AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Letters to the world DATE: 12/20/2007 10:57:00 PM ----- BODY:
Dear woman in the Camry,

I'm sorry that you had a hard time making up your mind whether or not you were going through the light. As you stopped and started and stopped and started again, you will be pleased to know that you made it through the legally yellow light. Unfortunately, the rest of us did not. And I had to sit there for another five minutes. I hope you had to park way far away from where you were going and have corns on your feet.

~canape


Dear Postal customers,

Wrap your own damn packages and be ready to send them when you get to the counter. It's December 20, people. It doesn't matter how you send it. It's not getting there in time. Plan ahead next year.

~canape


Dear Gibson,

You are a sweet dog and I already love you. When you jump into the passenger seat from the back it frightens me. It is also very annoying to have you riding there because you weigh more than enough to set off the seatbelt sensors. The constant dinging was driving me crazy.

And you drool a lot.

~your momma


Dear Vet that I loved so much,

I'm totally pissed at you for retiring yesterday and not telling anyone. When I called to make an appointment this morning, I never expected to be told that I should have come yesterday since now you are gone.

Just because you didn't want a big hoopla doesn't mean you shouldn't have told your clients that you were leaving. That's just wrong.

~unhappy canape


Dear nice people at Lovely's band concert,

Thank you so much for offering me your seats. It was refreshing to have multiple people want to give up their seat for the pregnant woman.

I hope you didn't find me ungrateful for not taking it. Quite frankly, Bird fits better and is happier when I'm standing up. Sitting down cramps the little dude's style.

You were all so kind though.

~tall preggo on the wall


Dear numbers of random stores,

Mason jars are not a seasonal item. I need them now. I needed them days ago. There are other things that need canning besides jelly and jam. Damn.

~mustard making canape


Dear friends of all the people that used to live here,

I am tired of getting more Christmas cards for the Smith family than we do for our own family. I am now throwing them away instead of writing "return to sender" on them. If you really know them well enough to send a card, you should also know that they moved over 2 years ago. That goes double for you, Aunt Mary. Your nephew has left the building.

~the lady of the house


Dear Guy,

I know I'm crazy all over the place right now. I know the vet thing made me cry. And a bunch of other stuff too.

Tears don't mean I'm not happy though. I still love my life with you. Hopefully I have told you that enough. Just in case I haven't though, it's true.

~shamoopie, your crazy hormonal wife

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paige Jennifer DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 12:55:00 AM EST How is it you live there and I live here and that Camry fuckwit was in both places at the same time? Maybe an evil twin? Mine stuttered at green lights and made turns from the farthest correct lane - in the far right? Let's go left! It took all power to refrain from following her into the parking lot, getting out, tapping on the window and saying, "All I want for Christmas is for you to get the fuck off the road, you shitty ass driver. Happy Holidays!" ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous toddlerplanet DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 6:00:00 AM EST What an awful day! But how nice that people offered you their seats ... so nice! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous airmydirtylaundry DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 7:26:00 AM EST hysterical. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Steph DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 11:53:00 AM EST Im sorry for your rough day, I think Id have cried too and Im not pregnant. That's nice that people gave up their seats (or tried to). ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 4:54:00 PM EST Dear Canape-

I'll lock up the brakes @ a yellow light, text-message my friends doing 55 in the left-hand lane while in rush hour traffic, read the newspaper over my steering wheel during my commute, and refuse to enter a two-lane road unless both lanes are clear whenever I want to. Piss off.

Sincerely-

Every driver in America ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 5:07:00 PM EST Camry fu*kwit? Wow. I think that made my nipples hard.

YM, girlfriend. You holdeth back. We both know you'd have a pimp slap queued up for such a situation. Senior citizens in Jackson still cringe at the sight of slate blue Chevys scorching the waterworks curve on I-55, ne pas? Jennifer Warren was never the same after high school because of you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous ladybugsnlizards DATE:Friday, December 21, 2007 at 6:50:00 PM EST Sorry about the vet. I hate when people just leave without saying a word. So unfair to the rest of us. They suck.

Oh, and I apologize. But *I* am one of those Postal Customers. I'll be more prepared next time. lol

And I can finally look at your blog without it freezing up my POS computer! Yay! And it looks lovely too! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen DATE:Saturday, December 22, 2007 at 9:42:00 AM EST ahhh, the ups and downs of a single day in the life of a pregnant woman ;) i got a good laugh from this post, thanks!

i love how you are always so plugged in to making sure Guy knows how much u love him, i can tell u have a real love story together.

merry christmas, m ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Sunday, December 23, 2007 at 9:10:00 AM EST I would have cried and been pissed over the vet too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous tulipmom DATE:Thursday, December 27, 2007 at 4:29:00 PM EST At least you're making sure your husband knows it's just the hormones.

I might want to follow your example :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sudiegirl DATE:Friday, December 28, 2007 at 7:35:00 AM EST I haven't been here in a while - I'm a lousy blogfriend.

but you are on my blogroll and it's my new year's resolution to visit all my blogfriends at least once a week.

I hope I can keep up.

Happy New Year, and good luck with your impending blessed event! ----- --------