AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Drano DATE: 6/11/2010 03:09:00 PM ----- BODY:

I've lost it. I've lost my blogging mojo. There's too much Facebook. Too much just sitting and absorbing and not enough interacting. I'm thinking that regardless of the Zoloft, there is still an underlying problem. I'm thinking that the Zoloft helps me deal with day to day life and keep it together, but that there is still a sadness there that I'm not dealing with. And that it's drawing me inward.

Or, I'm just lazy and don't want to write lately.

Either way, I'm here now. And grumpy. Aren't you glad you stopped by? Seriously though. The construction on our house is still going on, and for whatever reason, people seem to suck.

If you underbid on a construction project, take four times longer than you quote, act like an asshole while I'm in LABOR, and then still don't finish the job? Most people won't pay you. Not my husband. He goes ahead and chalks it up as a loss and pays you what was promised because he feels sorry for you and also wants you gone. Then you bitch about how much time you spent on the job and how little money an hour that works out to, and you threaten to kill him and do some other ridiculously stupid things that we won't talk about here. Yet. Because we're not finished with them.

Seriously. The guy is four times slower and doesn't finish and we're supposed to pay him more? Right.

Then, today, D the drunken painter, who I have previously thought was awesome, proceeded to piss me off beyond belief. He asks for a third of his pay, which I happily provide him in the form of a check. Mind you, I had asked him yesterday if a check was still alright with him. He's worked for us twice before, and I've always written checks. So I give him a check and the bitching begins.

Our USAA account apparently is a problem for him. Translation, he doesn't have a bank account and needed to go to our bank (which doesn't have physical branch) in order to cash the check. I cannot tell you how much of my problem this is NOT.

Without the gory details, he was not pleased with the mere $300 the ATM would give me at one time and proceeded to bitch to me about us not having a local bank account. So I pointed out that he must not even have ANY bank account, and that pissed him off.

Seriously. I'm supposed to drive around town going to ATM's, collecting cash for Mr. Pisspants the drunken painter because he's not responsible enough to keep a checking account of his own?

What the hell is wrong with people? Are we not in a recession? Why is it we can't find decent, honest, sane, and hard working people to work for us when so many people are out of work?

Yeah. Maybe this is why my mojo seems to be gone. The whole house thing is not going well, and I haven't wanted to write about it in a public way. Because there is some seriously bad stuff that's gone down. Like changing locks and watching my rearview mirror bad. But you know what? I'm tired of hiding out and not talking. I'm tired of being scared. I'm sick of it all. I want my house done. I want my life back. I want my husband to quit having all of this work hanging over his head.

I'M SO DONE.

One thing I've learned from experience in blogging and having crazy people read it. How to get a restraining order. Kidding. No, actually, I'm not.

So I'll be back to talking about whatever the hell I want to talk about and fuck the crazies. They will do whatever they want to anyway, so I'm done tiptoeing around them.

And yes, I'm aware that not much of this made any sense, but it felt good, and I'm hoping that it's going to unclog whatever has been keeping me from writing.

Labels: Feelers, General Bitching, Renovations, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Friday, June 11, 2010 at 5:00:00 PM EDT That would totally annoy me too. If he doesn't have a bank account, send him to a check cashing place. His problem, not yours. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

grandma sandy DATE:Friday, June 11, 2010 at 6:44:00 PM EDT I'm so glad you're back! But sorry there's been so much suckitude. On top of it all, becoming a mother to two when the oldest is only two is a huge adjustment.
I hope the house stuff gets worked out soon. We've only been living for a little over two months with our house turned upside down and it's about to put me over the edge. I don't know how you've managed it for so long.
I'm also glad you pissed off the drunk painter. He deserved it. ;-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amo DATE:Friday, June 11, 2010 at 9:16:00 PM EDT Sounds like you needed to do a little venting!! Good for you! I'm sorry you have had such a rough time. I would love to have the money to fix up our house. It is in desperate need of some fixing up! Maybe someday...You take care of yourself and try to practice some breathing techniques. Or meditation. Or just screaming! Whatever works for you and makes you feel better! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mem DATE:Friday, June 11, 2010 at 9:39:00 PM EDT ok on monday i have two appts. on tuesday TUESDAY we are going to hang out- and you can be cranky or messy or whatever and i will be too. i'm sorry we couldn't play today- either way i love you! and it will get easier- this too shall pass. say the serenity prayer A LOT. big hugs and big punches in the face to the schlubs you are dealing with. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Saturday, June 12, 2010 at 7:42:00 PM EDT You have every right to vent. If someone doesn't have a bank account, he probably doesn't have internet access either. But my point is, you must cut yourself some slack. Right now. You are a mother of two small children who also happens to be living in construction disarray. Never underestimate how much that can sap the energy and mood. And people do suck so when you have to deal with several suckers at one time - no amount of Zoloft will make them nicer and get the job done faster. And we need a playdate. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 10:52:00 AM EDT Good dump! And you are so right - can't argue with crazy! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Lonely real life DATE: 4/28/2010 02:29:00 PM ----- BODY:

I didn't expect to make friends on the internet. Certainly not ones that I would travel to visit or that would take a weekend to come see me. I didn't expect to make friends that I would miss or that I would long to live closer to so that we could hang together in the flesh.

But I have.

Lately, and maybe it's the hormones to some extent, a lot of my in the flesh people have been letting me down. Granted, I've been told I hold people to unfair high expectations, but I can honestly say that the Zoloft has been helping that. Still, I just can't count on some of the friends I once could count on and that hurts.

But, in my new found quest not to be crazy these past months, I've found a way to still love my friends for who they are and not necessarily what they are to me at the current moment. It's hard, but I think it will be good in the long run.

Today though, I'm missing people that I only get to interact with online. All my mamas on the board especially - I wish that we could have a playdate, get some coffee, go shopping, or just take a walk. Liz L., who I wish I could learn to be a doula with - I think we would make a great team. Patricia, who I recently reconnected with on Facebook and just got to see for a moment in April. All these people make my life richer, and a little lonely at times too, because they are far away.

It's just one of those lonely days. Especially when compared with Monday. Pardon my pity party. It will be over soon, I promise. How can it not be when this is what I get to see everyday:

Happy babies make great SSRI's.

Labels: General Bitching, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 2:57:00 PM EDT Oh, how I can relate. I really wish we lived closer. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 3:30:00 PM EDT I wish all the time that we could hang out in person. I think if we lived closer to each other, we'd be joined at the hip.

I'm sorry you're being disappointed over and over again. It's not fair. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becky DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 4:02:00 PM EDT I get it, I totally get it!! I'd love more than anything for me and my kiddos to come hang out with you and your crew. Maybe someday, maybe someday!!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Patricia DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 5:37:00 PM EDT Oh Marty! You are so kind to say such a thing -- I've missed you so very much. And I was afraid I was one of those who had let you down. I could almost see the thread spinning out and snapping apart across the reception hall. I very much wish you and I had had longer to talk. I said that to Fran, who told me -- in her wise way -- that it was my father's day.

I understand, so much, about being lonely. I do. I am wistful by nature anyway, and the Internet makes it hard sometimes to feel anchored to the world. But you are a fine writer, and I find myself connected to you, even at a remove, because what you write is exact, is in the moment. I want to write like you do when I grow up.

There. Your novel for the day. Or something. Oh -- and the character-verification word required for this posting had "sing" in it. More than appropriate!

Thank you again, many times. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 8:05:00 PM EDT So glad you're coming over tomorrow (and Friday) -- thanks for calling! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mem DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 8:47:00 PM EDT im here, in the flesh....if you are interested ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 10:09:00 PM EDT Oh I know. I really worry about the state of my sanity when I have sent all my kids off to school. Who knows how many years the majority of my conversations, daily interactions, and general socializing will revolve around someone under 4 feet tall?!?

It's gotten so bad, I can't even keep up during the few times I do get to interact with grown-ups. I tend to feel myself being pulled toward the company of the kids in the room.

We should definitely hang-out more... Then at least more days could be like Monday!

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Sunday, May 2, 2010 at 8:07:00 AM EDT I completely disconnected from the internet and most of it's relationships, I hope you've not felt the crunch of that. I just can't "do it" anymore and I think you know what I mean.

But I also understand how you feel. Hugs. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: None of us is the only one DATE: 12/30/2009 10:16:00 PM ----- BODY:

Why is that during the times I have the most to say, I find it hardest to say anything at all?

Two weeks ago, I had the most productive appointment with a health care professional that I've ever had in my life. I left it feeling defeated and broken. I thought I had received terrible news that would pigeon hole me and leave me with an unshakable stigma.

It only took four days after that for me to realize that I didn't care about the pigeon hole or the stigma. I felt so much better in just four days that I couldn't believe I ever cared about any of that.

I have clinical depression, but I don't look like those commercials you see on TV. I don't sit around in my pajamas and ignore all of the people around me. Mine manifests itself in anger, anxiety, and irrational reactions to stuff that should roll off my back.

When Sarah suggested that I start Zoloft, she might as well have said to me, "You are a complete failure, and you aren't capable of managing your life." I didn't want to hear that my issues weren't something that I could fix myself. Of course, that was some seriously small minded thinking. Because I am fixing them myself. Starting with an itty bity dose of Zoloft every night.

Four days. That's all it took for me to pull out of the black place I was in, look around, and realize that I should have done this so so so much sooner. It's not going to completely fix me, but it's helping me become a better mother and wife and person by allowing me to stand firmly on both feet. It's given me some stability.

It's taken me two weeks to write about this because I wasn't sure that I wanted it out there for everyone in the world to see. However, when I was feeling at my lowest after that appointment, I only knew one person to call for advice. Lucky for me, she answered the phone and talked to me as long as I needed to.

Since then, though, I've found out that I'm really not alone in this. More friends have stepped up with, "Me too." None of us is the only one.

So I'm out, and I'm saying that this is one of the better decisions in my life. A tiny little pill. A whole lot of clear headedness.

I'm on my way to being the wife and mother I should have been all along. It's a great feeling.

Labels: Feelers, My Life, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Wednesday, December 30, 2009 at 11:26:00 PM EST Good. For. You!!
I hope you are so proud of yourself. You took a HUGE first step.

There are many of us standing with you. Know that you are NEVER, EVER, alone!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mamma DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 1:25:00 AM EST I hope you know you can always call me. Always.

and...

me too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

No Minimom DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 8:28:00 AM EST Me, too: "Mine manifests itself in anger, anxiety, and irrational reactions to stuff that should roll off my back."

Thanks to my good friend Lexapro, I feel downright NORMAL! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beautifully Unique DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 10:02:00 AM EST Me too! And remember, I was one of those that thought people should just "suck it up and get over it." When I finally reached out to seek help, that little pill gave me my life back. Love ya lady!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 10:35:00 AM EST So glad you're feeling better! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

the sandwich life DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 10:52:00 AM EST Congrats..... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 11:42:00 AM EST Nope, you're definitely not the only one.

*Raises hand*

Me too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Megan DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 1:27:00 PM EST I've been reading your blog for awhile, but don't think I've ever commented. Just wanted to say good for you!!!! And I'm very glad you're feeling better. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amo DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 2:57:00 PM EST I'm so glad you found something that works and it is nothing to be ashamed about! Nothing! Whatever will help you enjoy life, do it! You only get this one chance as the person you are right now. Make it the best! Keep your head up and I'm glad you are feeling better! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 3:29:00 PM EST You are very wise. You are a wonderful mother and a talented, sweet woman. I learned the hard way: Better living through chemistry!

Love you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bren DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 6:15:00 PM EST So glad to hear you are on your way to feeling better. Good for you on doing what you need to do. As a mom, the best thing we can do for our kids is take care of ourselves. (Did I just sound cliche? It's the honest truth, through and through.)

Best to you in the new year and can't wait to hear about the arrival of your new little one. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 8:17:00 PM EST Oh Marty! I never knew how bad it was before I started the Zoloft and when I did, I did start to feel so much better. I too felt like I was giving up and giving in by accepting the presc. but at the same time, I knew I had to do something to help. Good for you for doing something for yourself and your family.

And absolutely not - you are not alone. Ever. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Friday, January 1, 2010 at 9:17:00 AM EST I am so proud of you! And I'm so glad Amie was there for you that day. So, so glad.

Happy New Year indeed! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Friday, January 1, 2010 at 11:34:00 AM EST I'm proud of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 12:59:00 PM EST Me too!

I'm glad you're feeling better. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 10:39:00 AM EST Awesome. I swear that if I didn't finally go to the doc and tell him what was wrong, I'd be dead by now. I love me some Lexipro! (zoloft doesn't work for me)

So glad that the dark is lifting, it's a great feeling. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 4:52:00 PM EST Me too. I think I'm on vitamin Z for life. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Issas Crazy World DATE:Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 10:32:00 PM EST Me too. It was one of the hardest office visits of my life. It's been two and a half years now. I will always be thankful that I made the choice to speak up that day. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Unfiltered DATE: 12/05/2009 10:39:00 PM ----- BODY:

The birth center called. My thyroid test came back normal. I'm thinking I'm supposed to be glad about that, and I am in regards to no drugs and baby is okay. However, the flip side to that is that if everything is normal, then I'm just a little bit crazy. Awesome.

I suppose if my dear family can hang with me until about June of next year, I'll be leveling out again by then. I'm pretty sure Kevin can hang that long. Poor Papa may not make it though. He is so lucky that I'm comfortable enough around him that I don't feel like I have to fake things. Yes, that was sarcasm.

If I could just get a filter, things would be better. Things that actually are annoying, I tend to just call as they are instead of filtering a socially acceptable response. As in, the neighbor who was talking to another neighbor and her two dogs IN my driveway AT naptime. True, it was annoying to have them choose my driveway to stand in with the dogs, thereby driving my dogs insane and waking up Little Bird. However, I wish I could have thought of something to say other than, "Hey, y'all. I'm trying to get my child to sleep and you are driving my dogs insane. Could you please move?" Something nicer. I can only think of meaner things, not nicer ones.

I'm harsh. I know it. No filters. It makes for the crazy to come across even crazier. Awesome.

Labels: Family, Feelers, General Bitching, Neighbors, Things I Should Keep to Myself, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 4:54:00 PM EST Still love you ;) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Twitchy DATE: 12/03/2009 05:17:00 PM ----- BODY:

It's been awhile since I've had a really soul bearing session here. I have to admit, ever since I linked up to Facebook and also found out that not everyone in the blogosphere who claims to be your friend, isn't after all? I haven't been so free to just let it all out here. It's still my space though, and some days, I need to use it like I need to use it. Now is one of those times.

In short, I gots me some issues.

Pregnancy exacerbates the problems. I've thought many times that it's a good thing this is our last baby. I don't think I could do this again.

I have highs and lows that are driving me and poor Kevin crazy. Anxiety and panic attacks. I'm exhausted, but I can't sit still.

The biggest problem is that it comes and goes. I'll have a great week and then an awful week. So just when I convince myself to do something about it, I get better again and forget about it.

Then, I crash.

Lucky for me, I crashed today when I had a midwife appointment. After giving Kevin all sorts of hell before I left the house, I show up for my appointment and have to wait 45 minutes with a toddler at his lunchtime. There was no way for me to hide how upset I was, but instead of just being angry about waiting, something prodded me to just tell her about the crashing. Explain that I was angry at everything, even puppies and sunshine.

When she asked me if I had anything I needed help with today, I believe my exact words were, "Yes. My legs and ankles are really swollen, and I seem to be a bitch, but I don't want to be."

She didn't blow me off or offer me someone to talk to or a pill to take. I liked that. She did mention that it sounded like a thyroid issue and we could do some blood work to check. I liked that too. It felt proactive.

For now, I'm continuing feeding my ridiculous chocolate obsession and have just finished some hot tea with the Rescue Remedy I had stowed away for former foster dogs. I do feel better.

Still twitchy though. And still crying for no reason. And okay, I'm still kind of pissed off at the world when the world hasn't really done anything to me. Most of it anyway. There are a few places where I could be justifiably irritated, but right now I'm too tired to think about it.

Maybe I can sleep straight through until the next high. That would be nice.

Labels: Stupid Me, Things I Should Keep to Myself, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mem DATE:Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:39:00 PM EST you are not alone my love- hugs- kevin and walt could probably bond over pregnant wives talk! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lawyer Mama DATE:Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:56:00 PM EST Marty, babe. I was like that with my first pregnancy. It was a freaking nightmare. That's actually how I figured out I was pregnant. I was asking my doctor for a referral to a mental health specialist because I was losing my shit and she made me get a blood test.
Luckily, my pregnancies with H&H weren't like that. At least not as bad. But I hear ya. It's awful and scary. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:24:00 AM EST Oh Marty, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a rough spot. I totally hear ya though and I don't have the excuse of a pregnancy. If there's anything I can do to help the twitchy (meet-up, babysit, go out to dinner, etc), let me know. I'd love to help in any way you need.

Take care and be sure to get plenty of rest.

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Renee Graves DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:27:00 AM EST Oh My God - you are describing both of my pregnancies. I was not a happy, glowing, pretty pregnant. I love, love, love my kids, but if anyone ever suggested I get pregnant again, I would probably kill them.

Hang in there... it will soon be a distant memory. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 9:20:00 AM EST Stupid hormones. Gestating is hard work and you deserve all the chocolate you want. And maybe some cookies. And lots of hugs. Is there anything I can help you with? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 9:43:00 AM EST That sucks!

Hang in there, and keep talking when you need to! Wish I had something better to offer than a listening ear, but there's always that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 10:56:00 AM EST Pregnancy is hard on a person. Especially if you already have a kid running around. I'm sorry. I'm glad that your midwife responded in a good way. Hang in there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

nikki DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:42:00 PM EST I really love the midwives. Even when they're running late. I remember venting and crying to them AFTER I gave birth over how awful a time I was having postpartum. Those pep talks really made a difference, and so did their earnest attempts to help me get to the bottom of/solve issues.

Marty, please go easy on yourself and eat all the chocolate you need! Pregnancy is SUPPOSED to be a roller coaster, at least some of the time, and you should not feel bad about it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Melissa DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 1:02:00 PM EST Ugh to pregnancy hormones! Sorry you're in a rough spot but it's coming to an end soon!

I think another GNO might be in order! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 1:25:00 PM EST Hang in there buttercup. Love on ya babe! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Saturday, December 5, 2009 at 8:12:00 PM EST We still love you over here, even if you do hate our sunshine ;) Plus, I've got all those cold Diet Cokes in the fridge -- just to add a little variety to your chocolate patterns. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: You can hang it on your wall DATE: 11/25/2009 11:48:00 AM ----- BODY:

There was an interesting article in the paper this morning. Recently, a banker here in Raleigh was convicted in a ponzi scheme. He and his family have disappeared, and last week, all of his belongings were auctioned off to recoup some of the money he stole.

A Mercedes convertible went for around $107,000, and a diamond wedding ring was sold for around $170,000. There were several "big name" handbags that sold for a couple thousand each, and some designer shoes that seemed to have been in my size. Oh, darn.

The article in the paper this morning focused in on the "artwork" that was sold though. To be specific, the Thomas Kinkade "paintings" auctioned off to the highest sucker. I mean bidder.

One of the paintings was sold for $15,500. Wise, the rogue businessman, paid $85,000 for it originally. Apparently, it was so expensive because Kinkade himself painted it. Which is such an absurd thing to say in the first place. It's hard to even make a joke about it because it's so stupid. A painting is worth more because the painter actually painted it. That's hilarious.

The woman in charge of fine art at the auction house had this to say,

"Thomas Kinkade paints pictures that are very pleasing and are accessible to a large number of people. He's painting decorative pictures; you can hang them on your wall."

Again, it's hard to turn that into a joke. It's so funny on it's own. "You can hang them on your wall." That's one of the benefits of a Thomas Kinkade painting. How can you not snicker at that?

The article also goes on to say that Kinkade "offers a touchstone for art buyers who want security." I'm kind of wondering though, in an auction where people were willing to pay $2500 for a used Louis Vuitton handbag, where is the security in an $85,000 painting selling for $15,500?

It doesn't really matter. The paintings are complete crap, and Thomas Kinkade is a crook. His company sold paintings to gallery owners who were required to sell them for a minimum retail price while the company, and even Kinkade himself, undercut those prices on cable TV. The gallery owners sued and won.

My father-in-law likes to buy original artwork. It is one of his endearing qualities. He also likes for it to be from local artists. He's a cool Papa. His tastes vary from mine, and that is alright. Sitting in my living room one day, he looks up at "Bird Tropolis", by Anna Podris, and says, "Well, that's pretty, and I know you like it, but I like scenes. You know, paintings of scenes." I told him that technically, it was a scene, a cityscape, if you will, but he wasn't buying it. That's totally fine. There's a wide span between people with different tastes and those with no taste.

Of course, I think if Thomas Kinkade makes you happy, and you don't know any better, then by all means, hang him or someone who paints what he tells them to paint on your wall. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. What grabbed me about this story is that this banker was obviously attempting to "invest" in art by purchasing Thomas Kinkade paintings. Which is ridiculous.

I admit, one of the reasons I saved my pennies to buy Anna's work is because a gallery owner who knew that I already liked it told me that she was the Raleigh artist with the greatest potential for investment. I liked that little bit of information. Granted, if you tried to take one of my paintings from me now, I would never sell them for any amount. I love them, which is the real reason to buy original artwork.

We also have a Jason Craighead and a Bob Rankin. Kevin and I both loved the Craighead at the exact moment we saw it, and quite frankly, the Rankin just went nicely in our guest bathroom. There is also one of Keith Norval's owls upstairs by Lovely's room. Some other artists grace our walls, but from out of state.

I can't tell you if anything we've purchased will go up in value monetarily or not. What I can tell you is this:

I know who painted it.
I like who painted it.
The money we paid for it stayed in our community.
The money we paid for it went to support a real artist.
We like the work.
We intend on teaching our children that artists, like musicians, deserve to be paid well for good original work.

All of which is in direct contrast to the painter of light. Who makes me shudder.

Labels: Handmade, Random Thoughts, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 7:28:00 AM EST Amazing post. This is one that I wish would stay up top a little longer.

For those of us that aren't immersed in the art world, where do you suggest we start meeting these artists and buying their art? Would love to hear your thoughts. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Etiquette questions DATE: 11/12/2009 05:43:00 PM ----- BODY:

I have etiquette questions. Not necessarily Emily Post questions, since I don't think she covered Twitter or what's the best way to tell someone to shut up. But questions nonetheless. Feel free to leave me all the assvice you can muster in the comments.

Is it rude to simply copy someone's Tweet and not retweet it properly? Like word for word?
Is it rude to DM someone on Twitter if you don't follow them? So you can't DM them back?
Is there a way to politely let someone know they are constantly spamming you with Facebook and Twitter DM's? I'm assuming I can't start off with, "Hey, stupid."
Non computer related, what do you do when someone constantly pummels your toddler with questions that he can't answer? Over and over and over? Like, "What did you do today? Huh? Huh? What did you do? Did you go to school? Did you play? Huh? Huh? What did you do today?" Not that said toddler would have had time to answer even if he could, but do you step in and answer for him?
On the dairy aisle, where you can't pass other people, what do you do when some dude is coming at you full on with his cart and doesn't cross over when he has the chance? Do you back up and let him through? Stare him down?
What do you say to the person who keeps referring to all the colds your child has had, even though he hasn't had colds, he's just been teething? And you've told him this numerous times?
Is it rude to tell the old man from up the street that if he is going to wander through the construction in your home, that you prefer him to knock first? Since sometimes you like to walk through the completely exposed kitchen in your freaking underwear?

You see, my hormones are out of control and I'm a little sensitive lately. So go ahead, coach me.

Labels: General Bitching, Random Thoughts, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mem DATE:Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 9:08:00 PM EST you sound like me when you are pregnant- if you want real answers i'm happy to oblige... however usually chocolate chips straight from the bag, hot tea, and walt telling me how fabulous i am (after i tell him exactly what to say) usually helps. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Red DATE:Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 9:33:00 PM EST hehe, I also have trouble with people asking Champ questions he can't answer. I still don't know what to do when that happens. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 10:14:00 PM EST Questions 1-3 I can't help with because I don't tweet and don't know what DM means (I'm so old-school).

4. You could try jumping in and say, "Bird, do you have any idea what this person is asking you?" Okay, maybe rude, but could be funny.

5. Totally stare him down. Especially when you're pregnant and pushing the toddler.

6. Ask the person if he/she has been vaccinated for SARS.

7. No. Although I wouldn't tell him about the underwear because he might actually be into that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Friday, November 13, 2009 at 12:10:00 AM EST 1. Yes. It should give the author credit.
2. I think so esp when it's crap about the $423.64 they made today.
3. You might ask them if there having any virus problems b/c... Unless it's me then you should just suck it up. ;)
4. Just nod.
5. Act distracted by your toddler, purse, or phone and stand your ground. Don't make eye contact. Of course, I tend to be passive-aggressive so you might not want to listen to me.
6. Give them a huge exaggerated sigh and then cough right in their face. That'd be awesome.
7. Next time he's there, send Kevin in wearing only underwear. That should do it.

Hope that helps.

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen DATE:Friday, November 13, 2009 at 8:29:00 AM EST Please get out of my head! Apparently we're hormonal at the same time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ellivia DATE:Friday, November 13, 2009 at 3:19:00 PM EST I'm not sure about the Twitter stuff...I am not much of a user myself!

if someone asks my kid questions he can't anser, I start talking for the child. the person should get the hint

i would look dude in the face and smile. when/if he does not move, ask him if his mother forgot to teach him manners, especially since he has no care int he world for a pregnant woman. jerk.

Tell them its swine flu and they better get a vaccine, quick

i would tell him that there are rabid raccons living int he rafters and you dont want him to get hurt. if that fails, tell him it's your property. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Issas Crazy World DATE:Friday, November 13, 2009 at 3:44:00 PM EST Okay, so I have been reading here for months and feel weird that this is my first comment. Or maybe it's my second. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me answering. I'm working on commenting more. :)

1. I think on this one no. Only because when you add the RT and then the persons name, you run out of room sometimes. So on occasion, I will remove a word or two at the end.
2. Personally, I think yes. I have someone who does that to me. If I @ her, she DM's me her response. I always wonder why she can't just @ me back. Then again, I do have her email if I truly want to say something back to her. It is weird though.
3. I'd unfollow. But I'm kind of like that. Ha.
4. I take my kid and walk away. There is a woman in my daughter's school who does this to my son. Then again, she still does it 2 months later.
5. Trip him?
6. Tell him he's got the plague and he'd better watch out, because it's coming his way? Hmm, I am maybe too snarky to answer these questions.
7. Nope. I think that on this one, just tell him that he needs to knock. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Jackson. It is what it is. DATE: 11/08/2009 09:41:00 AM ----- BODY:

I finally got a chance to read The Help this week. Kathryn is my big brother's age. They went to school together from kindergarten until the 12th grade. So many of us in Jackson did. First Presbyterian Day School followed by Prep. I swear, Jackson, Mississippi could put out it's own version of the game Life.

The book was great, I thought. What struck me the most though, was the very end, where Kathryn talks about why she wrote the book. She talked about the woman who helped raise her - her family's own help.

It makes sense. I don't know anyone who didn't have a maid growing up, or at least not that I can remember. And when First Presbyterian Day School arranged for the kids who lived out further in the new part of town to ride the city bus to the Colonial Country Club to be picked up by our moms? We shared those buses with the domestic help. The women who spent their days in the homes of Northeast Jackson taking care of white families and their evenings on the other side of Woodrow Wilson taking care of their own families.

But Kathryn set the book in the 1960's. Not in the 1980's, when we were growing up in Jackson.

I'm certainly not saying that it was the same in the '80's as it was in the '60's. But it wasn't as different as someone who didn't grow up there would imagine it would be. It was the same enough for me to be caught blushing with shame at identifying too well at times throughout the book.

*************************************************************************
There is something else that I associate with Jackson. It's probably not inherent to the place, but having been gone from there for over a decade now, it seems unique to the local to me. I have so much more confidence here in Raleigh. The mean girls just seemed meaner there.

The way the circles of friendships revolved around who your parents were and the Junior League made it impossible for lines to be crossed. I know I've mentioned before how I derailed my own track to debutante when I found out my best friend wasn't even allowed to utter the word because she was Jewish.

My father has never looked so relieved and yet altogether disappointed in the same expression as when I told him that I didn't want him to pursue it further. I think it was the moment he realized that I had no intentions of staying in Jackson.

Like Kathryn said though, I'm allowed to say whatever I want to about it. It's backwards, it bears bitter bitter fruit. It will never be as important as it thinks it is. I can talk some smack about Jackson, but don't you dare try. It's wonderful and quirky and full of surprises.

**************************************************************************
I've received multiple suggestions lately that I friend a woman named Mary Katherine on Facebook. I will do no such thing. Kevin can't believe that I can hold a grudge for 23 years. I disagree that it's a grudge.

In seventh grade, I was one of the last girls to figure out that you didn't get to just be nice to everyone, regardless of what they wore, what they looked like, or who they hung out with. As a result, after being burned a few times, and having the world's meanest carpool (seriously, Facebook, don't even think of recommending those girls), I just started being generally harsh on the outside. Protection measures, you know.

Anyway, one day before the Great Wall of Teenagedom went up, I passed Mary Katherine in the hallway. She was tall and gangly. Her hair was brillo pad curly, and I don't think I have ever seen her smile without sneering. She was on my ironic list of kids I felt sorry for. Ironic because I was so far down on the food chain, pity from me inspired ire in people.

"Hi, Kacky!" I smiled as she approached.

"My name is Mary Katherine," she hissed, cutting her eyes to see if anyone was watching her speak to me.

"Oh. I thought your friends called you 'Kacky,' I'm sorry." I thought I had made a mistake. We hadn't gone to elementary school together, so I didn't know her well.

"My friends do." she tossed over her shoulder at me.

I couldn't tell anyone why I hated her so much because it was too humiliating. I just made sure never to sit near her or hang with any of her friends and generally avoided any situation where I would have to be in her presence. Not an easy task in a school our size.

It's not like that one incident gave me reason to hold a grudge for 23 years really. She just never changed towards me. She never gave me any reason not to feel differently about her. For six years, all I saw was that sneer, and her walking in the back of her crowd most of the time. Like she was just following along. Like the moms were orchestrating the friendships and her mom just had the right clout to make sure she had the right friends.

In all honesty, I continued to feel sorry for her. But I would be damned if I ever put myself out there for her to spit on ever again.

So it's not really a grudge, it's just that old protection mechanism that's urging me to not only not friend her on Facebook, but to just block her and continue to pretend like it's a happy slappy world without people as mean as she was in it. Besides, I can guarantee that she doesn't care about being Facebook friends with me.

Of course, the grown up in me knows that is ridiculous. I'm sure she is a nice person, and I just never got the chance to see it. I don't imagine I ever will either because I'm not willing to try. That's really kind of sad.

Labels: Feelers, My Life, Random Thoughts, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amo DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 12:36:00 PM EST I think there are girls like that in all junior high and high schools! I had several girls be mean to me and others. Now, I don't care anymore, but back then...man, it hurt. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Renee Graves DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 1:36:00 PM EST And what Jackson was, Vicksburg was times 10. And I moved there my senior year of high school. And for some reason, my parents (not having been from the south) never understood why that would be a problem. It's a wonder that I lived through that year... remind me to tell you the horror stories over several beers some time.
I think Vicksburg would still be that way if crystal meth hadn't swallowed the city whole in the last ten years. And no city has been more deserving of being swallowed...
I still haven't read "The Help," but from what everyone has said, I really need to, soon. Mississippi leaves scars, even if you're only there for 10 years. I have read Mississippi Sissy, though, and from what I understand, it's an excellent companion piece, although it's actually a memoir. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Rachel Ratliff DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 2:47:00 PM EST Jackson...I can't wait to get out! Prep is exactly as you described. Everything from friendships to relationships was dictated by parents' statuses. As far as I know (I've been out for 5 years now), it's still the same. I will never subject my children to the cruelty of Prep. I hope my children never act like Mary Katherine...the world doesn't need anymore of those! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 5:57:00 PM EST Who in the world was Mary Catherine? I think I can almost see her--and her mother, not exactly in my circle. I think I had her little brother in Tiny Tots. Lots like her could only follow, never lead! It's sad that a good educational experience is scarred by such -----------. (The only words I can think of are not exactly pastoral.)
I remember the nastiness and I remember one thing Honey taught me: "Pretty is as pretty does." It's much like the morning sermon about people seeing/judging by the outside; God sees our hearts. Yours is beautiful! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

momtofive DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 6:42:00 PM EST I totally identify. Mean girls suck. And band geeks rule. pffft!
Love you!
eliz ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Margaret DATE:Sunday, November 8, 2009 at 7:24:00 PM EST Lordy can I relate to this post. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Monday, November 9, 2009 at 3:19:00 PM EST She might be nice now, or she might still be a bitch. You've got enough in your world without worrying about finding out. And I agree, not so much a grudge -- but just no need to reach back to that time, place, person. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Acting lessons DATE: 10/18/2009 11:01:00 PM ----- BODY:

He sits in his high chair and shakes his finger at me.

"No No NO NO!"

And with the final "NO," he pushes his plate away. Another mealtime takes a turn into a battle zone, and I find myself torn between not wanting my child to be hungry and not wanting to give in when all he wants to eat is peanut butter.

What bothers me more than the eating though is the look on his face. He had to learn that scowl somewhere. He had to learn that finger shaking from someone.

I'm afraid it's me.

This past week has been full of "MINE" and "NO." He spent the afternoon literally taking toys from a baby. He would take whatever the baby had and claim it as his own. If he wasn't taking things from the baby, he was taking things off coffee tables and countertops. It wasn't our house. I spent the afternoon chasing him down, shaking my finger at him, and saying, "No."

He will scowl and tell a stranger "NO" if they get too close to him. On the one hand, it's not such a bad thing, but I hate that it has been his default action this week.

Every time he scowls, yells, shakes a finger, or is generally ugly, a little piece of my heart breaks off because I'm quite sure that he learned it from me.

Starting at mealtime.

I am so frustrated by his refusal to put anything but grapes, bananas, yogurt, or peanut butter in his mouth. I lose my patience. I scowl. I point my finger.

It's not getting him to eat any better, but it's teaching him to act like me.

I don't want to be angry mommy. I don't want to raise angry son.

We need more smiles, and I'm scared of how I'll be when there's another one. Where will my patience leave me then? Why are there days when I get so frustrated that I don't even seem to enjoy being a mother?

I need an attitude adjustment. I need more smiling. I need more patience.

I also need for my child to eat a piece of meat and a vegetable EVER. But that's an issue for another day.

Labels: Bird, Feelers, On parenthood, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nita DATE:Monday, October 19, 2009 at 7:09:00 AM EDT Remember the Ricky I used to talk about, that would eat whatever was put in front of him? Those days are LONG gone. These days it's chicken nuggets, hot dogs, PB&J and sweet potato fries. I tell myself as long as he is drinking his milk and eating those sweet potato fries that he is getting SOMETHING good.

But really - how good are sweet potato fries - like how good are they for you?

This too has been my greatest fear with introducing another one to our family - will I have the patience? Seems like it wouldn't be fair to the next child.

All of this to say you're not alone. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It has to be normal - right? :-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Barry DATE:Monday, October 19, 2009 at 8:08:00 AM EDT Marty,

Lisa and I each have a picky eater and we have given in to them.

I'm not advocating it. I'm just reporting. It's possible that my Emma and her Will have super-sensitive taste buds and certain things overwhem their senses. It's also possible that they are just stubborn.

Separately, we each came to the point where, picking our battles and wanting pleasant mealtimes, we let them eat chicken nuggets, baked fries and pizza. (They do drink milk and V-8 Splash.)

Whatever you decide to do, just know that you have folks who love you, have been there and will not judge you either way.

It is a very hard set of choices.

Love you,

Barry ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mem DATE:Monday, October 19, 2009 at 8:48:00 AM EDT when you have two you will have days that you will have sworn you never ever would have. that will be ok.
you will not raise an angry baby because you are parenting him. this too shall pass my love- he is learning that he has his own opinions and that he can assert himself. he is trying on his big boy pants. come spend the day with h and i and you will see much the same.
remain consistant in whatever your choices are and hug him later.
try to see the humor in his little grumpy dworf self right now...you will laugh about it later! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kendra DATE:Monday, October 19, 2009 at 8:48:00 AM EDT My daughter is the same way. She used to eat anything and now almost everything is a struggle. I get frustrated and become the mom I don't want to be, so I understand where you are coming from. I haven't figured out how to stop myself from getting frustrated and letting me kids see it. At the end of the day, I tell them I'm sorry I was upset, we cuddle and I promise myself to try harder the next day. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Monday, October 19, 2009 at 11:17:00 AM EDT It's his age. He can eat those things and still be ok. Just put new stuff on the tray/plate with his favorites and keep reintroducing the new things. He'll eventually eat something else and then you'll have a time when he wont touch what he loves now!

((HUGS)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 12:45:00 PM EDT 1. Sweet potato fries TOTALLY count as a vegetable. As does ketchup.

2. He's learning how to take control of the little parts of his life that he can. There's not much when you're almost 2, so they take it where they can get it.

3. You're a beautiful, sweet, loving mom. Go back and read some of your posts about how happy you are to be home with him.

4. When new baby arrives, you'll grow this whole new space in yourself. I can't explain it -- and sometimes it still won't feel like enough -- but it will be there and you will all love each other and that will make it work.

5. I'm thinking I'll post my kids' food for a week to make all the other moms feel better. They eat lots of fruit, cheese, bread, crackers/cookies/snack mix and milk, but not much else. Like they're on a permanent French picnic.

You're not alone. And you and Bird and both just fine. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 12:47:00 PM EDT Oh, and 6. It's easy for me to sound all calm posting comments, but I completely lose my cool when Pippi starts throwing her food on the floor and Junius starts whining at nearly every meal.

xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amo DATE:Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 3:53:00 PM EDT Oh, I feel your pain! My son has been a picky eater since day one. He is now 14 months old and will still only eat baby food, plus a few other things. I finally got him to eat scrambled eggs this morning for breakfast for the first time. We will see how long that lasts. Feeding time has been a frustration for me since the beginning. Breastfeeding didn't work b/c I never produced enough milk, and then when he started eating solids, he threw up a lot and refused to eat. It has been a daily battle and i get frustrated a lot, but I try to keep smiling at him even though I want to throw a temper tantrum! And, yes, sometimes I do throw a temper tantrum! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Road trip DATE: 9/24/2009 12:00:00 PM ----- BODY:

I'm headed out to the Type A Mom Conference. This morning, I'll be picking up Abby in Kevin's crazy tiny car, packing all of our stuff into its crazy tiny trunk, and headed for the mountains.

Here are my confessions:

1. I'm not as excited as I could be. I want to go, and I don't want to go all at the same time.

2. It's the first time I've ever been away from Bird overnight. Ever. In his entire life. Hence the want/not want feelings.

3. I'm scared that Bird will wean while I'm gone. While I know this would be alright, and that he isn't really nursing that much anymore anyway, I really wanted it to be his decision and not because I left him for three days. Of course, I should have thought more about this when planning the trip. Duh.

4. Mixed in with my ambiguous feelings is the pure excitement of being free for three days. Even though I don't feel the need to carve out a bunch of "me time" - I actually enjoy being with my kiddo and being his mom 24/7 - there is part of me that is excited about not cooking or cleaning for three days. Yay.

5. I'm not worried about Kevin taking care of Bird. I feel like I'm supposed to be, but I'm not.

6. I've never really spent time on the Type A Mom website, but the conference is in Asheville and far more affordable than BlogHer.

7. I don't read many of the blogs of the people speaking. Some, but not many. Will be out of the loop I guess.

8. I don't care to monetize my blog or connect with sponsors. Although if VW wants to give us a Touareg to test drive for awhile, I wouldn't turn that down. That's a sweet deal. But really, I'm kinda wondering what I'll do that will be conferencey like.

9. This trip is coming at a time when I've started to think that blogging is more work than I have time for. We'll see . . .

Labels: Blogging Babes, Blogging Innards, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Thursday, September 24, 2009 at 11:28:00 PM EDT Miss you already -- although I would not have fit in the tiny car. All's quiet over there, so I think they're doing fine.

If you get the Toureg, you must let me drive it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

SelfishMom.com DATE:Saturday, September 26, 2009 at 4:40:00 PM EDT Thanks for the link! Driving the Touareg down here was fun. Your opportunities will come. Write to me if you want to talk more! ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Letters DATE: 8/31/2009 02:31:00 PM ----- BODY:

Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield,

Thank you for having not one, but two very nice ladies available to help me over the phone today. I now understand better why I had to shell out a large chunk of money for my one routine ultrasound that is supposed to be included in my global maternity plan.

While your customer service people were nice and helpful, it doesn't change the fact that I'm getting screwed here. Having switched from an OB to a midwife will save you a huge amounts of money. The three days that I won't spend in the hospital this time? Will save you a huge amount of money. All of the decisions that I am making in this pregnancy happen to save you huge amounts of money.

So why is it that it's costing me so much more?

Sincerely,
Just another American frustrated with health care and insurance companies

Dear Jardin people,

You make a lovely crib. I did not mean to break it when I was so pissed off earlier today. I now know that I can't yank the rail up that hard. At least not without breaking the little plastic parts on the bottom.

The fact that you are sending me the new parts free of charge and so quickly is very nice, and it makes me wonder if you realize that it's my own damn fault the thing broke in the first place.

Sincerely,
A mommy who seriously needs a break

Dear Glenn,

I'm guessing that working at Babies'R'Us in the furniture department is not your dream job. Maybe you had your sights set on something white collar, 8-5, that came with a company car. I don't know. Maybe, you are really good at retail.

However, I for one, am grateful that you work there. You probably just thought you were doing your job, but unless your job description includes dealing with insanely hormonal pregnant women who cry on the phone to you while their toddlers scream and throw things in the background? Unless it includes that, you went way above and beyond today.

I didn't know the brand, the model number, or where it was made. You knew your cribs so well, that you helped me identify it over the phone by describing a couple of specific parts on it. When you realized that I still had one child using the crib, you asked if you could call me back so you could see if there were parts you could take off a crib in stock so I could have them today.

When you couldn't actually get the parts for me today, you instead gave me the part numbers and phone number and everything else I needed to order them myself so they would get to me faster. You did pretty much everything but come to my house and dial the phone for me.

My day sucked. You not only helped my fix Bird's crib, you helped fix my day. I should probably tell your boss.

Sincerely,
That same mommy who seriously needs a break

Labels: General Bitching, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Monday, August 31, 2009 at 4:20:00 PM EDT Definitely tell Glenn's boss. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Monday, August 31, 2009 at 5:23:00 PM EDT Oh yes, please tell Glenn's boss. Glenn is obviously customer service oriented, although I am willing to bet that a retail job at a place called BabiesRUs means that hormonal pregnant women and tantruming toddlers ARE part of the territory. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amo DATE:Monday, August 31, 2009 at 9:30:00 PM EDT I love the letters idea! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beril DATE:Monday, August 31, 2009 at 11:50:00 PM EDT Uhh as a retail associate.. please tell Glenn's boss. It will make his life better at work. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 7:56:00 AM EDT I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one that has a tendency to break things when I'm angry. Someday when I get a chance to really write again, I'll have to share the story of how I got a new kitchen faucet. ;)

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica DATE:Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 10:41:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry that you totally need a break... I've SO been there :)
Also, what an awesome dude Glenn is. It sounds like regardless of what his dream job is, he's taking this one to heart. I love people like that. They make me super happy :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mamma Pie DATE:Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 6:23:00 PM EDT Have you switched to a birthing center? Specifically...WBAWC? I had my little berry there last August specifically 'cause I didn't want to stay in the hospital when I could be in my own space. Just curious 'cause you're mentioning midwives and I know you've blogged about the place before. They are so, so, SO wonderful. Good luck to you!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mrs. Chicken DATE:Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 8:32:00 AM EDT I hope your day is better today.

xoxoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 9:12:00 AM EDT Your letter to Blue Cross was so much kinder than mine.

And Karma dictates that you must tell Glenn's boss.

And I hope you get that break; I hope that most of all. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Chelsea + Jonathan DATE:Monday, September 7, 2009 at 1:56:00 PM EDT Hey, I'm Abby's sister-in-law and found your blog through hers. I'm getting prenatal care at WBWC and also have BCBS and now wondering... will they not cover the ultrasound because it's not done by the WBWC people but by UNC? Or is it something else? Do I need to do something special to get it covered? Aaah so many questions :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Al_Pal DATE:Friday, October 9, 2009 at 9:37:00 AM EDT Awww, gosh. I hope you got a chance to tell Glenn's boss. ;p ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: So proud DATE: 3/28/2009 10:15:00 PM ----- BODY:

Tonight, Kevin,Christopher, and I went to the Food Lion near our house. We bought a lottery ticket, a 12 pack of beer, and some Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Classy.

Labels: Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 10:27:00 PM EDT I can't decide what I want more, the beer or the eggs!! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Two Lines On a Stick DATE:Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 10:30:00 PM EDT I'm just laughing that you even HAVE a place called Food LioN! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Hf DATE:Saturday, March 28, 2009 at 11:02:00 PM EDT Did ya win?? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beautifully Unique DATE:Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 12:12:00 AM EDT That sounds like a true redneck list, lol. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Banteringblonde DATE:Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 12:33:00 AM EDT I love Cadbury eggs! They've gotten smaller since I was a kid though ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MB DATE:Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 1:19:00 AM EDT What, no chewing tobacco? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 8:04:00 PM EDT Should that be "klassy"? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica DATE:Monday, March 30, 2009 at 9:07:00 PM EDT We should live closer...And I hope you win. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 5:30:00 PM EDT If you win, you could buy more beer and eggs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, April 1, 2009 at 11:35:00 AM EDT Did you at least win on the ticket?

Sounds like one of our shopping excursions... exciting isn't it? ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Hello, My Name Is Anger DATE: 3/14/2009 11:45:00 AM ----- BODY:

I'm angry. I should have known. The shortness, the depression, the feeling of being overwhelmed. The impatience with everyone, including strangers.

When the happy salesman came to my door this week, he rang the doorbell and then did an enthusiastic drum cadence with his knuckles as well. The dogs began barking, and the baby monitor hissed out the sounds of a just then napping baby rustling in his crib. I bolted to the front door and opened it just enough to stick my head out and snap, "I've got a sleeping baby in here. I don't care what you are selling." He jumped all four steps down from my stoop with his apology left hanging in a speech bubble that dripped with shame.

He didn't deserve that from me.

Someone attacked a friend of mine yesterday on a blog. Granted, I am a fiercely loyal friend, but it made me far more angry than it should have. I ached for her and wished that I could take on that other woman face to face. The things that ran through my head to say to her were cruel and hurtful. Very hurtful. I didn't say them, but I dwelled on them.

I told Girl this morning that I was feeling mean. She suggested that what I was feeling was really anger. She is so right.

I don't handle anger well. I have pushed it so far down into the places I never reach that when I do feel it, I don't recognize it. Anger doesn't wear disguises; I just don't know it. It stands quietly in front of me, waiting on me to give it the right name tag. I hand it, "Hello, my name is MEAN," or "HURT" or "SAD," and it patiently places each new tag on top of the other one, but answers to none of those names.

When I think about expressing anger, it frightens me. If I say that I'm angry that my parents and my brother's family get to celebrate everyday together, be it Valentine's Day or a talent show, I'm scared I will be misunderstood. It worries me that by feeling a jealous anger, they will think I'm angry at them. Which I'm not. Right beside the jealous anger sits gratitude that they have that time together. They make odd bedfellows, but there they are.

I just wish that I had that time with them too. And stepping back, I don't know if that emotion is anger or not. That one may be sadness. It's hard to tell.

Plus, expressing anger opens up a vulnerability. Back in September when I shut my blog down for awhile, I kept hearing, "Don't let her know you are angry. Don't let her think she got to you." I get that. I get that for some people, knowing you've made another person angry is some sort of victory. But that's not my problem. Was I angry that someone used my blog to violate my husband and try to ruin our first night out since the baby was born? Of course I was. Anger was an appropriate response, but I didn't show it because for some reason I thought that would make me weak.

I don't think anger wants anything from me. I don't think it expects me to dance with it, write songs about it, or paint with it. I think it just wants me to give it the right name tag. I start today.

I'm angry that I lost two more babies. In a row.
I'm angry at loss.

I'm angry that the best my doctor had to offer was, "It happens."
I'm angry at helplessness.

I'm angry that my parents can't come to see us and that I can't get to see them often enough.
I'm angry at disease.

I'm angry at the adults in Lovely's life who don't see her as her own person. Who make decisions for her based on their own desires and bitterness.
I'm angry at selfishness.

I don't live in the anger, but I have been living around it. Skirting it. Giving it all the wrong names. In that, I have given it stayability. I don't want that. Giving it all the wrong names lets it seep out into my everyday life and stain the relationships I have worked so hard to polish.

I name you, Anger, and I give you notice. You are only a feeling. You will not rule my life.

Labels: Baby Lust, Family, Feelers, Gratitude, Grief, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mrs. Chicken DATE:Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 2:16:00 PM EDT Good for you, Canape. I have the same issues and the same desire to label anger with other, less scary words. This post is empowering not only for you, but for me, too.

I'm angry right now, and I am letting it control me. Thank you for taking my blinders off. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amanda DATE:Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 11:42:00 PM EDT It's frightening how it can own you, this anger. You are not alone, and you are not angry, you just feel anger. I think it'll be on its way soon. Make way for joy and peace. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 9:24:00 AM EDT Good. Good step.

Now ... use it.

(I don't know about you, but I use anger to clean house. It gives up and slinks away pretty darn quickly that way. And if it doesn't? The house still gets clean, and Happiness, Contentment, and Gratitude didn't have to give up their time to do it.)

Hee. Hee. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 9:31:00 AM EDT You have been facing a bunch of really unfair circumstances. It's fair to be angry. It doesn't make you weak to know this. It makes you stronger in recognizing it and seeing it for what it is. Labeling it lets Anger know that it won't be able to control you or consume you. Anger will simply be an unwelcome guest for awhile. Poke that anger in the chest and let it know that it is not welcome to stay for too long. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beautifully Unique DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 10:09:00 AM EDT Great post Marty! I think we can all learn a little something from it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kris DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 11:26:00 AM EDT Good for you. This was a great post. And believe me, I know exactly how you feel. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 12:26:00 PM EDT Roar! I hope it helps to have gotten it out like that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Don Mills Diva DATE:Monday, March 16, 2009 at 8:27:00 PM EDT I needed to read this today. Thank you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

the new girl DATE:Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 8:18:00 PM EDT Canape--I so relate to the Anger wearing other name tags. It's such a keen metaphor.

Thanks for sharing it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 7:51:00 AM EDT Amazing post! Take it, shake it and get rid of it!

I know how anger can eat at you. But you did name it, pinpointed it and now you can deal with it.

Best of luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Never That Easy DATE:Saturday, March 21, 2009 at 11:34:00 AM EDT I have had this post open in my browser for a few days now, and every time I think I've got a coherent comment to post, it falls apart. Because I am angry too, and I thank you for saying it much better than I could have. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Oh, Gawd. Bewbs again. DATE: 3/10/2009 09:04:00 PM ----- BODY:

For those of you who know me in real life, I hereby warn you that I am about to talk about my boobs. Again. You may click away now, or read at your own risk.

Catherine breastfed another woman's child this weekend. If you don't know the story and would like to, it can be found here. It's not directly related, but it's got me thinking.

I have two breasts. My momma has one. My friend has none. I still have two that I should be grateful for.

They are mine. I grew them. I have lived with them for almost 25 years now. For most of those years I hid them. I wore baggy shirts and sweaters that were too big. I was uncomfortable with the attention they garnered.

It was more attention than I ever received myself. In fact, this space is even overshadowed by them, with the most searched hits coming from "ginormous boobs" or some incarnation thereof.I suppose that is also because I continue to talk about them.

The first time my husband, then new boyfriend, saw them in just a camisole, he blurted, "My God! They're ginormous!" I quickly put the baggier shirt back on and slunk down in my seat. I wanted the focus to remain on me, not them. Betrayed by my breasts once again.

Only I wasn't. After the initial shock, he went right back to talking to me. My face, rather. He held my hand, put his arm around me, all without copping that oops-feel that even some of my friends' husbands have been guilty of copping. Later, I learned that Kevin's reaction to the girls and their girth was in fact just shock. He actually just considered it a big bonus and gave me reason to believe it too. And since my mother reads this blog, I will stop there.

After I became a mother, I expected to have an epiphany about my breasts. Learn the "real" purpose they serve. Open the heavens and sound the trumpets: breastfeeding. My boobies were created to be a food source to my babies. I would magically begin to respect them and they in turn would learn their place in this world. Which was about four inches lower than I had hoped for, but whatever.

The thing is, I don't think the heavens opened, and I don't think they were made just to feed babies.

You see, I have these hands. Two of them. They type, they play the piano, they change diapers, they bathe a child, they prepare meals, they clean this house. They do a multitude of things for every different part of my being. The writer, the musician, the mother, the wife, all use these hands.

It is the same with my breasts. They are functional; feeding my child. They are sexual; just ask my husband. They are decorative; clothes fit better with them than without them. They are all of these things to me.

The boobies belong to me. If I want to use them to feed my child, I can. If I want to use them to pump milk for another child, I can. If I want to use them to nurse another child, I can. If I want to use them to try and sell albums, I can. If I want to use them to reach orgasm, I can. If I want to use them to keep my toes warm, I can in another few years, I'm sure.

They belong to me. Yours belong to you. And no one. No one should be telling us what we should or shouldn't be doing with them.

Labels: Boobilicious, Breastfeeding, Nursing, Random Thoughts, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 10:14:00 PM EDT You know what? I've decided to stop blogging. I'm just going to link to your blog every time you post anew. Then I'll be all set b/c for some reason you keep publishing posts that are exactly things I've been thinking. How the hell do you do that?

I too was hoping for the breastfeeding boobie epiphany that never came. I've always been a hater of my boobs (they are the definition of ginormous) but I'm at least beginning to have days that we actually get along. Of course, my sexy red Bravissimo bra helps with this.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: You rock those boobs, girl and I will try to follow your lead.

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Two Lines On a Stick DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 1:13:00 AM EDT I totally laughed out loud. I don't think your boobs will be down to your toes EVER. At least I hope not. In the most non-sexual way. Um, I'm stopping now... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:44:00 AM EDT Amen.

And LOL about keeping your toes warm. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

No Minimom DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:44:00 AM EDT I'll tell you the same thing I told my best friend in 7th grade who was already a C cup and was several cup sizes larger by the time we graduated high school: If you don't need all that, I'll gladly take some off your hands! ;-)

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. There is no way on the green green earth I would let a stranger nurse my baby, but I wouldn't feel weird at all doing that for someone else (maybe that's hypocritical, but there it is). Regardless of my personal views, it's not my place to say what someone else can do with their body! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 10:32:00 AM EDT Well said. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Convertible Girl DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 1:50:00 PM EDT Wow. There is so much news out there that I would miss if it weren't for you.

As for the ginormous boobs, I'm with No Minimom -- now that I'm not nursing, I think I'm a whatever-comes-before-A-cup. So I say enjoy them, even if you have to hike them up a bit first! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nita DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 8:04:00 PM EDT Damn straight! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 9:12:00 PM EDT Toes! Warm!

I totally forgot what else I was going to say. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 9:14:00 PM EDT Love it! Love it! You can nurse my baby anytime you want - do you want the 2:30 am, 3:30 am, 4am, 4:45am, or 6 am? He calls them "muggles." ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Friday, March 13, 2009 at 11:31:00 PM EDT Very true words :)

And glad your toes will be warm ;) ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Keeping Up DATE: 1/27/2009 09:51:00 PM ----- BODY:

I've been able to keep up with Marty and know that she had a baby. Her ex-husband realized that everything was for the best when he heard about it.

I can't quote that. It's a second hand conversation that a former friend had with a current friend of mine, and I don't even remember exactly what she told me. But that line keeps playing through my head in one form or another.

This person, a person who violently ejected himself from my life, is able to keep up with me. I don't know how. I don't know why. I do wish that he wouldn't. I do wish that he cared as little about me and what is going on in my life as I do about him and what is going on in his life. When you rip apart a relationship the way he did, you move on.

At least I do.

He is friends with my ex. Hence the information that the birth of my child gave my ex some sort of cosmic peace about our divorce. I'm so thrilled. Good for him.

This is, of course, the same man who announced to me after years of dicking around with no career but plenty of school loans - and I can quote this one, because I will never forget it - "Someone should just give me a job."

His lack of follow through, his inability to live up to promises made, his stagnant lifestyle, all of these things were things he could control. Things he could have changed. Things he could have grown out of. Instead, he is choosing to find peace in our divorce because he is sterile and now I have a child.

Whatever helps him sleep at night.

However, I am in no mood to sit back and just let him be the victim anymore. He got a bum lot in life, not being able to have kids. I signed on for that bum lot with eyes open. We agreed that we wanted a family. Adoption is hard and costly and impossible when one of you quits their job and "goes back to school" right when you finish the application.

His choices, made long before I left him, should give him peace about the divorce. Not having to live with me anymore, as I had become a very unhappy, very mean person, should give him peace about the divorce. Being given a "get out of jail free" card to officially renig on every promise he made and couldn't keep should give him peace.

I will never understand why people wallow in the past the way they do. I guess I do it too in some ways. I mourn friendships that have played out. I get disappointed when people I trusted let me down.

But I don't seek out the people who have hurt me. I don't Google them. I don't continue following their lives. I have a switch that I can turn, and I simply don't care anymore. I'm not sure that's a good thing. It's most certainly a survival tactic. For someone whose feelings get hurt as easily as mine do, it's a must. Mend the wound and prevent it from being reopened.

Besides, how smart is it to continue to immerse yourself in the life of someone who you know doesn't care about you? It's not smart at all. It's stupid to continue to watch from the sidelines, whether you are watching to see them fail, watching wistfully, or watching out of some sick curiosity. It's only hurting yourself.

Someone, more than one person actually, sent me the link to my ex-husband's blog. It's easy to find if you know the name of the band we had back in Mississippi. I don't go there though. It's his space, and I made a very clear legal decision that I don't wish to share space with him anymore. In theory, I wish him well and hope he's alright. In reality, I barely remember him.

And the people who used to be friends? Those wounds have lost their scabs and earned their scars. I don't wonder about them. I don't ask about them. It's done. I consider myself cleansed of some nasty toxic relationships.

Yet they still "keep up." Amazing. I am so not that interesting. Really.

Labels: Divorce, General Bitching, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beautifully Unique DATE:Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 6:01:00 PM EST What is it with exes keeping up? My ex sil called a few months ago out of the blue and mentioned that she had heard about me having a baby. We don't even share friends, why ya snoopin?

I nominated you for an award on my blog. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Spacemom DATE:Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 12:42:00 PM EST First, I am sorry about your loss... I've been unable to keep up with my blogs lately.

Second, some people still cling to what they have lost (your ex is that person). They fail to be able to move forward. Why? I don't know. Maybe there was something there that he is afraid of moving from.

But you don't have to let him bother you.

Hugs.... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Monday, February 2, 2009 at 9:50:00 PM EST Whoa. Hell hath no fury like...M@rty. :D ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Poop from Beyond DATE: 1/02/2009 09:38:00 PM ----- BODY:

I can't believe 2009 is here. It's the first year I finally feel grounded in a long time. Little Bird is here. Kevin has a job that he loves. Mallory is safely navigating her way through middle school. It feels like I finally might be able to move forward on some of my own goals that have been on the back burner. Songs. CD's. Music that has been playing in my head for only me.

That made me sound a little crazy. Which is probably pretty accurate.

We picked up the two big dummies from the kennel today. Aja, the English Setter, was aloof as usual. She had been given a bath today and was much more interested in being admired than she was showing us any hint that she had missed us.

Gibson, on the other hand, was a bouncing 90 pound bundle of nervous joy. Kevin said that when they removed his collar at the kennel last week, Gibson leaned into his leg and looked up as if to ask, "What did I do? I promise to be good." It was just a little over a year ago that we adopted him from the Wilson County Animal Shelter. A big beautiful Chocolate Lab, just sitting in a cage with no family. I might have been 36 weeks pregnant, but I didn't even consider saying "no" when Kevin suggested that Gibson come home with us.

The Setter has been Mallory's dog since the day they met. She loves that little girl. Or, perhaps she loves the little girl's bed. Either way, when Mallory comes home to us, the Setter actually gets off the couch to greet her. That's way more than me or Kevin ever get from her.

Gibson is Kevin's dog, although I'm working on staking a claim now too. For the first couple of months he lived with us, he would lay at the front door and whine when Kevin would leave for work. He has some pretty severe separation anxiety issues that we have finally worked through, but I still called the kennel multiple times to check on him while we were gone.

Chelsea, my sweet girl, was of course my dog. For 14 years, she and I were completely inseparable. This Christmas, there were so many times when I looked for her. I couldn't be in the kitchen without looking down to see if Chelsea just "cleaned the floor" for me. The stocking for the pups was missing the annual pink spikey football toy that I always found for Chelsea. It was all just a little sad for me.

Today, we were taking down the tree in the dining room. If just for a moment, my Chelsea was right back with me. For in the corner of the dining room, behind the tree, where only Chelsea could have squeezed, was a little pile of dried up dog poop.

I wasn't sure if I should be completely grossed out or so very sad that I would never clean up after Chelsea ever again. So I cried as I picked up the pile of shit.

That's my girl. Sending little gifts from beyond, just to let me know she's alright. Or, I suppose you could just look at it as a pile of petrified poo. Poo from across the Rainbow Bridge.

Someone is going to think this is funny with me. At least one person. I hope.

Labels: Family, Grief, Holidays, Pups, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Friday, January 2, 2009 at 11:11:00 PM EST I think it very sweet and also very funny. I would have cried, too. Welcome home! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nita DATE:Friday, January 2, 2009 at 11:34:00 PM EST Oh wow, I would have gotten weepy (and a little grossed out) too. FWIW, I totally giggled. *snicker*

Welcome Home! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Saturday, January 3, 2009 at 12:35:00 PM EST I totally giggled. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

pastormargaret DATE:Saturday, January 3, 2009 at 1:18:00 PM EST I probably would have bagged the poop and kept it in an out of the way place for a while anyway. We still have Sugar's collars and in Antelope they hung in a glass fronted cabinet in the garage--Dad will not part with them. Then there are the slobber stains on furniture----I guess you come by your "craziness" honestly. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Saturday, January 3, 2009 at 3:28:00 PM EST "Somewheeeeeeere, over the rainbow...."

(Come on. You KNOW you want to sing it with me.)

You?

Are hilarious!

Welcome home.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Sunday, January 4, 2009 at 2:12:00 PM EST Awww!! I thought that was cute and amusing. Glad you got a late little Christmas 'present' ;) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

myrelish DATE:Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 12:59:00 AM EST I never thought a post about poop would make we want to cry and giggle at the same time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Friday, January 9, 2009 at 12:19:00 PM EST I think its very sweet he left you a little present. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Complete lack of human compassion DATE: 12/12/2008 10:45:00 PM ----- BODY:

Chelsea and I were at peace with each other when she left this past Friday. Although I miss her more than you possibly want to hear about, I know that it was time for her to go, and it was my responsibility to help her leave this life. I promised to be her guardian and caretaker, and I was for 14 years. All the way up to the very end.

There was a part of the story I didn't tell on Friday. I didn't want to mar saying goodbye to my pup anymore than had been done for me that day. The experience we had at the vet was unbelievable, and I wavered on whether to share it at all. However, if anyone is searching for this vet online, I think it is important that they hear how we were treated.

Quail Corners Animal Hospital, where I had trusted the care of my dogs for close to eight years now, will no longer be our vet. There was a girl who was supposed to be scheduling it to be done at home for us. Two days went by without her calling me back, only to find out that the vet who was supposed to do it had gone into labor. While I certainly understood that labor and birth took priority, I didn't understand why I hadn't been extended the courtesy of a phone call to give me this information. Instead I had to keep calling back, trying to find out what time I would say goodbye to my pup. I needed to find someone to watch Bird and really wanted Kevin to be off work to be with us. I needed to prepare myself mentally and emotionally.

After two days of not letting me know anything except how little she knew, I finally told her that I would just bring Chelsea in to have it done. She told me the vets who were available, and after I chose one, she asked me if I wanted morning or afternoon. I told her afternoon. She offered me 1:30, and I said that would be fine. I repeated back the time to her, and she said yes 1:30 was the time.

I called Kevin and let him know. Then I called Boo who had offered to be with me, and I asked her to watch Little Bird. I set the whole thing up for 1:30. I did not get the time wrong of the death of my dog.

When we arrived at the vet, we were told by the front desk that our appointment wasn't until 4:30. The woman at the front told us there was nothing she could do to change it.

Seriously?

I'm sitting there in the waiting room, bawling already. Chelsea is just standing there because she can't lay down without just falling over anymore. Kevin is standing with his mouth agape. It was all I could do to get there once. There was no way I could go home and bring her back again.

Seriously? Nothing she could do?

I told her through my tears that she didn't need to change anything; that our appointment was at 1:30, and we were there at the right time. I wasn't going to even entertain this discussion.

She just repeated herself.

I start sobbing. I can't help it. I tell her that I had been working with Rachel for three days to get this taken care of, and that I had been extremely patient with her. I told her that our appointment was at 1:30.

She went to get Rachel.

We have to believe that something else was going on in the office because Rachel approached us swinging. She came out and immediately told me we were wrong. I was wrong. Our appointment was at 4:30 and that she had confirmed it on the phone with me for 4:00. Um, okay. I'm not sure how that made any sense, but whatever.

I have to admit. I lost it. I actually yelled. In public. At that girl. I yelled at her and told her she was incompetent. I yelled at her and told her that she was completely unable to engage another adult in an intelligent conversation that resulted in effective communication. I yelled at her and told her to quit talking to me and just get me all of my dogs' records so I could get out of there and never have to see her again.

The whole time, she was yelling back at me, telling me that I was wrong. Telling me that the circumstances were out of her control. I'm not sure what circumstances kept her from inputting the correct time of my appointment into the computer, but whatever.

Kevin stepped in between us and told us both to stop. He looked at Rachel and asked her what she was going to do to fix this. She said that she couldn't do anything right then, that we could be worked in at 2:30.

I told her to get our records and she yelled over Kevin's shoulder that she would be glad to do that and then stormed out of the little office cubby.

After she was gone, another office worker came out into the waiting room and leaned over to me. She said that there was a vet who could help us then. Kevin took my arm and nodded at me to get up and go back. He knew that this was the one chance we had at my strength. It was sapped, and if we took Chelsea back home again, I would never let her go.

There were mumbled apologies at the "mix-up." I ignored them. There was no "mix-up." It was a major mistake on their part.

The thing is, even if I had gotten the time wrong, which I didn't, they should have ignored it. Obviously, I wasn't in some sort of hurry that I deceptively came in with my dog and tried to get them to put her to sleep 3 hours before my scheduled time. That's freaking absurd.

Any ounce of compassion would have caused the very first woman in the office to ignore the discrepancy between the time we arrived and the time that Rachel the genius entered in the computer. She would have quietly slipped into the back and found the vet who helped us in the end, and made everything work out without subjecting us to the drama that their incompetency created.

This isn't a rant, it is simply what happened that day. In the event that someone Googles this vet, it is the chance for them to see how they might be treated if they choose to go there.

It was hard enough to make the decision. It was hard enough to get in the car with my pup. It was hard enough to get out of the car and take her inside for the very last time. To say goodbye.

I will never understand how they could possibly treat someone in so much obvious pain as badly as they treated me.

Labels: Grief, Pups, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Monday, December 15, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM EST So sorry to hear about your loss.
I would just like to point out Im totally backing you on this one. This animal hospital closes at 5pm. Would they really schedule this for 4:30? Good for you for standing up for yourself! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Monday, December 15, 2008 at 11:15:00 PM EST I'm so sorry to hear that this was so horrible for you. I used to be a veterinary receptionist and we never would have treated someone like this.

We did try to schedule these sorts of things at the end of the day so that people could spend as much time in a room with their animal as they wanted to, but if we had made the mistake of scheduling such a thing at a different time we would have done what you said that vet should have done. I believe you when you say you wouldn't have mistaken the time you scheduled the appointment, but as you say, even if you did, they should have treated you differently.

Any veterinary receptionist who yells at a client who is having to go through this—especially over something like an appointment time—should be fired.

Our policy was to deal with payment and arrangements first, then put the client and pet in a room to let them have as much time as they need. And then let them stay as long as they need to afterwards. If they looked like they needed it before they left, we tried to offer hugs.

Your pup was a member of your family. I'm so sorry this marred the end for her. I hope that now that it is down on the page, you can put it out of your mind and just remember the rest of it.

I am so sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Two Lines On a Stick DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 12:37:00 AM EST Well the asshats working there shouldn't be allowed to deal with animals OR people. So sorry that you had to deal with them and also about Chelsea :( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 7:28:00 AM EST Unbelievable.

I'm agape.

I sincerely hope that the second office worker, and the vet who eventually helped you, were considerably more professional and compassionate.

What a terrible time this must have been-- made worse by unfeeling, incompetent people.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Canape.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:37:00 AM EST That is appalling. My father-in-law is a vet and would have never have allowed staff to treat you this way. He believes that a vet should be there as much for the owners (if not more) as for the pets.

Rachel should be fired plain and simple. She should not be working in a business that involves competency much less compassion.

I am so sorry you had to go through this at the worst of times. Chelsea is in a better place now with the energy of a puppy now. I'm sorry you've been left with the pain. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:39:00 AM EST Oh, and I think you should crosspost this and tweet it on Triangle Mamas. It needs to be shared with other Triangle families. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 10:53:00 AM EST That is bad. Especially for the state of mind. I am sorry they did not give you or Chelsea the respect you deserved. I'm glad you are not going to use them anymore. I hope that the 'owner' sees this and knows that his employees are real jerks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Chelsea + Jonathan DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 1:06:00 PM EST Wow, that made me cry. I'm appalled that anyone working in a service position (i.e. receptionist!) would behave so poorly, and especially when you were clearly there for something that is really difficult and emotional.

I will not be taking our pup there. Thanks for the warning! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 1:47:00 PM EST Even if I were to entertain the ridiculous notion that you got the time wrong, why on earth would they argue that with you?! And to yell at you and continue to fight with you?! That's just wrong. I'm so sorry that they made it even harder for you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

The Daily Wit DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 4:59:00 PM EST There's nothing I can say that's not already been said. Just let this comment serve as further outrage (at the vet) and empathy (for you). ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

nikki DATE:Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at 5:31:00 PM EST I am so sorry, Marty. I know how painful it is to lose a beloved pet - there's no excuse for that horrible behavior when you were already grieving, and it was THEIR mixup. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 12:13:00 AM EST How appalling. I hope people considering this vet do find your experience. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 2:20:00 AM EST Weez thinkin of you, M.

(although it might have rocked somewhat if Kevin would have Pete Townshend-post-concert-smashed a guitar over Rachel's head and walked out of the hospital with his hands raised in the air. to the sound of amplifier feedback, no less.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bethany DATE:Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 3:11:00 PM EST Reading that had me all fired up, and then crying. How dare they create so much chaos at such a sensitive time. I'm so sorry you had to deal with such idiots, and go through all the emotions of putting Chelsea down.

I'm sorry for all of it, and I want to whoop some butt too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Brenda F DATE:Monday, December 22, 2008 at 8:35:00 PM EST My heart goes out to you. My answer. You did the right thing,let everybody know. Good customer service goes a long way. Poor customer service goes .even farther. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: The coda and cadence DATE: 9/14/2008 01:00:00 AM ----- BODY:

This blog is where I became who I am.

My marriage began during this blog.

My first baby lives only in these pages now.

I became a mother here in these words. First a stepmother. Then the mother of a baby that would never be held. Then Little Bird's mothe r.

It's where I have made too many friends to link to, but you know who you all are.

My words will stay here. They won't be taken down. But they won't be added to either.

This will be my last post.

I have been of the belief that it was perfectly fine to write about personal things here. To talk openly about my son and my husband. To give whoever wanted it a glimpse into our lives. Internet privacy wasn't a huge concern for me. I knew that whatever I posted was fair game and that if I didn't want something known, that I shouldn't put it on the internet.

However.

I had only considered the consequences of nasty crazy strangers who don't know my last name, where I live, or how to find me.

I never considered the consequences of people that know who we are and where we live.

By posting about going to the Liam Finn concert, I opened the door to let someone show up to that event and harass us. I also gave them a completely open window of time when they knew that my son would be home without me. Thank God they chose to come to the club and not our home.

That was the most irresponsible thing I have ever done in my entire life.

I will not repeat that mistake.

And to make sure, I will not be using this space any longer.

Maybe there will be another space someday. Something private with passwords. Something that the people I have grown to love here can still share with me.

For now though, I need to put the keyboard down. Stop feeding them. Stop giving them access into our lives. Stop pretending that they are inconsequential in our lives. We don't know that, and because of that unknown, the safest thing for me to do it to stop.

I feel like I have just ripped my fingers off and thrown them on the ground. My heart feels like I punched myself in the chest a dozen times. My gut is turning and begging me not to be bullied. Not to give in.

But it's not about that.

It's not a situation of "being beaten" or "giving in."

It's a situation of I love my son and my husband more than the air that I breathe and the life that I have.

And I should have been protecting them all along from someone who wishes them nothing but harm and ill will.

I am so very sorry, Darling.

You all know how to find me. Email will remain the same. At least for awhile. I hope you will stay in touch, and let me know if you would like to be informed of a new safe space in the future.

V7 and I.

We're done.

Labels: Blogging Innards, Divorce, Grief, Guy and Me, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria and Co. DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 1:03:00 AM EDT Oh Marty, I am going to miss this space. But, I will see you elsewhere.

I am angry, upset, and completely taken aback that someone could be so brazen, and frankly, immature. This person needs to stop acting like a child, and put her child first. Doesn't she see that she looks like a fool?! I am so sorry that you and your family have to deal with the continual onslaught of abuse from that person. Hopefully it ends soon.

Again, I am so glad that she focused her negativity on you and Guy that night, instead of going over to the house. OH MY GAWD, there would be hell to pay. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bobbie DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 6:23:00 AM EDT I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we live in a world where people (grownups!) behave the way they do. Do what you need to do to protect your family.

I've enjoyed reading about you and Little Bird.

Best of luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 7:42:00 AM EDT Oh, I'll miss you. We've never met, of course, but I checked in on you every day.
Best, best of luck in life. Enjoy that husband and yummy baby.
I will think of you,
Cari in NY ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nita DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:06:00 AM EDT Oh Marty, I am going so sorry that you have to go through this. I understand taking whatever measures necessary to protect your family.

I will miss you dearly but look forward to maintaining contact in other ways. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sonja DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:08:00 AM EDT Marty, I am so sorry it had to come to this! I know this space means a lot to you and you worked really hard to get it where it is...
But you are doing the right thing by not feeding the evil anymore!

HUGS

Sonja ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:14:00 AM EDT I'm am so very sorry but so very proud you are big enough to do this. Those two children are beyond lucky to have you in their lives.

You will be missed, deeply and I hope you can find a private place where you are write and share without any worry, any fear. Everyone deserves that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

K DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:44:00 AM EDT Oh no! That is awful (and incredibly scary!). I am continually dismayed that there are people who use their energy like that. I am so sorry. I have enjoyed reading your words and thoughts. If you decide to do something private, please keep me in mind. I wish you and your family the best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

~vee DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:07:00 AM EDT Wow. I can only echo the sentiments of everyone that posted before me...Why do some "adults" spend so much time spewing ugliness to others? You're right though, you've not been beaten. You are only out-smarting/out-thinking the immature. ~vee ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

myrelish DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM EDT Like many others, I am a frequent lurker (a nice friendly one, not a crazy stalker) on your site and have enjoyed the read, laughing and crying along with you. I am saddened, angry and more than annoyed to think that someone could take such a beautiful and personal space and ruin it.
Take care of yourself and your beautiful family,
Del in Australia ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:54:00 AM EDT I will miss reading your funny and honest entries, however your family is MORE important, like you said!! We will miss you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

CelticBuffy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:28:00 AM EDT I understand and respect the decision to stop. I am anonymous as there are people on the edge of my life who would take whatever they could to use to hurt me. I'm glad that things were focused on you and your husband and not your child. Not that I'm glad any of this happened. My thoughts are with your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:31:00 AM EDT I am really going to miss you!

I am so very sorry that you had to endure that. I understand and respect your decision. Your family absolutely comes first.

I hope to find you again in the future.

I am so sorry! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:37:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry, Marty.

Keep in touch, OK?

xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Trish DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM EDT I have been lurking your blog for quite some time now. While I am sad I will no longer get to read about you and your beautiful family, I totally understand the reasons behind your decision. If anyone were to come after my family I would do whatever it takes to protect them.
Good luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM EDT Oh, I am so sorry. I am completely outraged for you. And I understand why you are doing this. I will miss you here. Please let me know if/when you open up shop elsewhere.

I am going to miss reading about you and your life. I really will.

Best of luck! Love! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bree DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 12:20:00 PM EDT Oh wow. I just got back to blogging and now this. I totally understand, though. It's partly why I stopped blogging for months. I am now back with all new names and places. I just felt that blogging is such a good outlet for me, but I must remain anonymous.

Take good care. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 2:55:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry Marty...I love your blog and think the world of you.

I hope one day you will be able to return to blogging; and I am so proud of you for making this decision.

Your children and your husband are some of the most lucky people I know.

~NicoleB ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 5:13:00 PM EDT This is one of those times when you've got to do what you've got to do. Good for you for choosing the right thing. I'll be seeing you elsewhere, but missing you horribly here.

Perhaps one day this person will realize that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. You don't let it make you sour.

Best wishes finding a spot to exercise your fingers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 5:40:00 PM EDT I hope you find your safe spot for a new online nest. But I am glad to know you have other avenues to express yourself. I'll miss it here.
~C ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

3 Bundles for Me DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 7:33:00 PM EDT Oh, I am so sorry. I don't think I have ever commented, but wanted to say how sorry I am you went through that. That is my fear about putting myself out there.

You will be missed.
Good Luck!
Sarah ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

spacemom DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:52:00 PM EDT I am sorry this happened. I am furious that someone would take the opportunity to hunt you down like that.

UGH

I understand for safety.
You have my email: but here it is again: thespacemom at gmail dot com

Please let me know when/if you blog again ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:04:00 PM EDT I will miss you here.

(This SUCKS.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:23:00 PM EDT I know this decision was not made lightly. I hate that it is one you have had to make. I am so glad that I found you before this happened and that I will continue to know you because of it.

I guess all I can say is... I'm sorry this happened. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:30:00 PM EDT I hate that it's come to this. I will miss this blog. A lot. But I won't miss YOU cause I know where to find you. And I will stalk you in a very good way. I may show up on your doorstep as well, but just to smother Bird with kisses. :-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:02:00 PM EDT I will miss you so so much in the blogosphere. I have enjoyed every post. You are one of a kind; it is easy to see why your sweet nature, generous heart, and life full of love would cause someone great jealousy. See you where I see you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Unkempt Mommy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:16:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry that you have to do this, Marty. It makes me so sad/mad for you and it really sucks that you are having to give up something that is dear to you because of someone who cannot act like a mature adult. I hope you do find another little spot on the web someday....someplace where you cannot be harassed. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kami DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 3:16:00 AM EDT Totally understand this, I just made mine private (about a month ago) and it's because of people I know...not the people I don't. I will so miss reading about you and your family. And whoever showed up must be completely obsessed to do that, wtf? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 6:58:00 AM EDT Floored and almost in tears that this happened to you! OMG!

I would still love to come see you in spring! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nancy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 9:20:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry. Some people really, really suck.

Thanks for sharing so much of your life on this space so far. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:00:00 AM EDT How awful that someone would be so crazy and spiteful. I read often although I don't comment very frequently, but I will miss your posts for sure. You are certainly making the right decision for your family, although you will be missed here. Good luck! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

The Laundress DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 12:40:00 PM EDT This does not make me happy. It makes me sad. And scared. And doubtful of why we blog in the first place.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now.

Just know, you have left a mark on my heart through your blog and I will follow you anywhere you write. So, if you do decide to move on somewhere else, please remember to let me know where I can find you again.

JJ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 12:50:00 PM EDT i'm going to miss you and your words.

don't be a stranger, my love. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lauren DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 4:05:00 PM EDT I've enjoyed reading your blog and watching Little Bird grow.I found you through Toddlerplanet. I hope you find peace and can start writing again someday. So glad the situation didn't turn out even more scary than it did. Blessings to you and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

TheMusingMommy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 5:30:00 PM EDT I'm so bummed to read this. What an unfortunate situation. But, totally understand. I have enjoyed your posts very much, and really appreciated your thoughts on motherhood and the like. I will miss checking in here! Good luck, and I hope the situation gets better. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Michelle Lynn DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 9:46:00 PM EDT Will miss you. I'm so very sorry you have to give up the space you have poured so much of yourself into. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:09:00 PM EDT Wow - I'm so sorry. That just sucks. We'll miss you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:51:00 PM EDT So sad, but I do understand. I remember the day after my son was born and there had been a baby kidnapped from the hospital. I told my husband that night that for the first time in my life I thought I understood how someone could commit murder. If someone were going to hurt my son I would probably try..... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 4:29:00 PM EDT Wow, that is so hard. I'm sorry and so angry that someone would try to hurt or harass your family. Take good care now, and I'll be thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 7:42:00 PM EDT I have been missing your voice here and just clicked over to see, if by chance you had posted anything and read this. I am so sorry to hear about this. When you emailed, I thought about joking that Liam Finn must have put out a restraining order on you for stalking him but I see that this in no joking matter.
You may be signing off of Don't Take the Repeats, but no one can take your words - your voice. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM EDT I'll miss you! I lost a baby, and then had one in Jan 08. I felt connected to you. I am so glad you are taking care of you &your family.

Amy ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kendra DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 7:57:00 AM EDT I'll miss checking in on you everyday. Being a lurker, you might know that I was here, but I loved your site. Best of luck to and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:23:00 AM EDT Dude. I miss you already. I wonder how long I'll keep coming here, wishing that you were here too? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:53:00 AM EDT I too an anonymous but stumbled on your blog because of the music aspect and have been enjoying your humor and insight into life. You are a wonderful mom and wife, musician and blogger, and I hope that some day you can return to blogging. Don't let the actions of an obviously unsetteled person run something wonderful like this. You will find a way to return bigger and better, perhaps become a speaker at the next Blogher about internet stalking.

Deb ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

No Minimom DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 2:15:00 PM EDT This is horrible news! I'm so sorry she is doing this to you. How cruel to take away this special space from you.

I think you are doing the right thing though. If I were in your shoes, I would go totally password protected so you can still have your space with people you feel safe sharing that with.

I'm so so sorry you have to put up with this horrid behavior. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 4:12:00 PM EDT Oh, sweetie... I'm just shattered that this has happened to you and your family.

Keep in touch, okay? Know that I am here, thinking of you.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 5:38:00 PM EDT So sorry you've had to do this :(

The one messing with you has to have some pretty bad karma. She thinks life isn't fair to her, but she's brought it all on herself.

{{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 10:51:00 PM EDT I, too, will miss you. You were the very first blog I ever subscribed to. Your words (and songs) were (and are) beautiful.

Best wishes are attached to this comment.

You're smart to protect what truly matters most. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

catcjk DATE:Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM EDT Marty,
Life never ever goes the way you want it to go.
You are you. You are fabulous. It's time to stand up to your psycho husband's ex-wife stalker lady (I'm so sorry you have to endure her) and let her know you are unperturbed and unafraid of her.
You know you will ALWAYS leave your son in a safe haven. You need not fear. She will never get to him because you make good choices.
Call the police if she continues to harrass you. She needs to understand the current situation and get the he** out of town.
Closing your blog is admitting defeat. NEVER let the crazy stalker woman defeat you. Be brave and continue. You are dealing with ONE crazy lady and hundreds of friends.
Hugs, moi ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

TinaGirl DATE:Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 8:24:00 PM EDT We will miss you and the wonderful stories of you, your husband, your children and friends. We will miss your insight and love, frustrations and accomplishments. We will miss you, Canape. I wish you well.

Tina Mickelson
http://thesortasinglemom.blogspot.com ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FishyGirl DATE:Monday, September 22, 2008 at 2:29:00 PM EDT I lurked here forever, it seems, and then I got caught up in life and now I'm checking back in, and this. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. You're making the right decision for the circumstances, but I will miss you. Do please let me know where you are if you start up again. You can find me at my place or at DC Metro Moms. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica DATE:Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 9:22:00 PM EDT I'm just now, very slowly, coming back into the world of the healthy and living... I am shocked an dismayed to hear that "she" would even attempt to do such things to you and Guy. Although shocked maybe is the wrong word. People really don't shock me anymore...
I am sad to see you go, but give you so much credit for leaving. You are a very brave woman... Leaving it all behind. We love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

whymommy DATE:Friday, September 26, 2008 at 7:42:00 AM EDT I just can't believe the blog is gone.

I miss it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sarah DATE:Friday, September 26, 2008 at 10:30:00 AM EDT I'm sorry that this happened to you. I am glad that I knew you here. And I know that grief over the end of a blog is just as real as the flesh and blood people who read and comment. You have touched my life, and I wish you the best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

becky @ misspriss DATE:Saturday, September 27, 2008 at 12:23:00 AM EDT Oh, I am so very sorry sweetie. That is just so unfair.

If you ever need an outlet and would like to do a guest post (even anonymously) you will always have a spot at my place. I mean that.

Big hugs to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at 5:03:00 AM EDT Email. Me. Details and dirt. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Wednesday, October 8, 2008 at 2:36:00 PM EDT Still missing you.

xoxoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

J from Ireland DATE:Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 8:00:00 PM EDT Oh my God, how awful. That makes me feel sick. Sorry to see you go. The very best of luck to you and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

THE GRAMMARPHILE DATE:Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry that some big jerkface has made this necessary. Best of luck to you with everything. And don't stop writing...even if you just keep it totally private, for your eyes (or your family's eyes) only. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Holli Seitz DATE:Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 1:21:00 PM EDT I enjoy reading your blog and thought you might be interested in an upcoming invitation-only webinar for bloggers being held by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It will focus on ways you and your family can protect yourself against the flu, and will be held on December 2 from 2-3 p.m. EST. Please save the date and watch for your official invitation e-mail from hseitz at cdc dot gov. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Tuesday, November 11, 2008 at 1:08:00 PM EST I am so very sorry this happened to you. And so very sad that you won't be blogging anymore. I'd been thinking of you and wondering how you've been, and how your little man is. I really loved reading your blog.

Wishing you all the best and that karma will give the person who terrorized you a swift kick! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Monday, November 17, 2008 at 11:34:00 PM EST I am publicly calling you out, M. (and hoping I spelled "publicly" right) Are we men? Are we MICE? Nay, we are MUSICIANS!!1!1!

Don't be a puss. Get back on the horse. That's an order, civilian.

MSgt Cliffie ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Please sir can I have another? DATE: 8/11/2008 09:35:00 PM ----- BODY:

No posts. When there are no posts, there is usually too much to say and not enough freedom to say it.

My throat physically closes when I am overwhelmed. It aches. I'm choking back so many of the things I want to, need to, say that my throat aches and feels as if I couldn't get a poppyseed down it.

I used to be able to turn to writing at that point. I suppose I still could, but this has become a shared place. A place where I respect those who come to read, and a place not to air all my distress. I think I am alright with that, because I do love the company.

But I'm quiet these days. My feelings have been hurt over and over again. So much so that I took to beating myself up last week. Kevin pointed it out. I had never noticed it before.

He asked me why I get so down on myself. Why do I claim to be such a failure, and believe it to be true?

Although I had never considered it before, the answer was easy.

I put myself down because if I'm low enough already, then people can't knock me down any further.

Pain management. Sadistic pain management.

It's true though, that I thought I mattered more to several people in my life. I thought that I meant more than I did. Coming to realize I was wrong has been a kick in the gut.

We talked about going back to therapy. Then we talked about what our therapist would tell us.

Focus on the positive.

Live in the now.

Don't give away your power.

Write a letter to every single person who has hurt you lately.

Well, I don't have time for that. Nor do I have the energy. And there goes my throat again. Closing up. Trying to silence me.

It's more comfortable being quiet. It's not that I like to brood, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell someone they have hurt me because it would end up hurting them.

Maybe there's a pill for that.

Labels: My Life, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Monday, August 11, 2008 at 11:35:00 PM EDT I am so very sorry that you're hurting.

I understand what you mean about being quiet because you just don't want to talk about and hurt others. I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

Thinking of you ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

SaraMaria DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 3:32:00 AM EDT I'm the same way, with the throat closing thing. I just can't find the words.
Or the energy. Someone once told me to write a letter to myself.
I haven't tried that yet.
Good thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kathy DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 6:05:00 AM EDT I used to be able to turn to writing at that point. I suppose I still could, but this has become a shared place.

De-lurking to say I so understand what you mean here. Just today I deleted something I'd written, heartfelt as it may have been. It just wasn't meant to be shared. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 7:51:00 AM EDT I wish I could of helped or could help istead I was a convo whore huh? The cell phone is always on and I have the duct tape at hand.

Hugs to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Marshamlow DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 9:54:00 AM EDT I hope that writing this down has made you feel better. I have trouble telling people that they have hurt me too. but, it does usually work. I mean you get a chance to hear their perspective of the situation and you find out that it was not because they don't adore you but because of the craziness in their own head. You get to see that their life is full of pain and self loathing too and that their bad behavior is due to the fact that they have screws loose and not because of the fact that you are not their priority.

Hope you feel better soon. If all else fails hit something with a pillow. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Spacemom DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 10:53:00 AM EDT Sometimes, self deprecation is the cure for others putting you down.

Sending you some hugs. I have been where you are and hope you can move forward ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM EDT I wish I could hug you. Virtual hugs. I'm sorry you are hurt. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM EDT I'm sorry, sweetie. I hope this passes soon for you. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Rosie : ) DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 5:28:00 PM EDT Sending our best thoughts your way.

Even if you were to not publish what you write on your blog, simply writing it down might be enough?

{huggles} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 11:52:00 PM EDT I hate that you are feeling this way. I think you are a wonderful mother and you can't let other people make you feel down. Keep up the good work...raise your child and enjoy your life. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

becky @ misspriss DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:42:00 AM EDT oh, goodness. i've been there. had people i consider close friends do something that hurt a lot. made me feel like i valued our friendship a lot more than they did.

look, readers will be here to support you. if you need to be sad & mopey, be sad & mopey for a bit. get it out of your system so you can move on. this is your place to do that.

unless it's just too personal to air out here, and i completely get that. maybe you don't have the energy to write it down on paper. but try to do even a little bit. 1 page. 2 pages. 3 pages. just enough to give you some relief so you can move past it.

just because a therapist would tell you those things doesn't mean that you don't still need to give a voice to your hurt. don't dismiss yourself that way. what you're feeling now is important to YOU. and that's what matters.

sending great big hugs to you, chica.

becky ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 7:27:00 AM EDT I hear ya. At risk of hijacking your comments, I'll just leave it at that.

{{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 9:31:00 AM EDT I know what you mean about the throat closing up - and how there are some things that can't be aired on the blog.
I hate that you are hurting. I'm sending you virtual hugs, as are all your other friends here. I want you to know too that you are welcome to live, in-person hugs as well. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather DATE:Monday, August 18, 2008 at 4:16:00 PM EDT What an amazing post. It just reasonates. At times, its like you just want to go "blah" and have it all come out but that knot in your throat keeps it from happening or maybe its just that we don't even know where to begin.

I've recently took to trying to write and find that I delete or never finish it. Lola is so right. Get whatever you can out. It might help, it might not but at least you are not letting it control you and bottle up inside. Writing it out is about what you feel. Maybe by doing so, it will help you confront those that don't take you into consideration. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Whatever it takes DATE: 8/06/2008 11:55:00 AM ----- BODY:

There are things I didn't understand until I became a mother.

How I could function on so little sleep.

How going shopping would turn into passing by the women's section to check out the sales on baby clothes first.

How being done with work and home at night to bathe and put my baby to bed would be the highest priority of my schedule. Every single night.

That regardless of how career minded I might have been in the past, the fact that so many of my students have graduated or quit this year? Just means that I have more time with Bird now. And I'm happy about it.

I didn't understand that my life would change to accommodate his. I honestly thought that I would fit the baby into my life as it already existed.

You can stop laughing now.

My friend T has been my only friend with children. I have watched her children grow and listened intently to the things she has said about parenthood. Most of the time, I would nod and agree, but often, I wouldn't really understand.

For instance, there is a fear of choking. She watches her little ones eat carefully, making sure that the bites are the right size. Making sure that they chew and swallow. Making sure that they aren't left with something in their mouth that might choke them.

I didn't understand why, even if I did believe her and feel that she was justified in her motherly worry.

Then, a few nights ago, I gave my little Bird a Cheerio.

He put it in his mouth, squinched up his nose, and was quiet. He didn't make chewing motions or swallowing motions. He didn't make any sound either.

My heart leaped into my throat as I reached to pick him up and save him from choking.

My heart was faster than my legs, and by the time I had stood, he was gurgling and cooing at the Cheerio he had spit back out of his mouth.

It was a split second, but that was all it took for me to connect with that fear and understand all of the things that T worries about with her kids. They turned from things I knew to things I understood.

What I don't understand yet is how I can lose my patience with Bird when he is just a baby. I don't get why it upsets me so when I try to put him down after having rocked him to sleep and as soon as I let go of his sleeping body, his eyes pop open, he flails over onto his back, and begins to wail.

I don't mean a little wah-wahing. I don't mean some "I don't want to sleep here, please pick me up" tears. I mean full out, panic mode, red in the face, gasping for breath, unable to focus wailing.

He can't seem to stop. Leaving him there for five minutes? Only heightens it and makes it worse. Simply letting him lay in his crib and stand there with him? Only heightens it and makes him mad on top of it all.

So we do this. Rocking to sleep and then into the crib. Over and over again. My shoulders and back ache from the holding and the rocking. My one good nipple is sore from the hours he has been latched on in the past day and night and day. My patience is gone.

I lose my temper. I tell him "no," as if he is doing it to be a naughty baby. I leave him to go try and calm down, closing the door behind me not gently at all and going into another room to let out my own wailing.

Reason pounds through my head in bullet points.

He is just a baby.
This isn't manipulative.
There is something behind his clinging.
Maybe he has gas from the cheese I ate.
Maybe he is teething.
Maybe the painter man who he whimpered at earlier scared him and he doesn't want to be alone.
I will figure out why later and hate myself for losing patience.
There is always a why and no such thing as a bad baby.
I am an adult and should act like one.
I wanted this more than anything.
Is it so wrong that he just needs me to hold him right now regardless of the million mile list of things I have to get done?

No. There is nothing more important on my list.

I walk back into the room and pick up my child. I'm still shaking from how much the wailing has worked me into a frenzy. I look at him sternly and call his name. He looks at me and fat, wet tears roll down his face. Pushing past my frustration, I kiss him, hold him, rub his head, nurse him, sing to him.

I sit long past the time he passes out in my arms, snoring softly. And I wonder about myself. I wonder why I have to go around that horrific circle of impatience, anger, frustration, and selfishness just to get back to where I started? Back to understanding that he needs me and loves me just as I need and love him?

Rocking him. Holding him. Nursing him. Is it really such a bad way to spend an afternoon? Or from 4:00-6:00am if that be the case?

I don't travel around the circle often. Honestly, I think it is hormonal. It hasn't happened in a few months - ever since I felt like the postpartum hormones were leveling off. Then yesterday I welcomed my period back into my life. Joy. And today? I'm feeling edgy. Frantic. Impatient.

Instead of a Midol, I'm having a beer.

Maybe I'm a terrible mother after all, but Bird is now sleeping peacefully, and I'm feeling up to attacking that list now.

Whatever it takes, some days. Whatever it takes.

Labels: Bird, On parenthood, Stupid Me, Things I Should Keep to Myself

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 2:41:00 PM EDT So not a terrible mother!

I used to feel that way, too. That frustration at my baby. Sometimes I still do. I think it's normal. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we have to step back or out for a moment. And sometimes we need to drink a beer or a glass of wine.

You're doing great! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 3:16:00 PM EDT Hey, pour me a beer too while you're at it and we'll clink our glasses to those moments of mommyhood where we ask ourselves, "What have I gotten myself into?!" And know that we wouldn't change a thing.

Cheers!

And by the way, sounds like little Bird is reaching the age of separation anxiety - He understands that sleep is a separation, that he is a separate person from you. A scary realization for such a little person but once he gets it that you will come back and be there when he wakes up, this phase too will pass. Also note, understanding this, doesn't make it easier or less frustrating when what you really need/want is a moment to yourself and to do other tasks that require two hands. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bobbie DATE:Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 9:44:00 PM EDT Would it help you if I said that I KNOW I had days (and nights) like that, but now that my boys are 17 and 15 (tomorrow!), they're distant memories?

At the end of every day when my kids were little, if they were safe and warm in their beds, and I hadn't killed anyone, it was a successful day.

I'd also add up the total amount of time I was a screaming maniac, and decide that three minutes out of a 24 hour day was not bad.

You're doing a great job. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

becky @ misspriss DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 12:14:00 AM EDT We all get frustrated. Most of the time my little guy cries himself to sleep. Sounds like your little one is the opposite - crying winds them up instead of winding down.

As long as you recognize that you're getting impatient, and consciously work to stop it, I think you'll be fine.

I have to remind myself, too, that I wanted this so badly even though I knew it would change everything about my life. And I'm happy I did, but it doesn't always smooth out the rough spots.

Becky (misspriss) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

TheMusingMommy DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 2:04:00 AM EDT Oh so true...I go through the exact same motions at times. It's so frustrating!!

But take heart in knowing that you're not alone. I'm glad you shared this -- I had a "bad mommy" day yesterday, and when I read this today I thought, "Oh phew! I'm not the only one."

Bobbie...you make some great points as well! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 8:10:00 AM EDT I was able to access your site today!!!!

Anyway, I so vividly remember going over in my head the multitude of reasons to explain my wee babies' crying.

I still question things.

The impatience! Oh yes. I felt so cruel feeling anger and annoyance towards A BABY.

And BOO on the periods return. BOO.

Ps. I drank beer when I breastfed. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

mamma knows DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 4:49:00 PM EDT Hardest job on earth, hands down. Your doing great, and we all feel like that at some point. I was just getting some of my freedom back and whooops I had another, they are 18, 15, and 3. My full time job is them...I love it, but it is hard! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Beth DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 5:03:00 PM EDT I could have written that post myself, though not quite so eloquently. But, there are many a days where I feel the exact same way and react in a very similiar fashion. You're a wonderful mama and we all have our limits. We can only do the best we can. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 10:56:00 PM EDT I've so been there (am there?) but I'm sorry it's a rough stretch right now. It will pass, things will be better. In the meantime, enjoy that beer.

PS- I always chalk the crying refusal to go to bed up as teething b/c you never can tell when that's happening. I know I've done it a million times and Linus only has 7 teeth. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Friday, August 8, 2008 at 2:37:00 PM EDT Wow. You brought me to tears. What an amazingly brutally honest heartwarming post. All at once, yes.

Nice to hear you got a beer at the end though. I think you needed it.

Missed you while on bday break. Nice to be back. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Rosie : ) DATE:Sunday, August 10, 2008 at 8:20:00 AM EDT Wonderful post. Thank you for being yourself, honest and unforgiving with your opinions.

You are a good mother, because you care, You'd be an awful mother if you didn't care... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Trish DATE:Monday, August 11, 2008 at 1:21:00 AM EDT Hang in there - you are doing fine. There is nothing that can describe these things we feel and go through with our babes. You are a musician - stands to reason your offspring are going to be sensitive too. I had exactly the same thing with my eldest son- the breastfeeding to sleep, the frustration when he would wake and scream when trying to put him down. I ended up just sleeping him with me, but even that had its frustrations.And the figuring out how to play guitar with him in the sling for the school concert so he slept instead of screaming. That beautiful son of mine turns 18 this month and still doesn't sleep but is still my gorgeous boy and intelligent and YES independent. One day you will sleep again - keep doing what you are doing - its all good ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

THE GRAMMARPHILE DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 12:43:00 AM EDT You seem like a wonderful, caring mother--the kind of mother I would want to be were I a mother myself. Don't get down on yourself for feeling frustrated. You can think whatever you want, no matter how much you don't like the thoughts you think--and you don't deserve to feel guilty for such thoughts. I've found it's best to judge people on how they act, not how they feel--and your actiosn show that you're a fantastic mom. Hang in there! :) ----- --------