AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: I don't know nothing about no babies DATE: 1/15/2008 06:24:00 PM ----- BODY:
It's not that I'm ready for Bird to come. I'm not sure that I am. I kind of like having him right here with me all the time. I kind of like having him poking at me and squirming about. He is certainly easier to take care of now than he will be in a couple of weeks.

But I'm getting anxious that he is alright. I'm getting anxious that he is out of room. He doesn't move like he used to, and although I know that it is because he can't, I still worry. I still count his movements and give him a gentle rub to make sure he responds. He always does, but I still worry.

My Sil told me that the worry starts when you find out you are pregnant and just continues on forever.

My biggest worry now though, is that I won't know how to be a mom. What if I can't figure out how I'm supposed to love this little guy?

I've never been the nurturing type. The other day, one of my younger students, a sixth grader, was having a meltdown over her least favorite contest piece. Some days, I'll listen, offer a tissue, and try to be understanding. Last week? I just looked at her and told her she would have to wait until after her lesson to cry because we didn't have time to deal with it today. I told her I was sorry she was frustrated, but she just had to pull it together so we could get our work done.

Looking back, that was harsh. She did respond and pull it together, but I find that it is more in my nature to be very matter of fact with children and not at all coddle them. I have always been in the camp of children being little people, not just children.

I believe that the best thing I can teach a child is independence. How to do it themselves. I teach my students how to learn on their own, not how to play each piece. I teach them how to problem solve, not how to recite back a bunch of notes. I want them to grow up to be pianists and musicians who understand on their own what it is they are doing.

I also believe that in teaching a child how to do things for themselves, you instill in them confidence. By telling my students that I believe they can do it on their own, they start to believe it too. And then they can. They can accomplish things on their own simply because someone told them they could and gave them the tools to do it.

It doesn't feel like any of those beliefs or my natural instincts are maternal. It feels like the opposite. I'm anxious that I will expect too much from my child too soon.

He will be helpless.

I haven't dealt with helpless before. Not well, at least. And that makes me more than a little nervous.

I have good support though, and when I talked about this with Guy last night he said,

"You won't be alone taking care of the baby."

He's right. He will be here to help, and he knows what he's doing more than I do. That is a huge comfort.

Just hashing some things out here before they show up in my dreams again.

Last night, I dreamed I had the slipperiest baby ever and that it just slid right on out and I caught him myself.

It was a much shorter dream because I barely slept. Every time I would fall asleep I would immediately wake myself back up again by snoring like a gorilla.

And that makes me want for Little Bird to go ahead and come. Because I'm already exhausted.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stella DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 7:06:00 PM EST He'll be here before you know it!
Your feelings are so very natural. I felt the same way, there are still days I do. But it really just kicks in and it's clear from everything I've read that you're a lot more prepared than you realize!
Little Bird is very lucky to be coming to you! And Guy, too! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anth DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 7:17:00 PM EST I was not a nurturing or maternal person...until I had my daughter. I still have a very hard time being nurturing to anyone but her. Other little kids? They still bug me most of the time. I feel no desire to take care of or hold little babies. Just my own. Maybe that's how you'll be. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 8:18:00 PM EST Oh, sweetie, this post is the exact reason you will rock as a mom.

I've no doubts. Not a one. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous labugga DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 8:20:00 PM EST You'll catch on quick.

Not long now!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Perugini DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 8:22:00 PM EST Being a fellow teacher, please believe me when I say it's VERY different when it's your own child. Your heart grows 3 times when you first see your baby.

And you are more than ready. Trust your instincts. xoxo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennie DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 8:40:00 PM EST Worry is completely normal and understandable. I just know you and Guy will be great parents.

Hope you can get some rest before he gets here. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 9:04:00 PM EST What you explained about your students is exactly why you are going to be a great mother. Your child will be loved, taken care of and be ready when he is older to make it on his own because his parents taught him that. It is so normal to start questioning your parenting skills but trust me..you will be on here after little bird is born to tell us all about this feeling you have for this helpless little baby that you never knew you could feel so strong...it will happen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Wednesday, January 16, 2008 at 12:38:00 AM EST You are going to be an awesome Mom...because you care about being and awesome Mom.

My Dad says you raise kids like dogs and dogs like kids and they all come out fine. He's weird that way. We all know you take awesome care of your furbabies....multiply it by a million or more.

Bird is so lucky to have you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous jennifer DATE:Wednesday, January 16, 2008 at 8:19:00 AM EST You? Not the nurturing type?? I don't believe it. I see "nurturing" in your writing all the time.

It's completely normal to be nervous and having these feelings.

It will all be okay. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Wednesday, January 16, 2008 at 10:13:00 AM EST I have 2, and with each child, I went through this. I was petrified. They're both alive and well.

You will do it great!! :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous ImpostorMom DATE:Thursday, January 17, 2008 at 10:21:00 AM EST While I was pregnant I had two very odd dreams. The first was that we had forgotten to feed Boog and then I dropped him behind the bed.

The second was that I was trapped in the house trying to protect myself and Boog from a tiger roaming around outside. (cause, you know, tigers are native to north Georgia)

Both illustrate the apprehension and fear I had about having him and becoming a mother. Obviously I never forgot to feed him and I certainly never dropped him behind the bed. And tigers, that's ridiculous. The point it that it's normal and although that might not help too much at least you know you aren't alone. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Friday, January 18, 2008 at 8:43:00 PM EST A big heyyooo to my fellow brothers and sisters who snore like gorillas. I am not alone! ----- --------