AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Because rock stars love boobies DATE: 6/23/2008 06:30:00 PM ----- BODY:
There weren't many benches at the NAMM show. There were more babies than I expected. And there were 100 times as many tattoos as I expected.

At one point, Christopher needed to eat. He was tired and hungry, but Guy and Lovely were still looking around. No problem, I said. I would just go find a bench, sit down, nurse him, and let him nap in my lap for awhile.

Only there were no free benches.

I thought for sure that if I walked up with a crying baby, parked my stroller next to a bench and stood there for a minute, that someone would get up and offer me a seat.

Not a chance.

My victims were two old dudes who were enjoying their pre-lunch Bloody Mary's. They looked up at me as if my child was disturbing their hangovers with his crying. I turned my back a little more to them so I could aim the wailing more in their direction.

Five minutes this went on. I stood there shushing, bouncing, and rocking my baby, waiting for anyone, particularly the men closest to me, to get up and give me a seat.

It never happened.

So I sat on the ground against the wall, popped out my boobie and started to nurse him.

HOLY HELL! A TIT IS ON THE LOOSE!

Those men jumped up with their drinks faster than if I had poked them with a branding iron. One of them diverted his eyes and asked if I would like to have his seat.

Um, no. I had just gotten settled down on the ground and the baby was finally content and nursing. Had you asked five minutes ago? I would have said yes.

I'm exaggerating a little bit. I didn't exactly pop my boobie out. I have become very discreet at nursing in public. The only reason those men even noticed was because the crying had stopped. It wasn't like I was flashing a big ole milk dripping titty all over the place.

Because Lord knows, showing breasts at NAMM is a terribly distasteful idea.

Oh wait a minute, no it's not.

There were DOZENS of women who were walking around showing more boobage than I was while nursing. Boobs are the number one marketing tool of music merchandise. You know, because they have something to do with guitars?

The only thing, by the way, that boobs have to do with guitars is if you buy an Ovation. The back is rounded, and it rolls up over big boobs leaving you playing it like a levitating steel string guitar. I'm not sure how that would help their marketing though.

But please. PLEASE. Would someone please explain to me why it is alright to show boobs hanging out left and right and up and down when it is to sell guitars, but it is not okay to flash the tiniest bit of breast when feeding your child?

I was going to post pictures as examples and link to some of the companies who use breasts and guitars as phallic symbols as marketing. Then I reconsidered giving them the traffic.

It did feel pretty empowering though, watching all the guys walk by and get all flustered when they realized I was breastfeeding my child. I laughed out loud when one young guy actually asked the hootchie he was walking with if I was allowed to do that in there. Seeing as how I could tell you what kind of wax she had last gotten due to the length, or lack thereof, of her skirt, I don't think she was exactly the person to be asking your questions of appropriateness.

My breasts have always drawn unwanted attention from men. This time? At least the last laugh was on them. I finally don't care who looks at them or for how long. Besides, they are just breasts. What I really don't want you looking at is my belly or the bags under my eyes. So stare away if you like. I'll even tell you what size they are.

They serve a purpose now. A beautiful and miraculous purpose.

And it isn't selling guitars.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Monday, June 23, 2008 at 10:50:00 PM EDT You are SO RIGHT! I'm not sure why I never thought of that before. I'm not against breasfeeding in public but I never even stopped to think about all those women who walk around looking a lot more provocative than a woman feeding her child in a completely natural way!

You totally should have told those old guys that you didn't want their seats but you'd take their Bloody Marys! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 1:06:00 AM EDT Right on!

(Or whatever the hip phrase is now. That sounded so terribly old.) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 10:13:00 AM EDT Rock on with your bad self!

I hate the double standard, also. Seriously- it's okay to flash your boobs on 6th street here, but try to discreetly nurse, wearing a nursing wrap no less, in the mall and you get stares and snickers.

Effers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous @sweetbabboo DATE:Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 2:55:00 PM EDT Hilarious! Sometimes I think it's fun just to upset them. Of course, that's just the mini-revolutionist in me. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kelly DATE:Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 5:48:00 PM EDT Good for you!! I hate that double standard! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 12:47:00 AM EDT M was having her own personal Mardi Gras at NAMM...woohoo! Did the baby get any beads? Le Crewe De Bewb on parade.

I'd like to cast my lone and apparently dissenting vote in that breasteses still have an aesthetic function, even after having children. If a guy stares, it's

a) because he's a guy and is too dumb to realize what he's doing (you gotta realize that seeing a beautiful girl is like throwing a stun grenade at your average guy. Takes us a sec to get our senses back), and

b) he found something worthy to look at. Take it as a compliment. 99% of the time, it is intended as such.

There's nothing wrong with a cute woman showing a little cleavage. It's not like a guy has ever looked at his wife's nice legs and said, "Yeah man, she can climb the HECK outta some stairs with those things."

And M. Girlfriend. About the dress code...you were at the Wal-Mart of career musicians. What kind of clientele did you expect? I do apologize for the decidedly non-chivalrous behavior showed you, baby or no baby. The guys should have been falling over themselves offering you, or any other girl, their seat. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 5:04:00 PM EDT Loved the comment on the chick's skirt - When dressing, one should always look in mirror and ask herself, is this a TMI? Also really loved Clifford's comments. ----- --------