AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Resigned DATE: 6/09/2008 09:54:00 PM ----- BODY:
My parents are here. I couldn't wait for them to get here on Sunday. My poor momma started being pestered by me about 7:30 AM on Saturday. I started calling to see if they had left yet.

They were still in bed.

Sorry, Momma.

I haven't seen them since January. They arrived the day Christopher was born. I don't remember much of that visit. The whole first month of motherhood is sort of a blur to me now.

It is easy to forget from visit to visit how hard it is to see my daddy for the first day or two. It is easy for me to forget what Parkinson's has done to him.

It is hard not to be sad, and it is hard not to be angry.

Momma said today that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being there to help them or to spend some time with Daddy while it still counts. She reminded me that they chose to go to Tennessee. That's true. I wanted them to come here.

Still though, I feel like I don't have a right to complain. Like I should just be happy for the time I do get to have with them.

I am happy for the time I have with them. I'm so happy my momma is here - I want to let all the air out of her tires and hide her wallet so that she can't ever ever leave.

But Daddy makes me nervous. And I don't feel like a good daughter. I feel impatient and I feel angry that he isn't like he used to be. I want my son to know him how he used to be.

I had to tell Daddy today that I didn't want for him to carry Bird up or down the stairs. That it made me uncomfortable, and as his mother, I needed to make sure that he was safe. Daddy carrying him up and down the stairs isn't safe.

He didn't get mad. He didn't get his feelings hurt.

In a way, I think wanted him to. I didn't want him to be so resigned to Parkinson's that he understood my concerns and gave in so easily. It wasn't like him.

Then again, it was a relief not to have to fight him on it like we did over his car keys a few years ago.

He is resigned to this new way of life I suppose. I should be too.

But some days, I want him to fight harder. I want him to take on Parkinson's like he used to take on ambulance chasing lawyers. And I lecture him on his diet and urge him to exercise and pester him to get more tests and try new drugs.

He's tired I think.

I'm annoying I know.

And Parkinson's isn't a fair opponent. It plays dirty. It messes with his body and his mind. I'm just an outsider, not even with him on a daily basis, and yet I find it appropriate to be trying to force him into giving up refined sugar and caffeine. What the hell do I really know anyway?

He's just tired it seems.

I guess I would be too if I were him.

It's not fair to ask him to fight so hard in a battle where the winner is already determined with the diagnosis. But I wish he would. Fight harder that is.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Monday, June 9, 2008 at 11:36:00 PM EDT I'm so sorry, Canape. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel like you have lost someone, before they are actually gone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 6:22:00 AM EDT I'm sorry this is so hard for you. You are strong though. Hugs and love.. and prayers to you all. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Patience DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 8:35:00 AM EDT But it's his fight to fight in his way. You can't do it for him. Perhaps he's fighting it in a way you can't see. Maybe your father is letting the disease have what it wants, while he's keeping and enjoying what he can. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous HeatherK DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 12:48:00 PM EDT Hoping maybe his 'not fighting' is more about acceptance. It's got to be so hard to watch, to note the differences, to see things he could do slip away. *hugs* ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous @sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 7:40:00 PM EDT I'm so very sorry. Watching family grow older is very hard esp. parents. Enjoy the time you have with them while they're visiting. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amanda DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 10:05:00 PM EDT I was taken completely by surprise how deep my anger went as I began to lose my grandfather.

So sorry. I bet you'll think of him years from now as having waged a fierce battle. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 10:13:00 PM EDT It's such a tough spot to be in, wanting someone to fight and fight hard but knowing they are tired and knowing that they need us to tell them that it is okay to be tired. It sucks and it is also okay to cry.

You are a great daughter, and I am sure your Daddy's proudest accomplishment. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 8:47:00 PM EDT it is so hard to watch someone you love - especially someone who was your strong one, your protector - grow weaker.

i hope Patience is right and he's keeping and enjoying what he can.

but it still has to be heartbreaking to watch. ----- --------