AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Positive is a tricky word DATE: 5/18/2007 07:18:00 AM ----- BODY:

Much has changed since I started blogging a year ago. When I began, it was very much a journal. Whymommy read it. My friend Bach asked if she could peek in. As far as I knew, that was about it. As I started to learn more about blogging, I discovered Sitemeter, and in that discovery found out that every once and awhile, someone from China would pop in, or someone would search for "ovarian cancer," or "nekkid yoga" and end up here. It was all very strange to me.

Now, I feel as though I have people to talk to. The writing hasn't consciously changed, because I still need it to serve the purpose of working out my emotions in words. I need to write. This is where I start sorting it all out.

Last night, when Guy said, "You've already told everybody. . ." I didn't know what he meant.

He meant that I had already blogged about the pregnancy test. On the one hand, I guess I did post it here because there are so many of you who have been saying your prayers and sending your good wishes. I wanted you to know. You should know. On the other hand though, it is truly something that I will need to write about. Need. to. write.

I will need to write about it because it's important to me. Obviously. I will need to write about it because I'm scared. I will need to write about it because I already feel a disconnect, like I am trying my best not to get attached - just in case. And heaven forbid, if something goes wrong again, I will need to write about that too.

Just because people are reading, doesn't mean that I don't still use this blog for it's primary purpose - a journal. A record of what I was thinking and feeling. A map of how I came through it. It is my only scrapbook.

So I got a positive. Right now, I am pregnant. I am excited. I am so very happy. I am also not calling the doctor yet. I haven't rushed off to bulletin boards and joined up with other January moms. I am not adjusting my students' contracts for next year to reflect a maternity leave. I am not telling people in person. It is simply something that I want to talk about here.

Next week, I might get a negative. Maybe it's a chemical pregnancy. Maybe it's just a sack. I don't know these things. What I know is that pregnant doesn't always equal baby. I also know though that pregnant sometimes does.

I'm hoping for the pregnant equals baby this time. Hoping beyond hope.

Labels: Try Try Again

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Amy DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 9:20:00 AM EDT I am sooo keeping my fingers crossed for you that pregnant=baby! I'm just so happy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 9:50:00 AM EDT You're always in our prayers.... and thank God for free blog therapy and lots eyes to read and love :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 10:31:00 AM EDT Journaling, Blogging, Ranting, Any of it...It's therapeutic, and it's what we're all here for. We love you like family and only want the best for you... Our ears and hearts are open for you... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 11:46:00 AM EDT ...and we are hoping too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sarah DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 11:49:00 AM EDT Wow. Big. I know you have lots of emotions--my own feelings about the positive test after my miscarriage just rushed back to me--I'm fighting the urge to gush them all over your comments page. Keep blogging it out and we'll keep reading. So many thoughts and prayers are going out to you right now. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bon DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 1:05:00 PM EDT oh, oh, oh! so excited for you...and so hopeful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lindsay DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 3:35:00 PM EDT Here's hoping that Pregnant=Baby for the both of us. Congratulations! I am so happy for you...I don't have the words. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Liz DATE:Friday, May 18, 2007 at 7:52:00 PM EDT Hoping and hoping and hoping, too! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 2:56:00 PM EDT I've been reading your site for awhile and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you...hoping and praying! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mom Ma'am Me DATE:Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 5:28:00 PM EDT Sorry I haven't been around for awhile -- away from the blogging world. But please let me join the list of people hoping and praying for you. And here to listen, always. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

the new girl DATE:Sunday, May 20, 2007 at 6:44:00 AM EDT Canape--
So, so thinking of you.

I remember feeling the very same way as you describe here. I hadn't lost a pregnancy, I just felt like at my age it may be more likely that I would.

I went for 'guarded optimism.' I have a lot for you right now. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Wednesday, May 23, 2007 at 5:24:00 PM EDT Whoa. I know how you feel. The rollercoaster of that little pink line...

Only positive thoughts! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anth DATE:Friday, May 25, 2007 at 1:19:00 AM EDT I tried the distancing thing myself, when I was pregnant the second time. Let me know if it works for you, because it sure didn't for me. I couldn't squelch the hope, and I can't squelch it thinking about your pregnancy. I hope and pray pregnancy=baby this time! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

IzzyMom DATE:Friday, May 25, 2007 at 4:48:00 PM EDT I just KNEW you would conceive again soon and of course, I have all my limbs and digits crossed for you :)

{{big hugs of positive energy}} ----- --------