AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Love for my girlz. All 2 or 3 or possibly 4 of them. DATE: 8/07/2007 07:42:00 PM ----- BODY:
I don't think that self esteem and confidence are the same thing.

Take me in front of a large group, for instance. I have the confidence to stand up before it, speak my mind, field questions, debate issues, or simply represent a cause. I have the confidence to play and sing in front of 10,000 people or with a television camera swooping down on a boom arm inches from my face. I don't lack confidence. I know that people listen to me when I am behind a microphone.

Take me in a large group, however, and not in front of said group, and I become one of the masses. And I know that I am far less interesting and far less worthy of your attention than anyone else in that group.

So why on earth would you want to talk to me?

Well, I usually think that you don't. Therefore, I don't bother you. And I look like a stuck up ass. And I usually don't care. Because you don't want to talk to me anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

Over the years, I have actually practiced working a room and learning how to small talk. I hate it. I would much rather sit down and have a heart to heart with you than chit chat across a bar table any day. But small talk is necessary if you are going to attend social events, so I try.

My strategy is to get people to talk as much about themselves as possible. When they stop talking about themselves, I ask another question. That way, I'm not boring you with me, and you enjoy talking to me, because most people like talking about themselves.

What happens though, is you leave our speed date of small talk feeling good about yourself and not remembering one thing about me. Because I have told you nothing.

This probably explains why I have heard from multiple bloggers about how they wish they could have met me at Blogher, and maybe they can next year. Each of these bloggers are women that I did meet. It is not their fault. I am really that unmemorable in a social setting.

It's alright though. That's where the confidence comes in. Even though I don't believe myself to be someone that most people would enjoy hanging out with, I know that I do a lot of things well. I know that I am a fiercely loyal friend. I know that I am a good musician. I know that I can make a kick ass pound cake and some jump off a cliff for them biscuits (thank you, Momma). I have confidence.

Maybe that's why Blogher didn't really bother me that much. I'm used to having friends without having a crowd. I'm used to being forgotten soon after being met. And I'm used to relying on my own confidence to quickly heal what wounds might occur when I realize that someone doesn't really want to be my friend after all.

These ladies got it right. It was like high school. It was also like being out at a bar for 3 straight days. It was like a sorority party.

There are positives to that though. The relationships that last out of those experiences are invaluable. No matter how hard and not fun the rest of the experience was . . .

In junior high, I met my BFF and we made it out alive together.

In high school, I hooked up with Shelster, and she made all four torturous years worth it.

And in college, I met T, who keeps me grounded and in style to this very day.

Just remember this. The head cheerleader probably married the quarterback and looks back on high school as the best years of her life. I think that is sad.

The bloggers who didn't see anyone standing alone at Blogher weren't looking at you and me. I think they were looking at the lens of a camera, waiting to make the next shot be the one that remembered the actual event as the best part of Blogher. Maybe they were just waiting to come home and write a snarky piece that looks down on anyone who admitted that a huge group of women is sometimes a lonely place to be. I don't know. I didn't look at them long either. I didn't need to.

In all honesty, I loved Blogher. And even better, the best part of Blogher is yet to come I believe. It is the part where I find that I have forged real friendships that will continue on past the posts of parties and pictures. A handful of women who I plan on tucking in my heart for good. Accomplished with no late night parties and about 7 crappy pictures taken on my cell phone.

And that. Is all I have left to say about Blogher. Love to my girlz.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Tuesday, August 7, 2007 at 9:18:00 PM EDT You are tremendously interesting. You are tremendously kind.

And YOU are an amazing friend--totally and completely worth knowing.

Thank you for being my friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, August 7, 2007 at 9:39:00 PM EDT I am drowning from vacation travel and work travel and just seeing this whole string about blogher out there.

I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with you. You were one of the people I went to meet. Then the one time I sat next to you at lunch I was so starved and low blood sugar-ish that all I could do was make multiple trips to the watermelon table.

You are memorable though. Don't sell yourself so short. (You are taller than I thought you'd be!) I wish I could just go out for lunch with you though, you know?! I hate small talk. How can I read your blog and then make small talk with you? It's like ... I already SLEPT with you for crying out loud, you know?! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, August 7, 2007 at 9:41:00 PM EDT You've just articulated (so well!) exactly why I wouldn't have attended BlogHer this year, even if I hadn't had other plans for that weekend.

As for next year...it just doesn't sound like my kind of thing, y'know?

Yes. I think you do know. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous NoMommy DATE:Tuesday, August 7, 2007 at 10:04:00 PM EDT My shyness is usually mistaken for stuck-up-assness too. I just want to yell I'm not snooty, I'm just horribly boring!

But seriously, anyone who reads your stuff knows that you are worth getting to know.

I think that you have the right attitude about it though. I would much rather have a few people that I take with me forever than a palm full of names and numbers that I don't even recognize. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 6:44:00 AM EDT I think you're a pretty intersting rockin person who is way cool that I would love to have lunch with, drinks (you can have iced tea mama to be!)

I'd even offer to BABYSIT if you lived close enough. :) (ask anyone - I don't babysit - usually I run quickly!!)

But I have to say reading your post and the others, I don't think I would ever go to Blogher. Not my cup of tea. I'd rather see someone organize something smaller with just a few people that you REALLY want to meet... I graduated high school almost 20 years ago. I want it to stay there. In the past. I'm too old for that bullcrap now. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 9:23:00 AM EDT Have we been separated at birth?

And you are amazing, Canape. I so wish there were more opportunities for some quiet time. We should've had a coffee/rootbeer date up in the Yahoo lounge. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nancy DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 11:28:00 AM EDT I swore last year that I wouldn't go again. And yet I did. but I'm not a lover of crowds, and it was painful for me. But I don't complain because that's the construct of BlogHer, as I knew it would be.

And if I'm one of the ones who swears I didn't meet you when I actually did -- I apologize. I'm paralyzed by too many people and lose all of my social graces. I'm definitely a small gathering kind of gal. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 2:00:00 PM EDT I found this really interesting. I think, had I gone to Blogher, I would have felt similarly. And I totally get your confidence/self esteem thing.

I, however, do well in groups of 5 or 6 where I can listen to the conversation, occassionally shout out some smartass comment, but not have to talk about myself. Perhaps that is why I blog.

And from what I know about you, and from what you write, I think you would be someone very worth knowing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 2:21:00 PM EDT "So why on earth would you want to talk to me?

Well, I usually think that you don't. Therefore, I don't bother you. And I look like a stuck up ass. And I usually don't care. Because you don't want to talk to me anyway. It's a vicious cycle."

Exactly me. And why I usually have a pile of shredded something in front of me at the end of a social event, each little rip a tiny reminder, "You're just not good enough".

And no sense telling me I am, the part of me that causes the desire to avert my energies to the methodical destruction of bar napkins and beer labels will never, ever believe it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Whymommy DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 5:04:00 PM EDT Perhaps, just perhaps, there's a complement to this? Something between BlogHer and blogging alone?

I don't know what's already happening out there regionally, but I'd love to have some DC gals over for a cozy desert night or some such at some point -- more late-night-talks at the sorority house than the party raging downstairs.

J is right -- small talk? When we know so much about each other already? Phhhhhhblt. Say the word when you want to come up, Canape (and when my levels are ok), and we'll have Mamma and Nancy and Stimey (and ?) over for some mocktails and killer brownies. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 8:57:00 PM EDT Look at all the girlz! Well, you guys rock my socks. Thank you.

And Nancy, I apologize, we did not meet at Blogher, so I misspoke in my post. I am sorry, and I too hope that we get to meet (like really meet and get to talk) next year. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Slackermommy DATE:Wednesday, August 8, 2007 at 11:32:00 PM EDT My words exactly only you write much better. It's really all about perception. Like you I can come off as a stuck up biatch in a large group but get me alone or in a small group and you can't shut me up. I must say that I found you to be VERY interesting and I feel lucky that I got you all to myself for an hour. ----- --------