AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: It's as simple as this DATE: 1/14/2009 12:44:00 PM ----- BODY:
There's nothing like losing a baby to make you want another one as of yesterday. It's amazing how it triggers my most primal maternal drives. Must. Get. Pregnant.

Bah. Can't fight time or Mother Nature. It will happen when it happens. I told a dear friend of mine that my only resolution this year was to chill the hell out. Just chill.

A friend asked me on Monday if I thought is was really more of a chemical pregnancy. I didn't respond, even though I don't think the question was meant to be insensitive. I think it was just a question. But it struck me. It immediately made me think of how women rate their losses almost like a competition. Like a loss at 12 weeks is more devastating than a loss at 5 weeks. A stillbirth is far more worthy of sorrow than a D&C at 10 weeks.

In a way, I don't disagree. However, it's not really about the weight of the loss. It's about the woman's reaction to the loss. I think two different women can have an equal reaction to two completely different situations. And that woman who lost her baby at 8 weeks has just as much right and room to grieve as much as any other woman who has suffered what some deem a "greater" loss.

I know that it is easier for me this time. I know that I will move on much faster than I did before. I know that there is another child for us, and I know that we can get pregnant, and that I can successfully carry and deliver a baby. These things are a comfort.

The fact of the matter is this. It didn't matter if it was a chemical pregnancy, a blighted ovum, an early miscarriage, or whatever. We didn't care. We were told we were pregnant. By sticks and by pricks. To us, that meant another baby on the way. We got excited, and we got let down. It's really that simple.

The nurse did call Monday afternoon and told me that the blood test was positive and then congratulated me. I cleared my throat and explained what was happening. She talked to the doctor who didn't feel the need to see me. Just ride it out, test again next week to make sure the HCG was gone (which it is, I can totally tell), and treat this like a nasty mean period.

So we move on. There's still time for another baby in 2009.

Thank you for all the kind words. I know that is another reason that this is easier. Support from amazing friends. I really appreciate it.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sarah DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:20:00 PM EST I so know what you mean. On all counts. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:23:00 PM EST I hope you at least have fun trying. I wish I had somthing better to say. Just know I think about you daily. Hugs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anonymous DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:40:00 PM EST I am sorry someone made you feel like your's wasn't "as bad." I think anytime a woman experiences the loss of a baby it is her right to grieve whether one day pregnant or 9 months - we all have the right to our feelings and needs!! Please know I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive energy your way!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:44:00 PM EST I'm will Bubblewench. Have a buncha fun trying. I am excited and hopeful to go on this journey with you all... and still have dibs on those maternity photos. Just sayin'. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Topaz DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 1:55:00 PM EST The minute you see those 2 lines you imagine their entire life. It doesn't matter when the loss occurs, it's still a loss. You find your way through your grief. (((hugs))) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria and Co. DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 3:49:00 PM EST I didn't mean to be insensitive. I didn't mean for it to be a "not as bad" statement. I was asking, well, just to ask. I was certainly not trying to diminish your pain, nor was I making it a competition.
After all, I believe it's not about the length of gestation, but the extent of the attachment.
I truly do care about you Marty, and I have been praying and thinking about all of you.
It wasn't my intent to come across the way it might have been perceived, and I am sorry it did. Maybe it's time for me to step away from the board again for a while... Again, I am so sorry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 5:01:00 PM EST Not at all, Andria. I didn't think that you asked it to be insensitive. That wouldn't be like you at all. It was just a question that got me thinking about these things. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous No Minimom DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 7:08:00 PM EST I'm so sorry, Marty. And I know exactly what you mean about competitive pain. Pain is pain is pain. It all sucks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lizzy DATE:Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 8:31:00 PM EST *love*

<3 ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 7:57:00 AM EST I'm excited that you have baby fever!

And your post is not something I hadn't thought about before. Like, did I have a right to be so sad about my 9 week loss, when my best friend lost her baby at 12 weeks. You know? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous nikki DATE:Thursday, January 15, 2009 at 9:30:00 PM EST Marty, I was out of town all last week and have been sick (taking care of a sick baby, too) since we got home, so I'm way behind on reading blog posts - I just read about your miscarriage tonight. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, m'dear. And I hope you are blessed with another baby soon, although I know that won't take the pain of this loss, or your past loss, away.

(((hugs))) and I am thinking of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Beautifully Unique DATE:Friday, January 16, 2009 at 9:59:00 AM EST Very good points made in this post Marty. A loss is a loss no matter and everyone has the right to grieve or not grieve in the manner that they choose.
That being said, I'm so excited that you've now got baby fever and so priviliged to a part of your journey. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Beth DATE:Friday, January 16, 2009 at 11:14:00 AM EST I'm so sorry, Marty. huge ((HUGS)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous becky @ misspriss DATE:Monday, January 19, 2009 at 9:43:00 PM EST Yeah, I get what you're saying, as you well know. Thanks for dropping by - I've missed you and have been lax on coming by to say hello. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Tuesday, January 20, 2009 at 8:32:00 PM EST As another poster said, pain is pain.

You're doing great, and you'll come through this stronger.

You always do. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Susie DATE:Thursday, January 22, 2009 at 10:19:00 AM EST When I worked at the hospital, I was always struck by how no matter how bad what one family was going through, they almost always saw other's situations as being worse than their own. They felt they should feel lucky compared to the others. It was their way of trying to keep perspective, trying to feel safer in their own situation. It was a way to try and feel compassion even when their world was falling apart. But no one's stress, pain and fear is less than anyone else's. Your child's ear tube surgery may be just as stressful as someone else's heart surgery and so on... This post is a great reminder. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nicole Pelton DATE:Friday, January 30, 2009 at 3:16:00 PM EST I'm so sorry about your loss.

Thanks for this post. I've had a miscarriage at 8wks and ectopic and lost a twin at around 5 weeks. Sometimes I feel something's wrong because I was upset, but moved on, trying again as quickly as I could and didn't really think about them for long. Of course, as you said, it helps that I have babies now. At the time I just was so happy I could get pregnant. ----- --------