AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Turns out he's a comedian DATE: 10/30/2007 02:08:00 PM ----- BODY:
I should have my mouth washed out.

Not just for my sailor talk some days, but actually washed, cleaned, scraped, out.

The dentist sends me into a complete panic attack. I hate it so much that I don't even read about it when other people have to go. I fear losing my teeth, but I fear the dentist even more.

So I avoid sugar in my drinks. I don't eat a lot of candy. I brush, floss, rinse, and water pic for my gums. I pray. Oh please, let my teeth be the teeth that don't need a dentist.

It hasn't always been this bad. I have always hated the noises that come from the dentist's tools. I think that is what bothers me the most. The scraping noises, and the poking of that damn pic thing. I hate the poking. The dread of finding a place that pic will stick.

Maybe if they didn't poke so hard, it wouldn't stick.

Completely irrational. I am completely and totally irrational.

Last night, when I was flossing, a chunk of the back of one of my front lower teeth came popping out with the floss. I went into hysterics. I was going to have to go to the dentist. And I had a HOLE in my tooth!

I cried myself to sleep, rubbing my tongue obsessively against the gaping hole in the back of my tooth.

This morning, I set about finding a dentist. That's right. I had to find a dentist here where I live. Where I have lived for an embarrassingly long time to not have a dentist.

I found one near the house and made an appointment for 11:45 AM. Then I sat and stewed. I chatted with some friends online who encouraged me and gave me great advice. They let me know that I wasn't alone in my irrational fears. I was scared to eat or drink anything because of the hole. I was scared to brush my teeth lest they all crumble into dust in my mouth.

Finally, it was time to go. I arrived early to fill out my paperwork. I had to wait another 30 minutes because they were squeezing me in as an emergency. When the nice girl came to take me back, she apologized for making me wait and told me that they were having issues.

I thought to myself, "I don't need to know that there are issues. Please don't tell me there are issues."

As I sat in that chair, waiting on the dentist, the tears came again. Then, thankfully, something got lodged on my contact, and I could blame the tears on my contact lens. He gave me a moment to clean them off and straighten them off, and then he looked in my mouth. He asked if I had looked in my mouth. I said I had tried.

"I've got some bad news."

The tears start coming back until I realize that my crap shoot of dentist choosing landed me a complete smart ass.

"You didn't break your tooth."

Did you know, that if you don't go to the dentist, that you can get calcium deposits built up on the backs of your teeth? I didn't. My ignorance didn't stop that from happening though.

I flossed away part of a calcium deposit. Something that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. The floss was actually doing it's job.

The dentist laughed at me and began to scrape. He scraped away the calcium and told me that I had good looking teeth for someone who hasn't had them cleaned in forever. Then he quickly added that he didn't mean I didn't need to make an appointment to have them x-rayed and cleaned after the baby comes.

Once again, I'm a tool. A big baby, and a tool.

At least though, there were no shots and no poking. I'm hoping he is far less funny in February though. Far. Less. Funny.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 2:40:00 PM EDT Well thank goodness it wasn't serious! I don't care for the dentist either....the sounds, the smell, the near gagging on water, the suctiony thing...eww to all of it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 2:48:00 PM EDT Oh my God, that's funny! Sorry, but it is.

When I was nineteen I had an awful toothache. I was so proud of myself -- only a sophomore in college, and making an appointment to see a dentist in a strange town, without my mommy -- yeah.

And the dentist found that I had a piece of popcorn stuck in the tooth that was hurting.

Humiliating? Oh, YES. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Redneck Mommy DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 4:25:00 PM EDT I'm with you on dentist fear.

I had to watch my dad have ALL of his top teeth pulled because he went his entire life not going to see a dentist.

You'd have thought that would inspire me to love the dentist.

But I keep seeing those big needles, those pliers and all that blood and I'm terrified of them. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 4:57:00 PM EDT Yay for good news!

The fear of the dentist...total genetic. We can blame our ancestors.

Going to the dentist when preggo sucks...the bleeding gums. Ack! The gag reflex....gag! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM EDT I'll show you my bill and you will never again not go, snort. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jenn DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 6:17:00 PM EDT I did knock out the back of my front tooth playing soccer....the obsessive tongue rubbing, yep, still happening.

Don't want to scare you, but I'll be thinking of you when I'm flossing three times a day. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 7:06:00 PM EDT I'm amazed you stuck with the dude! At umpteen months pregnant, I would have wanted to slap him.

Your restraint is admirable. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 8:23:00 PM EDT Oh, I FEEL your fear... I know exactly what you mean. I'm one of those lunatics who actually has to be SEDATED to endure a dental appointment.

Sounds like you are doing a pretty darn good job taking care of your teeth on your own, but come Feb, we'll all see you through that dental appointment!! Don't be tempted to chicken out (I know I have been)... just go and get it over with, and then you'll have a whole lot less to feel stressed about.

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 10:16:00 PM EDT That. is. hilarious. My mouth actually DROPPED open when I read it was a calcium deposit. I guess this proves just how irrational fear in fact is.

I have a great phobia of the dentist as well (I even ask for laughing gas for dental cleanings - that makes me the biggest wimp in the world). ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 11:04:00 PM EDT Oh, this was funny. But I'm sorry you went through it. I hate going to the dentist, too, and have only recently gotten back into "regular cleanings." Pregnancy was a great excuse to not go. I miss that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mutha Mae DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 11:16:00 PM EDT Do you have the dreams where you lose your teeth? I have those all the time. I was once afraid of the dentist. As a teen, I had a dentist inject novocaine into an artery and it made me pass out. I feared dentists so much after that, I never went. It was only until moving to St. Louis and befriending a dentist that I could learn to trust them again. I had two root canals since then. The first I was in a panic, since I had to see a specialist and not my trusted dentist. Turns out my dentist called him to make sure I was ok while in the chair, as I was a sensitive patient. I am now cured of my dental fears, thanks to him. I hope you can find one you trust as well. It makes all the difference in the world. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Helena DATE:Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 11:38:00 PM EDT I wish I could say that I understand your fear, and on some level I'm sure I do, but I just don't get it. For me it's easy. I love my dentist. I mean, I really love my dentist. He's my cousin and has been taking care of my teeth since I was uch younger, like in my 20s.

I took my triplets to see him for their first visit this spring, right after they turned 5. I know they should have been seen sooner, but c'mon really. They decided who went first, watched me having my teeth cleaned and even gave Cousin Howie a big ol' kiss when we left. At least they'll never have to fear their dentist. We know where he lives! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Cathy DATE:Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 12:32:00 AM EDT I am a total wuss when it comes to the dentist.

Even cleanings freak me out so badly that I'm laying there with my hands clenched and tears rolling down my face.

So embarrassing.

(I had terrible childhood experiences. And teenage ones. And early adult ones. As a result, I am terrified of any dental procedure.)

Last month, for the first time ever, a hygienist offered me laughing gas. I had never tried it.

Mind you, I was only getting my teeth cleaned, but like I said, I am a freaking coward.

Anyway, the gas made a world of difference. I felt kind of icky and headachy afterward, but at least I got through the visit without weeping.

That's great that it turned out to be nothing. What a relief. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paige Jennifer DATE:Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 11:25:00 AM EDT When I was younger, my parents befriended my dentist. His family and our family went skiing together up in Vermont. And I spent the entire weekend trying to avoid getting on the chairlift with him. Because, you know, of course he'd whip out his tools and start cleaning my teeth en route to the top of the mountain. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bon DATE:Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 11:29:00 AM EDT good for you for going...and erm, interesting about the calcium deposits. i suspect i may have a whole set o' those... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 11:51:00 AM EDT I HATE the dentist. HATE.

I haven't had a cleaning in, and I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, 10 years.

Reading your story made me feel queasy. Just thinking about the dentist makes me break out in hives. I need 2 bloody marys and a valium AND the gas to get through a cleaning. Of course, they don't know about the bloody marys...

I meant to go after I had Henry. And now I'll have to wait until this baby is done cooking. Darn. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lisa DATE:Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 9:33:00 PM EDT I never understood peoples' fear of the dentist until recently.

The hygienist (sp?) dropped her pick-like instrument a few times and hit my tongue then her hand slipped a few times when she was trying to clean my teeth and hit my gums. Then they tried to make a mold for a device to prevent me from grinding my teeth and the dental assistant let the goo freeze and kept using her finger nails to dig into my gums which made about jump out of my skin. They tried using those pliars and alot of torque to get it out. Finally they just drilled it into pieces and got it out that way. And they tried the whole thing all over again.

I was a bleeding, sore mess after that visit. And what did they say? "SOrry. Here's a free toothbrush." Bah!

SO yeah, I can understand why you hate the dentist. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Anth DATE:Thursday, November 1, 2007 at 12:14:00 AM EDT Heehee. Sorry, but that's funny. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jaime DATE:Friday, November 2, 2007 at 3:14:00 PM EDT I know the feeling, Canape!! I happened to find a wonderful dentist here in SC who eased my fears and didn't make me feel stupid for being scared.

I'm so glad things are better! ----- --------