AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Twitchy DATE: 12/03/2009 05:17:00 PM ----- BODY:
It's been awhile since I've had a really soul bearing session here. I have to admit, ever since I linked up to Facebook and also found out that not everyone in the blogosphere who claims to be your friend, isn't after all? I haven't been so free to just let it all out here. It's still my space though, and some days, I need to use it like I need to use it. Now is one of those times.

In short, I gots me some issues.

Pregnancy exacerbates the problems. I've thought many times that it's a good thing this is our last baby. I don't think I could do this again.

I have highs and lows that are driving me and poor Kevin crazy. Anxiety and panic attacks. I'm exhausted, but I can't sit still.

The biggest problem is that it comes and goes. I'll have a great week and then an awful week. So just when I convince myself to do something about it, I get better again and forget about it.

Then, I crash.

Lucky for me, I crashed today when I had a midwife appointment. After giving Kevin all sorts of hell before I left the house, I show up for my appointment and have to wait 45 minutes with a toddler at his lunchtime. There was no way for me to hide how upset I was, but instead of just being angry about waiting, something prodded me to just tell her about the crashing. Explain that I was angry at everything, even puppies and sunshine.

When she asked me if I had anything I needed help with today, I believe my exact words were, "Yes. My legs and ankles are really swollen, and I seem to be a bitch, but I don't want to be."

She didn't blow me off or offer me someone to talk to or a pill to take. I liked that. She did mention that it sounded like a thyroid issue and we could do some blood work to check. I liked that too. It felt proactive.

For now, I'm continuing feeding my ridiculous chocolate obsession and have just finished some hot tea with the Rescue Remedy I had stowed away for former foster dogs. I do feel better.

Still twitchy though. And still crying for no reason. And okay, I'm still kind of pissed off at the world when the world hasn't really done anything to me. Most of it anyway. There are a few places where I could be justifiably irritated, but right now I'm too tired to think about it.

Maybe I can sleep straight through until the next high. That would be nice.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mem DATE:Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:39:00 PM EST you are not alone my love- hugs- kevin and walt could probably bond over pregnant wives talk! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lawyer Mama DATE:Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:56:00 PM EST Marty, babe. I was like that with my first pregnancy. It was a freaking nightmare. That's actually how I figured out I was pregnant. I was asking my doctor for a referral to a mental health specialist because I was losing my shit and she made me get a blood test.
Luckily, my pregnancies with H&H weren't like that. At least not as bad. But I hear ya. It's awful and scary. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous @sweetbabboo DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:24:00 AM EST Oh Marty, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a rough spot. I totally hear ya though and I don't have the excuse of a pregnancy. If there's anything I can do to help the twitchy (meet-up, babysit, go out to dinner, etc), let me know. I'd love to help in any way you need.

Take care and be sure to get plenty of rest.

-Abby ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Renee Graves DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:27:00 AM EST Oh My God - you are describing both of my pregnancies. I was not a happy, glowing, pretty pregnant. I love, love, love my kids, but if anyone ever suggested I get pregnant again, I would probably kill them.

Hang in there... it will soon be a distant memory. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 9:20:00 AM EST Stupid hormones. Gestating is hard work and you deserve all the chocolate you want. And maybe some cookies. And lots of hugs. Is there anything I can help you with? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 9:43:00 AM EST That sucks!

Hang in there, and keep talking when you need to! Wish I had something better to offer than a listening ear, but there's always that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 10:56:00 AM EST Pregnancy is hard on a person. Especially if you already have a kid running around. I'm sorry. I'm glad that your midwife responded in a good way. Hang in there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous nikki DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 12:42:00 PM EST I really love the midwives. Even when they're running late. I remember venting and crying to them AFTER I gave birth over how awful a time I was having postpartum. Those pep talks really made a difference, and so did their earnest attempts to help me get to the bottom of/solve issues.

Marty, please go easy on yourself and eat all the chocolate you need! Pregnancy is SUPPOSED to be a roller coaster, at least some of the time, and you should not feel bad about it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Melissa DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 1:02:00 PM EST Ugh to pregnancy hormones! Sorry you're in a rough spot but it's coming to an end soon!

I think another GNO might be in order! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Friday, December 4, 2009 at 1:25:00 PM EST Hang in there buttercup. Love on ya babe! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Convertible Girl DATE:Saturday, December 5, 2009 at 8:12:00 PM EST We still love you over here, even if you do hate our sunshine ;) Plus, I've got all those cold Diet Cokes in the fridge -- just to add a little variety to your chocolate patterns. ----- --------