AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Keeping Up DATE: 1/27/2009 09:51:00 PM ----- BODY:
I've been able to keep up with Marty and know that she had a baby. Her ex-husband realized that everything was for the best when he heard about it.

I can't quote that. It's a second hand conversation that a former friend had with a current friend of mine, and I don't even remember exactly what she told me. But that line keeps playing through my head in one form or another.

This person, a person who violently ejected himself from my life, is able to keep up with me. I don't know how. I don't know why. I do wish that he wouldn't. I do wish that he cared as little about me and what is going on in my life as I do about him and what is going on in his life. When you rip apart a relationship the way he did, you move on.

At least I do.

He is friends with my ex. Hence the information that the birth of my child gave my ex some sort of cosmic peace about our divorce. I'm so thrilled. Good for him.

This is, of course, the same man who announced to me after years of dicking around with no career but plenty of school loans - and I can quote this one, because I will never forget it - "Someone should just give me a job."

His lack of follow through, his inability to live up to promises made, his stagnant lifestyle, all of these things were things he could control. Things he could have changed. Things he could have grown out of. Instead, he is choosing to find peace in our divorce because he is sterile and now I have a child.

Whatever helps him sleep at night.

However, I am in no mood to sit back and just let him be the victim anymore. He got a bum lot in life, not being able to have kids. I signed on for that bum lot with eyes open. We agreed that we wanted a family. Adoption is hard and costly and impossible when one of you quits their job and "goes back to school" right when you finish the application.

His choices, made long before I left him, should give him peace about the divorce. Not having to live with me anymore, as I had become a very unhappy, very mean person, should give him peace about the divorce. Being given a "get out of jail free" card to officially renig on every promise he made and couldn't keep should give him peace.

I will never understand why people wallow in the past the way they do. I guess I do it too in some ways. I mourn friendships that have played out. I get disappointed when people I trusted let me down.

But I don't seek out the people who have hurt me. I don't Google them. I don't continue following their lives. I have a switch that I can turn, and I simply don't care anymore. I'm not sure that's a good thing. It's most certainly a survival tactic. For someone whose feelings get hurt as easily as mine do, it's a must. Mend the wound and prevent it from being reopened.

Besides, how smart is it to continue to immerse yourself in the life of someone who you know doesn't care about you? It's not smart at all. It's stupid to continue to watch from the sidelines, whether you are watching to see them fail, watching wistfully, or watching out of some sick curiosity. It's only hurting yourself.

Someone, more than one person actually, sent me the link to my ex-husband's blog. It's easy to find if you know the name of the band we had back in Mississippi. I don't go there though. It's his space, and I made a very clear legal decision that I don't wish to share space with him anymore. In theory, I wish him well and hope he's alright. In reality, I barely remember him.

And the people who used to be friends? Those wounds have lost their scabs and earned their scars. I don't wonder about them. I don't ask about them. It's done. I consider myself cleansed of some nasty toxic relationships.

Yet they still "keep up." Amazing. I am so not that interesting. Really.

Labels: , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Beautifully Unique DATE:Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 6:01:00 PM EST What is it with exes keeping up? My ex sil called a few months ago out of the blue and mentioned that she had heard about me having a baby. We don't even share friends, why ya snoopin?

I nominated you for an award on my blog. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Spacemom DATE:Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 12:42:00 PM EST First, I am sorry about your loss... I've been unable to keep up with my blogs lately.

Second, some people still cling to what they have lost (your ex is that person). They fail to be able to move forward. Why? I don't know. Maybe there was something there that he is afraid of moving from.

But you don't have to let him bother you.

Hugs.... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Monday, February 2, 2009 at 9:50:00 PM EST Whoa. Hell hath no fury like...M@rty. :D ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: The coda and cadence DATE: 9/14/2008 01:00:00 AM ----- BODY:
This blog is where I became who I am.

My marriage began during this blog.

My first baby lives only in these pages now.

I became a mother here in these words. First a stepmother. Then the mother of a baby that would never be held. Then Little Bird's mother.

It's where I have made too many friends to link to, but you know who you all are.

My words will stay here. They won't be taken down. But they won't be added to either.



This will be my last post.



I have been of the belief that it was perfectly fine to write about personal things here. To talk openly about my son and my husband. To give whoever wanted it a glimpse into our lives. Internet privacy wasn't a huge concern for me. I knew that whatever I posted was fair game and that if I didn't want something known, that I shouldn't put it on the internet.

However.

I had only considered the consequences of nasty crazy strangers who don't know my last name, where I live, or how to find me.

I never considered the consequences of people that know who we are and where we live.

By posting about going to the Liam Finn concert, I opened the door to let someone show up to that event and harass us. I also gave them a completely open window of time when they knew that my son would be home without me. Thank God they chose to come to the club and not our home.

That was the most irresponsible thing I have ever done in my entire life.

I will not repeat that mistake.

And to make sure, I will not be using this space any longer.

Maybe there will be another space someday. Something private with passwords. Something that the people I have grown to love here can still share with me.

For now though, I need to put the keyboard down. Stop feeding them. Stop giving them access into our lives. Stop pretending that they are inconsequential in our lives. We don't know that, and because of that unknown, the safest thing for me to do it to stop.

I feel like I have just ripped my fingers off and thrown them on the ground. My heart feels like I punched myself in the chest a dozen times. My gut is turning and begging me not to be bullied. Not to give in.

But it's not about that.

It's not a situation of "being beaten" or "giving in."

It's a situation of I love my son and my husband more than the air that I breathe and the life that I have.

And I should have been protecting them all along from someone who wishes them nothing but harm and ill will.

I am so very sorry, Darling.

You all know how to find me. Email will remain the same. At least for awhile. I hope you will stay in touch, and let me know if you would like to be informed of a new safe space in the future.

V7 and I.

We're done.

Labels: , , , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 1:03:00 AM EDT Oh Marty, I am going to miss this space. But, I will see you elsewhere.

I am angry, upset, and completely taken aback that someone could be so brazen, and frankly, immature. This person needs to stop acting like a child, and put her child first. Doesn't she see that she looks like a fool?! I am so sorry that you and your family have to deal with the continual onslaught of abuse from that person. Hopefully it ends soon.

Again, I am so glad that she focused her negativity on you and Guy that night, instead of going over to the house. OH MY GAWD, there would be hell to pay. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bobbie DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 6:23:00 AM EDT I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we live in a world where people (grownups!) behave the way they do. Do what you need to do to protect your family.

I've enjoyed reading about you and Little Bird.

Best of luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 7:42:00 AM EDT Oh, I'll miss you. We've never met, of course, but I checked in on you every day.
Best, best of luck in life. Enjoy that husband and yummy baby.
I will think of you,
Cari in NY ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nita DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:06:00 AM EDT Oh Marty, I am going so sorry that you have to go through this. I understand taking whatever measures necessary to protect your family.

I will miss you dearly but look forward to maintaining contact in other ways. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sonja DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:08:00 AM EDT Marty, I am so sorry it had to come to this! I know this space means a lot to you and you worked really hard to get it where it is...
But you are doing the right thing by not feeding the evil anymore!

HUGS

Sonja ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:14:00 AM EDT I'm am so very sorry but so very proud you are big enough to do this. Those two children are beyond lucky to have you in their lives.

You will be missed, deeply and I hope you can find a private place where you are write and share without any worry, any fear. Everyone deserves that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous K DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:44:00 AM EDT Oh no! That is awful (and incredibly scary!). I am continually dismayed that there are people who use their energy like that. I am so sorry. I have enjoyed reading your words and thoughts. If you decide to do something private, please keep me in mind. I wish you and your family the best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous ~vee DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:07:00 AM EDT Wow. I can only echo the sentiments of everyone that posted before me...Why do some "adults" spend so much time spewing ugliness to others? You're right though, you've not been beaten. You are only out-smarting/out-thinking the immature. ~vee ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous myrelish DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM EDT Like many others, I am a frequent lurker (a nice friendly one, not a crazy stalker) on your site and have enjoyed the read, laughing and crying along with you. I am saddened, angry and more than annoyed to think that someone could take such a beautiful and personal space and ruin it.
Take care of yourself and your beautiful family,
Del in Australia ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:54:00 AM EDT I will miss reading your funny and honest entries, however your family is MORE important, like you said!! We will miss you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous CelticBuffy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:28:00 AM EDT I understand and respect the decision to stop. I am anonymous as there are people on the edge of my life who would take whatever they could to use to hurt me. I'm glad that things were focused on you and your husband and not your child. Not that I'm glad any of this happened. My thoughts are with your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:31:00 AM EDT I am really going to miss you!

I am so very sorry that you had to endure that. I understand and respect your decision. Your family absolutely comes first.

I hope to find you again in the future.

I am so sorry! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:37:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry, Marty.

Keep in touch, OK?

xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Trish DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM EDT I have been lurking your blog for quite some time now. While I am sad I will no longer get to read about you and your beautiful family, I totally understand the reasons behind your decision. If anyone were to come after my family I would do whatever it takes to protect them.
Good luck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:31:00 AM EDT Oh, I am so sorry. I am completely outraged for you. And I understand why you are doing this. I will miss you here. Please let me know if/when you open up shop elsewhere.

I am going to miss reading about you and your life. I really will.

Best of luck! Love! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bree DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 12:20:00 PM EDT Oh wow. I just got back to blogging and now this. I totally understand, though. It's partly why I stopped blogging for months. I am now back with all new names and places. I just felt that blogging is such a good outlet for me, but I must remain anonymous.

Take good care. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 2:55:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry Marty...I love your blog and think the world of you.

I hope one day you will be able to return to blogging; and I am so proud of you for making this decision.

Your children and your husband are some of the most lucky people I know.

~NicoleB ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 5:13:00 PM EDT This is one of those times when you've got to do what you've got to do. Good for you for choosing the right thing. I'll be seeing you elsewhere, but missing you horribly here.

Perhaps one day this person will realize that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. You don't let it make you sour.

Best wishes finding a spot to exercise your fingers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 5:40:00 PM EDT I hope you find your safe spot for a new online nest. But I am glad to know you have other avenues to express yourself. I'll miss it here.
~C ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous 3 Bundles for Me DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 7:33:00 PM EDT Oh, I am so sorry. I don't think I have ever commented, but wanted to say how sorry I am you went through that. That is my fear about putting myself out there.

You will be missed.
Good Luck!
Sarah ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous spacemom DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 8:52:00 PM EDT I am sorry this happened. I am furious that someone would take the opportunity to hunt you down like that.

UGH

I understand for safety.
You have my email: but here it is again: thespacemom at gmail dot com

Please let me know when/if you blog again ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:04:00 PM EDT I will miss you here.

(This SUCKS.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous @sweetbabboo DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:23:00 PM EDT I know this decision was not made lightly. I hate that it is one you have had to make. I am so glad that I found you before this happened and that I will continue to know you because of it.

I guess all I can say is... I'm sorry this happened. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 9:30:00 PM EDT I hate that it's come to this. I will miss this blog. A lot. But I won't miss YOU cause I know where to find you. And I will stalk you in a very good way. I may show up on your doorstep as well, but just to smother Bird with kisses. :-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Daily Verses DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 10:02:00 PM EDT I will miss you so so much in the blogosphere. I have enjoyed every post. You are one of a kind; it is easy to see why your sweet nature, generous heart, and life full of love would cause someone great jealousy. See you where I see you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Unkempt Mommy DATE:Sunday, September 14, 2008 at 11:16:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry that you have to do this, Marty. It makes me so sad/mad for you and it really sucks that you are having to give up something that is dear to you because of someone who cannot act like a mature adult. I hope you do find another little spot on the web someday....someplace where you cannot be harassed. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kami DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 3:16:00 AM EDT Totally understand this, I just made mine private (about a month ago) and it's because of people I know...not the people I don't. I will so miss reading about you and your family. And whoever showed up must be completely obsessed to do that, wtf? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 6:58:00 AM EDT Floored and almost in tears that this happened to you! OMG!

I would still love to come see you in spring! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nancy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 9:20:00 AM EDT I'm so sorry. Some people really, really suck.

Thanks for sharing so much of your life on this space so far. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:00:00 AM EDT How awful that someone would be so crazy and spiteful. I read often although I don't comment very frequently, but I will miss your posts for sure. You are certainly making the right decision for your family, although you will be missed here. Good luck! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous The Laundress DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 12:40:00 PM EDT This does not make me happy. It makes me sad. And scared. And doubtful of why we blog in the first place.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now.

Just know, you have left a mark on my heart through your blog and I will follow you anywhere you write. So, if you do decide to move on somewhere else, please remember to let me know where I can find you again.

JJ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 12:50:00 PM EDT i'm going to miss you and your words.

don't be a stranger, my love. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lauren DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 4:05:00 PM EDT I've enjoyed reading your blog and watching Little Bird grow.I found you through Toddlerplanet. I hope you find peace and can start writing again someday. So glad the situation didn't turn out even more scary than it did. Blessings to you and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous TheMusingMommy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 5:30:00 PM EDT I'm so bummed to read this. What an unfortunate situation. But, totally understand. I have enjoyed your posts very much, and really appreciated your thoughts on motherhood and the like. I will miss checking in here! Good luck, and I hope the situation gets better. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Michelle Lynn DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 9:46:00 PM EDT Will miss you. I'm so very sorry you have to give up the space you have poured so much of yourself into. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Magpie DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:09:00 PM EDT Wow - I'm so sorry. That just sucks. We'll miss you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Monday, September 15, 2008 at 10:51:00 PM EDT So sad, but I do understand. I remember the day after my son was born and there had been a baby kidnapped from the hospital. I told my husband that night that for the first time in my life I thought I understood how someone could commit murder. If someone were going to hurt my son I would probably try..... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 4:29:00 PM EDT Wow, that is so hard. I'm sorry and so angry that someone would try to hurt or harass your family. Take good care now, and I'll be thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 7:42:00 PM EDT I have been missing your voice here and just clicked over to see, if by chance you had posted anything and read this. I am so sorry to hear about this. When you emailed, I thought about joking that Liam Finn must have put out a restraining order on you for stalking him but I see that this in no joking matter.
You may be signing off of Don't Take the Repeats, but no one can take your words - your voice. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM EDT I'll miss you! I lost a baby, and then had one in Jan 08. I felt connected to you. I am so glad you are taking care of you &your family.

Amy ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kendra DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 7:57:00 AM EDT I'll miss checking in on you everyday. Being a lurker, you might know that I was here, but I loved your site. Best of luck to and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:23:00 AM EDT Dude. I miss you already. I wonder how long I'll keep coming here, wishing that you were here too? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 10:53:00 AM EDT I too an anonymous but stumbled on your blog because of the music aspect and have been enjoying your humor and insight into life. You are a wonderful mom and wife, musician and blogger, and I hope that some day you can return to blogging. Don't let the actions of an obviously unsetteled person run something wonderful like this. You will find a way to return bigger and better, perhaps become a speaker at the next Blogher about internet stalking.

Deb ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous No Minimom DATE:Wednesday, September 17, 2008 at 2:15:00 PM EDT This is horrible news! I'm so sorry she is doing this to you. How cruel to take away this special space from you.

I think you are doing the right thing though. If I were in your shoes, I would go totally password protected so you can still have your space with people you feel safe sharing that with.

I'm so so sorry you have to put up with this horrid behavior. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 4:12:00 PM EDT Oh, sweetie... I'm just shattered that this has happened to you and your family.

Keep in touch, okay? Know that I am here, thinking of you.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 5:38:00 PM EDT So sorry you've had to do this :(

The one messing with you has to have some pretty bad karma. She thinks life isn't fair to her, but she's brought it all on herself.

{{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 10:51:00 PM EDT I, too, will miss you. You were the very first blog I ever subscribed to. Your words (and songs) were (and are) beautiful.

Best wishes are attached to this comment.

You're smart to protect what truly matters most. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous catcjk DATE:Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM EDT Marty,
Life never ever goes the way you want it to go.
You are you. You are fabulous. It's time to stand up to your psycho husband's ex-wife stalker lady (I'm so sorry you have to endure her) and let her know you are unperturbed and unafraid of her.
You know you will ALWAYS leave your son in a safe haven. You need not fear. She will never get to him because you make good choices.
Call the police if she continues to harrass you. She needs to understand the current situation and get the he** out of town.
Closing your blog is admitting defeat. NEVER let the crazy stalker woman defeat you. Be brave and continue. You are dealing with ONE crazy lady and hundreds of friends.
Hugs, moi ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous TinaGirl DATE:Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 8:24:00 PM EDT We will miss you and the wonderful stories of you, your husband, your children and friends. We will miss your insight and love, frustrations and accomplishments. We will miss you, Canape. I wish you well.

Tina Mickelson
http://thesortasinglemom.blogspot.com ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FishyGirl DATE:Monday, September 22, 2008 at 2:29:00 PM EDT I lurked here forever, it seems, and then I got caught up in life and now I'm checking back in, and this. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. You're making the right decision for the circumstances, but I will miss you. Do please let me know where you are if you start up again. You can find me at my place or at DC Metro Moms. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jessica DATE:Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 9:22:00 PM EDT I'm just now, very slowly, coming back into the world of the healthy and living... I am shocked an dismayed to hear that "she" would even attempt to do such things to you and Guy. Although shocked maybe is the wrong word. People really don't shock me anymore...
I am sad to see you go, but give you so much credit for leaving. You are a very brave woman... Leaving it all behind. We love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Friday, September 26, 2008 at 7:42:00 AM EDT I just can't believe the blog is gone.

I miss it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sarah DATE:Friday, September 26, 2008 at 10:30:00 AM EDT I'm sorry that this happened to you. I am glad that I knew you here. And I know that grief over the end of a blog is just as real as the flesh and blood people who read and comment. You have touched my life, and I wish you the best. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous becky @ misspriss DATE:Saturday, September 27, 2008 at 12:23:00 AM EDT Oh, I am so very sorry sweetie. That is just so unfair.

If you ever need an outlet and would like to do a guest post (even anonymously) you will always have a spot at my place. I mean that.

Big hugs to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at 5:03:00 AM EDT Email. Me. Details and dirt. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Wednesday, October 8, 2008 at 2:36:00 PM EDT Still missing you.

xoxoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous J from Ireland DATE:Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 8:00:00 PM EDT Oh my God, how awful. That makes me feel sick. Sorry to see you go. The very best of luck to you and your family. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous THE GRAMMARPHILE DATE:Saturday, October 18, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry that some big jerkface has made this necessary. Best of luck to you with everything. And don't stop writing...even if you just keep it totally private, for your eyes (or your family's eyes) only. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Holli Seitz DATE:Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 1:21:00 PM EDT I enjoy reading your blog and thought you might be interested in an upcoming invitation-only webinar for bloggers being held by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It will focus on ways you and your family can protect yourself against the flu, and will be held on December 2 from 2-3 p.m. EST. Please save the date and watch for your official invitation e-mail from hseitz at cdc dot gov. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lisa DATE:Tuesday, November 11, 2008 at 1:08:00 PM EST I am so very sorry this happened to you. And so very sad that you won't be blogging anymore. I'd been thinking of you and wondering how you've been, and how your little man is. I really loved reading your blog.


Wishing you all the best and that karma will give the person who terrorized you a swift kick! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Monday, November 17, 2008 at 11:34:00 PM EST I am publicly calling you out, M. (and hoping I spelled "publicly" right) Are we men? Are we MICE? Nay, we are MUSICIANS!!1!1!

Don't be a puss. Get back on the horse. That's an order, civilian.

MSgt Cliffie ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: You must have the wrong number DATE: 7/06/2008 02:29:00 PM ----- BODY:
Usually when our phone rings, I check the caller ID before answering it. If it is Wife #1, I don't answer. Not because she has demanded this of me, but because I don't have anything to say to her, and I know she's not calling to talk to me. Plus, getting screamed at isn't high on my list of things to do.

Today though, she and Kevin were going around about something or another when she started saying ugly things about me to him. When that happens, he simply hangs up the phone. Then she calls back. And calls back. And calls back.

To those of you who have tried talking to me on our home phone: That is the purpose of our incredibly crappy voip service. Because we used to have to track how many times she would call after being asked to stop. Well, that, and for recording her voice messages. They are real treats, let me tell you.

Usually I don't care what's going on with the phone and those two. Kevin will take as much as he wants and then cut it off. He's a big boy and can handle himself.

What I do care about is the phone ringing time and time again while our baby is trying to take a nap.

So I answered it. I told her politely that the baby was sleeping and that she needed to quit calling at this time.

I doubt that she heard it though. I doubt that she heard anything for the yelling she was doing, telling me that she would like to speak to her husband.

The last time I answered the phone and she screamed at me that she would like to speak to her husband, I was snarky and told her she had the wrong number. Because the only man in at this house was my husband.

Today, I simply hung up after telling her that the baby was asleep.

Snarky used to be amusing. People who are so easily riled are easy targets. I learned that growing up with a big brother who loved to tease and was really good at it. The less reaction I gave, the less fun he had. Wish I had learned that before he convinced me of the toilet monster's existence.

Now, it's just sad. Not in a pity sort of way, because I wouldn't waste good pity on such a subject.

Or perhaps she did hear me. Because she hasn't called back.

I'm thinking that it has little to do with my request though, and far more to do with the simple fact that I answered the phone. In my own home. Heaven forbid that I ever do that again.

For right now, I'm just enjoying the silence and the fact that Bird is still snoozing away undisturbed.

Labels: , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 4:24:00 PM EDT Wow. Calling an ex-husband and referring to him as a "husband" to his wife? That is bold. And a weird little power play that she can't possibly win. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous No Minimom DATE:Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 5:25:00 PM EDT Isn't there something you can legally do to stop her from harassing you guys like that? That's just ridiculous. Give it up and get a life already, Ex. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 7:01:00 PM EDT KD - There would be if she was still harassing us. That's why we keep good phone records.

Really though, she calls very rarely. This is the first time in a long time that she has had an 'episode.'

It is ridiculous, isn't it? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 11:42:00 PM EDT I'm glad to hear that this is the first time in a long time but still...my goodness!! That's terrible!! I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

I'm glad she stopped calling and you're so right about the snarky comments and people like that! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Monday, July 7, 2008 at 5:51:00 AM EDT Up here in the Great White North, we have a service available from our telephone company (which is Bell Canada) called "Call Privacy". I can block all calls (so that our phone doesn't ring), or block specific phone numbers all of the time (great for telemarketers, and, no doubt, for ex-wives...) Whenever a call is blocked, the caller is played a relatively polite message from the phone company, informing them that "their call is not welcome at this time". It is basically a far more polite "f-off" than I could ever dream up.

I wonder if you might have something like that available through your phone company? If not, it sounds like it would be worth switching servers for... I have found it to be worth every penny I pay for it.

Good luck, Sweetie. Thinking of you!

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Monday, July 7, 2008 at 9:19:00 AM EDT ridiculous, indeed.

oy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Monday, July 7, 2008 at 11:44:00 AM EDT I must say, I think you have a better attitude about this than I would. Telemarketers are bad enough but geez, it doesn't feel good to be harassed in your own home. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous TinaGirl DATE:Tuesday, July 8, 2008 at 2:14:00 PM EDT I think that she is a little messed in the head which is why your man is your man and no longer HER man. How hard for you and how strong of you to take care of business and not falling into her trap. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 12:54:00 PM EDT What a psycho. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: I'm friends with her ex DATE: 5/02/2008 10:22:00 AM ----- BODY:
Bird and I went downtown yesterday. We went to close a safety deposit box, to vote early, and to go up to the floor where my old office is and visit people. He was a big hit, of course, and I got to eat lunch with a friend who I see far too infrequently.

My friend and her husband have been talking about selling their house and moving closer into the city. They have been talking about this for years, actually. I asked her how the house hunt was going and she had a story to tell me.

They had been to an open house in the neighborhood of a couple who my ex and I went to church with. Turns out, Ann was at the open house with her two boys and recognized my friend. At first, they couldn't place where they knew each other from, but finally figured out that it was through parties at my old house when I was married previously.

My friend mentioned to Ann that I had just had a little boy.

At this point, it would be interesting to note that when I was married to my ex, I spent more time with Ann and her husband than my ex. I was the one that Ann called franticly one night needing to meet and cry out her pregnancy hormones over her husband to someone. I was the one who taught Sunday School with Ann. I was the one they could count on to be there for them. My ex, as always, was the comic relief.

So, my friend mentioned to Ann that I had just had a little boy. She replies to this fact that she didn't know that, but that they were friends with my ex. That was sort of a conversation ender.

Ann was the one I called when the first adoption possibility fell through. It was her kitchen table that I sat at and wept. She was the one I turned to when I first split with my ex.

I knew that she and her husband had chosen him over me a long time ago. After I met her and told her the news, I didn't hear from her again for awhile. My phone calls weren't returned, and I honestly was too busy and too stressed out to think about why.

When we finally got together several months later, I learned the answer. She and her husband had become my ex's new caretakers. Over dinner, she told me that I didn't need to worry about him. They had helped him get his life together and he had a solid plan to move forward.

I sat across from her with food, unchewed, clogging my mouth. Which is better than the alternative spewing that could have easily occurred.

After I chewed and swallowed, I put my fork down, placed my napkin on the table, and I said,

"Congratulations. You have accomplished something with him that I tried for 10 years to do. Why don't you get back to me in a year and let me know how far he's progressed on your little plan."

Then I asked for the check. While we waited, I told her that I was with someone and really happy. She wanted to know if I still wanted to have kids. I told her that I most certainly did. Then she said that she really wanted to see me pregnant because she just knew I would hate it like she did.

Time and time again, I look back on the choices I made for friends before I met Guy.

All I can say is that my self-esteem must have sucked complete donkey balls.

I mean really? Who says those kinds of things to someone who has been to the line for you? Someone who called you a friend?

There were casualties of friendships after my divorce. I'm not sorry about it, because they were friendships that obviously needed to end anyway. The ones that thrived on the part of me who never thought I deserved to be loved.

But some days, sometimes, it just stings when I hear that someone like Ann couldn't even be happy for me and my child. I thought that we had been friends. I trusted her enough to share the down and dirty part of adoption with her, and now that I finally am a mother?

She's friends with my ex.

Congratulations, Ann. It doesn't take a lot of effort to be friends with someone who so easily makes you feel better about yourself. That's the comic part.

You like him out of part pity, part relief that he isn't your husband. I know this, and I forgive you because it's sad that you need that in your life. I hope that one day you are happy enough to not need that crutch anymore.

In the meantime, I guess I can be glad that she has made me even more thankful for the couple of friends who stood by me and the new friends I have made.

Or I could quit trying to find a damn silver lining for everything and just allow myself to be sad about it for a little while. That's probably not a bad idea.

Labels: , , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Friday, May 2, 2008 at 11:56:00 AM EDT There have been friends in the past, that I hung on to for so long, although deep down I knew the friendship wasn't right. But, I felt like I was a "bad friend", by giving the friendship up. I think, that we need to realize that sometimes it's healthier to part ways.
And, it's not just limited to friendships- sometimes it's other relationships, and marriages as well.
I think you made the right choice by moving on. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Friday, May 2, 2008 at 12:52:00 PM EDT She sounds like a very small person.

And you, Canape, are most certainly NOT.

As my father says, "Good riddance to bad rubbish!"

Feel better soon-- xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Friday, May 2, 2008 at 5:22:00 PM EDT I think personally, she ate her brain for breakfast. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Friday, May 2, 2008 at 5:44:00 PM EDT Thanks for sharing that. I too once had a friend that I was so very close to and had to cut lose because of her inability to be there for me. You see, I was date raped by a boy we both knew. Years later, when I tried to talk to her about it - she told me she didn't believe me. That is the last time we spoke. I know I am better off but it was a loss just the same. Ann doesn't know what she has lost in you because she is too small-minded to see. Too bad for her! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous DC DATE:Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 12:33:00 AM EDT Debris in the road, sister. You look up, can't avoid it, run over it, and wince at the awful sound it makes banging underneath your car. You hold your breath - hoping that everything is okay and praying that you won't start leaking oil. After a few more seconds that seem like hours, you glance back only to realize that the crap you ran over is getting smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror as you move on down the road. . .

The whole eating her brain for breakfast works for me too, by the way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 10:34:00 AM EDT It is natural and normal to mourn the loss of friends when they chose one over another in a couple break up.

In this situation, I think you'll get over it quick. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 12:19:00 PM EDT "Congratulations. You have accomplished something with him that I tried for 10 years to do. Why don't you get back to me in a year and let me know how far he's progressed on your little plan."

Am I rude if I laugh thusly?

BWWAAHAHAHAHAHA


You probably got painted as a ruthless careerist slash baby-fever-havin' type at the expensive of your marriage and all that's sacred and holy, amen.

Three points here.

1) You know the truth.
2) STEVE knows the truth.
3) God must have been looking out for both of you, because he gave Steve a set of well-meaning caretakers, and you the hubs/family you'd always wanted.

p.s. - #1 and #2 don't matter much in the face of #3

Hugs, kisses, & rock n' roll-

Rude, er Cliff ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Saturday, May 3, 2008 at 3:07:00 PM EDT what Clifford said, including the bwaa haa haa. you're good in the moment.

and yeh, i have/had a friend who picked the ex too. i think she actually thought she might marry him herself, mostly to do what i couldn't with him.

sigh. be sad. and then when you're done, you may find that that whole door is just closed and doesn't hurt much at all. i hope so. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Imstell DATE:Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 1:25:00 PM EDT No regrets. It's all a lesson to learn from and move on. I've found that about every 7-10 years Daddy-O and I each go through some sort of friendship culling. It's necessary life-maintenance.

We know people for a time/period of our lives, they fit, we mesh. Circumstances change. We change. Life moves on. Those friendships that used to be the most beautiful flowers in our garden are now just weeds choking back the new growth.

You shouldn't wonder about your past self for having her as a friend. She fit in your garden. What you should wonder, is why her garden still looks the same after all this time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Sunday, May 4, 2008 at 6:29:00 PM EDT Her loss. There's a lot I could say but I'll leave it with that. Her. Loss. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Monday, May 5, 2008 at 9:46:00 PM EDT You are too good. I love the donkey balls!!! I've done the same thing with friends in my past...you made a good choice to move on & move up. ----- -------- AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Adding to the staticstics with me DATE: 4/10/2008 08:15:00 PM ----- BODY:
I am such a dork. The days when Christopher doesn't nap, I long for a respite. I want for him to go down so badly, just so I can cook something or type with two hands for a moment.

Now? He's been asleep for almost 2 1/2 hours, and I desperately want him to wake up. I miss him.

An old friend came over for dinner tonight. She and her husband are splitting. They have two little girls - twins who are almost five. It is not easy for her now, putting it mildly.

We met because my ex-husband and I used to play in a band with her soon to be ex. Our then husbands were cut from the same cloth really, except I always thought hers had more drive. Hell, a broken down tractor had more drive than my ex. The four of us used to do things together, but had drifted apart through the many changes in our lives.

Our dinner conversation was interesting. Her soon to be ex-husband has a girlfriend. My friend and I talked some about how she deals with the fact that this woman will be in her girls' lives. Coming at it from a stepmom's perspective, I think she will handle it very well.

No two situations are ever completely alike though, and I don't know this girlfriend. What I do know is that if she is smart, she will never try to fill the role of mother for these girls. Daddy may have a new wife, but the kids don't need a new mother. It doesn't work like that. My friend is confident enough that she isn't threatened, and she wants for her girls to be happy and like this woman no matter how she feels about her. I'm really proud of her.

Looking back on our marriages, we both felt like we were holding everything together on our own. I didn't have children, so it was easier to let go when I finally realized that was an option. For my friend, she wanted her family to stay together, and I understand that. What I saw on her face tonight though, was the same happy-sad relief I remember, when she talked about how much easier it was on her own. I understood that.

She was there for me so many times when I was desperately trying to have a family with my first husband. She was so supportive.

I really hope that I can now return the favor. She deserves to be happy. Facing this new life, she especially deserves to be happy.

And maybe I'll miss her ex from time to time because we used to be friends. But I remember how it felt when all of my friends except one dumped me for my ex. The martyr. The fun one. The one who needed more help. Her ex will be just fine without me as a friend.

I'll be standing by C and reminding her of how strong she is and cheering her onto the happiness that she deserves.

Labels: , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Thursday, April 10, 2008 at 9:50:00 PM EDT And this is why I love you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Monday, April 14, 2008 at 8:07:00 AM EDT Kudos to your friend. That is one tough decision. I am glad you saw that look on her face.

You are an awesome friend. ----- --------