AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Measuring pain DATE: 2/26/2007 10:10:00 PM ----- BODY:
Today has been an odd cyberspace day. Someone I really liked bowed out of a BabyCenter board that I was dipping my toe back into. I took a chance and emailed, and I'm glad I did. She and I have such similar timelines with a first pregnancy and then miscarriage. I just felt like I knew what she was thinking before she spoke. Do you know?

So I send her the link to Amy's blog. Because you know it helps to read. It helps to know you are not alone.

When I pulled up Amy's blog, I found this entry. Then I followed it to this entry that refers to this entry. Which then totally screwed up my Bloglines love for the day. Anyway, it turns out that two of my favorite bloggers have been having a little dialogue about something that I have been thinking about without even realizing it.

To totally trivialize it: Is my pain greater than your pain, and if so, does that mean I win?

Where the miscarriage is concerned, I have been on both sides of this self-destructive game. I didn't miscarry until 12 weeks, so I have had the passing thought that I was more attached to my baby than women who miscarried at5 weeks. Then again, one of my dearest friends' first child was stillborn on the day he was due, so she should be more sad than me. These thoughts are completely disruptive and I found myself realizing that we are all women who are facing enormous amounts of grief. Enormous. All of us.

What is this, measuring grief against each other?

I hurt. I hurt like hell. Every damn day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to go through the details without breaking down. I wonder if I'm going to make it through a shower. Am I going to put on real clothes? What about makeup? It hurts to even go through the motions.

And am I going to measure that against someone else's grief?

Not anymore.

I did though. I did measure my grief. But not only where my miscarriage was concerned. Everytime I heard about another lost child, I cried. It didn't matter to me how far along the woman was, or if they had kids already, I bawled. Because I knew how I felt, and I didn't want anyone else to ever feel that kind of pain.

Plus, and I hope it is okay to say this finally, my Sil, my sweet wonderful Sil, lost her baby right before mine. We were to be due right about the same time. The only difference is that she has four children already. Does that mean that I miss this little niece or nephew any less? Not on your life. I cry for the little one that I will never meet. I cry for the pregnancies that we won't share together. I cry for the cousins that won't grow up at the same time. No kids. Four kids. We hurt the same. Sil and I.

I am more guilty about measuring pain where my parents are concerned.

I have a friend who is in her early 50's. Her parents are old and sick. Her father is in his late 80's or early 90's and has Alzheimer's. She will frequently lament over his health and how awful the disease is. She is dramatic. I complain about her.

My friend. I complain. Because I am in my mid 30's and my father has Alzheimer's. Doesn't she realize how unfair that is? Doesn't she realize that she has had so much more time with her father than I have? Doesn't she realize that she doesn't have the right to tell me how sad she is?

Whoa.

That is just wrong.

And I have thought it over and over.

She has every right to miss her daddy just as much as I miss mine. I am a selfish bitch for ever thinking otherwise.

The thing is this: PAIN IS PAIN. We all feel pain. Every reason that we feel it is unique. We feel what we feel due to our own life's circumstances. Start comparing them to other people and you just end up kicking yourself.

Bless Amy's heart. She typed out what I have thought in my head. And bless KD's heart, she also typed what I have thought in my head. I love them both. I have cried for them both.

We all hurt.

Isn't that why most of you are reading?

It is certainly why I'm still writing. The pain doesn't go away. It just works itself into my life as I find ways to adjust to it.

It's funny. I sometimes wonder when the pain will drive you all away. Today, I realize that it is the pain that draws most of us together.

We all hurt.

It feels better to hurt together though. For whatever reasons that we hurt. Whatever reasons.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 9:33:00 AM EST Tears. Falling down my face. It's been an eye-opening couple of days. Thank you for validating my feelings. I, like you, now have a new perspective. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Holly DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:22:00 AM EST You are an amazing lady...you have helped one of my best friends find hope. Amy, yes your friend Amy, is my SIL. Like you, my heart broke the morning she told me the news of the miscarriage. I've never been able to explain my feelings to her because I never wanted to hurt her more. She's so strong and has been amazing during these last 3 months, but always in pain. I know the pain you guys feel will never go away, but I always hope & now think she feels the same, that you will be happy one day.
Thank you for your excellent entry - pain is pain! No matter what they say, if you hurt, you hurt and how dare they judge you for it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:33:00 AM EST Very well said. We all hurt, and hurt for each other. I think the majority of my depression, was the fact that I was depressed. I kept asking myself, "how long is too long?" I wasn't sure how long I was ALLOWED to grieve. And, I held it in for a period of time, until it erupted.
Amy, you are lucky to have a compassionate SIL. I, unfortunately, do not. I was due three weeks after my SIL. She constantly rubbed it in my face that she was able to carry her baby to term, while I didn't. I refuse to speak to her now due to the harsh comments she said. Yes, she wasn't thinking. But, there is such a thing as empathy. And... she had had a miscarriage! Ugh...sorry to get on my soapbox. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM EST I have different feelings, could be the hormones that are raging through my body. All I can say these days is I am here for my beige box friends... with lotsa love and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sarah DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 11:20:00 AM EST This is a wonderful post. So good. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 12:08:00 PM EST It's strange how universal some emotions are and yet how unique and isolated we feel when we are having them. Why is that? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen DATE:Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 1:43:00 PM EST This is a wonderful post. Makes me feel less guilty for my pain. My pain of secondary infertility when so many people I love both IRL and online have the pain of loss and some of no children yet. I only know that my heart feels pain so deeply I can't even describe it and knowing I'm not alone even though its so different than someone else's, in some ways it's just the same. It's women feeling pain for eachother and for ourselves when life hands us big fat sour lemons. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 12:16:00 AM EST OK, I had to comment again. I just went back and read those three posts you were referring to in yours.

And I don't feel so guilty anymore. But I kind of feel a little less deserving of support, I'm not sure why. I do know that when I published my last post on my blog, I remember thinking specifically of you and hoping that you wouldn't read it because you would probably think I was ungrateful of my blessings, coming from where you have been. I don't know. I hate that we compare and decide who's deserving of our support. All I know is that we all need it. Less or more, we need it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anth DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 1:22:00 AM EST Oh I do this same thing, and it's so retarded, isn't it. People hurt. Why do I try to to compare? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 6:52:00 AM EST I just had this conversation last week about how we measure pain. They offered me some thoughts - God gives us exactly how much pain He knows we can handle. Some people can't handle as much as others, some have enough grace & strength to handle more. But it doesn't change how much it hurts. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paper Whore DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 7:13:00 AM EST Thank you for the beautiful post! I think we all have those those comparative thoughts, but the fact that you recognize how disabling those thoughts can be is what makes you "good people". ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Wednesday, February 28, 2007 at 8:46:00 AM EST Big fat group hug.

And to Jen, who I wish could be in the center of the group hug:

Oh - no no no, I'm so sorry. You deserve just as much support as anyone. You are brave enough to expose yourself through your writing, and share your pain. I don't think it is so much why we hurt, but simply that we do - that is what people should respond to.

Hopefully everyone of us has some bright spots in our lives. I hope you have many, and if you do, then they will be good things to focus on when you need a little extra support.

The blessings in your life are one of the many places I find hope. ----- --------