AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Parkinson's brothers DATE: 3/07/2010 10:35:00 AM ----- BODY:

Disclaimer: My family can be weird. Shut up. So can yours. Yes, I'm about to tell you that I read important family news on my mother's blog. It's better than when I read it on her Facebook page.

This morning I was catching up on some blog reading, including my momma's blog. It's a good thing I did, because I learned some big news. My uncle has Parkinson's. My father's little brother has been diagnosed with Parkinson's. Just like my father.

My first thought was how horrible that is for him. Just in general.

Then I jumped to how horrible it is that he has watched my father's plummeting decline for the past six years. He has a good idea of what is in store for himself, and it isn't pretty. I think this would be a case of ignorance being bliss.

Finally, I jumped to the selfish thoughts. About heredity and genetics. Two brothers hit with the same disease at almost the exact same time in their lives? My mind jumps to my twitching leg and my recently diagnosed depression. Is the anxiety I battle a precursor? Because I know my father battled it. I fight many of the same battles I watched him succumb to as I grew up. The temper, the nervousness, the paranoia. I see myself in him so very much.

I had been convinced that my dad's illness was tied up to his chemical exposure in Vietnam. That it was completely environment that made this happen to his body. I guess we know now that's not the case. The obvious answer would be genetics, but then again, it could be toxins from when they were children. They have never lived in the same place as adults though.

I want my husband, who works in genetics research, to figure this out. Ironically, he'll probably be the first to tell me that trying to find a genetic link will just give us more questions rather than answers. Or something like that. Stupid science. Dumb genetic research.

Is there prevention? I guess that's the question that I really should be seeking an answer. It's worth a shot at the very least, and more than likely, any prevention is tied up tight within a healthy lifestyle that I should be living anyway.

Labels: Daddy, Family, Parkinson's

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Sunday, March 7, 2010 at 1:03:00 PM EST Yup. Go, researchers, go.

The rest of us can just lose weight, eat green stuff, and nix the coffees and diet cokes and all the chemicals in our daily diet.

And pigs can fly.

Sigh.

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle's diagnosis.

It's good to remember that your grandfather didn't have Parkinson's ... he was sharp as a tack! Sharper. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Sunday, March 7, 2010 at 5:30:00 PM EST So sorry -- although glad to know I'm not the only one to learn family news in a roundabout way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Monday, March 8, 2010 at 8:49:00 PM EST I hear ya...The catch is that no two people or circumstances are identical...it could be a combination of all of it.
Now don't you feel better? :P
And you know about the deaths I've found out about on FaceBook. You won't hear me calling your family weird... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Thank you DATE: 11/11/2009 04:16:00 PM ----- BODY:

Today is the day I always think, "I'm lucky to be here." Not just in North Carolina or the United States of America, but here as in existing.

From what I understand, my daddy wanted to be a chaplain in the Army. Then came Vietnam. Then came the Battle of Ong Thanh. After that, Daddy decided to become a lawyer. Took the LSAT in Saigon and came home to go to Ole Miss.

Any connection I'm making to those things is all my own. He has not said that they are related.

So in addition to thanking him for serving, I also always thank him for stopping. I much prefer him being around for Veteran's Day instead of being remembered on Memorial Day.

***************************************************************************
If you want to know more about the ambush that happened in October, 1967 - the one that the news reported as an American victory - check out They Marched Into Sunlight by David Maraniss. It parallels the story of the Battle of Ong Thanh and a protest at the University of Wisconsin-Madison that happened a day apart. Universal is set to release a movie based on the book in 2010.

Labels: Daddy, Holidays

----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Time enough to know DATE: 8/03/2009 09:59:00 PM ----- BODY:

My brother and I grew up about a mile from on set of grandparents and just across town from our other grandmother. We saw them regularly. Spent every holiday with them. Had sleepovers with them. Ate Sunday dinners with them.

Now, my parents are 12 hours away. They live around the corner from my brother and his family. Momma talks about the grandchildren coming to play in their backyard. She tells me about the meals they share. Even the Fourth of July was a family gathering complete with a new croquet set for the grandparents' backyard. Bro's kids are taking full advantage of having their grandparents so close by, and that really makes me happy. They are growing up like I remember growing up. Close to family.

My children will have to do things a little differently. We will have to have phone calls and pictures. Emails and blogs replace time around the table. We have to cram a whole lot of loving into short bursts of time.

That's what we did last week. Little Bird spent the week with his Nana and Gee. They were a willing audience and always had a lap available for book time. They were initiated into the Yo Gabba Gabba fan club. Bird was quickly following his Gee around, knocking persistently on the bedroom door when Gee would manage to escape for a moment. There were hugs and kisses and "night night's" for everyone.

Today, Bird and I spent some time looking at pictures on the computer. We got to one of him sitting on Nana's lap, and he pointed while he said, "Nana."

"Yes, that's your Nana, Sweetie. Good job."

We got the the picture above, and I pointed to my daddy.

"Who is that?"

"Baby!"

"Yes, and who is that with Baby?"

"Gee!"

He called them both by name. I kissed his head and sent up a little thankful prayer that it was enough time for him to know them.

Labels: Bird, Daddy, Family, Grandparents, Momma

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lincoln Warren DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 12:40:00 AM EDT Nice piece. I'm glad you had a good visit with your folks.

My old man, sister, and her kid came to Texas to see us last weekend. It was great.

Even though ya' know you're right where you need to be for your immediate family, it doesn't make being states away from the extended crowd any easier..... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stuart DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 8:36:00 AM EDT Good stuff Marty. Tonya spent some similar time with our extended family in Memphis last week, but came away thankful for the geographic 'buffer zone' ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:23:00 PM EDT That makes me cry, in a happy way. Super sweet. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 1:52:00 PM EDT You're right, when you live far from family pictures and phone calls have to be the way to keep in touch, but it works. My family lives 3 states away and my boys are very close with their grandpa, aunt/uncle and cousins. When they were young like little Bird we would constantly talk about each member so they would know who each person was. Sounds like you're off to a great start. He can already recognize them in pictures. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 6:56:00 PM EDT Okay, you made me cry again and will shed more tears when I read your words to Dad. We knew when you were growing up how special it was to have grandparents close--we never took it for granted. But, we never considered what it would be like when you and T3 were grown with your own families. Thanks for the time and for making us "known" to Bird. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 8:02:00 PM EDT What a blessing for all of you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Thursday, August 6, 2009 at 9:25:00 AM EDT I know these feelings well. I grew up in the same zip code as my Dad's parents but we are now 900 miles away. Despite this, my kids have a great relationship with my parents. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Cherries in the Snow DATE: 6/21/2009 08:42:00 PM ----- BODY:

This morning, I painted my toenails before we left for brunch. I usually go for purple or blue toes, so it made sense when Kevin looked down at them and said,

"Hmmm. What color is that? That's not your color."

No, it isn't. It's my daddy's color. His favorite, or at least one he asked me to wear once. So on Father's Day, every year, I make sure that I'm wearing it.

It's a rich, bright pink, and I think maybe my mom wears it too. If not the exact color, she usually chooses one very similar. It looks great on her toes.

In fact, I remember when she was in a coma and the week afterwards, I was assigned the task of massaging her feet and lower legs. She was bloated and weak and struggling just to survive at this point. Taking on my duty, I lifted the covers at the end of her bed and saw the most perfectly manicured toes. Her feet were still beautiful, and I'm fairly certain she was wearing "Cherries in the Snow," the same polish I put on this morning.

We both wear it because he likes it.

All while I was growing up, I felt like I couldn't do enough to please him. My grades were always a little too low. My clothes were never quite right. I didn't think I would ever measure up.

Funny. Now that I'm all grown up, I know that all it takes to make my daddy happy is something as simple as bright pink toenails.

If you look closely at my fourth toe on my left foot, you'll see that it is completely bruised. I did this by twisting it in between two tiles on our bathroom floor. A grout injury, if you will. And my husband says I'm not graceful. Hmph.

Labels: Daddy

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mamma DATE:Sunday, June 21, 2009 at 10:51:00 PM EDT Oh your heart is so big!!! One of the many reasons why I love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Sunday, June 21, 2009 at 11:01:00 PM EDT You made me cry. I'm so glad you are my daughter and my friend.
Love,
Mom
P.S. The color name now is "It's Greek to Me." Is that appropriate, or what? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

smash DATE:Sunday, June 21, 2009 at 11:30:00 PM EDT that's sweet, bird. it takes alot to bring a tear to my eye. success...again. xoxo

ok, i don't know how to do that stuff down there, so...

love,
ashley ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

smash DATE:Sunday, June 21, 2009 at 11:30:00 PM EDT You know, I'm a tough cookie. I don't really read blogs. But the few times I've read your posts, they've made me boohoo.my birdie bird. such a sweet sentiment. and you have pretty feet. xoxo. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Monday, June 22, 2009 at 7:54:00 AM EDT Even with your bruised toe, you have very cute toes! That is so awesome you do that too! I like the color. Your dad's got good taste! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Monday, June 22, 2009 at 9:31:00 AM EDT Dangerous grout!
Gorgeous tootsies :) And a very nice tribute. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Right now, today DATE: 6/17/2008 06:00:00 PM ----- BODY:

Christopher has been baptized. Sunday, his Nana stood in front of the congregation with us and baptized her youngest grandson.

I honestly didn't think that we would get to see this day. I didn't think my mom would be here for this day.

My momma and I had good conversations last week. There is something about a daughter becoming a mother that makes the grandmother/mother and mother/daughter bond even stronger. I feel closer to my mother than I ever have before.

While we were talking last week, I realized that I've spent an awful lot of time and energy on being sad for my parents' health. Granted, they rarely get good news when they go to the doctor, but so far, neither of them have been told that they were going to die that same day.

Susan's post, A moment spent moping, really hit home. It's not just the patients who are angry at cancer or spend their time wishing for the "what could have been's" of a different diagnosis. As the daughter of an ovarian cancer patient and a Parkinson's patient, I do the exact same thing.

What this means is that I have spent the past six years mourning the loss of my parents over and over and over again. Every time there is a new diagnosis, I mourn.

That seems like a complete waste of time now.

Each day that I still have them is a gift.

In all honesty, it doesn't always feel that way. Each day that I still have my mother is a gift, but some of the days with Daddy are down right hard. I have so much anger for what has been taken from him and from us. It is harder to apply the "each day is a gift" to a disease which erodes my father's mind and body in waves of dust and huge chunks of his life.

But Momma.

Her scans are not clean. Her ca125 is rising again. She will start chemo again, maybe this fall.

And I can type that without crying. Finally.

Momma is still here. She is still fighting. She is still winning. Right now.

Every minute I spend thinking ahead at what she will miss is a minute I've spent not enjoying her while she's here.

She was here to meet my child. She was here to hold my child. She was here to baptize my child. All things that I had mourned the loss of in 2002 when she was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer.

Sure. My momma is going to die much sooner than I would like for her to, and we all know it. The knowing makes it hard. But would there be a time in my life when I wouldn't be devastated to lose her? She could be 97 years old and I would still be heartbroken when she passed.

So today I vow to stop mourning my parents before they are gone. It's not fair to them, and it's not good for me.

That also means, Momma, that you have to stop labeling all your stuff all the time too. I may love your pewter goblets, but I don't want them anytime soon.

Labels: Cancer, Daddy, Grief, Momma, My Life, Parkinson's

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:28:00 PM EDT beautiful post, M.

i'm trying desperately to wrap my head around the "live for the moment" idea but my mom is just falling apart under the weight of her diagnosis and i am unravelling myself with the fears of what is to come... i just had no idea how much grieving there was to this, and i don't know how to help her which is the hardest part. she's pushing me away right now saying you just don't understand, and i guess i really don't (how can i?) but i am pretty sure what she's doing now isn't good for her and how can i get her to believe in HOPE and live for right now, today? i'm so lost. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:48:00 PM EDT I love this. Good for you, Canape. I like to see you more positive.

It's not easy ... on either side ... but all you can do is try.

Jen -- my heart goes out to you today. I think it's very very hard to learn to put the sadness aside. How long has your mom had to mourn? She may need a few days; she may need more. And while it's true you don't understand, and I think you both know that, it's wonderful that you're there. What about if you started with "I know I don't understand, Mom, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you." Then just sit with her one day. Go with her to treatment if she's having any. Bring a book, your knitting, or a picture album that you always wanted to go through with her. Keep her company, right where she is.

Just some ideas -- I'm not a professional. Is there a professional at your mom's hospital who works with families who could help you both with perspective? There's a lot out there.... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria and Co. DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 7:26:00 PM EDT What a great post. I too spend too much time sometimes in the past, and fearing the worst. Like Jen said, I'm trying to wrap my head around living for the moment.
Lol at the labeling bit-- My mom is one of 7, and at my Grandma's house, if you flip over any random object you will find a name scrawled in pencil or pen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:00:00 PM EDT Every minute you sit there coulda-shoulda-woulda-ing is one less that you could be doing something to make the people involved happy. Like your folks, who're alive and functional btw. And yourself. By calling them on that telephone thingie that us 30-somethings trashed long ago in favor of Mr. Qwerty. Or doing whatever else twists your tootsie rolls and those of your parents.

Kick this pity stuff to the curb, Mar-tay. Worthless. Now or anytime. Absolutely, totally, completely worthless. Love on your folks and family and forget the rest of whatever it is you waste time worrying about.

Hugs, kisses, & baseball-

Cliff ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:11:00 PM EDT Not only is this such a touching post, all the comments are as well. My mother is a breast cancer survivor and I often forget how easily I could have lost her. Especially with her living so far away, it was easy to put it all out of my mind. When my folks visit, I worry about their future - how they handle their money and their health. It's hard to just be grateful they are here and my kids have relationships with them. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 8:26:00 PM EDT Hey, on a brighter note, where are the BAPTISM PHOTOS? I wanna see some yummy baby pics! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 10:35:00 PM EDT Thanks for what you wrote, precious daughter of mine. I do, indeed, live for today. It's what I know we have, but I also think about the what if's and the things I know to be true about this terrible disease. I think about Dad and want to scream at the injustice of it all. Being with you, holding my youngest makes me think about the future even more--not the one with a family member missing, but one with all of us present, remembering memories of old and making some of our own, those you will share with your grandchildren. Dad and I are blessed beyond measure!! And we know it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 10:52:00 PM EDT Hi there Mrs. S! Hope you are good. Northpointe is not the same without you guys there. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kelly DATE:Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 2:42:00 PM EDT Great post! I'm glad you are trying to stop mourning now. You are right, you'll never be really ready to lose a parent. Enjoy them now. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I'm thankful for the things we did experience together.

My grandma does the labeling too ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 11:10:00 PM EDT Very inspiring perspectives, from everyone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

mamma knows DATE:Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 12:47:00 PM EDT The unknown is so scary, enjoy them. Great post. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 3:57:00 PM EDT No one knows what tomorrow holds and we all would be better off if we could live for today...but it is hard when you KNOW your tomorrows are limited. I hope you can stop mourning them before their time....its a beautiful though and a gift for them and for your son. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Resigned DATE: 6/09/2008 09:54:00 PM ----- BODY:

My parents are here. I couldn't wait for them to get here on Sunday. My poor momma started being pestered by me about 7:30 AM on Saturday. I started calling to see if they had left yet.

They were still in bed.

Sorry, Momma.

I haven't seen them since January. They arrived the day Christopher was born. I don't remember much of that visit. The whole first month of motherhood is sort of a blur to me now.

It is easy to forget from visit to visit how hard it is to see my daddy for the first day or two. It is easy for me to forget what Parkinson's has done to him.

It is hard not to be sad, and it is hard not to be angry.

Momma said today that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being there to help them or to spend some time with Daddy while it still counts. She reminded me that they chose to go to Tennessee. That's true. I wanted them to come here.

Still though, I feel like I don't have a right to complain. Like I should just be happy for the time I do get to have with them.

I am happy for the time I have with them. I'm so happy my momma is here - I want to let all the air out of her tires and hide her wallet so that she can't ever ever leave.

But Daddy makes me nervous. And I don't feel like a good daughter. I feel impatient and I feel angry that he isn't like he used to be. I want my son to know him how he used to be.

I had to tell Daddy today that I didn't want for him to carry Bird up or down the stairs. That it made me uncomfortable, and as his mother, I needed to make sure that he was safe. Daddy carrying him up and down the stairs isn't safe.

He didn't get mad. He didn't get his feelings hurt.

In a way, I think wanted him to. I didn't want him to be so resigned to Parkinson's that he understood my concerns and gave in so easily. It wasn't like him.

Then again, it was a relief not to have to fight him on it like we did over his car keys a few years ago.

He is resigned to this new way of life I suppose. I should be too.

But some days, I want him to fight harder. I want him to take on Parkinson's like he used to take on ambulance chasing lawyers. And I lecture him on his diet and urge him to exercise and pester him to get more tests and try new drugs.

He's tired I think.

I'm annoying I know.

And Parkinson's isn't a fair opponent. It plays dirty. It messes with his body and his mind. I'm just an outsider, not even with him on a daily basis, and yet I find it appropriate to be trying to force him into giving up refined sugar and caffeine. What the hell do I really know anyway?

He's just tired it seems.

I guess I would be too if I were him.

It's not fair to ask him to fight so hard in a battle where the winner is already determined with the diagnosis. But I wish he would. Fight harder that is.

Labels: Daddy, Grief, Parkinson's

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria and Co. DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 11:36:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry, Canape. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel like you have lost someone, before they are actually gone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 6:22:00 AM EDT I'm sorry this is so hard for you. You are strong though. Hugs and love.. and prayers to you all. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Patience DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 8:35:00 AM EDT But it's his fight to fight in his way. You can't do it for him. Perhaps he's fighting it in a way you can't see. Maybe your father is letting the disease have what it wants, while he's keeping and enjoying what he can. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

HeatherK DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM EDT Hoping maybe his 'not fighting' is more about acceptance. It's got to be so hard to watch, to note the differences, to see things he could do slip away. *hugs* ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 7:40:00 PM EDT I'm so very sorry. Watching family grow older is very hard esp. parents. Enjoy the time you have with them while they're visiting. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amanda DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 10:05:00 PM EDT I was taken completely by surprise how deep my anger went as I began to lose my grandfather.

So sorry. I bet you'll think of him years from now as having waged a fierce battle. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 10:13:00 PM EDT It's such a tough spot to be in, wanting someone to fight and fight hard but knowing they are tired and knowing that they need us to tell them that it is okay to be tired. It sucks and it is also okay to cry.

You are a great daughter, and I am sure your Daddy's proudest accomplishment. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 8:47:00 PM EDT it is so hard to watch someone you love - especially someone who was your strong one, your protector - grow weaker.

i hope Patience is right and he's keeping and enjoying what he can.

but it still has to be heartbreaking to watch. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Paper thin DATE: 6/08/2008 10:26:00 PM ----- BODY:

My daddy is such a shell of who he used to be. He is so frail. So fragile.

His feelings have always been frail and fragile. He would be wounded if I chose to spend the night at a friend's house instead of staying home with him on a Friday night. Paper thin skin.

Now, his whole being is paper thin. His belt holds up his jeans only because it rests on his hip bones. Kissing his cheek feels like pressing my lips up to a piece of slate. Hugging him means hugging myself too after I have already wrapped your arms around him once.

He says things that are irrelevant. The once lightening quick trial lawyer thought processes have been detoured by disease. It is almost more heartbreaking when he catches himself and tells you to "disregard what I just said." I might rather him not realize it.

Distances and spacial relations are confused. He goes upstairs to bed because he always had before they moved into a ranch. He sometimes still lives in Mississippi or California. It stings my soul when he forgets that I'm too far away to drop by and see him.

His nerves are frayed. Knowing that he must be somewhere at a certain time causes stomach wrenching anxiety. He needs more time. He needs more flexibility. What if he freezes and cannot move for 30 minutes? What if he has an accident after he has gotten dressed? What if he disappoints us by not being ready?

What if he disappoints us by not being who he used to be?

I know this man. He used to be my father. It is a role that I can only help him fill now. I have to concoct situations in which he can still be the father. Ask for advice that I don't really need. Let him help me even though I can do it faster on my own. Make it be that our roles don't feel reversed all of the time.

Even though so much of him is gone, I still know this man. There is so much of him still left in his eyes. In his smile. In his laugh.

He is still, and always will be, my Daddy.

Labels: Daddy, Grief, Parkinson's

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

No Minimom DATE:Sunday, June 8, 2008 at 11:12:00 PM EDT I can't imagine going through this with a parent. I'm so sorry this disease is doing this to your Daddy. He is very lucky to have such a sweet and supportive daughter like you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Sunday, June 8, 2008 at 11:26:00 PM EDT sounds so hard. on everyone.

i'm really sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 12:00:00 AM EDT Yeah. I like your approach, though. I'm glad he's still your Daddy. (Oh, the times I remember! The twinkle in his eyes, the solemn look when he reminded us of curfew, the "Canape..." if Sugar was outside a little too long ... your Daddy is a good one!) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 6:41:00 AM EDT I know it's hard. Our family is going through a similar situation with Alzheimers.

Hugs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Patience DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 12:35:00 PM EDT Years ago, my father was in the hospital. He couldn't get out of bed, could barely move without help.

During that same time I had been having car trouble, and my car broke down on the way to the hospital to visit him. I had it towed, and walked the rest of the way to the hospital, where I called the mechanic. He said I needed a new alternator. I asked my dad what he thought, did I really need a new alternator or could it be something else. Dad asked me a few questions, then said, yes, the mechanic was probably right.

For that moment, he could be my dad, giving me advice. Helping his daughter. Even though his body was ravaged, his mind still worked. For the first time in a long time, he felt useful, someone needed his advice! I could see it in his face. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 3:01:00 PM EDT Hugs, Canape. I imagine it must be heartbreaking. Hang in there, girl. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM EDT This is so hard and I feel terrible for you. The way that you are honoring him-- pretending to need advice, finding ways to let him continue to be your daddy-- this is beautiful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

deb DATE:Monday, June 16, 2008 at 12:15:00 PM EDT The disease ravages the body, but you'll always have great memories of your daddy. Someone told me, when it became evident that we wouldn't have my daddy around much longer. Write. Write everyday, every time you have a great memory. I slacked a lot and I've forgotten a lot. But I have a great book about "Uncle Louie" and hopefully you'll have one about your dad, if only in your own record and memory. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Cloudy and a chance of rain DATE: 4/09/2008 03:17:00 PM ----- BODY:

My daddy called me last night. I have a confession. I have been avoiding talking to him on the phone.

It's not that I don't miss him and don't want to talk to him, I do. But talking to him on the phone doesn't make those feelings go away because it doesn't feel like my daddy I'm talking to.

Last night, I couldn't understand much of what he was saying. He has been to speech therapy, and from what I've been told, it has helped. However, at the end of the day, if he is tired and on the phone, he is still very hard to understand.

He gave me the weather report for where they live. He always tells me about the weather. There is a chance of storms this weekend, and he is worried about them. He always worries about things now.

He and Momma are coming back for a visit and Christopher's baptism in June. He knows they are coming, but not when, so he always tells me that it will be soon. Sometimes he'll stop and ask my momma when exactly it is, but usually he will just say soon.

The confusion is disconcerting on the phone. It makes me uncomfortable some days. Whereas I used to enjoy talking to him for the conversation, now it's different. I'm not saying I don't ever enjoy talking to him. He's still my daddy. I still want to talk to him.

I worry about him though. I worry about whether or not he realizes how he comes across on the phone to me. I worry about whether or not he realizes how confused he sounds or how I can't understand what he is saying. I worry about if it suddenly occurs to him later that he called my youngest niece a boy and used male pronouns all the way through his story.

I worry because I think he would be embarrassed and I don't want him to be.

It's hard to not see him daily. I think that it would be easier to deal with if I saw him more often.

But I don't and I can't.

I sit over here, 12 hours away from him, wishing that I could pick up the phone and talk to him 10 years ago. I miss the advice. I miss the jokes that made sense. I miss the stories that I understood. I miss having a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with the weather.

I miss him. He's still here, and yet I miss him. I hope he doesn't know I feel that way.

Labels: Daddy

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Two Lines On a Stick DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 4:27:00 PM EDT ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

DrSavta DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM EDT How poignant and sad! To love him for who he is must be so difficult when you know who he used to be. It's very very sad. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Rachel DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 5:43:00 PM EDT I totally understand where you are coming from. This is my first comment I believe, but you are an amazing writer. I am sure he feels the same, missing being himself. Best of luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 7:19:00 PM EDT He knows you love him and that's all that is important. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

the sandwich life DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 8:52:00 PM EDT ah, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because I understand all too well and I know how much it hurts. I just got off the phone with my mother telling me about my father's latest....it just hurts so much sometimes....and the future is even scarier. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

BMom DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 9:25:00 PM EDT Hugs to you. Such an incredible post. You spoke directly to my heart. Great writing.

My dad is ill too. And the whole time I'm talking to him? I worry that he can hear the worry in my voice over how weak he sounds. Do I sound too cheerful? Am I overcompensating? Then I stop, try to redirect my thoughts to the positive that we're able to talk at all . . . but it's like the worry kind of fills the air in the sounds waves.

I know what your dad can hear though - he hears how much you love him. Because that's always there, no matter what our voices say in words - he feels that love and that's what matters most. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 9:32:00 PM EDT This much hurt so much. It is cruel to have to miss your daddy when he's still here. I'm sorry for this. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Gerbil DATE:Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 11:59:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry. We're going through this with one of our family members... it really is the cruelest thing to lose them so slowly, and yet so quickly in other ways. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 8:31:00 AM EDT You're breaking my heart. I feel the pain and sadness in your post.

I have the same issue with my grandfather. It's very hard.

Hugs and love and prayers. Your dad is awesome and loves you and remember that no matter what he sounds like. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennie DATE:Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 8:56:00 PM EDT Absolutely heartbreaking. This is a horrible disease and so hard to watch it happen to a loved one.

My grandma covered for my grandpa for a few years, I think it was also to deny the truth herself. And now, he barely speaks at all. I miss him.

But like everyone said, your dad knows you love him. Hugs ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Sunday, April 13, 2008 at 5:39:00 PM EDT Big hugs. This is a beautiful post and heartbreaking. You are a wonderful daughter. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Alone again, for now DATE: 10/29/2007 01:19:00 PM ----- BODY:

The house is quiet. Momma and Daddy left this morning. Lovely is at school and then goes to her mother's house for a couple of days. Guy is at work. Always at work. It's just me and the pups for now.

Daddy did very well here, I thought. The stairs are problematic, but we couldn't do anything about that. He was up and down during the night and got off of his medicine schedule one day, but these are things that happen at home too. Overall, I thought the visit went well, and I don't think it will be as much work as was anticipated if they come for Bird's arrival in January.

Daddy is used to doing things and being the boss man. It is difficult to keep your patience with him now that he needs constant help, but then tells you how to do what he needs help with. Either that, or he wants you to help him right that second, even if you are already doing something else for him. I know it must be one of the many things that frustrates Momma, and with good reason. I just hope she doesn't feel guilty for being frustrated or out of patience sometimes.

Taking them to the 3D ultrasound was my favorite part of the week. They were really excited to get to see Bird, and the tech even printed some extra pictures for them to take back. It was incredibly cool to get to share that with them.

And the trip was happy. Even with Momma's scans looming in the near future and the reality of more chemo getting closer by the day, it was a happy trip. Of course, we are comparing that to our last two visits, one of which I lost a baby, and the other of which she was in the ICU on a ventilator. Not exactly tough competition for this trip. But we were happy. Or at least, I was. I know Momma's worried that she may not get to see Little Bird other than in those pictures, but I just don't believe that. I think she will team up with chemo again and push the cancer back at least once more.

If it's even there. We don't even know if it's there yet.

Last night, the five of us played a domino game that Daddy had been wanting to teach Lovely all week. The strange thing was, he couldn't remember how to play it. Every time we got to his turn, we had to explain the rules again. He tried to quit because he was holding us up, he said, but nobody minded. So he stayed, and he played. And even with the bizarre fact that he had to be retaught how to play with every round, there was so much of his old self there. He joked around and even broke out into the same random song that Guy did at one point. We all laughed. A lot. And it was good.

But now it is quiet. And I'm facing the third trimester.

This baby is going to be here before we know it.

I hope we are ready.

Labels: Baby Lust, Cancer, Daddy, Family, Guy and Me, Lovely, Momma, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 2:34:00 PM EDT You are ready, and you are going to be a wonderful mother. :)
That breaks my heart about your parents. They seem like such wonderful, caring, loving people. I hope they are around for a long, long time, and get to see your and Hubby's kids grow a little older.

As much as you love company, isn't it nice to have the house nice and quiet once again?! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 3:47:00 PM EDT Oh, heartbreaking about your parents.

It's nice though that they got to go to the u/s - I rather wanted my mom to come to one, but we just couldn't make it happen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 5:13:00 PM EDT You are SO ready!! You're ready because it's who you are, and you are a FANTASTIC mama!!

I loved hearing about your Dad and how much fun he had playing the game. What a blessing.

And I know 100% that your Mom will be around to see Little Bird, I'm accepting nothing else!

Miss you and can't wait to "meet" the babe! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mamma DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 6:03:00 PM EDT Oh I'm glad it went well.

Momma will be there. She will. I know it.

How incredible that they got to be there for the ultrasound. Very cool.

Get your rest chica. That babe-o-lah will be here before you know it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 7:40:00 PM EDT The funny thing about babies is they show up when they are ready...and you just adjust! You will be surprised how ready to are, even if there are a few things left undone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 8:16:00 PM EDT You're ready. You were ready a long, long time ago.

Your visit sounds lovely, and I'm so happy that you had this time with them. You will always, always treasure this. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 8:48:00 PM EDT You are going to be a fantastic mother, Canape... You already are to Lovely. I just can't wait to see that Little Bird in "person", his ultrasound shots were so gorgeous.

Your parents actually sound much better than I thought they would be, after everything you've told us about them. I understand about your dad's "deterioration"... my own f-i-l went through Altzheimer's disease when I was expecting my first child. But, he lived to see his first granddaughter, and really KNEW her for several more years, which was incredible.

I'm certain that your momma and daddy are going to be there with you when Bird is born. They wouldn't miss it for the wide world. And it's going to be the most incredible experience in ALL of your lives!

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:03:00 PM EDT Oh darling, you couldn't be readier.

And your momma will see your little bird. I know it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:08:00 PM EDT I'm so glad that you had a nice visit with them. And that you learned a little more about what to expect with they are visiting when Little Bird comes. The image of your Daddy playing the game, busting out in random song, having to be reminded of the rules each turn... This made me laugh and tear up simultaneously. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Monday, October 29, 2007 at 11:18:00 PM EDT I love hearing you talk about your parents. Kinda reminds me of visiting and playing with my Grands.

When the time comes, you are going to be an awesome Momma, you will be ready and we will be here to cheer you all on! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 12:06:00 AM EDT You are ready. You are ALREADY Little Bird's mama. You are.

And I think you know it, too. :-)

Love to Momma and G-Daddy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 10:05:00 AM EDT I'm so glad to hear things went well with your dad! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 5:00:00 PM EDT What a great visit!

Let me tell you, you can only be so ready for a baby. So relax...don't worry too much about being "ready" because it can only go so far. Then you'll be in for the wildest...and bestest!...ride of your life! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 7:24:00 PM EDT You are gonna be a great mommy to Bird! You do a great job with Lovely already! :)

Your parents sound amazing and its sad to know what they're going through. :(

YAY for a quiet house.. at least for a bit. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

LIBSMOM DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 7:45:00 PM EDT We are at the point, with my Dad that we have to remind him who people are. Not key people but like parents of other kids on my son's ball team. It's sad and he doesn't understand why we're surprised when he doesn't remember who these people are. He tells random stories that aren't related to the topic of discussion in a group and has completely given up on his quest to learn how to use a computer. So, so sad really. We're all practicing how to not seem surprised anymore.
I will pray that your Mom lives a long and fulfilling life loving on her grandchildren as the grow. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Little shards of truth DATE: 10/23/2007 03:40:00 PM ----- BODY:

I know. I'm supposed to be on break, visiting with my folks. And I am, but they need some quiet time, and so do I. Every once in awhile of course. So far it has been great having them here, and I think Daddy is doing really well. I am quite surprised actually. Pleasantly surprised.

He can't remember Lovely's name, and called her, "The little girl who lives here sometimes," which made me cry. But he can't help it, and it's not personal. I just continue to remind him, and Momma makes up for it by gushing about how wonderful she is. Which is true, so it's easy.

There is something on my mind though. Something that I need to flesh out, and I might as well try to do it here. I don't really want to go back to therapy right now if I can help it.

Guy wants to know why I think the hospital is the enemy. Why I feel like I will be fighting them tooth and nail to get the birth that I want for Little Bird to have. And while I'm not even convinced that I do feel that way, it is an interesting question.

I know that I want to be comfortable at the hospital. Comfortable as in relaxed and confident that I am being listened to and have first say in what is going on as long as things are moving along safely. I don't want to feel as though I'm being treated like someone who is sick or incapable of taking care of themselves. I want to feel strong, and I want to feel prepared.

So maybe I do feel that way. Maybe I do feel like I won't have much of a say and like everything is happening "to me" instead of "with me."

Little shards of truth still lay under my skin I guess. Things I haven't said aloud. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Laying under my skin and growing scars around them that are ugly and infected.

1. I had never been in the hospital before my D&C.

2. The last thing I said to anyone before they put me under was, "I don't care if he's dead. I don't want you to take my baby."

So there. It is really not a mystery. Just some things in my head I haven't learned to live with yet. Things that I didn't even know might be an answer when Guy asked the question the other day.

They probably have a lot to do with an answer. I know it's not the same. I know the two experiences are not related. I know all the logical answers.

Funny how none of that matters when you let your fears guide you.

Labels: Baby Lust, Daddy, Family, Grief, Momma, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 4:10:00 PM EDT Oh sweetheart. When I say them out loud, the fears often loose thier power. I hope the same for you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 4:33:00 PM EDT Oh, honey. Who could blame you for that level of apprehension about hospitals, even if there's no medical professional to blame for what happened?

But do try to remember that often a birth plan has to be scrapped on a dime. It happened twice with me. And there was really no use being sad about it (though I was, for a time). Ben and Jack ended up healthy, even if they had to be brought into the world via emergent C-section. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:10:00 PM EDT Fear, my dear is completely irrational. Im sorry you are scared. I hope and pray that your birth experience is wonderful and that they listen to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:30:00 PM EDT Glad that you're enjoying your visit with your parents. You'll always look back and love this time that you have with them. When you were their daughter, before you had your boy.
As for the birth, have you looked into working with a doula? Someone who will really be an advocate for you and Guy in making your birth experience as close to your idea as possible? Many doulas charge on a sliding scale. Just a thought. I sure wish I'd had one! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM EDT My heart aches for you, babe. I hope you find the peace you seek, and the confidence that will see you through the birth.

Repeat after me ... healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama .... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mrs. Chicken DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 5:58:00 PM EDT I hated the hospital. I watched my dad bleed out in an ER cubicle just four months before I had to go under the knife myself, to birth the girl.

But once I got there, it was OK. Because it was a different experience, it was joyful and hopeful and yes, a little bittersweet without my father.

But it was not the same as that terrible day with all the tears and the blood and the loss.

I am confident you will get through it, because you will be joyful that fateful day.

Best to you. Enjoy your folks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:51:00 PM EDT you know, a lot of women have gradations of post-traumatic stress reactions to D&Cs and birth and other situations where their bodies and selves are made vulnerable in a medical environment, in part because of the profundity of the experience and in part because of the way it's sometimes handled or the way that things sometimes get out of the control of the person to whom it is happening. it's normal, particularly if there's been a previous negative experience, or if there's a need for emergency interventions. and a healthy baby is the goal, but there's no need for you to be scarred - or scared - along the way, seriously.

it might be worthwhile actually taking a serious look at your grief at the time of the D&C and how that whole experience impacted you, physically and emotionally, and trying to consciously disconnect it from the hospital and from the birth ahead with Little Bird. because the two won't be the same, as many have said. but you may need and want to do some work to make sure that you're in a different place yourself, by the time you get there.

by which i mean to say, what you feel - the shards - is not wrong. it's a wound. and wounds deserve a little kindness, a little healing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:53:00 PM EDT Just because you know all the logical answers doesn't mean it has to make sense. You are certainly entitled to you thoughts & fears!!!

I know in my heart all will go well and in the end you will both be blessed beyond measure :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 8:57:00 PM EDT My heart goes out to you! I agree with Kami, when I say the things that frighten me the most, the fear often lessens. I too, hope the very same and more for you!

thoughts and prayers with you ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:25:00 PM EDT Canape, I agree with Bon's comment, that perhaps it's worth doing a little work (even if it's therapy) to help heal these sharp shards. It seems perfectly reasonable (even if not rational) for you to feel this way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:37:00 PM EDT I don't necessarily think it's bad to be prepared to have to fight for what you want and then (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised by the experience.

I second the idea that it's good to have an advocate there for you so you don't have to do it yourself. Especially if you have very understandable fears about it. Plus then if things have to change, s/he can help you understand that's it's okay, without it having to be orders from the doctors and nurses.

And no matter what, and no matter how he is born, the end result will be that you will have a happy, healthy baby--and that's truly the important thing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 8:08:00 AM EDT Sadly, I am not sure he'll ever get but luckily, he's that kind of wonderful guy that will support you no matter what.

I've sad this before and I will say it again. You're human, and wonderful and caring and suppose to be scared of something like. It's life changing.

Not that you'd want me, but I wish I could be there. If only to advocate from the hallway. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 9:46:00 AM EDT Fear is so irrational. I would feel the same way given that history Canape.

We all base our future on our history. But I have learned that things are rarely what you think they will be the second time around. If that even makes sense.

P.S. Your Mom rocks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Redneck Mommy DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 10:44:00 AM EDT Ouch.

This post hurt. I wish you a better experience, one that can help ease the hurt of the previous one.

Perhaps you will have a green intern like I did, one you can pick on and tease and torment.

Good times, that is. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 7:53:00 PM EDT With my first, I was really against the whole medical birth.

I think we women have given away a lot of our own power of the birthing process to the doctors and medical establishment. I think maybe you're really fighting that??

It's not wrong to want to fight that. More and more women are wanting that and look at the changes in just one generation.

I did the best I could with the current mindset of birthing and how far I was willing to go against it. I know you'll do the same too...we're always doing our best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sara DATE:Wednesday, October 24, 2007 at 8:59:00 PM EDT i know this is not related to todays post but can you tell me how I can add a Team Whymommy button to my blog?

Thanks!
Sara ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Space Mom DATE:Thursday, October 25, 2007 at 2:13:00 PM EDT My first hospital experience was a D&C also...

We made a very detailed birth plan. And my husband and I made clear to each other what we felt were needed and what were ok to let go off (example, epidural, yeah, okay... episiotomy? no!)

We decided we needed a plan to deviate from, because you ALWAYS need a plan to deviate from.

Take the time to educate yourself about the birth process and stand up for your self. Then things couldn't be better....

HUGS... ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: House guests DATE: 10/22/2007 12:18:00 PM ----- BODY:

Cleaning a house that has never been unpacked and is still being renovated is not an easy task. However, when your parents are coming for a visit, getting that task accomplished becomes much more important to you.

Guy and I spent the past two weeks trying to unpack boxes, put things away, build shelves, and clean, and clean some more. Even Lovely got in the act, coming to us and saying, "How can I help?" She really is an amazing 11 year old. And of course, it makes me feel good that she was excited for G-Daddy and Nana to come for a visit. In her words, "You can't have too many grandparents."

G-Daddy and Nana (who Guy and I lobbied to be called G-Daddy and Special Sauce, but Nana won out in the end) arrived last night, and seem to be settling in alright. They were up and down most of the night, but I'm not sure that is very different than when they are at home.

Daddy is ready to get out and run some errands today. Momma and I are not. The problems I've been having with my SI joint have really caught up with me, and I'm sticking to this chair and my hot pad as much as possible today. Momma of course does all the driving now, so she is tired too. We are just lumps on a log today, and it feels good.

So, dear internets, with this visit in mind, I'm about to have to hit the dreaded "mark read" on the blog reader. I'll try and catch up next week, but for now, I'm going to just have to miss you all. I will, however, say hello to the Reverend Momma for you.

Labels: Daddy, Family, Momma

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Perugini DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:06:00 AM EDT I had sciatica pain with each of my pregnancies, so I can relate your pain!

Have a wonderful visit, and take good care!

xoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:59:00 AM EDT Have a great visit! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 10:32:00 AM EDT Please give Mama a big hug and kiss for me!

I hope you all have a great time together. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 10:38:00 AM EDT Oh! Have a wonderful time with your momma! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

labugga DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM EDT Hope you're having a wonderful visit! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Helena DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 7:58:00 PM EDT If your SI joint continues to hurt, try an ice pack. While pregnant with triplets, my SI joint hurt CONSTANTLY! Ice helped numb the nerves adn took the pain away, at least for a little while. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 9:30:00 PM EDT Eww, feel better! And have a lovely time with your momma! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at 11:21:00 PM EDT Give the Reverend Mamma our love! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

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A couple of months ago, my momma made reference to when she and my daddy would be here for the birth of Little Bird. Inside my head rang, "Um. What? Seriously? Okay, no." and out of my mouth came, "So you guys are planning on coming in January?"

Momma replied, "Of course. Your daddy wouldn't miss it for the world."

I chose not to comment at that time. I wanted to think about it. Which is rare for me, but I'm glad I did.

Since then, I have thought a lot about this. I have read a lot of other people's words about how family created more work for the new mom. Extended family intruded and was in the way more than they were helpful.

Even though there is some truth to that in our situation, I'm rethinking how I feel about it. Putting my own spin on it, if you will.

There are many reasons why having my parents be here would be more work for me and Guy.
My daddy is no easy dude these days. Parkinson's and Alzheimer's have left him needing constant care and an unending supply of compassion.

However, my mother has that. She doubts it some days I imagine, but she would be wrong. She has it, and she will be here with him.

Simple things about being here will be difficult for Daddy. Or at least I think they will. Just being away from his own home will be hard. After 30 years of living in a two story home, he still tells Momma that he is "going up to bed." What some people consider habits are necessary routine for Daddy. Break that routine, and you get crippling anxiety. Some days, you just get the crippling anxiety for no apparent reason.

Stairs will be hard. Sleeping in a different bed will be hard. Finding a bathroom at night in a new house will be hard. Not knowing where to find a few snacks throughout the night will be hard.

Being at the hospital will be hard. Daddy does not do well in hospitals. When Momma was in the hospital last October, my biggest challenge was keeping Daddy corralled and calm. He would want to wander the halls by himself. He would introduce me as his sister and become confused when people would try to lead him back to his wife's room. Because it was his mother that was in the hospital in his mind. The stress of the situation had him completely rattled and confused.

Planning a natural childbirth, the most important thing in the world to me is getting Bird here safely and without interruption. I don't want to worry about where Daddy is and if he is doing alright. I don't want for him to become anxious if labor continues on and I am struggling. I don't want for him to be uncomfortable at the hospital.

And I don't want them to miss a minute with Little Bird.

And that is where the spin comes in.

Their health is not reliable. Everyday that we have with them is really and truly a gift. They have been waiting a long time for this grandchild and have stood by my side through my incredibly rocky ride through adulthood. I want them to be here with me, Guy, Lovely, and Bird.

So what if it is more work? So what if I might be a more tired and stressed with a newborn? So what if I feel like I have to clean the house a little bit better, have the kitchen a little more stocked, and make a few more detailed plans to ensure that Daddy is comfortable and safe? He is so excited about it, and I want for him to be happy.

That is my choice.

When I look back at the birth of Little Bird, I want to know that my family was included. I want my mom and dad to be able to share in the excitement. Well, whatever excitement occurs in the waiting room, but still. I want them to be there to meet Little Bird as soon as possible.

Whatever it takes from me and Guy to have that happen is okay with me.

Labels: Baby Lust, Daddy, Family, Momma, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Karla DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM EDT Sweet sentiments, but totally impractical. I've had experience with both newborns and a parent w/Alzheimer's and you are truly minimizing the difficulties you'll face. Good luck. You're going to need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:17:00 AM EDT Your sincerity is well, underwhelming.

If you had enough experience, you would know that the effects of this disease are different with every person who it strikes. So your experience is just that. Yours.

I'm not minimizing the difficulties, I'm saying that I'm choosing to accept them in order to have my parents here. It will be their only chance, and I love them enough to give it to them.

It's too bad you decided not to be clickable. I would be interested to read about your experiences. I would be happy to listen. Without the same snotty judgment you have exhibited. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MB DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:34:00 AM EDT You are a brave woman, and so kind to want to include them.

I was not so kind, but do not regret it. It was my new beginning with my new family and I wanted it to be about the three of us. Then again, I am often called selfish!

It was what was right for me. You do what is right for you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:35:00 AM EDT [DOH!]

I had the WHOLE family in the L&D room with me. The men folk sat on the other side of a flimsy curtain while the women were with me. It was totally Red Tent, and I would never change a second of it.

I actually enjoyed a few moments when I was taking care of other people, it helped me take my mind off the, ummm, moment.

I loved having the family with us for Henry's birth. And I plan to do it again! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:37:00 AM EDT I always admired and liked your dad, C. He always made a point to talk to me and asked pertinent questions about things he knew about me, making it obvious he remembered the previous conversations we'd had. That always left an impression upon me about how I hope I communicate with my kids' friends, to make them feel like they matter.

Of course, I'll probably just say "Unless you can beat me in NCAA Football on the Xbox, you can't hang out with my daughter tonight." Then make him buy me an icee after I wax his ass. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MB DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:38:00 AM EDT PS Perhaps they could wait at home until the very end of labor, or even come as soon as Little Bird is born? By the time they got to the hospital he would be all clean and snuggly?

I wouldn't wish a day in a hospital waiting room on anyone. I think they are designed to be as uncomfortable and miserable as possible.

I was in the hospital for three whole days before the baby finally popped outta me. (Or was yanked out.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MplsChic DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:02:00 PM EDT Delurking here (and I don't have a blog, otherwise I'd link...) - but just wanted to applaud your thought process and decision. I've never been in your position, but I hope I would make the same choice. Frankly, I don't see a lot of difference between your willingness to make arrangements and deal with the potential challenges of having your parents present for birth and your willingness to take on and make arrangements for the full range of challenges and adjustments that a new child brings. Both require enduring some hardship - but both are so monumentally worth it in the end. Right? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:21:00 PM EDT You have such a good heart, Canape. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 12:23:00 PM EDT I am so glad you made that decision. You will be happy you did in the long run. Your parents are amazing people and yes, they do deserve every second they can get with their new grandchild. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Erika Jurney, Plain Jane Mom DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 1:08:00 PM EDT That's a challenge you have there, but I would say that the person actually doing the birthing (that's you!) should be able to dictate the circumstances. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kendra DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:01:00 PM EDT I'm sure it will be hard, but what you will get out of it will so much more rewarding. I think having someone else to take care (or focus on) would have helped me after my daughter was born.

On the plus side, you won't really know if it is harder or easier without them since you haven't done it before. There won't be the "it was easier last time without them" thoughts going on. They may provide you with a needed distraction and will certainly give you all their love and support, which is something I think all moms need after birth. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:07:00 PM EDT Being your father's child I wouldn't expect anything less than for you to completely think through what you think might happen at the blessed event. With my first baby grandparents were present and Dad was taking law school finals. I have fond memories of your granddaddy sitting with me while in labor. With you, only Dad was there. Grandparents were keeping big brother. My mother came after the births and helped--though I had to be really specific what I wanted.

We will be where you want us when you want us. Just give us enough notice to get there. This grandma can't wait. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:21:00 PM EDT I think that you've looked at all sides of the situation and made a choice - the best choice for you and your family. I think you are amazingly realistic about the work that will be involved, but are willing to take it on so your family can be here to enjoy birds entrance into this big crazy world. Nothing EVER goes perfectly, and anything worth having is worth the work it will require. People who have always had it easy, or run away from difficult times or situations will never understand that, nor will they ever REALLY get to enjoy this wonderful, crazy, messy, lovely thing we call LIFE!! I admire you and your strength!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mutt DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:34:00 PM EDT Do what will make you happy. I did not want my mother in the room wtih me while I was delivering and sort of kept her at arms length at the end of my pregnancy. She came to see Peanut both days we were in the hospital and that was it. In the end I really wish she would have come to stay with us for a while after he was born. She kept saying she would and I never thought she wouldn't.

Make the plan YOU want and do that. This is YOUR (and guy's) time, so do it however will make you happy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mutt DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:36:00 PM EDT Do what makes you happy.

I didn't want my mother in the delivery room with me so I kept her at arms length toward the end of my pregnancy. She ended up visiting me in the hospital both days I was there, but nothing after that. She always said she would stay with me for the first week or so. I never dreamed she wouldn't.

It's YOUR day. Do it however will make YOU happy. That's what matters. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jaime DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:41:00 PM EDT {{{HUGS}}} C. I wish I had as much tact as you do. You are going to be a wonderful mommy :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 2:49:00 PM EDT canape, reading this put a lump in my throat - beautiful (both your post and yourself). it is afterall your decision. everything will fall in place.

p.s. don't listen to the noise. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:00:00 PM EDT First off, I'm shocked at the comment left by Karla! I'm don't even know what to say, how could someone be so rude to YOU of all people.

Moving right along...I began reading this, relating to my own experience with my less-than-helpful parents after the births of my own children. After reading this, I realize that although they weren't helpful, they were HERE. They got to experience the joy of adding a new family member.

Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't all about me.

I love your outlook on the situation. It will all go smoothly. I promise you won't have time to worry while you're in your drug-free labor!

I feel the odd urge to snap my fingers and say "you go girl." Would that be weird? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Karaoke Diva DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:27:00 PM EDT Like you said, your time with your parents is limited. Yeah, it may be a bit more stressful for you, but how happy and blessed will you feel when you look back the pictures of your dad holding the Bird for the first time right after he's born? How much will you cherish the look on your mom's face when she sees him for the first time?

I think the pros for you will far outweight the cons.

(Oh, and f*ck you, Karla.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Katie DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 3:33:00 PM EDT What a loving daughter. Very brave and thoughful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 6:29:00 PM EDT Canape, it sounds like you're making a very wise decision and putting not only a lot of thought but a lot of heart into it.

This is a once in a lifetime event. You do what you know is right for you and fart on Karla. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 7:01:00 PM EDT Canape you are amazing, thoughtful, wonderful, and heart-warming. You think through things and go into circumstances with eyes wide open as well as open to the possibility that you could end up with an entirely different situation. However, you charge in and take control. I love your wisdom, posts, and our virtual friendship.
I was so selfish and worried about my in-laws coming to stay and you are facing a more difficult road with much more grace. I heart you :)

Can I also say that reading your Mom's post brought tears to my eyes? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 8:52:00 PM EDT I think a lot depends on your mom. If she will be full time taking care of your dad, then it might be hard, but if she has the energy to take care of you a little too it might be fine.

I haven't wanted my mommy so badly as the day The Mayor was born in 30 years. I swear. I was so freaked out and lost and man did I want my mom. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 9:08:00 PM EDT I really admire you and absolutely agree with your choice- not that you need anyone's agreement!

Your Little Bird should have everyone there that is important to you and Guy, no matter what!

I would make the same choice! Part of the reason we started trying to have our first child was because we wanted our children to know our "older" family members.

Kudos to you and I know your Daddy will love every single minute with his Little Bird regardless of anything else!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Friday, September 21, 2007 at 9:41:00 PM EDT Newborns do make more work but for me the work wasn't overwhelming, I knew what was coming and was prepared. I think the chance to have pictures and memories of your parents snuggled up with Little bird will make it worth everything. I get the idea, just from your blog, that you aren't the type of person who gets all bent out of shape from little things so I know you can handle it and will be so glad later than you did. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kris DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 2:43:00 PM EDT I think you are absolutely amazing for taking the time to think this whole thing through. I'm sure everything will fall into place and Bird's birth will be just as you want it to be. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 8:12:00 PM EDT I can't say anything that hasn't already been said.

But, like Grandma, I can't wait! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

The Farm House Kids DATE:Saturday, September 22, 2007 at 11:01:00 PM EDT Canape,

That is so awesome. You are so absolutely right to want them there. And you can make it happen. You will never regret having them there, but if not, you might. Let them love Little Bird with all they have in them for as long as they have with him.

I so admire you!

Tanya ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

dawn224 DATE:Sunday, September 23, 2007 at 9:02:00 PM EDT Would a postpartum doula be a help? Perhaps it would be worth the money to have someone around to support you to help you enjoy the time with both Bird and parents? http://www.dona.org/ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mrs. Chicken DATE:Monday, September 24, 2007 at 1:17:00 AM EDT My father was four months dead the day my daughter was born. In the end of his days, he was weak, sorrowful and confused.

I would have given anything in the world to have him see my daughter's face her first day on earth, even as sick and confused and sad as he was.

I was not given the opportunity to make that decision; it was made for me when he died.

It may be difficult, but canape, you won't regret it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Monday, September 24, 2007 at 4:35:00 PM EDT This is such a difficult decision. It seems to me you've weighed the options and made a good choice. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Absent DATE: 8/27/2007 11:59:00 AM ----- BODY:

This week, I am substitute teaching a high school orchestra class. It's really a strings class, I suppose, as it only has 13 students in it.

The reason I'm subbing is because Boo's daddy is very sick, and she has gone to be with her family. Boo and I have many things in common, some of which aren't the happiest things. Our parents' health is one of those things.

I think though, that we get each other so well because the issues of caring of aging parents, or parents with health problems, is not an issue that many people our age deal with. My mother and father were in their 50's when they had to deal with the really serious health issues of their parents.

The other thing Boo and I have in common is that we are both the absent children. Boo's older sister lives near their parents several hundred miles from here. My older brother lives near my parents several hundred miles from here.

It is hard to be the absent child.

I could tell you how much harder it is to be the present child and have the responsibility for day to day needs, emergencies, and anything else that has to be taken care of, but you probably already assume that. You would be right in your assumption.

The hard part about being the absent child is coming into decision making without all the information. Hearing the words, "You don't know, because you aren't here" stings. It stings because in a way, it is true. We aren't there, and we don't know as much. And we feel guilty.

But we do care as much as we did before. Boo dropped everything and went on the very day it became clear that she needed to be present, not just available by phone. And she will stay. Because deep down, she does know her daddy. She may not know every detail of every conversation with the doctors. She may not know his daily medicine routine. She may not know the levels of his latest blood work.

She knows him.

That is the blessing of being the absent child. We have a much easier time holding close to the actual person inside the trappings of a body and mind that are staging a coup.

I think that is a blessing to Boo and to her daddy too.

Labels: Daddy, Friends

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Maddie DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 1:35:00 PM EDT I'm an absent child, too. Good and bad, I suppose. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 3:32:00 PM EDT Me too, I'm the absent child. I think my brother hates me for it.

(BTW, Ben's in the process of deciding on an instrument (they all have to pick one in fourth grade). He's leaning towards the clarinet. Any thoughts, pro and/or con?) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 3:58:00 PM EDT I hope Boo and her daddy are able to spend some happy time together in spite of the fact that (sounds like) he's not doing so well. SOrry to hear that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 4:18:00 PM EDT I will keep her in my thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM EDT This is a really interesting contrast-- the present child's knowing the daily medication schedule and latest blood lab report, but the absent child knowing the person. I would think it would be easy to lose track of the person if you'd lived close and had to deal with all of the other details. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kathy DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 6:16:00 PM EDT Hi, I followed you from Karaoke Diva. As an only child, I know I have no choice but to be the present child. My parents are still pretty young, but I watched my mom take care of both her parents (and I did too while she worked, almost to the point of sacrificing college). Her brother, though still living close, was totally absolved of that responsibility. There's still a lot of jealousy between them. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 8:47:00 PM EDT For a long time, I was the present child. The one who lived closest to Mom and was there for it all--I got to have dinner and coffee or shop for pumpkins or whatever.
Then my mom up and moved to Arizona. And so did my brother. So now, I'm the absent child. And it's hard, especially with a baby boy who's growing so fast. I want Henry to remember who his Grandma Lady is, I want her to be around as much as his other Grandma.
Anyhoo: enjoy the orchestra class. And I hope that Boo and her daddy have some time together. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Redneck Mommy DATE:Monday, August 27, 2007 at 9:28:00 PM EDT I'm an absent child too.

My parents live five miles down the road. They want nothing to do with me. My siblings who live far away from them have more contact than I do.

It kills me.

I'll keep Boo and her daddy in my thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, August 28, 2007 at 11:08:00 AM EDT I was the absent child for many many years. That is a big reason I moved back to PA from OR. While I miss OR every single moment of every day, I am glad to be here, because I do have aging parents and my brothers and I have to deal with the issues. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Tuesday, August 28, 2007 at 11:30:00 AM EDT Absent can also happen if you're right down the road.

It's all in the heart, where the distance is measured.

I'm keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

sudiegirl DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 11:49:00 AM EDT Same here...my sister gets jealous, but I've gradually learned to live with it. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Let's make a deal DATE: 8/02/2007 09:56:00 PM ----- BODY:

There are boxes of my things that my former in-laws have. Four big boxes and one little box. Today, a lawyer from their town called me and asked if I would like to have them delivered. The little one they would ship, and the bigger ones I would have to arrange to have moved by a truck.

I have no idea what is in those boxes.

It crossed my mind that they were filled with stuffed animals and Swatch sweaters. It crossed my mind that they are probably filled with books, old greeting cards, and notes from junior high school. It crossed my mind they might be filled with wedding gifts that we never used.

Then it crossed my mind that I didn't even know I was missing these things. Things from my past. Things I have forgotten. Things that I once thought were important.

I told the lawyer to ship the small box and just dispose of the larger ones.

Will I regret throwing away part of my past without finding out what it was? Will I wonder for years to come what I parted with without giving it a chance? Will I always wonder if the afghans that my grandmother Honey crocheted were in those boxes?

Maybe. But it's just stuff. When you get divorced, you say good bye to stuff. I watched my ex walk out of my house with thousands of dollars worth of dishes, stainless, music equipment, cd's, and whatever else. I knew that he would sell it all. I knew that he wouldn't be throwing any dinner parties with our Ralph Lauren flatware. It didn't matter. It was just stuff.

I didn't want stuff. I wanted a life.

So I said good bye to a bunch of boxes. It felt almost like the lawyer was a game show host offering me the unknown behind curtain number one in exchange for weeks of discomfort. In exchange for me paying to have them moved here. In exchange for a little piece of the peace I have found.

No thanks. I'll pass. But please tell my former in-laws that I said thank you for asking.

I'll be getting a letter from the lawyer documenting our conversation and confirming that I gave my permission for disposal. At first, I thought they really must be scared of me to have to have a lawyer call about some boxes.

Then I remembered that they were scared of my Daddy. I remembered that when they heard he was coming to see me after the ex and I separated, they hired their son a lawyer straight away. They were scared of my Daddy, his knowledge, his record in the courtroom, and his fierce love of his daughter.

What they didn't know was that Daddy got lost in the airport while changing planes on that trip. They didn't know that I had to beg, bribe, and cry to the airlines for them to help me find him on the night he was supposed to come in. They didn't know, and they don't know, how much of him is gone.

Funny though. Sometimes I don't know how much of him is still here. On the day that I think about that, and the day that I spend mourning the losses my Daddy has faced thus far, he is busy defying those losses.

Even on what was a "bad day," he was translating legalese for my momma as she talked to their lawyer concerning my grandfather's estate. Translated the Latin. Explained the processes. Helped guide her through the conversation.

And then he had her email me and suggest that a friend of his go and look in the boxes to see what is there before I make up my mind to get rid of it all. It's an excellent idea. I'm not going to do it, because Guy and I decided over dinner that there was nothing I needed that was worth the hassle of getting it here. But still.

It felt good to find some of him that I thought was gone. I would much rather get parts of Daddy back than whatever was in those four big forgotten boxes.

Labels: Daddy, Gratitude, My Life

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 6:51:00 AM EDT Good luck with the boxes. I agree with the concept of 'stuff'. Stuff can come and go, but people and love, and family, they are always there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 7:06:00 AM EDT I am curious as to what was in them! I really admire that you and the hubby can talk about exes without having harsh feelings. I have a set of friends, who were both involved in previous marriages, and they cannot mention the ex. Ever. It comes to harsh words, and bitter fights. So, kudos to you and the hubby, for leaving the past in the past, and being able to talk like civil adults about it! You two are soulmates. (btw, I have pregnancy insomnia right now. It sucks. Just to give you something to look forward to....) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 9:20:00 AM EDT I'm glad your Daddy showed up. That must be a great feeling. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Elizabeth F. DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 9:41:00 AM EDT I don't know if I could not know what was in the boxes. I think I'd have a friend go look. I'd want whatever was mine...just so they didn't have it. But, good for you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 10:29:00 AM EDT We've gotten rid of a lot of "stuff" in the last several years. Moving and life changes will do that for you. Fortunately, the "stuff" your dad is made of cannot be lost or forgotten. You know you made me cry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 11:12:00 AM EDT Lovely post. Really. I don't much care for stuff, myself. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

AcadeMama DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 12:26:00 PM EDT You're bigger than me..I'm a have to know kind of gal. That's gotten me into trouble plenty of times, but I have to know. I have to see with my own eyes. I don't know why that is, but that's just the way I am.

But, seriously oh my God that your Daddy translated Latin in the middle of everything! I just stopped reading right there. That's amazing to me! It just goes to show how much we really don't know about the mind and what happens to it, inside it, as we age. It's great your Daddy still (unbeknownst to him) has some scare power, though! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 3:32:00 PM EDT Good for you, being able to pass on the boxes. I think I'd have done the same. I mean, if you haven't truly needed what was in them in the past year, you don't truly need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 6:19:00 PM EDT Shoot, to have that little bit of you daddy back is much better than any stupid box.
My husband got divorced before I met him and he says he lost everything in "the war," including the house he built by himself. He doesn't care it was worth it to get out. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 8:44:00 PM EDT Stuff doesn't matter-- PEOPLE matter. Those boxes "came up" for a reason... and that reason was to give you this precious glimpse of your dad.

You never have to look inside those boxes to appreciate the gift they gave you.

xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 10:22:00 PM EDT Well....it's just stuff. And you're living happier without it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 11:22:00 PM EDT I wish I knew your Daddy then, I wish I knew him now. He's this person I have created in my head that is just wonderful, although I am not so sure it's created. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:16:00 AM EDT This post gave me goosebumps.

You are definitely right. The "stuff" is just stuff. And is it really worth the hassle? And having your daddy back for a bit? What a precious gift. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Whymommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 6:13:00 AM EDT Awesome. Your Daddy is one of the most amazing men I have ever known. And your grandmother one of the most amazing grandmothers -- but you know that, stuff or no stuff.

(And although I do remember those swatch sweaters, I bet the moths have gotten to them by now!)

PS My mother's stuff was all lost "in the flood," as was much of my oldest friend's heritage stuff -- while tragic, they moved past that -- and now refer to it as "LITF," gone, over. But remembered occasionally. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 10:03:00 AM EDT I suspect that the Daddy that you love and know will always be just as such, in his own box of sorts, that you will carry with you always. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Whymommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:29:00 PM EDT P.S. Can I just mention here for a SECOND how BIG your baby inside is getting? I love to just click on over here and watch him/her grow some days!!! 174 days to go... whee! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Redneck Mommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:49:00 PM EDT Made me mist up. Reminded me of my grampa.

I say lose the boxes. If you haven't needed the contents up till now, you won't ever. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 3:02:00 PM EDT just adding to the chorus...good call. what you wanted from that life ain't in those boxes. :)

and Daddy...he really ain't in that body anymore either...he's in you. and part of that is the saddest thing in the world, and part of it, the most lovely.

a great post, Canape. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM EDT ooh, i wonder what's in those boxes.
i don't know if i could just say pitch the boxes, i think my curiosity would get the best of me. but, like you, if you haven't been missing anything, then you're not missing anything. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Slackermommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 8:22:00 PM EDT This post is exactly what makes you so special.Not many people can give up "stuff". ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kris DATE:Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 2:58:00 AM EDT Your post made me teary. I bet your daddy is an amazing man. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 5:46:00 PM EDT Oh, your daddy. What a special man. I am sorry you only get glimpses of the daddy you used to know, these days.

On a lighter note, I am so in support of your decision to toss those boxes! Power to the tossers! If you didn't miss it by now, you don't need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Paige Jennifer DATE:Monday, August 6, 2007 at 1:13:00 PM EDT Great post, lady. And let me just say that last year my mother insisted I stop by her house and take my childhood memory box out of her attic and into my own residence. I sat there on the floor of my old playroom, the chocolate brown shag rubbing against my thighs, and scratched my head in wonderment. There was a crinkled chocolate wrapper, a penny pressed out with a trolley stamped on it, a brochure from a Duran Duran concert I never attended and a bunch of other memories I had no need for. I should have done what you did - let the past stay in the past because that which is worth taking forward is already there with you. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Daddies DATE: 6/17/2007 06:29:00 PM ----- BODY:

The man I live with, am married to, and love, is already a father. His little girl means the world to him, and watching her grow up this year has been hard for him. She has hit that growth spurt where childhood sails into the background and young adult takes the lead. The teasing and tricks he used to pull on her no longer fly; she has got his number. The nicknames have become something for her to roll her eyes at instead of a giggle draw.

While Lovely and I were out and about yesterday, she asked me why he still called her "the little poopy stink." I told her that it was hard for daddies to let their little girls grow up, and that there would be a part of him that would never completely let her do so. She thought about it for a minute and then said, "But mothers like seeing their little girls grow up. Why is that?"

I was afraid she had stumped me, and maybe my answer isn't right for her mother; I don't know her mother. But I told her that mothers are looking forward to their daughters becoming their friends. Daddies love taking care of their little girls. It's just different.

Part of me has always found some way for my daddy to still take care of me. It has been his advice that I turned to. His approval. His support. Even though I am fiercely independent by nature, I love the bond of Daddy and daughter. To him, being needed is the same thing as being loved, and I have been happy to oblige.

This Father's Day, I called my daddy to tell him that I love him. He is no longer able to offer advice. He is no longer able to be an ear for when things go wrong. Some days, he is no longer able to figure out which end of the phone to put to his mouth. I can hear him talking off in the distance somewhere, and I know he's got it either upside down or backwards again.

What he can still do though is invaluable. He can still love me. And he does. He can still ask how my family is. He can still ask how my dogs are. He can still tell me about his day and how is feeling about himself lately. And although the care taking has shifted from daddy to daughter, the relationship isn't really all that different. He is still my daddy. He is just my daddy who is sick.

They say that women often marry a man who is like their father. In my case, it is true. I see a lot of the qualities that I love about my dad in my husband. Guy is a lot sillier. He is more career driven. He is less interested in church. But there are very basic traits that the two of them share. I think it explains why I was drawn to him so very quickly and knew from the get go that when he said he wanted to be with me, that I needed to jump.

So today, as I sit incubating, I am so thankful to have had a daddy like mine. And I am thankful that my child will have a daddy like Guy.

Labels: Daddy, Guy and Me

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Monday, June 18, 2007 at 5:14:00 PM EDT I love the answer you gave to Lovey; I think it is spot on. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 8:09:00 AM EDT Perfect answer to a hard question.

Your love for her is wonderful; she's very lucky to have someone as considerate as you for a step-mom. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 8:46:00 AM EDT this is a really, really lovely post.

i think sometimes it's easy to forget what a gift it is to have someone who can still love you, even if many of their other gifts are gone.

you are a gift to your dad, too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria DATE:Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 11:16:00 AM EDT Happy belated father's day to your man.
How are you feeling? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 12:30:00 PM EDT man, you always have the loveliest posts. and they make me cry a little!
Lovely is lucky to have you in her life, what a perfect answer.
Happy Father's Day to Guy and to your own dad, what special men you have! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: A new level of hell is needed DATE: 6/11/2007 05:46:00 PM ----- BODY:

Some people are beyond evil. Beyond what hell could punish. Beyond any concept of the world being inherently good.

My grandfather died in 2003. When he died, my father was still doing alright. He had his wits about him most of the time, but had a hard time with using his hands. The Parkinson's was young. My father, being the eldest son and the lawyer, was in charge of Granddaddy's estate. He promptly went about seeing that it was properly closed and settled in the correct manner.

In order to do this, he hired a lawyer from his old firm to be the executor. This lawyer who we will call The Ass, was mentored by my father. My father trusted him, and expected him to do a good job. I think I've already given away the fact that he did not. Do a good job.

It was brought to our attention over the last week by the new lawyer that Daddy hired to try and make The Ass finish his job and close the estate, that The Ass in fact, closed the estate over a year ago in the Mississippi courts. Over a year ago, the estate was closed, and now the question is: Where is all of the money?

Since the time The Ass took the role of executor of my Granddaddy's estate, he left the law firm (or was fired, we don't know), got a nasty and messy divorce, and began drinking heavily. When Bro would call to talk to him, Ass would dump his personal problems on him instead. When Mom would call to talk to him, he would ignore the messages and not call back.

When Daddy would call to talk to him, he would sit up and take note that Daddy was not the man he used to be. And then, we are afraid that he took advantage of that information and extorted the money from my Granddaddy's estate. And if that in fact is what happened, I cannot think of a jail cell or a punishment that I think is fair for him. To take advantage of your mentor after he has developed a debilitating disease is pure evil.

One day when I was a teenager, Daddy and I were driving down the highway in my hometown. There was a billboard for an ambulance chaser, and I asked him if he knew that lawyer. He said yes, that he did know him. I asked Daddy if he had ever had a case with that lawyer since Daddy was a defense attorney for the insurance companies. He said yes, that he had cases with the personal injury lawyer whose face graced the back of telephone books, billboards, and every television ad from 2 AM until 7 AM. Daddy said that usually those cases get settled out of court. I couldn't help but ask about the unusual ones, that went to trial. Daddy said, "I kicked his ass."

Of course he did. It was the only time he came close to bragging to me. Ever.

Sunday afternoon, my momma and I talked for a long time about the situation at hand. My momma said, "It's not about the money." I disagree. Granddaddy worked hard in his life, and it was important to him that he left his family something. And quite frankly, with my parents' health issues, they are going to need all the money they can get I'm afraid. So, yes. Part of it is about the money.

I get what she is saying though. The anger isn't over the money. The anger is over the fact that 5 years ago, The Ass wouldn't have even considered crossing my father. When my father was at that law firm, he was viewed with complete respect both in and out of the courtroom. People knew him as a man with impeccable ethics, but who would indeed "kick ass" when needed.

It is only the new version of my daddy, Daddy with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, that The Ass dared to cross. Dared to steal from. To cheat. To hurt. That makes me not only angry, but it also breaks my heart.

There will likely be no way to recover the money. There will likely be, however, a way to put this man in jail.

I hope that we are all wrong, and this is some giant misunderstanding.

I'm afraid though, that it isn't. I'm afraid my parents have been ripped off by someone they trusted.

It's completely disgusting.

Labels: Daddy, Grandparents

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Gerbil DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 8:32:00 PM EDT You know... i wish I could say "I don't know what to say" about that. But I do. I can think of LOTS of things to say. But they'd melt the computer. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 8:59:00 PM EDT That sounds really hard, Canape. Hard stuff. I'm so sorry, friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 9:55:00 PM EDT This makes me want to hurl.

So, so sorry you guys have to deal with this. It's just wrong. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Erika Jurney DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 10:52:00 PM EDT I really hope The Ass is "just" an incompetent jerk and not a thief... What horrible crap for you to have to wade through. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 11:00:00 PM EDT I agree, total hurl-dom. I don't think ASS is far brutal enough. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Patience DATE:Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 7:59:00 AM EDT That bites. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

AcadeMama DATE:Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 12:18:00 PM EDT Sounds like your mother is a "high road" kind of person. It's always the harder thing to do, but you're right to imply there's a "special" place for people like The Ass. I've got several Ass-like people in my own family, and now that my grandmother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, I have a feeling they'll be coming outta the woodwork. I hope things take a turn for the better soon! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 3:47:00 PM EDT i'm not very good at being a high road person, and though i completely take your mother's point and deeply commend and respect her for it...i'd just like to rip the Ass a new...him?

sigh. this is all wrong and i'm very very sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mom Ma'am Me DATE:Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 8:51:00 PM EDT That is so, so horrible. I also hope it's just a misunderstanding... but if it's not, wouldn't you have some recourse against the law firm? (I know it could be touchy to go that route because of your father's past history with them, but they should have been aware of what was going on with this lawyer's accounts and clients.)

But of course, I hope everything will be resolved ASAP with no further issues. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 10:35:00 PM EDT THAT SO S.U.C.K.S.!!!!

What the hell is wrong with people? Seriously! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Bless her heart DATE: 6/08/2007 05:36:00 PM ----- BODY:

Momma's cancer is still in some strange miraculous remission. It has been easier in the past to be finished with her treatments and move back into life with "Momma without cancer." Now, there is this part of me that refuses to rest. A sentry on the look out for bad news.

Last week, I received two voicemails while I was in my yoga class. The first was my friend who had lost her baby. The second was from Momma. Momma's message was that she had some news she needed to share with me and would I please call her.

I have to admit, I called my Momma first. The sentries of bad news were on alert. I was afraid. I dialed the phone and held my breath waiting for the word cancer.

When she answered the phone, there was a lilt in her voice that didn't say cancer at all. I waded through the small talk trying to discern if she was masking, or if she really wasn't going to give me news of a relapse.

Finally after we determined that every other family member was fine - yes, Guy had a new job - no, we don't know when he starts - yes, Lovely is ready for her summer break - no, I'll be teaching throughout the summer - Finally she says, "Well, I did something dumb."

Since I know that she wouldn't consider getting cancer again "dumb," I started to breathe again and asked what she had done.

As it turns out, Momma was feeding Bro's dogs while he and his family were on a much deserved vacation. She twisted her left foot on the stairs, breaking a bone in it, fell down the rest of the stairs and broke her right ankle.

Momma is in the bed with a boot on her left foot and a cast on her right leg. She is to put no weight on either foot. She went back to the doctor today, but I haven't heard anything yet.

I asked her if she thought she might be ready to hire some help now. She needs someone to help her do some cooking and cleaning and to help her watch Daddy. She said, "Maybe."

Maybe is much further than we have come before. She still hasn't done it, but she did say maybe.

Bless her heart. She's been laid out by chemotherapy. She's been in a coma. Now she's been sent to bed with two broken bones on both legs. And she might think about getting some help now.

I talked to Daddy yesterday. When I asked how he was holding up, he said that he was tired. I'll bet he is. He is used to just putting around when he feels like it, taking naps throughout the day, and having Momma take care of him. As it tends to do with these two, the tide has shifted again though, leaving him to be the caretaker.

One day I know I'll look back and this will all make sense. For now though, I have to wonder why the universe is just playing ping pong with my parents' health. I have to wonder why the situation can't stabilize long enough for them to have a routine.

True to Momma's spirit though. The biggest complaint she had was that she hadn't had a decent pedicure since she moved to Tennessee. Now, not only are her feet black and blue, but her toenails just look awful and it will be that much longer before she can get them fixed.

The women in my family have their priorities straight. That's for damn sure.

Labels: Daddy, Momma

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Friday, June 8, 2007 at 10:36:00 PM EDT Bless both their hearts! Heck, bless ALL Y'ALL's hearts. (Doesn't that phrase just getcha RIGHTCHEER? It's just so, so wrong.)

Hugs to your Momma and Daddy -- they deserve some rest AND some help around the house! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Saturday, June 9, 2007 at 11:04:00 AM EDT Ah man, lotsa hugs and rest and thoughts and prayers! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Saturday, June 9, 2007 at 1:31:00 PM EDT Oh, no. Both ankles! That's just awful. I'm so sorry for your momma! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 12:19:00 AM EDT I can't imagine being layed up with both ankles/legs hurt! Poor her. Wish you could carve out a bit of cast to at least give her toenails some lovin! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Peanut butter and Nilla wafers DATE: 4/23/2007 02:40:00 PM ----- BODY:

My daddy has been on my mind. The transition he and Momma have recently made from California to Tennessee has not been easy on either of them. But Daddy is happier now. He sleeps better. He eats better. The anxiety doesn't overtake him everyday. Saying "better than in California" is hardly saying much, but it's the only comparison to make.

Still though, his life is defined by how well his medications work that day. Forgetting to take something means that it will be a bad day. Waking up at 3:00 AM and thinking it is 6:00 AM, thereby eating breakfast and taking your 7:00 AM medications at 4:00 AM means, that it will be a bad day.

A bad day: A day in which anxiety and nervousness overtake Daddy's ability to function. Eating is out of the question. Dressing himself is out of the question. Sitting down or getting up by himself is out of the question. Sleeping that night will most likely be out of the question.

While in California, my momma consistently told me that I didn't understand what he was really like because I wasn't there from day to day. "You've just caught him on a bad day," she would say when I would call him on the phone and he wouldn't know who I was.

Now that he is in Tennessee, both my mother and my brother give me reports on him. My momma's reports are tempered in hope, or possibly stubbornness. A bad day can possibly be followed by a good day. A bad day can possibly be fixed or prevented with medication. A bad day is just that - a bad day. In my momma's voice you can hear her defiance against the Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. You can hear her missing her husband above all else.

My brother's reports are more to the point. How much weight Dad has lost. How many times Dad got lost in the house. How little Dad is sleeping. How I need to be coming to see Dad soon before too much more of him slips away. In my brother's voice you can hear frustration. I think that I hear resolve some days for being the chosen one to have to deal with it. I know I hear strength.

But me. My firsthand information only comes from too short visits and phone calls. Daddy perks up on the phone with me. I know he is trying to put on his best. I have done the same for him all of my life. Even on a bad day, he will get on the phone with me and tell me that he is making it. His voice cracking and shaking with the Parkinson's induced anxiety, "I'm getting by, Sweetheart. Don't worry about your Daddy," he'll tell me.

Today, Guy and I went to see a lawyer about drafting our wills and other legal documents. As we went through the questionnaire with her about our assets, insurance, and such, we came to the section about "what if we both meet an untimely death or are incapacitated simultaneously?"

Who would we want managing our finances while we laid in the hospital in our comas? In a shared room of course, with mourners, secret twins, and a dramatic soap opera soundtrack in the background.

I opened my mouth to say, "My daddy."

When all that came out was an audible squeak, I looked at Guy, and he said, "Schmoopie, you're crying."

And I was. Right there in the lawyer's office. I started to cry and I had a hard time stopping.

All of the things I used to rely on my Daddy to be, he can't be now, and all of a sudden, I missed him desperately. I wanted his advice on selling my house. I wanted his advice on buying a new car. I want his advice at least once a week, and it is not available anymore. And I saw my mother and how much she misses him in a whole new light.

Asking for his opinion or for help causes his anxiety to go through the roof. There is also the factor that whatever answer he might give you to your question was valid most likely 30 years ago. Or it is to an entirely different question. The main problem though is that it brings on the anxiety that is so bad for him. So I do not ask.

The last time I was with my daddy was in December. We were visiting for Christmas and I lost the baby while we were there. I didn't want my parents to come up to the hospital because I knew that would send Daddy right over the top. The next day though, I wanted him. I wanted him to comfort me, to hug me, and to be my daddy. So I requested a snack. Our snack. Peanut butter and Nilla wafers. He fixed me three little sandwiches and brought them back to the bedroom. He sat clumsily on the edge of the bed and put his stiff bony arm around my shoulders and patted. He patted and said, "I love you, Babe."

Parkinson's and Alzheimer's will never touch Daddy's heart.

Labels: Daddy

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Monday, April 23, 2007 at 7:53:00 PM EDT Oh, Sweetie. Now I miss him too. What a lovely post. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen DATE:Monday, April 23, 2007 at 8:33:00 PM EDT I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's great that you are remembering him for who he was and who he still is in his heart, he would want it that way, and for his loved ones to know who he has become is just the illness. Big hugs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nuwanda DATE:Monday, April 23, 2007 at 8:50:00 PM EDT When I think of your daddy, I think of this mischievous smile he would get when he was thinking of something really clever and perhaps a bit smartass. He would display this grin when he chose to keep this comment to himself...you get the exact expression:) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Paper Whore DATE:Monday, April 23, 2007 at 9:33:00 PM EDT Awww, I'm so sorry. We went through a similar situation with my grandmother and it was so hard to see her as she was and not as the strong, Jesus-loving grandma she used to be. Just don't let the bad days dampen your memories of the good days. He's still your Daddy and he still loves you very much! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Monday, April 23, 2007 at 9:42:00 PM EDT Again, you write your emotions so beautifully!!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Tuesday, April 24, 2007 at 9:40:00 AM EDT I feel so sad for you, I am so sorry you all have to go through this. You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

AcadeMama DATE:Tuesday, April 24, 2007 at 3:28:00 PM EDT Watching a loved one deal with Parkinson's (much less Alzheimer's as well) is painful..no, it's tragic. I helped my mother care for my grandmother for many years as her Parkinson's worsened. She also suffered from Bipolar disorder, so she had some of the same mental symptoms as patients with Alzheimer's. I fed her from a spoon, as if she were a baby; I helped change her diapers, watching her watch her own loss of dignity. I'm thankful for my experiences in caring for her though. I feel "prepared" for death in a different way. For the "ugly part" of illness and aging that actually taught me what beautiful gifts life, love, sweat, tears, and caring for other people really are. My daughter learned this too because she was with me and/or my mother daily at the nursing home. She learned the value of taking care of people when they need you. Even the strangers. The old people who were sick and had no family who visited. My daughter would color a picture for them or give them a hug. Your father is so lucky to have a spouse and children who are devoted to making his life as comfortable as possible, and I pray that you're able to find peace with such a difficult process. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lizzy DATE:Tuesday, April 24, 2007 at 9:03:00 PM EDT Oh my goodness...this just made me cry and cry and cry.
What a wonderful post for your Daddy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anth DATE:Sunday, April 29, 2007 at 10:10:00 PM EDT I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Your parents both sound amazing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 7:45:00 AM EDT Such a lovely, poignant tribute to your dad. Thank you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

jess DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 1:57:00 PM EDT Your post was heartbreaking, but also a beautiful tribute to your dad. He sounds like a wonderful person and a fantastic daddy.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You and your family will be on my heart. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lawyer Mama DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 2:40:00 PM EDT I clicked over from OTJ's page. This was such a beautiful post.

I lost my grandfather to Alzheimers long before he died and I can't even imagine watching one of my parents go through this. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 2:48:00 PM EDT That is so beautiful. It made me cry. And miss my daddy too.

Beautiful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Perugini DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 3:31:00 PM EDT Definitely a perfect post. I'm so sorry for your heartache. I miss my Daddy, too.

Know that your Daddy lives forever in your heart, and will always be well and happy there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Miss Janet DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 3:33:00 PM EDT I'm sorry.
I send you hugs and love...

This was a wonderful post! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Seattle Mamacita DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 6:15:00 PM EDT Thanks to OTJ for linking up to this touching post. My grandfather also had alzheimers it is heartbreaking but there are those moments the nila wafers and peanut butter... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

tulipmom DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 7:50:00 PM EDT I'm glad I followed OTJ's link to your touching tribute to your father. He's lucky to have you.

I helped my mother care for my grandmother in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. It's hard for me to imagine how difficult that time must have been for my mother. I know it was heartbreaking and very emotional for me.

I'm glad I stopped by. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MM DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 11:10:00 PM EDT Very sweet. I love my daddy the same way. I wish I could save your tears in a special vial where blooms of joy will some day last longer-- because you know how much longer they should. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 11:17:00 PM EDT I came here from OTJ and I'm glad I did; thanks for sharing this beautiful post with all of us in cyberland. I can't imagine what you're going through with your dad. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers your way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mimi aka pz5wjj DATE:Wednesday, May 2, 2007 at 8:58:00 AM EDT So touching!

My Daddy's pretty special too and I can't imagine what you're going through. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ruth Dynamite DATE:Wednesday, May 2, 2007 at 10:41:00 PM EDT Poignant and beautiful. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Shame on 60 Minutes. Shame on Scott Pelley. DATE: 3/18/2007 09:56:00 PM ----- BODY:

I am not typically a very political person. I was very opinionated and outspoken in high school, and then I figured out that the older I got, the more my views evolved. Having done 180's on numerous issues, I decided to just start keeping my opinions to myself, lest I end up sounding like an idiot every time I change my mind.

Opinions should evolve I think. Your life experiences and the people you meet over time should effect the way you view the world. After my miscarriage, I had a really hard time reading anything about abortion and considered the possibility that it may in fact be wrong. My women's rights and ProChoice mindset were on shaky ground. I have come back down solidly on the side of choice, with the firm understanding that my choice would never be to abort. If I hadn't decided that by the time I read kgirl's post, she would have convinced me.

That was a complete tangent. Almost. This post though, is about some of my opinions. Some of my firm opinions and how angry I got at one little story on 60 Minutes tonight.

I am what my father calls a bleeding heart liberal. I hate war. I hate that our country is at war. I hate George Bush for pushing so hard and so blindly for war.

I hate it because people die. Violence does not beget peace.

My father was a soldier. He was a Captain in the Army during Vietnam. I asked him one day to tell me about the war. I had just read In Country and wanted to hear his stories. He didn't want to talk. I pressed. He blew up. He yelled at me that I didn't really want to hear it.

"Do you really want to hear about how your old man flew around in helicopters and shot into the jungle, into towns, and killed whatever people were there? Do you? Do you want to hear how I probably shot women and children too?" he screamed.

My answer was "yes," but I said "no." He obviously didn't want me to know, and he didn't want to talk about it. But there were people trying to kill him. His job was to stay alive.

Tonight on 60 Minutes, Scott Pelley interviewed Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich. This is one of the Marines who has been charged with murder in the death of Iraqi civilians, including women and children, in Haditha. I am not going to recount the whole story here, but you can read it on the CBS website. You will have to watch the video to get the over the top I'm-so-ashamed-of-you wrinkled forehead that Pelley liked to display. His skills in this interview were akin to Meredith Viera or any other pseudo journalist that people use as background noise in the morning.

What made me so angry was that CBS touted this interview as the first time a Marine was going to speak about Haditha, like they were going to let him tell his story in a for real news interview. What happened though, was Pelley attempted to lead him through questions that pointed fingers, placed blame, and were more designed to shame this man as he tried to explain what no civilian understands. War.

Our country is going to try 4 Marines for murder. Murders that were committed in a war. After they were attacked. I am not even kidding.

Yes, the wrong people got killed that day. One of the wrong people killed was a Marine from that troop. The others were innocent Iraqi civilians. One of those was a 2 year old child. It was a tragedy. It was awful.

For God's sake, it's war. War is a tragedy. War is awful.

Pelley actually tried to get Wuterich to apologize as if he were one of the predators on Dateline's computer pervert set ups.

I think Pelley needs an assignment on the front lines of Iraq.

Every life taken in this war is someone's family member. Every man is someone's son. Every woman is someone's daughter. Most of them are innocent.

When you choose war as the answer for your problems, you have chosen the deaths of innocent people. To then punish the soldiers you employ to carry out your war is despicable. They don't have time to make decisions that are always the most humane. The only soldiers who benefit from 20/20 hindsight are the ones who are still alive.

I despise our government tonight. I despise Scott Pelley. I despise 60 Minutes and CBS.

God bless the people of America and Staff Sgt. Wuterich. He is a man that had shit decisions to make. He is a man whose job sucked. He is a man who believes in this country so much that he chose to go and fight for it.

That is certainly more than I would ever be willing to do. I'm guessing it's a hell of a lot more than Scott Pelley would ever do.

Labels: Daddy, General Bitching, Random Thoughts

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mom Ma'am Me DATE:Monday, March 19, 2007 at 1:57:00 PM EDT That is sickening. I hope there's a huge backlash against 60 Minutes for that interview. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Measuring pain DATE: 2/26/2007 10:10:00 PM ----- BODY:

Today has been an odd cyberspace day. Someone I really liked bowed out of a BabyCenter board that I was dipping my toe back into. I took a chance and emailed, and I'm glad I did. She and I have such similar timelines with a first pregnancy and then miscarriage. I just felt like I knew what she was thinking before she spoke. Do you know?

So I send her the link to Amy's blog. Because you know it helps to read. It helps to know you are not alone.

When I pulled up Amy's blog, I found this entry. Then I followed it to this entry that refers to this entry. Which then totally screwed up my Bloglines love for the day. Anyway, it turns out that two of my favorite bloggers have been having a little dialogue about something that I have been thinking about without even realizing it.

To totally trivialize it: Is my pain greater than your pain, and if so, does that mean I win?

Where the miscarriage is concerned, I have been on both sides of this self-destructive game. I didn't miscarry until 12 weeks, so I have had the passing thought that I was more attached to my baby than women who miscarried at5 weeks. Then again, one of my dearest friends' first child was stillborn on the day he was due, so she should be more sad than me. These thoughts are completely disruptive and I found myself realizing that we are all women who are facing enormous amounts of grief. Enormous. All of us.

What is this, measuring grief against each other?

I hurt. I hurt like hell. Every damn day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to go through the details without breaking down. I wonder if I'm going to make it through a shower. Am I going to put on real clothes? What about makeup? It hurts to even go through the motions.

And am I going to measure that against someone else's grief?

Not anymore.

I did though. I did measure my grief. But not only where my miscarriage was concerned. Everytime I heard about another lost child, I cried. It didn't matter to me how far along the woman was, or if they had kids already, I bawled. Because I knew how I felt, and I didn't want anyone else to ever feel that kind of pain.

Plus, and I hope it is okay to say this finally, my Sil, my sweet wonderful Sil, lost her baby right before mine. We were to be due right about the same time. The only difference is that she has four children already. Does that mean that I miss this little niece or nephew any less? Not on your life. I cry for the little one that I will never meet. I cry for the pregnancies that we won't share together. I cry for the cousins that won't grow up at the same time. No kids. Four kids. We hurt the same. Sil and I.

I am more guilty about measuring pain where my parents are concerned.

I have a friend who is in her early 50's. Her parents are old and sick. Her father is in his late 80's or early 90's and has Alzheimer's. She will frequently lament over his health and how awful the disease is. She is dramatic. I complain about her.

My friend. I complain. Because I am in my mid 30's and my father has Alzheimer's. Doesn't she realize how unfair that is? Doesn't she realize that she has had so much more time with her father than I have? Doesn't she realize that she doesn't have the right to tell me how sad she is?

Whoa.

That is just wrong.

And I have thought it over and over.

She has every right to miss her daddy just as much as I miss mine. I am a selfish bitch for ever thinking otherwise.

The thing is this: PAIN IS PAIN. We all feel pain. Every reason that we feel it is unique. We feel what we feel due to our own life's circumstances. Start comparing them to other people and you just end up kicking yourself.

Bless Amy's heart. She typed out what I have thought in my head. And bless KD's heart, she also typed what I have thought in my head. I love them both. I have cried for them both.

We all hurt.

Isn't that why most of you are reading?

It is certainly why I'm still writing. The pain doesn't go away. It just works itself into my life as I find ways to adjust to it.

It's funny. I sometimes wonder when the pain will drive you all away. Today, I realize that it is the pain that draws most of us together.

We all hurt.

It feels better to hurt together though. For whatever reasons that we hurt. Whatever reasons.

Labels: Daddy, Grief

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 9:33:00 AM EST Tears. Falling down my face. It's been an eye-opening couple of days. Thank you for validating my feelings. I, like you, now have a new perspective. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Holly DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:22:00 AM EST You are an amazing lady...you have helped one of my best friends find hope. Amy, yes your friend Amy, is my SIL. Like you, my heart broke the morning she told me the news of the miscarriage. I've never been able to explain my feelings to her because I never wanted to hurt her more. She's so strong and has been amazing during these last 3 months, but always in pain. I know the pain you guys feel will never go away, but I always hope & now think she feels the same, that you will be happy one day.
Thank you for your excellent entry - pain is pain! No matter what they say, if you hurt, you hurt and how dare they judge you for it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:33:00 AM EST Very well said. We all hurt, and hurt for each other. I think the majority of my depression, was the fact that I was depressed. I kept asking myself, "how long is too long?" I wasn't sure how long I was ALLOWED to grieve. And, I held it in for a period of time, until it erupted.
Amy, you are lucky to have a compassionate SIL. I, unfortunately, do not. I was due three weeks after my SIL. She constantly rubbed it in my face that she was able to carry her baby to term, while I didn't. I refuse to speak to her now due to the harsh comments she said. Yes, she wasn't thinking. But, there is such a thing as empathy. And... she had had a miscarriage! Ugh...sorry to get on my soapbox. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM EST I have different feelings, could be the hormones that are raging through my body. All I can say these days is I am here for my beige box friends... with lotsa love and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sarah DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 11:20:00 AM EST This is a wonderful post. So good. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 12:08:00 PM EST It's strange how universal some emotions are and yet how unique and isolated we feel when we are having them. Why is that? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 1:43:00 PM EST This is a wonderful post. Makes me feel less guilty for my pain. My pain of secondary infertility when so many people I love both IRL and online have the pain of loss and some of no children yet. I only know that my heart feels pain so deeply I can't even describe it and knowing I'm not alone even though its so different than someone else's, in some ways it's just the same. It's women feeling pain for eachother and for ourselves when life hands us big fat sour lemons. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 12:16:00 AM EST OK, I had to comment again. I just went back and read those three posts you were referring to in yours.

And I don't feel so guilty anymore. But I kind of feel a little less deserving of support, I'm not sure why. I do know that when I published my last post on my blog, I remember thinking specifically of you and hoping that you wouldn't read it because you would probably think I was ungrateful of my blessings, coming from where you have been. I don't know. I hate that we compare and decide who's deserving of our support. All I know is that we all need it. Less or more, we need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anth DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 1:22:00 AM EST Oh I do this same thing, and it's so retarded, isn't it. People hurt. Why do I try to to compare? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 6:52:00 AM EST I just had this conversation last week about how we measure pain. They offered me some thoughts - God gives us exactly how much pain He knows we can handle. Some people can't handle as much as others, some have enough grace & strength to handle more. But it doesn't change how much it hurts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Paper Whore DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 7:13:00 AM EST Thank you for the beautiful post! I think we all have those those comparative thoughts, but the fact that you recognize how disabling those thoughts can be is what makes you "good people". ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 8:46:00 AM EST Big fat group hug.

And to Jen, who I wish could be in the center of the group hug:

Oh - no no no, I'm so sorry. You deserve just as much support as anyone. You are brave enough to expose yourself through your writing, and share your pain. I don't think it is so much why we hurt, but simply that we do - that is what people should respond to.

Hopefully everyone of us has some bright spots in our lives. I hope you have many, and if you do, then they will be good things to focus on when you need a little extra support.

The blessings in your life are one of the many places I find hope. ----- --------