AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Under the same happy-sad sky DATE: 12/12/2007 01:02:00 PM ----- BODY:
It's interesting to me how we deal with other people's pain. A lot of times, it seems as though society says to ignore so that we don't remind them of it. As though if we don't say, "I'm sorry about what happened," or "I know today is a hard anniversary for you," they won't remember and won't be in pain.

That has to be ridiculous.

Another thing I wonder about is that feeling that if we are too sad for someone, we are somehow trying to take over their sadness. When do you cross the line of comforting someone into making them feel like they need to be comforting you?

Today should have been my friend's due date. She is keeping busy today, so I won't get a chance to talk to her, but I sent a card.

As I was writing the card, I hesitated. And then I got so mad at myself. Because how stupid am I to think that sending a card would just make her feel worse? That's crazy. But I find myself worrying about it.

Maybe she didn't want to think about it today. Maybe she didn't want to be reminded. Maybe I'm just making her more sad.

The fact of the matter is though, that I'm sad too. We were supposed to have our babies together. We were so stinking excited that our children would be just about the same age and get to play together. So I'm sad too. I'm sad for her and her husband, and I'm sad for Little Bird.

More than any of that though, I really felt like it was important that she know her child isn't forgotten. That just because we never got to meet her, and a lot of people didn't even know about her, that doesn't mean that she wasn't here and wasn't already loved.

It's lonely to think that you were the only person that loved your unborn child because you were the only one who really knew him. It's uncomfortable to get the feeling that people think you should be over it by now.

You never get over it. You just learn how to get around it.

As my pregnancies now overlap, I keep letting my mind traipse back to this time last year. I'm amazed at how much sadness is still there, coexisting with the happiness we have now.

This time last year, I was almost 3 months pregnant. Carrying a child that had died 3 days ago. This time last year, I was preparing for a trip to see my family and an old friend. I was planning baby names and baby rooms and baby clothes.

This time last year, I only had 16 days left with my baby and then he would be gone.

My count down on the sidebar says that I have 45 days left with this one. Of course, the big difference is that at the end of this pregnancy, I'll be holding my child no matter what.

There lies happy and sad together, with happy taking the lead again.

What I wish for more than anything today is that my friend has enough happiness mixed into the sad that she continues to find hope. Because there is hope. And she is going to be the most awesome mom in the world. I just know she is.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Maddy DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 2:01:00 PM EST It's such a delicate balance and I have no idea how you get it right.

I had a similar experience [vicariously] with a friend of mine who was pregnant at the same time as her friend when she lost her baby.

They never could quite get over it for understandable reasons. I hope you and your friend have the strength to hold you together.
Best wishes

This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 3:56:00 PM EST It is so hard to know what to say to people when they are grieving.

Queen of Shake-Shake ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous No Minimom DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 5:16:00 PM EST I think what you did for your friend is wonderful and incredibly thoughtful. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 7:17:00 PM EST i would wish for everyone a friend like you.

it IS hard to know what to say...as you point out, even having been through it yourself, you doubt yourself. i do too. but i figure i can be brave enough to risk it, in hopes that it might ease a little pain, a bit.

because i can tell you, it does help, each time someone makes that effort.

and it hurts, each time someone just ignores it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Imstell DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 9:01:00 PM EST What Bon said. It's so much worse when the pain is ignored. What a lucky girl to have a friend who so obviously understands. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 10:48:00 PM EST I wish I had a friend like you when I was going through that...it's a very lonely time & place to be. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 11:54:00 PM EST I think when you have a traumatic event, that shares commonalities with another person, it throws you back to another time and place. When someone else loses a child, I suddenly remember the feelings and loss that I felt. And (this will sound very selfish of me) but sometimes, I feel like that person is someone that I can help, but they can also help me. Because, I still need to talk about the loss and pain I went through. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 5:25:00 AM EST Yeah. I don't know who you're talking about (should I? I feel I should), but I'm glad she has you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Chick DATE:Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 7:32:00 AM EST what a lovely & brave post. I can relate on so many levels....this past october I helped a friend bury her baby that she carrried for 8 months. he died about an hour he was born. it was a very intense experience planning that funeral. her sister-in-law just gave birth to the cousin who would have been Baby Frederic's same age and lifelong buddy. It was in fact hard on my girlfriend when the little cousin was born but she and her sister-in-law spoke so honestly about it. and celebrated both babies with laughter and tears.

very brave of you to post this with 45 days to go in your own pregnancy. your friend is a lucky chicken to have you. be sweet to yourself. am sending positive thoughts from texas for you & your friend...christine ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous tj DATE:Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 9:26:00 AM EST ...This is a post everyone should read...so beautifully and honestly written. Your friend is blessed to have a friend like you!

...Warm thoughts and prayers sent your way for you, your baby and your friend.

...Peace & blessings... :o) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 9:56:00 AM EST I think sometimes, the acknowledgment is enough. You're a good friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous sltbee69 DATE:Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 4:56:00 PM EST I agree that acknowledging it is way better than acting like it never happened. It still may be a little painful her but not near as devastating. Your friend is very lucky to have you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous the new girl DATE:Friday, December 14, 2007 at 6:05:00 PM EST Oh, Canape,
What an awesome post, really. I agree that it's hard to know what to say to people when they are grieving. Your own thoughtfulness and generosity are helping more than just your friend. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Friday, December 14, 2007 at 11:16:00 PM EST I'm sorry for your friend and her loss and sadness and the not-knowing-how-to-comfort and being sad yourself. All of what you've said here. I'm glad she has a friend like you, a friend who is willing to take a risk in order to provide some comfort and kindness. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Becki DATE:Sunday, December 16, 2007 at 4:24:00 PM EST I never know what to say in that sort of situation. You are a very good friend indeed. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Wednesday, December 19, 2007 at 10:41:00 AM EST Very nice post. Thanks for making us all remember those that didn't make it, but existed in love even so briefly. ----- --------