AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Please sir can I have another? DATE: 8/11/2008 09:35:00 PM ----- BODY:
No posts. When there are no posts, there is usually too much to say and not enough freedom to say it.

My throat physically closes when I am overwhelmed. It aches. I'm choking back so many of the things I want to, need to, say that my throat aches and feels as if I couldn't get a poppyseed down it.

I used to be able to turn to writing at that point. I suppose I still could, but this has become a shared place. A place where I respect those who come to read, and a place not to air all my distress. I think I am alright with that, because I do love the company.

But I'm quiet these days. My feelings have been hurt over and over again. So much so that I took to beating myself up last week. Kevin pointed it out. I had never noticed it before.

He asked me why I get so down on myself. Why do I claim to be such a failure, and believe it to be true?

Although I had never considered it before, the answer was easy.

I put myself down because if I'm low enough already, then people can't knock me down any further.

Pain management. Sadistic pain management.

It's true though, that I thought I mattered more to several people in my life. I thought that I meant more than I did. Coming to realize I was wrong has been a kick in the gut.

We talked about going back to therapy. Then we talked about what our therapist would tell us.

Focus on the positive.

Live in the now.

Don't give away your power.

Write a letter to every single person who has hurt you lately.

Well, I don't have time for that. Nor do I have the energy. And there goes my throat again. Closing up. Trying to silence me.

It's more comfortable being quiet. It's not that I like to brood, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell someone they have hurt me because it would end up hurting them.

Maybe there's a pill for that.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Monday, August 11, 2008 at 11:35:00 PM EDT I am so very sorry that you're hurting.

I understand what you mean about being quiet because you just don't want to talk about and hurt others. I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

Thinking of you ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous SaraMaria DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 3:32:00 AM EDT I'm the same way, with the throat closing thing. I just can't find the words.
Or the energy. Someone once told me to write a letter to myself.
I haven't tried that yet.
Good thoughts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kathy DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 6:05:00 AM EDT I used to be able to turn to writing at that point. I suppose I still could, but this has become a shared place.

De-lurking to say I so understand what you mean here. Just today I deleted something I'd written, heartfelt as it may have been. It just wasn't meant to be shared. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 7:51:00 AM EDT I wish I could of helped or could help istead I was a convo whore huh? The cell phone is always on and I have the duct tape at hand.

Hugs to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marshamlow DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 9:54:00 AM EDT I hope that writing this down has made you feel better. I have trouble telling people that they have hurt me too. but, it does usually work. I mean you get a chance to hear their perspective of the situation and you find out that it was not because they don't adore you but because of the craziness in their own head. You get to see that their life is full of pain and self loathing too and that their bad behavior is due to the fact that they have screws loose and not because of the fact that you are not their priority.

Hope you feel better soon. If all else fails hit something with a pillow. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Spacemom DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 10:53:00 AM EDT Sometimes, self deprecation is the cure for others putting you down.

Sending you some hugs. I have been where you are and hope you can move forward ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 12:17:00 PM EDT I wish I could hug you. Virtual hugs. I'm sorry you are hurt. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Daily Verses DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM EDT I'm sorry, sweetie. I hope this passes soon for you. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Rosie : ) DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 5:28:00 PM EDT Sending our best thoughts your way.

Even if you were to not publish what you write on your blog, simply writing it down might be enough?

{huggles} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 11:52:00 PM EDT I hate that you are feeling this way. I think you are a wonderful mother and you can't let other people make you feel down. Keep up the good work...raise your child and enjoy your life. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous becky @ misspriss DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 1:42:00 AM EDT oh, goodness. i've been there. had people i consider close friends do something that hurt a lot. made me feel like i valued our friendship a lot more than they did.

look, readers will be here to support you. if you need to be sad & mopey, be sad & mopey for a bit. get it out of your system so you can move on. this is your place to do that.

unless it's just too personal to air out here, and i completely get that. maybe you don't have the energy to write it down on paper. but try to do even a little bit. 1 page. 2 pages. 3 pages. just enough to give you some relief so you can move past it.

just because a therapist would tell you those things doesn't mean that you don't still need to give a voice to your hurt. don't dismiss yourself that way. what you're feeling now is important to YOU. and that's what matters.

sending great big hugs to you, chica.

becky ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 7:27:00 AM EDT I hear ya. At risk of hijacking your comments, I'll just leave it at that.

{{hugs}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Wednesday, August 13, 2008 at 9:31:00 AM EDT I know what you mean about the throat closing up - and how there are some things that can't be aired on the blog.
I hate that you are hurting. I'm sending you virtual hugs, as are all your other friends here. I want you to know too that you are welcome to live, in-person hugs as well. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather DATE:Monday, August 18, 2008 at 4:16:00 PM EDT What an amazing post. It just reasonates. At times, its like you just want to go "blah" and have it all come out but that knot in your throat keeps it from happening or maybe its just that we don't even know where to begin.

I've recently took to trying to write and find that I delete or never finish it. Lola is so right. Get whatever you can out. It might help, it might not but at least you are not letting it control you and bottle up inside. Writing it out is about what you feel. Maybe by doing so, it will help you confront those that don't take you into consideration. ----- --------