AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Let's make a deal DATE: 8/02/2007 09:56:00 PM ----- BODY:
There are boxes of my things that my former in-laws have. Four big boxes and one little box. Today, a lawyer from their town called me and asked if I would like to have them delivered. The little one they would ship, and the bigger ones I would have to arrange to have moved by a truck.

I have no idea what is in those boxes.

It crossed my mind that they were filled with stuffed animals and Swatch sweaters. It crossed my mind that they are probably filled with books, old greeting cards, and notes from junior high school. It crossed my mind they might be filled with wedding gifts that we never used.

Then it crossed my mind that I didn't even know I was missing these things. Things from my past. Things I have forgotten. Things that I once thought were important.

I told the lawyer to ship the small box and just dispose of the larger ones.

Will I regret throwing away part of my past without finding out what it was? Will I wonder for years to come what I parted with without giving it a chance? Will I always wonder if the afghans that my grandmother Honey crocheted were in those boxes?

Maybe. But it's just stuff. When you get divorced, you say good bye to stuff. I watched my ex walk out of my house with thousands of dollars worth of dishes, stainless, music equipment, cd's, and whatever else. I knew that he would sell it all. I knew that he wouldn't be throwing any dinner parties with our Ralph Lauren flatware. It didn't matter. It was just stuff.

I didn't want stuff. I wanted a life.

So I said good bye to a bunch of boxes. It felt almost like the lawyer was a game show host offering me the unknown behind curtain number one in exchange for weeks of discomfort. In exchange for me paying to have them moved here. In exchange for a little piece of the peace I have found.

No thanks. I'll pass. But please tell my former in-laws that I said thank you for asking.

I'll be getting a letter from the lawyer documenting our conversation and confirming that I gave my permission for disposal. At first, I thought they really must be scared of me to have to have a lawyer call about some boxes.

Then I remembered that they were scared of my Daddy. I remembered that when they heard he was coming to see me after the ex and I separated, they hired their son a lawyer straight away. They were scared of my Daddy, his knowledge, his record in the courtroom, and his fierce love of his daughter.

What they didn't know was that Daddy got lost in the airport while changing planes on that trip. They didn't know that I had to beg, bribe, and cry to the airlines for them to help me find him on the night he was supposed to come in. They didn't know, and they don't know, how much of him is gone.

Funny though. Sometimes I don't know how much of him is still here. On the day that I think about that, and the day that I spend mourning the losses my Daddy has faced thus far, he is busy defying those losses.

Even on what was a "bad day," he was translating legalese for my momma as she talked to their lawyer concerning my grandfather's estate. Translated the Latin. Explained the processes. Helped guide her through the conversation.

And then he had her email me and suggest that a friend of his go and look in the boxes to see what is there before I make up my mind to get rid of it all. It's an excellent idea. I'm not going to do it, because Guy and I decided over dinner that there was nothing I needed that was worth the hassle of getting it here. But still.

It felt good to find some of him that I thought was gone. I would much rather get parts of Daddy back than whatever was in those four big forgotten boxes.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 6:51:00 AM EDT Good luck with the boxes. I agree with the concept of 'stuff'. Stuff can come and go, but people and love, and family, they are always there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 7:06:00 AM EDT I am curious as to what was in them! I really admire that you and the hubby can talk about exes without having harsh feelings. I have a set of friends, who were both involved in previous marriages, and they cannot mention the ex. Ever. It comes to harsh words, and bitter fights. So, kudos to you and the hubby, for leaving the past in the past, and being able to talk like civil adults about it! You two are soulmates. (btw, I have pregnancy insomnia right now. It sucks. Just to give you something to look forward to....) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 9:20:00 AM EDT I'm glad your Daddy showed up. That must be a great feeling. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Elizabeth F. DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 9:41:00 AM EDT I don't know if I could not know what was in the boxes. I think I'd have a friend go look. I'd want whatever was mine...just so they didn't have it. But, good for you! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 10:29:00 AM EDT We've gotten rid of a lot of "stuff" in the last several years. Moving and life changes will do that for you. Fortunately, the "stuff" your dad is made of cannot be lost or forgotten. You know you made me cry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 11:12:00 AM EDT Lovely post. Really. I don't much care for stuff, myself. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous AcadeMama DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 12:26:00 PM EDT You're bigger than me..I'm a have to know kind of gal. That's gotten me into trouble plenty of times, but I have to know. I have to see with my own eyes. I don't know why that is, but that's just the way I am.

But, seriously oh my God that your Daddy translated Latin in the middle of everything! I just stopped reading right there. That's amazing to me! It just goes to show how much we really don't know about the mind and what happens to it, inside it, as we age. It's great your Daddy still (unbeknownst to him) has some scare power, though! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 3:32:00 PM EDT Good for you, being able to pass on the boxes. I think I'd have done the same. I mean, if you haven't truly needed what was in them in the past year, you don't truly need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 6:19:00 PM EDT Shoot, to have that little bit of you daddy back is much better than any stupid box.
My husband got divorced before I met him and he says he lost everything in "the war," including the house he built by himself. He doesn't care it was worth it to get out. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 8:44:00 PM EDT Stuff doesn't matter-- PEOPLE matter. Those boxes "came up" for a reason... and that reason was to give you this precious glimpse of your dad.

You never have to look inside those boxes to appreciate the gift they gave you.

xo ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 10:22:00 PM EDT Well....it's just stuff. And you're living happier without it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Friday, August 3, 2007 at 11:22:00 PM EDT I wish I knew your Daddy then, I wish I knew him now. He's this person I have created in my head that is just wonderful, although I am not so sure it's created. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lisa DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:16:00 AM EDT This post gave me goosebumps.

You are definitely right. The "stuff" is just stuff. And is it really worth the hassle? And having your daddy back for a bit? What a precious gift. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Whymommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 6:13:00 AM EDT Awesome. Your Daddy is one of the most amazing men I have ever known. And your grandmother one of the most amazing grandmothers -- but you know that, stuff or no stuff.

(And although I do remember those swatch sweaters, I bet the moths have gotten to them by now!)

PS My mother's stuff was all lost "in the flood," as was much of my oldest friend's heritage stuff -- while tragic, they moved past that -- and now refer to it as "LITF," gone, over. But remembered occasionally. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 10:03:00 AM EDT I suspect that the Daddy that you love and know will always be just as such, in his own box of sorts, that you will carry with you always. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Whymommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:29:00 PM EDT P.S. Can I just mention here for a SECOND how BIG your baby inside is getting? I love to just click on over here and watch him/her grow some days!!! 174 days to go... whee! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Redneck Mommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:49:00 PM EDT Made me mist up. Reminded me of my grampa.

I say lose the boxes. If you haven't needed the contents up till now, you won't ever. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 3:02:00 PM EDT just adding to the chorus...good call. what you wanted from that life ain't in those boxes. :)

and Daddy...he really ain't in that body anymore either...he's in you. and part of that is the saddest thing in the world, and part of it, the most lovely.

a great post, Canape. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM EDT ooh, i wonder what's in those boxes.
i don't know if i could just say pitch the boxes, i think my curiosity would get the best of me. but, like you, if you haven't been missing anything, then you're not missing anything. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Slackermommy DATE:Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 8:22:00 PM EDT This post is exactly what makes you so special.Not many people can give up "stuff". ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Kris DATE:Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 2:58:00 AM EDT Your post made me teary. I bet your daddy is an amazing man. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 5:46:00 PM EDT Oh, your daddy. What a special man. I am sorry you only get glimpses of the daddy you used to know, these days.

On a lighter note, I am so in support of your decision to toss those boxes! Power to the tossers! If you didn't miss it by now, you don't need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paige Jennifer DATE:Monday, August 6, 2007 at 1:13:00 PM EDT Great post, lady. And let me just say that last year my mother insisted I stop by her house and take my childhood memory box out of her attic and into my own residence. I sat there on the floor of my old playroom, the chocolate brown shag rubbing against my thighs, and scratched my head in wonderment. There was a crinkled chocolate wrapper, a penny pressed out with a trolley stamped on it, a brochure from a Duran Duran concert I never attended and a bunch of other memories I had no need for. I should have done what you did - let the past stay in the past because that which is worth taking forward is already there with you. ----- --------