the car, I get so sad and start to miss them already. Sigh... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:28:00 AM EDT Well, that explains it. Makes me sad too. Love & Hugs ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Family friends DATE: 6/04/2008 09:15:00 AM ----- BODY:
A week from Sunday, Guy and I will have our son baptized.

My mother, who is a Presbyterian minister, will stand up in front of our church and baptize her newest grandson. I prayed a long time that she would be able to do this.

I don't have a lot of family really. The relatives that we went to visit in Georgia over Easter don't travel. I invited the cousin who is my age to come up and see us, and he proclaimed that he doesn't go north of the South Carolina border.

My daddy's brother is not too far away, but we aren't close, and I don't think he would come.

My brother and his family require two minivans and a vacation notice from God himself to get to go anywhere. Apparently, if he leaves town, the church where he works will most certainly fall completely apart. The committee structure will crumble, members will flee to the nearest Pentecostal gathering, and the church building will fall into a sinkhole that leads straight to hell.

Seriously. They won't let him ever leave. Their real pastor is a lazy pansyass, but that's a whole other story.

Guy's dad lives here. Papa, we call him. He is around just enough. Surprisingly, sometimes he isn't around as often as we would like. But, he's got his own life going on, and we are happy about that.

Guy's mom is no longer alive. He has an aunt with whom he is close, but she lives in Florida. I haven't even met her in person yet, only talked on the phone with her.

That's it. The extent of our extended family.

And that isn't enough to celebrate with us. Not in my book.

So I decided that our extended family would extend just a little farther for Bird's baptism. Not too far, just six friends who mean the world to me.

There are friends who are more like family than most of your extended family.

Those people who have answered the phone at 7:00 in the morning and listened to your hysterical cries of how your dog just got run over by a car and would you please meet me at the vet? And they did.

Those people who have told it to you straight when you needed to get your head out of your own ass and be a better friend. And hopefully I did.

Those people who stood up for you at your wedding. Or weddings.

Those people who have given you opportunities to become more than you thought possible. Who believed in your abilities and told you to go for it. And when you did? They were the first ones congratulating you on the other side.

Those people who have continued to love you through all the changes that have occurred.

These are the people who will be with us on Father's Day to baptize our son.

These are the people who will join us for a good ole traditional Southern luncheon afterwards complete with chicken salad, homemade biscuits, and Mrs. Gerber's sweet tea.

I don't make that tea for just anyone, you know.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 9:51:00 AM EDT Sometimes, family doesn't mean blood. They should be so honored as to be invited. Take photos, I will live vicariously through you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 10:10:00 AM EDT Girl is right.. family isn't always blood..

I'm SUPER happy to hear your mom is going to be there. That makes me smile for miles!

And yes, many pictures please! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jessica DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 10:24:00 AM EDT It seems over the past 5 years 90% of my family has passed away. You've read about it...
If it wasn't for all of you, my family, I would be without the support and love that I get on a daily basis. Girl knows what she's talking about on this one.
I love my family with all my heart and soul, and shockingly only about 10% of my family is actually related to me.
I am excited for you and Guy and so so so excited for Bird... How wonderful that his Grandmother can be the one to lift him up to the Lord, present him to the church... It's a blessing.
:) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Hf DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 10:33:00 AM EDT You enjoy the time with you "family" How cool that he is beng baptized on Fathers day! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 12:10:00 PM EDT "Family" most certainly can, and SHOULD, be chosen, not just related to you by blood! I am thrilled to hear you have such a lovely celebration planned.

Can't wait to see photos! I'll be thinking of you all on Father's Day.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 1:01:00 PM EDT i'm so happy your mum will be able to do the baptism...that's wonderful.

and family is more than blood, indeed. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slackermommy DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 1:47:00 PM EDT I hear ya! I don't have much family either but a few good friends who are like family. Two of them are Godparents to two of my kids. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Daily Verses DATE:Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 9:49:00 PM EDT It sounds like it will be a wonderful day. Enjoy every moment with your friends and family and that little bird. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Thursday, June 5, 2008 at 3:31:00 PM EDT I'm sure it will be a beautiful ceremony - can't wait to see the pics! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nita DATE:Saturday, June 7, 2008 at 1:22:00 PM EDT I am so happy for you. My family is every bit as extended as yours. How can you not call the friend that has been by your side for over 20 years family? And you're right, I sure did call her when I lost my beloved pet!

We have our baptism coming up in early August and we will have family and extended "family" there with us. I am so fortunate that not only will my 90 yo grandmother be there, but the pastor of our church, who was the same pastor when I was a child, will be conducting the ceremony. We are all so blessed. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Haiku Friday DATE: 1/11/2008 10:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
One for Bird . . .

I am so tired
Little Bird's not even here
Need to get some sleep.


One for Momma . . .

Momma's chemo works
Her ca125
Is down even more.


One for Lovely . . .

I love track out time
Hanging with my Lovely girl
Gonna learn to sew.


More haiku goodness over at Jennifer's place. Check them out. Even better yet, join in! 5-7-5 is a piece of cake.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Secret Agent Mama DATE:Friday, January 11, 2008 at 11:04:00 PM EST Get as much sleep as you can! Best wishes in the coming weeks!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous labugga DATE:Saturday, January 12, 2008 at 11:32:00 AM EST So glad to hear about Momma!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Saturday, January 12, 2008 at 7:20:00 PM EST Sewing's lots of fun,
Especially for Little Bird.
I would love to help.

Bach ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Sunday, January 13, 2008 at 11:17:00 AM EST just wanted to say how happy i am about your mom.

now get some sleep. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Monday, January 14, 2008 at 1:40:00 PM EST Sleep!! It won't be long now ;) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Semantics of cancer DATE: 12/05/2007 02:31:00 PM ----- BODY:
Whymommy linked to this post by Punk Rock Mommy yesterday. It isn't someone I have read before, but as far as reading a first post goes, this one will be sticking with me for quite some time.

Momma and I have talked about her chemo some. It doesn't dominate our conversations. It doesn't dominate her life.

There will be a time that she has to decide though, if the quality of life the chemo leaves her with is worth fighting for. She has assured me that now is not that time. I believe her.

The truth of the matter though is that Momma has cancer. She has cancer that will eventually lead to her death. We know this. What we don't know is how soon that will be. Of course we hope and pray it will be very far off. And maybe it will. We certainly have great hope and faith in that.

And so today, I found so much comfort in these words from Andrea, Punk Rock Mommy:

I am not “dying”. I am living with a terminal illness that eventually I will die from.

Andrea, Susan, my momma, are all people living with cancer. What an important distinction to make.

The last time my momma was going through chemo, I didn't call her much. I felt like I didn't have anything important enough to say. Like her time on earth here was precious and if I couldn't think of something wildly intelligent or relevant, that I probably shouldn't waste her energy.

I am a moron.

As Susan and I chatted on the phone this weekend, we laughed about old boyfriends. We talked about babies and naptime. We giggled like friends. Because we are. Susan is living with cancer and doing a damn fine job of it too. Adapting and adjusting to be the best mother, wife, daughter, and friend she can be. I would say it is amazing, but it's not.

It's just who she is and what she does.

So I add Andrea and her family to my prayers, and I say thank you to her for her words. Words that have reminded me once again that my momma and Susan are doing a superb job of living.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer DATE:Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 3:26:00 PM EST What an important reminder. And such an important distinction.

Great post.

Jennifer ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 6:56:00 PM EST Your words continue to touch the depths of my being. And your words are never empty or irrelevant. You should know by now that any time spent in conversation--frivolous, intelligent, whatever--with you and/or Bro makes my day. Yes, I am living with this dumb cancer just as Dad is living with Parkinson's. We may not have really long lives, but we have really good ones! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 9:38:00 PM EST Amen. Yes, yes, and more yes. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 9:58:00 PM EST Yeah. And I'll focus on that again too. Even if sometimes I need reminding. As Abreast in the World said today, TODAY is the best day of my life. And tomorrow will be even better.

I'd hug you, if I could get my arms around you! ;-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Wednesday, December 5, 2007 at 11:27:00 PM EST I haven't read the post yet but will do so now. This rings very true, and there is so much power in words that it really is important to get it right. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Chick DATE:Thursday, December 6, 2007 at 11:43:00 AM EST wow. thanks a million for commenting on CFT b/c now I have found you! loved getting to know you thru your blog which is wonderful. I just want to know more more more! where in NC? (I went to chapel hill)...fun that I have Little Chick and you have Little Bird on the way. really thanks again and I've subscribed. you have a new fan...cheers ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Thursday, December 6, 2007 at 3:04:00 PM EST Yes.

Exactly.

It's what I said to WhyMommy.

It's about the living, all about the living. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Friday, December 7, 2007 at 6:38:00 AM EST Awesome post. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Grown ups moved in DATE: 11/18/2007 11:51:00 AM ----- BODY:
Our bedroom now has furniture. We looked for over a year for something that we both liked that didn't cost 80 million dollars, and of course we ended up back at one of the first places we looked.

It isn't fancy, but it is handmade. It wasn't expensive, but it does look nice. Very simple and plain. Very functional. We love it. I won't be sad to see my Rubbermaid dressers go.

And, it is one more thing in my house that looks like what my mother has. It's getting a little creepy really. Every time I have a hand in picking out something, it ends up looking a lot like my mother's things. Thank goodness she has good taste.

The only thing I don't like about it is that the bed is incredibly tall. As I type this, perched like some sort of princess perched up high, Pupstar is whining by the side of the bed. She cannot in any way, shape, or form, begin to jump on this bed.

I'm thinking we might have to invest in some doggie steps. As seen on TV.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 12:18:00 PM EST I like a tall bed! Somehow it dresses up the act of going to bed. Because it takes more effort, perhaps. ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 12:44:00 PM EST I love high beds!
Congrats on the new furniture! I find the same thing..many of the things we own look just like things from my parents. Interesting... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 1:39:00 PM EST LOL at the high bed...I will never forget hauling myself over the side of the high converted waterbed. Good Times.

New furniture.....what a lovely foreign concept. Enjoy it sounds lovely.

Jenn - NMD ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 4:16:00 PM EST We have a high bed as well. Be careful going to the restroom at night.. I fell a few times. Im glad you have new furniture!! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paige Jennifer DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 6:29:00 PM EST A past beau had a ridiculously high bed. No matter what I did, I couldn't mount that thing sexily. I'd start with a sassy purr and end with an 'umph' and splat. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 6:34:00 PM EST I thought we were the only married couple living out of Rubbermaid. Now we are.... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 9:28:00 PM EST I love high beds too ... but they are a challenge for older dogs. We always had to pick up our senior fosters and put them on the bed ourselves! Or "forget" to put away a footstool or rubbermaid container at the foot of the bed for a few weeks. That works too.

So ... is she up? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mutha Mae DATE:Sunday, November 18, 2007 at 9:29:00 PM EST I've seen those doggie steps commercial. I kept thinking they seemed to be priced well, considering you get two of them. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Haiku Friday and I hate cancer, but who doesn't? DATE: 11/09/2007 07:36:00 PM ----- BODY:
Not in the mood for
Writing good haiku tonight
Chemo next Friday.


Find more and better haiku here.

*********

We are not foolish enough to think that Momma wouldn't have to go back on chemo at some point. Her cancer is a chronic condition. We know that.

So when she called today, and I could hear the news in the tone of her voice before her words were spoken, I didn't crumble. It didn't feel like a crisis. I didn't immediately run through all of the things I needed to cancel in order to catch a plane.

Now that they have moved, thank God, they are near my brother. Bro and Sil are great with them, and the grandchildren bring joy into their lives. There will be help. There will not be Daddy taking Momma a piece of bread folded in half and calling it a sandwich. Bless his heart. This is so huge. I'm so grateful that they are near family now.

I think she will be okay. I think they will zap it back again this time. I think that she will live long enough to know Little Bird and for Little Bird to fall completely madly for her.

But she won't be here in January. Not for the birth. After all the wrestling with whether or not it was a good idea for them to be here, the coming to terms with how I wanted her here even it was more work because of Daddy, after all that?

It isn't even an option.

And of course, that makes me want her more than ever. And I just feel really sad.

But I also want you for a long time, so we will compromise. Stay there and fight now. Come here after you've kicked some more cancer in the tush. Little Bird will want you to stick around for a long time.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Friday, November 9, 2007 at 8:24:00 PM EST Oh, damn. I'm sorry. Really sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Friday, November 9, 2007 at 8:33:00 PM EST Im sad for you reading this. Im sorry about your momma not being at the birth, but will pray and believe for her to kick her cancer! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Friday, November 9, 2007 at 9:32:00 PM EST Oh, Canape... How I wish I could give you a big ((hug)) in person.

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 9:17:00 AM EST Thank you for your words. They mean more and say more than you can even imagine. Dad says the birth is not out of the picture yet and you know the power of determination genes on both sides of your family. I love you for who you are. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Patois DATE:Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 9:38:00 AM EST Such a heart-wrenching haiku. Very moving. So sorry for you and your mom. Wishing her big success. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 10:15:00 AM EST I am so sorry my friend. I wanted my Mom so bad. I can only think you feel very much like I did and I would have been crushed had she not been there... you, your Mom, you family, they're always in our thoughts and prayers... pat that Bird from me. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 11:54:00 AM EST I'm so sorry ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mrs. Chicken DATE:Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 11:33:00 PM EST I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Cancer is a horrible disease, not only for the patient. It destroys so much in our lives that should be joyous.

But you'll have her. That is what counts, and she'll meet your Bird. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Sunday, November 11, 2007 at 3:57:00 PM EST I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you and your mom. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Sunday, November 11, 2007 at 8:10:00 PM EST I can't imagine; I'm so caught up in her and I don't even really know her.

Wish I could hug you right now, but know that I'm praying for you.

For all of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Magpie DATE:Sunday, November 11, 2007 at 8:13:00 PM EST I'm sorry - I hope she kicks cancer's butt and good. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous labugga DATE:Sunday, November 11, 2007 at 9:25:00 PM EST I have no words. Just hugs and prayers. I'm so very, very sorry, but I will send all my hope and positive thinking your way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Sunday, November 11, 2007 at 10:36:00 PM EST Canape, I'm so sincerely sorry too. So sorry.

My Mom has 'chronic' cancer too and every 6 months we wait for the news - to do chemo or not to do chemo. It weighs heavily on my heart, mind (and plans) at all times. But we do, what we have to do.

I feel your pain and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Monday, November 12, 2007 at 9:23:00 AM EST I'm sorry. Lots of prayers for Mom. I have faith that she'll kick it! God is on her side. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Monday, November 12, 2007 at 4:17:00 PM EST Damn. I'm sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, November 13, 2007 at 5:08:00 PM EST I'm sorry for your mama having to go through this again. And for you, that she won't be at Little Bird's birth. I know that is a very big deal. Please pass on my love to your mama and let her know she's in my prayers.

You are, too, you know. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Wednesday, November 14, 2007 at 6:20:00 PM EST I'm sorry. Big, tight, long hugs for you and the family. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Alone again, for now DATE: 10/29/2007 01:19:00 PM ----- BODY:
The house is quiet. Momma and Daddy left this morning. Lovely is at school and then goes to her mother's house for a couple of days. Guy is at work. Always at work. It's just me and the pups for now.

Daddy did very well here, I thought. The stairs are problematic, but we couldn't do anything about that. He was up and down during the night and got off of his medicine schedule one day, but these are things that happen at home too. Overall, I thought the visit went well, and I don't think it will be as much work as was anticipated if they come for Bird's arrival in January.

Daddy is used to doing things and being the boss man. It is difficult to keep your patience with him now that he needs constant help, but then tells you how to do what he needs help with. Either that, or he wants you to help him right that second, even if you are already doing something else for him. I know it must be one of the many things that frustrates Momma, and with good reason. I just hope she doesn't feel guilty for being frustrated or out of patience sometimes.

Taking them to the 3D ultrasound was my favorite part of the week. They were really excited to get to see Bird, and the tech even printed some extra pictures for them to take back. It was incredibly cool to get to share that with them.

And the trip was happy. Even with Momma's scans looming in the near future and the reality of more chemo getting closer by the day, it was a happy trip. Of course, we are comparing that to our last two visits, one of which I lost a baby, and the other of which she was in the ICU on a ventilator. Not exactly tough competition for this trip. But we were happy. Or at least, I was. I know Momma's worried that she may not get to see Little Bird other than in those pictures, but I just don't believe that. I think she will team up with chemo again and push the cancer back at least once more.

If it's even there. We don't even know if it's there yet.

Last night, the five of us played a domino game that Daddy had been wanting to teach Lovely all week. The strange thing was, he couldn't remember how to play it. Every time we got to his turn, we had to explain the rules again. He tried to quit because he was holding us up, he said, but nobody minded. So he stayed, and he played. And even with the bizarre fact that he had to be retaught how to play with every round, there was so much of his old self there. He joked around and even broke out into the same random song that Guy did at one point. We all laughed. A lot. And it was good.

But now it is quiet. And I'm facing the third trimester.

This baby is going to be here before we know it.

I hope we are ready.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 2:34:00 PM EDT You are ready, and you are going to be a wonderful mother. :)
That breaks my heart about your parents. They seem like such wonderful, caring, loving people. I hope they are around for a long, long time, and get to see your and Hubby's kids grow a little older.

As much as you love company, isn't it nice to have the house nice and quiet once again?! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Magpie DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 3:47:00 PM EDT Oh, heartbreaking about your parents.

It's nice though that they got to go to the u/s - I rather wanted my mom to come to one, but we just couldn't make it happen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 5:13:00 PM EDT You are SO ready!! You're ready because it's who you are, and you are a FANTASTIC mama!!

I loved hearing about your Dad and how much fun he had playing the game. What a blessing.

And I know 100% that your Mom will be around to see Little Bird, I'm accepting nothing else!

Miss you and can't wait to "meet" the babe! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 6:03:00 PM EDT Oh I'm glad it went well.

Momma will be there. She will. I know it.

How incredible that they got to be there for the ultrasound. Very cool.

Get your rest chica. That babe-o-lah will be here before you know it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 7:40:00 PM EDT The funny thing about babies is they show up when they are ready...and you just adjust! You will be surprised how ready to are, even if there are a few things left undone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 8:16:00 PM EDT You're ready. You were ready a long, long time ago.

Your visit sounds lovely, and I'm so happy that you had this time with them. You will always, always treasure this. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 8:48:00 PM EDT You are going to be a fantastic mother, Canape... You already are to Lovely. I just can't wait to see that Little Bird in "person", his ultrasound shots were so gorgeous.

Your parents actually sound much better than I thought they would be, after everything you've told us about them. I understand about your dad's "deterioration"... my own f-i-l went through Altzheimer's disease when I was expecting my first child. But, he lived to see his first granddaughter, and really KNEW her for several more years, which was incredible.

I'm certain that your momma and daddy are going to be there with you when Bird is born. They wouldn't miss it for the wide world. And it's going to be the most incredible experience in ALL of your lives!

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:03:00 PM EDT Oh darling, you couldn't be readier.

And your momma will see your little bird. I know it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:08:00 PM EDT I'm so glad that you had a nice visit with them. And that you learned a little more about what to expect with they are visiting when Little Bird comes. The image of your Daddy playing the game, busting out in random song, having to be reminded of the rules each turn... This made me laugh and tear up simultaneously. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:18:00 PM EDT I love hearing you talk about your parents. Kinda reminds me of visiting and playing with my Grands.

When the time comes, you are going to be an awesome Momma, you will be ready and we will be here to cheer you all on! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 12:06:00 AM EDT You are ready. You are ALREADY Little Bird's mama. You are.

And I think you know it, too. :-)

Love to Momma and G-Daddy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 10:05:00 AM EDT I'm so glad to hear things went well with your dad! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 5:00:00 PM EDT What a great visit!

Let me tell you, you can only be so ready for a baby. So relax...don't worry too much about being "ready" because it can only go so far. Then you'll be in for the wildest...and bestest!...ride of your life! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 7:24:00 PM EDT You are gonna be a great mommy to Bird! You do a great job with Lovely already! :)

Your parents sound amazing and its sad to know what they're going through. :(

YAY for a quiet house.. at least for a bit. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous LIBSMOM DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 7:45:00 PM EDT We are at the point, with my Dad that we have to remind him who people are. Not key people but like parents of other kids on my son's ball team. It's sad and he doesn't understand why we're surprised when he doesn't remember who these people are. He tells random stories that aren't related to the topic of discussion in a group and has completely given up on his quest to learn how to use a computer. So, so sad really. We're all practicing how to not seem surprised anymore.
I will pray that your Mom lives a long and fulfilling life loving on her grandchildren as the grow. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Little shards of truth DATE: 10/23/2007 03:40:00 PM ----- BODY:
I know. I'm supposed to be on break, visiting with my folks. And I am, but they need some quiet time, and so do I. Every once in awhile of course. So far it has been great having them here, and I think Daddy is doing really well. I am quite surprised actually. Pleasantly surprised.

He can't remember Lovely's name, and called her, "The little girl who lives here sometimes," which made me cry. But he can't help it, and it's not personal. I just continue to remind him, and Momma makes up for it by gushing about how wonderful she is. Which is true, so it's easy.

There is something on my mind though. Something that I need to flesh out, and I might as well try to do it here. I don't really want to go back to therapy right now if I can help it.

Guy wants to know why I think the hospital is the enemy. Why I feel like I will be fighting them tooth and nail to get the birth that I want for Little Bird to have. And while I'm not even convinced that I do feel that way, it is an interesting question.

I know that I want to be comfortable at the hospital. Comfortable as in relaxed and confident that I am being listened to and have first say in what is going on as long as things are moving along safely. I don't want to feel as though I'm being treated like someone who is sick or incapable of taking care of themselves. I want to feel strong, and I want to feel prepared.

So maybe I do feel that way. Maybe I do feel like I won't have much of a say and like everything is happening "to me" instead of "with me."

Little shards of truth still lay under my skin I guess. Things I haven't said aloud. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Laying under my skin and growing scars around them that are ugly and infected.

1. I had never been in the hospital before my D&C.

2. The last thing I said to anyone before they put me under was, "I don't care if he's dead. I don't want you to take my baby."

So there. It is really not a mystery. Just some things in my head I haven't learned to live with yet. Things that I didn't even know might be an answer when Guy asked the question the other day.

They probably have a lot to do with an answer. I know it's not the same. I know the two experiences are not related. I know all the logical answers.

Funny how none of that matters when you let your fears guide you.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 4:10:00 PM EDT Oh sweetheart. When I say them out loud, the fears often loose thier power. I hope the same for you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EDT Oh, honey. Who could blame you for that level of apprehension about hospitals, even if there's no medical professional to blame for what happened?

But do try to remember that often a birth plan has to be scrapped on a dime. It happened twice with me. And there was really no use being sad about it (though I was, for a time). Ben and Jack ended up healthy, even if they had to be brought into the world via emergent C-section. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:10:00 PM EDT Fear, my dear is completely irrational. Im sorry you are scared. I hope and pray that your birth experience is wonderful and that they listen to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:30:00 PM EDT Glad that you're enjoying your visit with your parents. You'll always look back and love this time that you have with them. When you were their daughter, before you had your boy.
As for the birth, have you looked into working with a doula? Someone who will really be an advocate for you and Guy in making your birth experience as close to your idea as possible? Many doulas charge on a sliding scale. Just a thought. I sure wish I'd had one! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM EDT My heart aches for you, babe. I hope you find the peace you seek, and the confidence that will see you through the birth.

Repeat after me ... healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama .... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mrs. Chicken DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:58:00 PM EDT I hated the hospital. I watched my dad bleed out in an ER cubicle just four months before I had to go under the knife myself, to birth the girl.

But once I got there, it was OK. Because it was a different experience, it was joyful and hopeful and yes, a little bittersweet without my father.

But it was not the same as that terrible day with all the tears and the blood and the loss.

I am confident you will get through it, because you will be joyful that fateful day.

Best to you. Enjoy your folks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:51:00 PM EDT you know, a lot of women have gradations of post-traumatic stress reactions to D&Cs and birth and other situations where their bodies and selves are made vulnerable in a medical environment, in part because of the profundity of the experience and in part because of the way it's sometimes handled or the way that things sometimes get out of the control of the person to whom it is happening. it's normal, particularly if there's been a previous negative experience, or if there's a need for emergency interventions. and a healthy baby is the goal, but there's no need for you to be scarred - or scared - along the way, seriously.

it might be worthwhile actually taking a serious look at your grief at the time of the D&C and how that whole experience impacted you, physically and emotionally, and trying to consciously disconnect it from the hospital and from the birth ahead with Little Bird. because the two won't be the same, as many have said. but you may need and want to do some work to make sure that you're in a different place yourself, by the time you get there.

by which i mean to say, what you feel - the shards - is not wrong. it's a wound. and wounds deserve a little kindness, a little healing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:53:00 PM EDT Just because you know all the logical answers doesn't mean it has to make sense. You are certainly entitled to you thoughts & fears!!!

I know in my heart all will go well and in the end you will both be blessed beyond measure :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:57:00 PM EDT My heart goes out to you! I agree with Kami, when I say the things that frighten me the most, the fear often lessens. I too, hope the very same and more for you!

thoughts and prayers with you ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:25:00 PM EDT Canape, I agree with Bon's comment, that perhaps it's worth doing a little work (even if it's therapy) to help heal these sharp shards. It seems perfectly reasonable (even if not rational) for you to feel this way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:37:00 PM EDT I don't necessarily think it's bad to be prepared to have to fight for what you want and then (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised by the experience.

I second the idea that it's good to have an advocate there for you so you don't have to do it yourself. Especially if you have very understandable fears about it. Plus then if things have to change, s/he can help you understand that's it's okay, without it having to be orders from the doctors and nurses.

And no matter what, and no matter how he is born, the end result will be that you will have a happy, healthy baby--and that's truly the important thing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 8:08:00 AM EDT Sadly, I am not sure he'll ever get but luckily, he's that kind of wonderful guy that will support you no matter what.

I've sad this before and I will say it again. You're human, and wonderful and caring and suppose to be scared of something like. It's life changing.

Not that you'd want me, but I wish I could be there. If only to advocate from the hallway. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 9:46:00 AM EDT Fear is so irrational. I would feel the same way given that history Canape.

We all base our future on our history. But I have learned that things are rarely what you think they will be the second time around. If that even makes sense.

P.S. Your Mom rocks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Redneck Mommy DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 10:44:00 AM EDT Ouch.

This post hurt. I wish you a better experience, one that can help ease the hurt of the previous one.

Perhaps you will have a green intern like I did, one you can pick on and tease and torment.

Good times, that is. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 7:53:00 PM EDT With my first, I was really against the whole medical birth.

I think we women have given away a lot of our own power of the birthing process to the doctors and medical establishment. I think maybe you're really fighting that??

It's not wrong to want to fight that. More and more women are wanting that and look at the changes in just one generation.

I did the best I could with the current mindset of birthing and how far I was willing to go against it. I know you'll do the same too...we're always doing our best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sara DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 8:59:00 PM EDT i know this is not related to todays post but can you tell me how I can add a Team Whymommy button to my blog?

Thanks!
Sara ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Space Mom DATE:Thursday, October 25, 2007 at 2:13:00 PM EDT My first hospital experience was a D&C also...

We made a very detailed birth plan. And my husband and I made clear to each other what we felt were needed and what were ok to let go off (example, epidural, yeah, okay... episiotomy? no!)

We decided we needed a plan to deviate from, because you ALWAYS need a plan to deviate from.

Take the time to educate yourself about the birth process and stand up for your self. Then things couldn't be better....

HUGS... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: House guests DATE: 10/22/2007 12:18:00 PM ----- BODY:
Cleaning a house that has never been unpacked and is still being renovated is not an easy task. However, when your parents are coming for a visit, getting that task accomplished becomes much more important to you.

Guy and I spent the past two weeks trying to unpack boxes, put things away, build shelves, and clean, and clean some more. Even Lovely got in the act, coming to us and saying, "How can I help?" She really is an amazing 11 year old. And of course, it makes me feel good that she was excited for G-Daddy and Nana to come for a visit. In her words, "You can't have too many grandparents."

G-Daddy and Nana (who Guy and I lobbied to be called G-Daddy and Special Sauce, but Nana won out in the end) arrived last night, and seem to be settling in alright. They were up and down most of the night, but I'm not sure that is very different than when they are at home.

Daddy is ready to get out and run some errands today. Momma and I are not. The problems I've been having with my SI joint have really caught up with me, and I'm sticking to this chair and my hot pad as much as possible today. Momma of course does all the driving now, so she is tired too. We are just lumps on a log today, and it feels good.

So, dear internets, with this visit in mind, I'm about to have to hit the dreaded "mark read" on the blog reader. I'll try and catch up next week, but for now, I'm going to just have to miss you all. I will, however, say hello to the Reverend Momma for you.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Perugini DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:06:00 AM EDT I had sciatica pain with each of my pregnancies, so I can relate your pain!

Have a wonderful visit, and take good care!

xoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:59:00 AM EDT Have a great visit! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 10:32:00 AM EDT Please give Mama a big hug and kiss for me!

I hope you all have a great time together. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 10:38:00 AM EDT Oh! Have a wonderful time with your momma! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous labugga DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM EDT Hope you're having a wonderful visit! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Helena DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 7:58:00 PM EDT If your SI joint continues to hurt, try an ice pack. While pregnant with triplets, my SI joint hurt CONSTANTLY! Ice helped numb the nerves adn took the pain away, at least for a little while. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:30:00 PM EDT Eww, feel better! And have a lovely time with your momma! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:21:00 PM EDT Give the Reverend Mamma our love! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Thursday, November 5, 2009 at 8:22:00 PM EST Cette phrase brillante faut tout juste Г  propos http://cgi3.ebay.fr/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=acheter-cialis&hc=1&key=acheter-cialis acheter cialis, acheter cialis ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Friday, November 6, 2009 at 2:00:00 PM EST l'information Utile http://cgi3.ebay.fr/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=acheter-cialis&hc=1&key=acheter-cialis acheter cialis, cialis generic ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: And the waiting starts again DATE: 10/09/2007 11:30:00 AM ----- BODY:
When a mother has cancer, her first thought is of her children. The days that it gets hard and she gets tired, then she also has to face the guilt stemming from knowing that if she is gone, it will be harder on her children than on her. The days when she wants to be sad about the hand she has been dealt, she has to find some happiness to share with her children.

When she calls you to tell you that her CA125 levels are back up to where they were before the last battle, and we may be looking at a break in this miraculous remission from ovarian cancer, she doesn't cry. She doesn't complain.

She asks, "Are you alright?"

Always a momma. No matter how old her children are.

Momma's take on it is here. Of course we are hoping that the numbers will come back down and not continue climbing. All we can do is wait and see.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 1:36:00 PM EDT I HATE cancer. So many people living lives, waiting on it, never sure if it will come back. So many people who couldn't get rid of it the first time.....
Why can no one figure it out, stop it in it's tracks, fight back for those who are tired of fighting? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 1:42:00 PM EDT You have a strong momma! I wish you both the strength to battle again. I know I become the scared kid whenever I wait for my mom's CA125's, too. No matter how old I am, she is the momma and I am the kid.
Constance, NMD ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kevin Charnas DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 1:58:00 PM EDT I'm sending you and your Momma my good-filled thoughts and prayers. And hoping beyond hope that it all is okay. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Perugini DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 3:25:00 PM EDT I lost my Dad to it 8 years ago. Waiting really sucks. Know that you and your wonderful Mom are in my prayers. xoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 3:46:00 PM EDT Canape, hoping and praying for you and your family!! Love, as always, CGF xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 3:51:00 PM EDT Hugs to you. Sending lots of falling number vibes to your mama right now. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 3:55:00 PM EDT You captured what a Momma does beautifully. Prayers for you and YOUR Momma. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 4:08:00 PM EDT Speechless. I can identify with you and your beautiful Momma. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM EDT Thinking of you and your momma and praying that those numbers go back down!!
I second Katy, I HATE cancer!

Alison ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous PunditMom DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry. I hate cancer, too. Much, too much cancer. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry. Your momma is strong, and she is a momma, all right. I will be thinking about her and hoping that this is just a fluke. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 6:37:00 PM EDT Oh damn - stupid other shoe dropping. My thoughts are with you and your family. If remission happened once, it can happen again. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 7:04:00 PM EDT I'll be thinking of you and your mom. I'm sorry to hear this news. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous The Farm House Kids DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 9:12:00 PM EDT I'll be praying that her numbers no longer rise and that she is earthly healed. I know it's easy for me to say, 'hang in there' and hard for you to do. I know it's on your mind, but for all it's worth ... take care and pray that she'll be okay.

Tanya
The Dairy Wife ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 9:19:00 PM EDT All that was said above and more of it. I raise my iced tea, slightly-sweetened & no lemon, to Mrs. S's good health. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous labugga DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 10:36:00 PM EDT All the love and hugs and prayers you sent my way today? Coming right back at you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 11:06:00 PM EDT Pass on all this love to your Mama and let her know we're all praying for her, out here in the internets. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 11:11:00 PM EDT Wow, I just stopped by your mama's blog page. You have one great mama! But I suspect you already knew that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 6:35:00 AM EDT You know how much I adore your mother. I will be thinking of her and praying for her.

I will be thinking of you too. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 8:01:00 AM EDT aaaaw crap!

sending love and hugs and prayers to both you and your amazing momma. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nancy DATE:Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 9:38:00 AM EDT Oh, Canape. I'm thinking of you and your Momma and wishing all the best for you both as you wait... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 6:49:00 PM EDT you said it so well...or rather, your Momma did.

love to you, and Momma, and Little Bird. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Wednesday, October 10, 2007 at 7:32:00 PM EDT And we'll wait with you. Your Momma rocks my crocs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mrs. Chicken DATE:Thursday, October 11, 2007 at 12:15:00 AM EDT Oh how I hated these tests. Hated them, and the unreliable numbers. I am praying for you and your mom and your wee birdy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Thursday, October 11, 2007 at 5:48:00 PM EDT Cancer sucks.
Hope good news comes again soon. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Space Mom DATE:Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 11:03:00 AM EDT I am so sorry this has started again.... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Making it work DATE: 9/20/2007 08:13:00 PM ----- BODY:
A couple of months ago, my momma made reference to when she and my daddy would be here for the birth of Little Bird. Inside my head rang, "Um. What? Seriously? Okay, no." and out of my mouth came, "So you guys are planning on coming in January?"

Momma replied, "Of course. Your daddy wouldn't miss it for the world."

I chose not to comment at that time. I wanted to think about it. Which is rare for me, but I'm glad I did.

Since then, I have thought a lot about this. I have read a lot of other people's words about how family created more work for the new mom. Extended family intruded and was in the way more than they were helpful.

Even though there is some truth to that in our situation, I'm rethinking how I feel about it. Putting my own spin on it, if you will.

There are many reasons why having my parents be here would be more work for me and Guy.
My daddy is no easy dude these days. Parkinson's and Alzheimer's have left him needing constant care and an unending supply of compassion.

However, my mother has that. She doubts it some days I imagine, but she would be wrong. She has it, and she will be here with him.

Simple things about being here will be difficult for Daddy. Or at least I think they will. Just being away from his own home will be hard. After 30 years of living in a two story home, he still tells Momma that he is "going up to bed." What some people consider habits are necessary routine for Daddy. Break that routine, and you get crippling anxiety. Some days, you just get the crippling anxiety for no apparent reason.

Stairs will be hard. Sleeping in a different bed will be hard. Finding a bathroom at night in a new house will be hard. Not knowing where to find a few snacks throughout the night will be hard.

Being at the hospital will be hard. Daddy does not do well in hospitals. When Momma was in the hospital last October, my biggest challenge was keeping Daddy corralled and calm. He would want to wander the halls by himself. He would introduce me as his sister and become confused when people would try to lead him back to his wife's room. Because it was his mother that was in the hospital in his mind. The stress of the situation had him completely rattled and confused.

Planning a natural childbirth, the most important thing in the world to me is getting Bird here safely and without interruption. I don't want to worry about where Daddy is and if he is doing alright. I don't want for him to become anxious if labor continues on and I am struggling. I don't want for him to be uncomfortable at the hospital.

And I don't want them to miss a minute with Little Bird.

And that is where the spin comes in.

Their health is not reliable. Everyday that we have with them is really and truly a gift. They have been waiting a long time for this grandchild and have stood by my side through my incredibly rocky ride through adulthood. I want them to be here with me, Guy, Lovely, and Bird.

So what if it is more work? So what if I might be a more tired and stressed with a newborn? So what if I feel like I have to clean the house a little bit better, have the kitchen a little more stocked, and make a few more detailed plans to ensure that Daddy is comfortable and safe? He is so excited about it, and I want for him to be happy.

That is my choice.

When I look back at the birth of Little Bird, I want to know that my family was included. I want my mom and dad to be able to share in the excitement. Well, whatever excitement occurs in the waiting room, but still. I want them to be there to meet Little Bird as soon as possible.

Whatever it takes from me and Guy to have that happen is okay with me.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Karla DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM EDT Sweet sentiments, but totally impractical. I've had experience with both newborns and a parent w/Alzheimer's and you are truly minimizing the difficulties you'll face. Good luck. You're going to need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:17:00 AM EDT Your sincerity is well, underwhelming.

If you had enough experience, you would know that the effects of this disease are different with every person who it strikes. So your experience is just that. Yours.

I'm not minimizing the difficulties, I'm saying that I'm choosing to accept them in order to have my parents here. It will be their only chance, and I love them enough to give it to them.

It's too bad you decided not to be clickable. I would be interested to read about your experiences. I would be happy to listen. Without the same snotty judgment you have exhibited. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MB DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:34:00 AM EDT You are a brave woman, and so kind to want to include them.

I was not so kind, but do not regret it. It was my new beginning with my new family and I wanted it to be about the three of us. Then again, I am often called selfish!

It was what was right for me. You do what is right for you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MB DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:34:00 AM EDT You are a brave woman, and so kind to want to include them.

I was not so kind, but do not regret it. It was my new beginning with my new family and I wanted it to be about the three of us. Then again, I am often called selfish!

It was what was right for me. You do what is right for you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:35:00 AM EDT [DOH!]

I had the WHOLE family in the L&D room with me. The men folk sat on the other side of a flimsy curtain while the women were with me. It was totally Red Tent, and I would never change a second of it.

I actually enjoyed a few moments when I was taking care of other people, it helped me take my mind off the, ummm, moment.

I loved having the family with us for Henry's birth. And I plan to do it again! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:37:00 AM EDT I always admired and liked your dad, C. He always made a point to talk to me and asked pertinent questions about things he knew about me, making it obvious he remembered the previous conversations we'd had. That always left an impression upon me about how I hope I communicate with my kids' friends, to make them feel like they matter.

Of course, I'll probably just say "Unless you can beat me in NCAA Football on the Xbox, you can't hang out with my daughter tonight." Then make him buy me an icee after I wax his ass. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MB DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:38:00 AM EDT PS Perhaps they could wait at home until the very end of labor, or even come as soon as Little Bird is born? By the time they got to the hospital he would be all clean and snuggly?

I wouldn't wish a day in a hospital waiting room on anyone. I think they are designed to be as uncomfortable and miserable as possible.

I was in the hospital for three whole days before the baby finally popped outta me. (Or was yanked out.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MplsChic DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:02:00 PM EDT Delurking here (and I don't have a blog, otherwise I'd link...) - but just wanted to applaud your thought process and decision. I've never been in your position, but I hope I would make the same choice. Frankly, I don't see a lot of difference between your willingness to make arrangements and deal with the potential challenges of having your parents present for birth and your willingness to take on and make arrangements for the full range of challenges and adjustments that a new child brings. Both require enduring some hardship - but both are so monumentally worth it in the end. Right? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:21:00 PM EDT You have such a good heart, Canape. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:23:00 PM EDT I am so glad you made that decision. You will be happy you did in the long run. Your parents are amazing people and yes, they do deserve every second they can get with their new grandchild. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 1:08:00 PM EDT That's a challenge you have there, but I would say that the person actually doing the birthing (that's you!) should be able to dictate the circumstances. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kendra DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:01:00 PM EDT I'm sure it will be hard, but what you will get out of it will so much more rewarding. I think having someone else to take care (or focus on) would have helped me after my daughter was born.

On the plus side, you won't really know if it is harder or easier without them since you haven't done it before. There won't be the "it was easier last time without them" thoughts going on. They may provide you with a needed distraction and will certainly give you all their love and support, which is something I think all moms need after birth. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:07:00 PM EDT Being your father's child I wouldn't expect anything less than for you to completely think through what you think might happen at the blessed event. With my first baby grandparents were present and Dad was taking law school finals. I have fond memories of your granddaddy sitting with me while in labor. With you, only Dad was there. Grandparents were keeping big brother. My mother came after the births and helped--though I had to be really specific what I wanted.

We will be where you want us when you want us. Just give us enough notice to get there. This grandma can't wait. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:21:00 PM EDT I think that you've looked at all sides of the situation and made a choice - the best choice for you and your family. I think you are amazingly realistic about the work that will be involved, but are willing to take it on so your family can be here to enjoy birds entrance into this big crazy world. Nothing EVER goes perfectly, and anything worth having is worth the work it will require. People who have always had it easy, or run away from difficult times or situations will never understand that, nor will they ever REALLY get to enjoy this wonderful, crazy, messy, lovely thing we call LIFE!! I admire you and your strength!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mutt DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:34:00 PM EDT Do what will make you happy. I did not want my mother in the room wtih me while I was delivering and sort of kept her at arms length at the end of my pregnancy. She came to see Peanut both days we were in the hospital and that was it. In the end I really wish she would have come to stay with us for a while after he was born. She kept saying she would and I never thought she wouldn't.

Make the plan YOU want and do that. This is YOUR (and guy's) time, so do it however will make you happy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mutt DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:36:00 PM EDT Do what makes you happy.

I didn't want my mother in the delivery room with me so I kept her at arms length toward the end of my pregnancy. She ended up visiting me in the hospital both days I was there, but nothing after that. She always said she would stay with me for the first week or so. I never dreamed she wouldn't.

It's YOUR day. Do it however will make YOU happy. That's what matters. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jaime DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:41:00 PM EDT {{{HUGS}}} C. I wish I had as much tact as you do. You are going to be a wonderful mommy :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:49:00 PM EDT canape, reading this put a lump in my throat - beautiful (both your post and yourself). it is afterall your decision. everything will fall in place.

p.s. don't listen to the noise. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:00:00 PM EDT First off, I'm shocked at the comment left by Karla! I'm don't even know what to say, how could someone be so rude to YOU of all people.

Moving right along...I began reading this, relating to my own experience with my less-than-helpful parents after the births of my own children. After reading this, I realize that although they weren't helpful, they were HERE. They got to experience the joy of adding a new family member.

Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't all about me.

I love your outlook on the situation. It will all go smoothly. I promise you won't have time to worry while you're in your drug-free labor!

I feel the odd urge to snap my fingers and say "you go girl." Would that be weird? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Karaoke Diva DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:27:00 PM EDT Like you said, your time with your parents is limited. Yeah, it may be a bit more stressful for you, but how happy and blessed will you feel when you look back the pictures of your dad holding the Bird for the first time right after he's born? How much will you cherish the look on your mom's face when she sees him for the first time?

I think the pros for you will far outweight the cons.

(Oh, and f*ck you, Karla.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Katie DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:33:00 PM EDT What a loving daughter. Very brave and thoughful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 6:29:00 PM EDT Canape, it sounds like you're making a very wise decision and putting not only a lot of thought but a lot of heart into it.

This is a once in a lifetime event. You do what you know is right for you and fart on Karla. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 7:01:00 PM EDT Canape you are amazing, thoughtful, wonderful, and heart-warming. You think through things and go into circumstances with eyes wide open as well as open to the possibility that you could end up with an entirely different situation. However, you charge in and take control. I love your wisdom, posts, and our virtual friendship.
I was so selfish and worried about my in-laws coming to stay and you are facing a more difficult road with much more grace. I heart you :)

Can I also say that reading your Mom's post brought tears to my eyes? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 8:52:00 PM EDT I think a lot depends on your mom. If she will be full time taking care of your dad, then it might be hard, but if she has the energy to take care of you a little too it might be fine.

I haven't wanted my mommy so badly as the day The Mayor was born in 30 years. I swear. I was so freaked out and lost and man did I want my mom. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 9:08:00 PM EDT I really admire you and absolutely agree with your choice- not that you need anyone's agreement!

Your Little Bird should have everyone there that is important to you and Guy, no matter what!

I would make the same choice! Part of the reason we started trying to have our first child was because we wanted our children to know our "older" family members.

Kudos to you and I know your Daddy will love every single minute with his Little Bird regardless of anything else!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 9:41:00 PM EDT Newborns do make more work but for me the work wasn't overwhelming, I knew what was coming and was prepared. I think the chance to have pictures and memories of your parents snuggled up with Little bird will make it worth everything. I get the idea, just from your blog, that you aren't the type of person who gets all bent out of shape from little things so I know you can handle it and will be so glad later than you did. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kris DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 2:43:00 PM EDT I think you are absolutely amazing for taking the time to think this whole thing through. I'm sure everything will fall into place and Bird's birth will be just as you want it to be. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 8:12:00 PM EDT I can't say anything that hasn't already been said.

But, like Grandma, I can't wait! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous The Farm House Kids DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 11:01:00 PM EDT Canape,

That is so awesome. You are so absolutely right to want them there. And you can make it happen. You will never regret having them there, but if not, you might. Let them love Little Bird with all they have in them for as long as they have with him.

I so admire you!

Tanya ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous dawn224 DATE:Sunday, September 23, 2007 at 9:02:00 PM EDT Would a postpartum doula be a help? Perhaps it would be worth the money to have someone around to support you to help you enjoy the time with both Bird and parents? http://www.dona.org/ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mrs. Chicken DATE:Monday, September 24, 2007 at 1:17:00 AM EDT My father was four months dead the day my daughter was born. In the end of his days, he was weak, sorrowful and confused.

I would have given anything in the world to have him see my daughter's face her first day on earth, even as sick and confused and sad as he was.

I was not given the opportunity to make that decision; it was made for me when he died.

It may be difficult, but canape, you won't regret it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Monday, September 24, 2007 at 4:35:00 PM EDT This is such a difficult decision. It seems to me you've weighed the options and made a good choice. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: This one's for the poop DATE: 8/16/2007 01:14:00 PM ----- BODY:
Heh. My mom reads my blog. And I love that she comments sometimes. Really, the whole telling the story of how I pooped in my training pants and then flushed them down the toilet was pretty funny. At least she didn't tell about me flushing my Fisher Price people down the toilet. For apparently no reason.

But, in light of our honesty, I have something share. It was in the box. The box my former MIL sent to me that she had been storing for many years. In between the Sweet Pickles books and my ONJ albums was sandwiched this:


The program for the 1960 Miss Arkansas pageant. What daughter would not be proud to say they had a beauty queen for a mother? I am. I think it is pretty cool. And she is by far the best looking one in the group. Of course we are talking about Arkansas.

Here she is in all of her stunning glory:

I only wish that the picture showed the dress too, because my grandmother Honey made all of her clothes. Even the evening gowns, and they were incredible.

My momma has gone out of her way though, to be known for something more than her looks. She doubled majored in piano and Christian education. She taught, she worked, and when my Bro and I were out of the nest, she went back to school and got her Masters of Divinity. She's a smart cookie. And a lovely cookie too. I mean, look at those eyebrows and the teeth that didn't need braces. Amazing.

So she didn't go on to be Miss America. She did have a couple of other great articles written about her that made her cringe and made her mother radiate pride. As Momma was busy studying in college, she had to put up with articles that praised her "deft hand with make up" and her "shiny well kempt hair." Oh, the tortured life of the beautiful! However, they did leave out her GPA and ability to whip up a snappy comeback to just about anything.

Not being Miss America, or even Miss Arkansas for that matter wasn't something she regreted I don't think. Perhaps the only thing she missed out on were the photo shoots. Because the pinnacle of every woman's life should be this Pepsi ad:

Be sociable, Have a Pepsi

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 3:04:00 PM EDT Aww, those pictures are lovely. Better that she didn't win the Miss USA pageant...she clearly had better things to do with her life, yes? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MB DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 3:16:00 PM EDT Eeew? Pepsi? You would clearly be in a DIET COKE ad, right? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slackermommy DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 4:13:00 PM EDT How cool! I would be proud also. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 5:01:00 PM EDT My mom was Miss Teenage New Jersey.

Oh, the baggage I had. You are a better woman Canape! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 5:29:00 PM EDT Every time we here about Momma she gets more and more interesting.

PS--Her daughter ain't so bad herself. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lisa DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 6:13:00 PM EDT Awwww... Now I know where you get YOUR hot mama genes! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 7:55:00 PM EDT your mom is gorgeous, and you are hilarious.

as is the Pepsi ad.

i love the whole weird veneer of feminity that permeates that Miss Arkansas program - what a great thing to find in the box. keep it for Little Bird.

:) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 8:08:00 PM EDT What a neat thing to find! I can TOTALLY see your mom in that picture. The one of her, I mean. Not the one with the Pepsi. Niiiiiiiiiice. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 10:48:00 PM EDT That is the coolest thing eev-a! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Friday, August 17, 2007 at 9:47:00 AM EDT Thanks alot! You are full of surprises. I guess I had it coming. Yes, the Pepsi shoot would have been too much for someone whose mom drove to five drive-in windows before finding the much preferred Diet Coke. Did the Fisher Price join the monster in the toilet? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Cathy DATE:Friday, August 17, 2007 at 12:32:00 PM EDT I am loving her eyebrows.

We here in Arkansas still love our pageants, although the newspaper coverage isn't quite as ... extensive?!

I will continue to resist, however, my in-laws' efforts to enter my daughter in the Little Miss Buck Fever pageant. She would never forgive me if she won and had to live with that title. (It refers to the opening of deer season, which is when the pageant is held. As the contestants march across the stage, you can hear the boom of gunfire. And the daddies in the audience are wearing blood-stained camo.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, August 17, 2007 at 3:50:00 PM EDT Your Mother is gorgeous! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Monday, August 20, 2007 at 7:19:00 AM EDT Your mother is so beautiful. She is awesome. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Monday, August 20, 2007 at 10:48:00 PM EDT I love it when you write about your beautiful, wonderful mom. I'm living vicariously through your mother-daughter relationship. Hope you don't mind. :) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Pieces of me, parts of her DATE: 7/17/2007 05:08:00 PM ----- BODY:
Blogging as journaling. It was the concept that drew me to this medium. I have always been a journaler and was more disciplined about it when I knew that someone was reading. When all of this began, it was Whymommy that was reading. It kept us in touch, and I got to vent knowing that the words would be read by someone who would not judge every letter of every word.

Letting it all out in writing has been cathartic for me. Since my songwriting has slowed almost to a halt, blogging has taken its place. A weekly open mike night has been replace with Bloglines, and drama filled bands have been replaced with groups like Props and Pans and Team Whymommy. It has been a good shift. A comfortable one.

The thing about blogging though is that it isn't journaling. Letting it all out here invites anyone to read it. Invites anyone and everyone to cop a squat and get to know me.

This little corner of the internet has become a big enough part of my life that I made a decision last Friday. My momma has not known about this blog. I considered it a "private" place, which is funny now that I think about it. Since it is certainly not "private," it began to feel deceptive not to share it with her.

So I shared. Even though I knew there were posts where I vented about family, got pissed off at God (again), and said some pretty frank things about how I felt right at that moment, I shared. Sent her the link.

And then I got scared.

What if she got angry? What if I hurt her feelings? What if she hated the whole thing? What if she scolds me for being a potty mouth? What if she doesn't get that sometimes I let my fingers fly and hit publish just to get it all off my chest?

These fears of being less than my momma would want me to be came creeping out from somewhere deep below. They are my own fears. They are not supported by anything that she has ever said or done to me.

After hitting send on the email to her, and after wiping the sweat from my palms, I sat back and had a little chat with myself. Self, I said, do you want your mother to know you? Or do you want for your mother to know the pieces of you that you give her?

I'm a grown woman. Isn't it time that I let her know me? Isn't it time that I stopped worrying about what she will think if she knows that I smoked in my 20's, hated my first marriage, and just might not believe in heaven or hell?

After all. She has always told me that she loves me unconditionally.

Boy, am I putting that one to the test.

The thing is this. I've always wanted to be close to my momma. At the same time, I've never wanted to let her down. Besides, she probably knows all this stuff anyway. That momma instinct.

And one other thing. As our family grows, I'm sure there will be lots of baby postings. I'm going to be a bona fide mommmyblogger for whatever it's worth. She should get to see those.

Journal. Archive. Family history. Blog. Whatever it is, I'm glad she's here.

I'll try to warn you Momma, when I'm going to write a steamy post about some great sex with Guy. You can skip those posts if you like.

And for the rest of you, Momma has a blog too. You can visit her here if you like. She'll inspire you though. Remember, she's the Reverend Momma.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 6:14:00 PM EDT oh no!!! not another mommy poster!!! lol, i actually got that when i came up pregnant. i lost readers, cause they didn't want to hear about boring pregnancy stuff. i like boring though. and seriously, blowout diapers, and sleepless nights? i can't wait to blog about those things! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 6:42:00 PM EDT That is very brave and sweet, friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 7:05:00 PM EDT Canape...this made me cry, cry, cry! I so know what you mean. I have had the same struggles with my mom and only knowing the pieces I give her. So, so perfectly said what I've not said out loud. Thanks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 7:42:00 PM EDT She is indeed the Reverend Momma. I'm glad you invited her in. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 8:07:00 PM EDT Wow - you go girl. You are so brave. I just recently read that the majority of bloggers don't share their blogs with their families! Who knew! In fact, one of Blogger's FAQ's is "What do I do if my Mom finds my blog"?? ;-)

Loved your post! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous girl DATE:Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 9:07:00 PM EDT I sometimes wish I was as brave as you. I kind of hide in my blog.... you're perty much my hero. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 6:24:00 AM EDT I sent my blog link out to my entire family the day I started it. I know full well that none of them ever came back after that first day.

I have gone through a lot of the same struggles with my mother. I gave up having anything to 'hide' years ago. It was hard, but I did it. Good luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 1:38:00 PM EDT My Mom recently began reading me...it has been agreat way to get closer.

Great post! ----- --------