AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Living within the lines DATE: 8/29/2008 09:09:00 PM ----- BODY:

There are fine lines between optimism, realism, and pessimism. I wrestle with which lines I will live within all the time.

I am aiming for optimism with a few toes over the line in realism.

It works most of the time. Sometimes it lets me down. Like when Kevin and I were first looking at houses. I was insistent that we needed a guest bed and bath on the first floor for when my parents came to visit us. I didn't want them climbing stairs all the time during their visits.

They aren't coming to visit anymore. They cannot.

My dancing around in optimism land had made me not realize that. It didn't dawn on me that their visit in June was their last visit here.

Now that Momma has started chemo again, I find myself trying so desperately hard to remain optimistic. One thing that has helped that is that I know that the better I am at handling it, the easier it is on her. I didn't understand that until I was a mother. But I understand now that one of the hardest parts of her illness is knowing how much her children hurt for her, and for ourselves.

So I keep my foot, at least one at all times, across the line of optimism. It is all I can do some days to plant it there, but I want to be hopeful.

Hopeful for one more birthday.

One more Christmas.

One more New Year.

Little Bird's first birthday.

And as we pass each milestone, I'll dig my heels in a little more to hope for another.

Because like Andrea, the late Punk Rock Mommy said, "I am not “dying”. I am living with a terminal illness that eventually I will die from." Momma knows this statement well.

Momma is still living. I know it is hard, or rather I can only imagine how hard, to take the chemo again and again. But I'm so grateful for every extra day it gives us with you.

And I am hopeful that we are talking about many many many extra days.

I am so grateful for our trip to BlogHer this year, and for pictures like this.
Little Bird and his Nana.

Labels: Cancer, Family, Gratitude, Grief, Momma

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:14:00 AM EDT You said it.

And really ... isn't one day at a time the only way to live?

Whether we're looking forward or looking back, we really only do have that day under our control.

Best to you and your Momma and Daddy. (G-Daddy!) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jen @ a journey of hope DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:34:00 AM EDT i could have written this post myself, however much less eloquently... esp. the being a mom and knowing how much it hurts our children to see us hurting... so hard. i am trying to live within the lines too, right there with ya. much love. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 8:24:00 AM EDT Momma will always be with you. Much love, many thoughts and even more prayers my friend. I don't even pretend to know how you feel but I am always just a phone call away. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 10:50:00 AM EDT What a beautiful picture.

I've read your Mom's blog a few times and I am always in awe of her total and complete trust in God and faith. It is so inspiring to me, as is her strength.

It really is all about one day at a time and taking what that day brings in the best way possible. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Saturday, August 30, 2008 at 12:30:00 PM EDT Oh Sweetie, I hear you. Sometimes you wonder who is putting the brave-front up for whom.

Here's to living life - one memory at a time. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Unkempt Mommy DATE:Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 7:43:00 PM EDT I love that picture. And your attitude. {{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Sunday, August 31, 2008 at 11:48:00 PM EDT What a hard time in life it is. You are much more graceful than I could be. Big hugs to you and your family! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Andria and Co. DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 1:46:00 AM EDT Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. But, I am sure that there will be many many more days of love and sunshine with you, the grandparents, and all those two beautiful kiddos under your roof.

BTW, I found you a house... ;)
http://andria-and-co.com/2008/09/01/house-hunting-for-friends/ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 3:04:00 PM EDT Oh hon. It's hard, so hard. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Monday, September 1, 2008 at 3:13:00 PM EDT it's hard when you realize belatedly that the last time really WAS the last time.

but...one day at a time is really all any of us can count on, we just generally aren't forced to face it all the time.

best of luck to your Momma. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 7:07:00 AM EDT I agree... Your mom is always in my prayers and in my thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sarah S. DATE:Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 12:57:00 PM EDT Your words touched me greatly! I am a mom with cancer and I worry for my girls everyday. One day at a time, live life for the little things that God gives us, little blessings everyday. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Friday, September 5, 2008 at 10:21:00 AM EDT It must be so hard. You have such a beautiful attitude, but it must be so hard. I wish you mom success with her chemo. I'll send good thoughts her (and your) way. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 12:53:00 PM EDT How beautifully put. ----- --------