AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: In which we take the mall by storm DATE: 3/25/2010 03:08:00 PM ----- BODY:
I don't frequent the mall. Most of my shopping is done online for now. Of course, most of my shopping is for two small boys. My clothes, at least the ones that aren't maternity clothes, are all three years old if not much older.

Yesterday, I had a shirt from Gymboree that I needed to return because the sleeve fell apart the first time I washed it. I figured it would be easier to just pop by and swap it out at the store rather than mailing it and all. I also wanted to get Bird some Crocs for the summer, so I had two reasons to go. I always have to have at least two reasons to go to the mall.

I dropped Bird off at preschool. Squeak and I headed to Crabtree. On the way there, I realized that we didn't have any money in the account. Kevin was in a meeting and couldn't make the transfer. I didn't want to go home because I was almost there and dang it - I had worked out my day so carefully. So I called Momma and walked her through (she has the patience of a saint, I tell you) transferring money online for me. Crisis averted. Ha.

Squeak and I returned the shirt and wandered over to the Crocs store. Did you know there was a whole store of Crocs? Do we really need that many different kinds of Crocs? And are there really enough adults still wearing them to warrant an entire store? Apparently so. Who knew?

Anyway, I found some navy blue Crocs for Bird and went to check out only to find that I had no debit card. No way to pay. I wasn't sure what I was more upset about - losing my debit card or having my shopping day ruined.

By the time I got home, I remembered that Kevin had taken my debit card to use at the ATM. It wasn't lost, so I was free to just be annoyed that my shopping trip was ruined.

All of this to SAY, we went back to the mall last evening as a family. We left the mall with more questions than purchases.
  1. When did the mall become the place for strippers to shop?
  2. Okay, so that was harsh. How about this: When did the mall become the place for 14 year old girls who want to look like strippers to shop?
  3. How come I can't find anything between Ann Taylor and Target that I might possibly want to wear?
  4. Why does our Food Court have two Greek restaurants, but yet there doesn't seem to be one decent one outside the mall?
  5. When did stores stop taking checks? Like at all?
  6. Is it ever possible to get past the hair straightening kiosk without one of those women chasing you down with a blazing hot iron? As in, I'm wearing my infant child, so no, I don't want you to sample your burn maker on me.
  7. When did everything get so expensive?
  8. When did I get so old?
By the time we were done eating dinner and shopping, we had come to some clear realities about ourselves. We are old. We are cheap, but with expensive tastes. We are more crunchy than 99% of the people at the mall. We probably shouldn't go back anytime soon.

It's true. We really should avoid it for awhile. Considering that some of the highlights included Bird's gDiaper leaking a river, causing us to let him go pantless for the rest of the trip AND Squeak needing to nurse in the middle of Ann Taylor, but Bird needing to go to bed, so I compromised and got Squeak latched on in Ann Taylor and then just walked through the mall to the car while nursing Squeak and trying to get Bird to quit screaming . . . well, let's just say we created a bit of a scene.

Bird: no pants and very loud.
Squeak: latched on and grunting.
Me: half a boob hanging out and mei tei dragging along behind me.
Kevin: stroller, diaper bag, and all purchases hanging from each arm.

Crabtree will never be the same.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Magpie DATE:Thursday, March 25, 2010 at 7:09:00 PM EDT I think you've nailed why I don't go to malls. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Unkempt Mommy DATE:Thursday, March 25, 2010 at 7:25:00 PM EDT I love this post. I feel the same way.

Plus, I always leave the mall feeling even more overweight than I am because of all those tiny stripper-esque teenage girls and matching mannequins in the windows of their favorite stores...which incidentally is EVERY store at the mall these days. We have one of those hair straightener kiosks with stalker sales people at our mall too! Crazy!

Hooray for online shopping! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Convertible Girl DATE:Sunday, March 28, 2010 at 10:15:00 PM EDT Ugh. Am with you all the way. And totally love that departure image ;) Glad you all survived! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marketing Mama DATE:Monday, March 29, 2010 at 2:54:00 PM EDT Seriously laughed out loud at this post! I think that about the teen girls EVERY time I go to Crabtree (and walk by Forever 21). ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 1:11:00 PM EDT I hate the mall. I will not go unless absolutely necessary. What a great exit you all went for though. LOVE IT! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Melissa (@adventuroo) DATE:Thursday, April 1, 2010 at 8:58:00 PM EDT Those straightener people REALLY harass me since I have curly hair! I love when you ignore them or say "no thanks" they try to get you by saying "can I ask you something?" Like I'm gonna fall for that crap! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jill DATE:Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at 11:39:00 PM EDT I hate the mall. I had to go to a traditional one recently for a birthday party my 5yo was invited to and I was reminded yet again why I hate it. I haven't been in a mall in the last 5 years when I haven't walked out of there (1) skeeved out (b) irritated or (z) sad for civilization. Shop online. Make friends with your UPS man. They're always way cuter than anyone at the mall anyway! :-) ----- --------