AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Just as quickly as it came DATE: 1/12/2009 08:04:00 AM ----- BODY:

I was still so disbelieving last Friday that I had seen those two lines on a positive pregnancy test that I called the doctor. Went in for a blood test. I'm waiting on the results this morning although I know what they will say.

They will say that I was pregnant. Was.

Just as quickly as the news came and I got used to the idea of 2 under 2, just as quickly, I have to get used to the idea of it not happening.

The bleeding started last night. I woke up cramping in the middle of the night, and by this morning, my body hit full on "get it all out" mode. There isn't anything pleasant about it. It's one big painful bloody mess.

Over the weekend, we told people in real life. This idea of waiting to tell people just in case something happens? I'm over that. I don't know why we aren't supposed to tell about a baby until we are "sure it's going to stick." I don't know why miscarriage is a secret, dirty word. It happens to lots of us.

My guess is that it makes other people uncomfortable. My pain will make some people flinch. And truth be told, it is uncomfortable for me to be so open in real life. To stand in front of someone and be nakedly hurting isn't fun. It is slightly more comfortable than hiding it though.

So I stand naked. Three pregnancies. Two miscarriages. One baby. My reproductive history so far.

Just so far.

It is different this time. It is easier. For one, I knew it was possible. My first miscarriage took me so much by surprise that the first week thereafter was spent dealing with the shock. For two, Little Bird is here and particularly cuddly today. For three, no D&C. For four, I haven't spent seven more weeks preparing and planning - this is so early. So it's easier.

Easier doesn't mean less disappointed. It doesn't mean less sad. It does mean that I know how to handle the sad much better this time. It does mean that I'm not going to tail spin into a therapy inducing depression. But it doesn't mean I loved this one any less.

Mama to one. Stepmama to one. That is what the world sees.

We know though, that there are now four I hold in my heart.

Labels: Baby Lust, Grief, Try Try Again

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:17:00 AM EST I'm sorry my friend, so very sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

slouchy DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:20:00 AM EST oh, honey. i am terribly sorry. thinking of you. xox ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:21:00 AM EST I'm so sorry. Hugs and love to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Wicked Stepmom DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:28:00 AM EST I admire your courage, and ability to speak so honestly. You children are lucky to have you as their Momma - ALL of them.

*hugs* ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

kgirl DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:33:00 AM EST Oh no. I'm so, so sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

@sweetbabboo DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:36:00 AM EST So very sorry, Marty. Miscarriages are heartbreaking no matter how early. You are very brave to talk about it. I was/am not that brave.

I'll be thinking about you. Let me know if you need anything. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 10:18:00 AM EST I'm so sorry, Marty. Many hugs to you today. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Margaret DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 10:18:00 AM EST I started reading your blog when you and I miscarried around the same time.....before bird and my little guy (15 months now). I was touched and helped by your trials and words. I'm so sorry. I wish people would be more open about them. Before it happened to me, I thought it was rare. Comme to find out, not so. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kelly DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 10:26:00 AM EST I'm so sorry. (((HUGS))) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 10:33:00 AM EST I am so very sorry.

Thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Amy DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 11:01:00 AM EST I'm so sorry, my friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nita DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 11:01:00 AM EST You are always in my thoughts.

I admire you so much, for so many things, but especially for your strength and courage. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Becki DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 11:12:00 AM EST So sorry for your loss :( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 12:23:00 PM EST I'm so sorry. {{HUGS}}

NicoleB ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 2:51:00 PM EST I am so very sorry! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Daily Verses DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 4:29:00 PM EST Very very sorry for your loss. :-( ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

T with Honey DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 5:29:00 PM EST No matter how short their stay once knowing about our babies it is so painful to lose them. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sara DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 7:14:00 PM EST I'm sorry. I was excited for you, I'm disapointed with you. I'm sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Monday, January 12, 2009 at 9:08:00 PM EST Tried to throw you a saran-wrapped bowl of cheese soup from Swensen's. Didn't do so well. (next door neighbor will be PISSED when he sees the side of his house tomorrow)

Hang in there Mar-tay. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 7:01:00 AM EST so, so very sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

myrelish DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 7:16:00 AM EST I am so sorry. Hugs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Susie DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 10:31:00 AM EST What an emotional roller coaster! I am so so sorry. Hugs to you my friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Magpie DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 4:31:00 PM EST Oh hon, I'm sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

J from Ireland DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 8:10:00 PM EST I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Sending over thoughts and prayers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lisa DATE:Tuesday, January 13, 2009 at 10:40:00 PM EST I am so sorry. You are precious and so are all of your children. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FishyGirl DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:46:00 PM EST I am so sorry. Peace be with you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 7:18:00 PM EST I'm so sorry. I had a very similar miscarriage between my second and third kids. It's hard. I'm thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lizzy DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 8:29:00 PM EST awww. fuck.

(clearly, i'm just now catching up on my reading. sorry if my previous comment comes at the wrong time or comes off as insensitive.)

just: awww. fuck. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 11:33:00 PM EST I'm sorry sweetie. {{{BIG HUGE HUGS}}} ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bethany DATE:Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 3:53:00 PM EST I'm so very sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Saturday, January 17, 2009 at 11:35:00 AM EST I'm so, so sorry. That sucks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Whirlwind DATE:Saturday, January 17, 2009 at 11:58:00 AM EST I am so sorry. And your right, it does happen to alot of us, but that doesn't take the pain away. It's been almost 9 years since I had mine, but I still think about it. And there is still the pain in my heart. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Lori at Spinning Yellow DATE:Saturday, January 17, 2009 at 12:18:00 PM EST I'm so sorry. ----- --------