AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: In flood the doubts DATE: 2/06/2008 06:43:00 PM ----- BODY:

Weaving in and out of the warm fuzzy posts is a post about a screaming baby. A post about a baby who is uncomfortable, hurt, upset, or angry about something. Something that I can only guess at.

Yesterday, Christopher spent all of his waking moments as screaming moments. By 2:30 AM, I was completely frazzled. I sat, rocking him in my grandmother's rocking chair, with tears streaming down my face and a voice running through my head saying,

"This was a mistake. You aren't cut out to be a mother."

Where does that voice come from? How can I fly from the safety of intuition to the despair of failure in less than 12 hours?

And now? My child is sleeping soundly beside me after a long night and a long day, and I wonder how I could let myself think such things.

Dr. Sears said something to this effect: It isn't your fault that they cry, and sometimes you can't stop them from crying. The best you can do is to not let them cry alone.

And so that's what I did. It didn't seem like nearly enough.

Labels: Bird

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

gail DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 8:30:00 PM EST Hugs to you. This too shall pass and I think Dr. Sears gives good advice. Love to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mamma DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 8:37:00 PM EST Oh sweets!! Big hugs. That is hard. But you made it through.

Get some rest. I'll think good thoughts for tomorrow. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Michelle Lynn DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 9:32:00 PM EST Welcome to motherhood and the constant stream of self doubt. I had a difficult time with my second. He screamed all the time. Turns out he has reflux. I vividly remember those days where there was nothing I could do to help him (medication was the only thing that did end up helping). He is a healthy and generally happy 6 month old now. Things get better. You are doing great. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Mrs. Chicken DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 9:38:00 PM EST The second night we had The Poo at home she wailed like someone was burning her toes with a match. All night. We were frantic, a mess.

She never did it again.

I think they just all of a sudden realize they won't be going back in the womb and have freak out.

Then they're fine.

And you? Why, you, then are a mess.

Chin up. You're doing awesome. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Imstell DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 9:44:00 PM EST Canape, It is completely natural to feel the doubts. I spent my 3rd night home trouble-shooting a screaming infant also. After not a frazzled day like yours followed by not much sleep, 3 A.M. saw me breaking out the sample formula bottle in desperation. Once he gulped that down, he was quiet. I exhaled for the first time in 18 hours. We both got some sleep and perspective. The next time we saw each other we fell in love all over again. And you will too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stella DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 10:29:00 PM EST I'm so sorry you're having those thoughts. I had them with my first, too. I can remember sitting up at night and thinking, "Oh my god, what did we do? Why did I have this baby?"
I felt so bad for his crying and then even worse for those thoughts. They are SO NORMAL. And Dr. Sears is so right...just be there when they cry and love them.
You're doing a GREAT job! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Ally DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 11:14:00 PM EST Oh, sweet Canape, I often think that this new-baby-time is simultaneously the sweetest and hardest time of our lives. You being there and loving and snuggling was enough. You'll see. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Stimey DATE:Wednesday, February 6, 2008 at 11:59:00 PM EST No one knows how to deal with a mysteriously screaming baby just a few days out of the womb. It is so hard to hear them cry, but you are doing for him what he needs. Each one of my three kids left me frazzled at 2:30 in the morning. More than once.

Not a mistake. Totally cut out to be a mother. I'm glad that you see that.

It's enough. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

KimmieRo DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 5:37:00 AM EST Colic? Evil. Cookies went though it- and every night I would sit with her, hold her, kiss her and cry. I hurt with her- but it was my heart not my tummy.

It is tough when they are just burnt out and need to bawl. You are doing a wonderful job though Canape. You ARE a good mom.

Remind me to tell you about all the things that went through my head when Cookies would cry. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

San DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 6:10:00 AM EST Hang in their sweet mama, it isn't always easy. Eventually, the good days outweigh the bad. Babies are pretty resiliant, it's the mamas that have the harder time adjusting to this new way of life. ((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 7:10:00 AM EST Ah yes.

We've all been there. You are not alone.

You are a fantastic mommy to have not let him cry alone, you did exactly what you needed to. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Toni DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 8:29:00 AM EST That is the curse of motherhood. We just never feel like we do "enough".

You did, though, because he is still here and so are you. Chin up. The crying gets better in time... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 9:27:00 AM EST Its such a roller-coaster, isn't it? But I think that's a great quote--not letting them cry alone is one of the most important things I can think of. And I know there were many times when my kids were crying that I was crying right along with them. The first few weeks were very up-and-down for me with both my kids...I hope you find some balance soon! Good luck! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Sudiegirl DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 9:50:00 AM EST I'm not a mom, but I think that child psych was spot-on.

Good luck...at least the baby didn't cry alone.

Sometimes, that's what all of us have to do.

*hug* ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Steph DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 10:19:00 AM EST Oh sweetie. Even "seasoned" mamas worry about a screaming baby that they cant calm down. Maybe try some gripe water? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Marla DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 10:25:00 AM EST (((HUGS))) I think we all have that moment.

You are doing a great job, it gets easier I promise. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

twithhoney DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 11:58:00 AM EST Wow! That brought back the memories.

There is nothing like sitting in a rocking chair naked from the waist up and crying along with your infant to instill motherly confidence in a woman. Yeah, that was me at least one night per week once Princess hit 4 weeks old. It's hard but you get through it.

Hang in there!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Space Mom DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 11:59:00 AM EST Re-read the private email I sent you.
YOU ARE DOING GREAT! All babies cry. It's what they do (other than eat, pee and poop)

You are doing great! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

katy DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 1:10:00 PM EST You will get through this. We all go through times of thinking we can't do it and then pride that we did. Don't kick yourself over something you have no contol over. Just love bird and he will love you back and that is what makes it all worthwhile. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Kathy's Surprise Party DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 7:39:00 PM EST Get this book immediately. It will save you!http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381466/bookstorenow57-20 ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 9:10:00 PM EST Know what? It rarely seems like enough. Hang in there and keep working at it. Keep helping him. Keep keeping him company, and offering nourishment, comfort, and sleep. And remember. You're already a good mom. You are. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Oh, The Joys DATE:Thursday, February 7, 2008 at 9:53:00 PM EST Everything that you are feeling is totally normal. Please don't let it make you feel like you can't do it or you aren't good enough. It is hard. It is just so hard... in a relentless way... for a long time. It's okay to feel frustrated, tired and beaten... but you're not and you won't be.

xo,
J ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 1:43:00 AM EST Remind him of these moments, 16 years from now, when he's wanting to borrow your car. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Bubblewench DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 6:29:00 AM EST I don't have kids, I have no clue, but the depth and intensity of your recent posts is very cool. I am really enjoying reading your progress into motherhood. God forbid I ever go there, I'm coming back here as a reference manual. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Nancy DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 8:41:00 AM EST It's more than enough to be there for your baby. Don't let that doubting voice convince you otherwise (though it's perfectly normal to hear that voice, particularly when you're exhausted and frazzled).

All the best to you and Christopher. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Jenn DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 9:35:00 AM EST With each of my boys, I had those doubts. The little voice would tell me that I wasn't cut out to be a mom of 1 (or 2, r 3 or even 4) children and I was crazy to even THINK of having another baby. Sometimes when the baby cried and I had satisified all of his basic needs, he didn't cry alone, I cried with him. Motherhood, whether its your first of fourth, leaves all of us with doubts. You are doing exactly what you should be doing and in time you'll feel like a pro. (HUGS) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 10:30:00 AM EST Hugs to you! The first three months are harder but you're doing great :) Get the DVD / Book the happiest baby on the block by Dr Karp -- I promise, it will be a help to both of you :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

the new girl DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 7:34:00 PM EST Oh, girl.
You know that this was. my. life, right?

I can so vividly recall that (it was only months ago, after all) sweeping feeling--a wild pendulum going from one extreme to the other.

The hormones make it so much worse, also.

You can always email me to vent if you want to...I am feeling your pain. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Candygirlflies DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 9:49:00 PM EST (((Hug)))

Just remember, Canape... You and Christopher are both learning about this new life you have together. It's going to take a little while to get used to it, and "settle in".

It's going to be okay. You're doing great. I promise.

xoxo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Motherhood Uncensored DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 10:31:00 PM EST You're not crying alone because we've all cried those same tears.

And many of us still do.
xox ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Friday, February 8, 2008 at 11:36:00 PM EST We have all been there. I wish I had this when my boys were infants:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunstan_Baby_Language ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

labugga DATE:Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 7:52:00 AM EST I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has already said, but you hang in there, Mama. You're doing great--this is the hardest part. Big hugs your way~ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Clifford DATE:Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 3:05:00 PM EST Awesome. I am so using these in daily office conversation.

Heh
I'm experiencing discomfort - An infant uses the sound reflex "Heh" to communicate stress, discomfort, or perhaps that they need a fresh diaper. The sound is produced by a response to a skin reflex, such as feeling sweat or itchiness in the bum.

[edit] Eairh
I have lower gas - An infant uses the sound reflex "Eairh" to communicate they have flatulence or an upset stomach. The sound is produced when trapped air from a belch that is unable to release and travels to the stomach where the muscles of the intestine tighten to force the air bubble out.

[edit] Eh
I need to burp - An infant uses the sound reflex "Eh" to communicate that they need to be burped. The sound is produced when a large bubble of trapped air is caught in the chest and is trying to release out of the mouth. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Rachel DATE:Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 4:34:00 PM EST I know exactly what you mean, and although it has been said already, it will pass. The first 2-4 weeks is the hardest, I swear it gets easier. Follow your instincts and good luck to you..

LOVES! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Tiffany DATE:Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 8:44:00 PM EST Do not listen to that voice my friend. You will get this, it will work out. You are a great mama! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

toddlerplanet DATE:Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 10:38:00 PM EST Thinking of you tonight (and every day) as you learn to walk this new path with your little one. I wonder why our society puts so much emphasis on learning about childbirth but so little on what to do afterwards. Not the "diaper and binky" classes but the real stuff. Like what to do in the middle of the night when the baby won't stop screaming and how to salvage those nipples after all. (Has anyone mentioned breast shields yet? I didn't know about them with my first baby, but used them with my second. Pretty useful. They give your breasts a little extra room to breathe and help with engorgement issues.)

Love to you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Baby DATE:Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 3:07:00 PM EST I know that you asked to have no comments on your breast feeding post, but I'm sorry - I couldn't help myself. I know that you just want the absolute best for your beautiful little one, but sometimes what is best is to have a mother who is relaxed, comfortable, and isn't stressed out. A baby can sense when you are stressed and it will cause even more confusion for them. It's the same reason that parents need to get out every once in awhile when they can to have some "alone" time. The more you are relaxed and comfortable, the more your baby will sense it and will relax as well.

Best Wishes! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

FENICLE DATE:Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 9:58:00 PM EST Hey! I read the above post first...life happens. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. Don't take the criticism...just embrace your child - as each is different. You guys will work through this. What a wonderful husband you have :)

Take it easy!!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

~JJ! DATE:Monday, February 11, 2008 at 10:58:00 AM EST Sounds just like me when Fa was born. I used to ask her..."Am I crying because you are or are you crying because I am...?" She never answered me.

She was colicky and we changed formulas a bunch of times and did a whole slew of other stuff...eventually she stopped...

I know that doesn't help you. But I do understand you.

It can be very trying at times, but I just know you will get through it.

You rock momma...

Big hugs. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:

Anonymous DATE:Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 1:46:00 PM EST I was hoping to comment on your most recent post about breastfeeding, but for some reason it won't let me.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. My daughter was born a week ago today, and breastfeeding has been the no. 1 challenge, and the no. 1 cause of most of my tears since we got home. I won't go into the big long story, but we are supplementing with formula after almost every nursing session. I know that "any breast milk is better than none" but it still hurts that I haven't be able to fully satisfy her. It's so comforting to hear and read from other women who have struggled with breastfeeding. You certainly have helped this new mother feel a little less alone. ----- --------