AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: What aren't you telling me? DATE: 8/10/2007 09:44:00 AM ----- BODY:
I'm a little behind in the baby making game. As a first time mom, I'll be delivering Bird just a few weeks before my 35th birthday if all goes well. Not quite AMA, but pushing it. Considering the fact that I would like to do this again, we are really pushing it.

I say that, but then there is my amazing sister-in-law. She is the queen of pregnant women. She is that woman who glows during pregnancy, looks great in maternity clothes, and smiles at the camera during labor. I am in awe of her, and she has done beautifully with being an AMA mommy here recently.

Although I won't disclose her age here because I'm too lazy to pick up the phone and ask if it's okay, I will disclose how many kidlets she and my Bro have. They have four. And one on the way. And no, I don't want to hear any jokes about "Do they know what causes that?" because they make really terrific kidlets. Smart ones too.

Number five is due in November, and will most likely be their last. And apparently, I have been the absent and oblivious aunt because they have not scared me. I cannot think of one story to tell you that would make you shudder at the prospect of motherhood.

At this point, it is appropriate to point out that they have obviously been shielding me.

I want to know. I want the truth. After reading about Jessica's precious angel flinging poo onto the floor of Toys 'r' Us, and Jennifer pointing out a downside to toddler independence, I'm starting to wonder. Well, after I dried my eyes from laughing so hard, I started to wonder.

What am I getting into?

I know there a lot of moms out there. And dads. And people who are smarter than me. How about it? Care to fill a clueless mom-to-be in on the other joys of babydom that no one is telling me? What other ways is poop going to become very very frightening? And possibly mobile?

Let me in on the secrets. I can take it. I need to know about the poo.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 10:23:00 AM EDT Well, Ben once fingerpainted the wall with his own poo when he woke up early from a nap.

Luckily, we were at my mother's house, so my own walls remained pristine (in a relative sense). ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Nicole DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 10:24:00 AM EDT It will surprise you how comfortable you will become with someone else's body fluids. It will soon become routine to be puked on (especially if you plan on breastfeeding), peed on and shat upon.

About 6 weeks after my son was born, my best friend had her son. As we were visiting the new family in the hospital, my husband had the privilege of being christened with the new baby's first meconium. He just laughed, I have to wonder if that reaction would have been different if we didn't have a 6 week old of our own. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM EDT I agree with Nicole. After awhile you don't seem to notice anymore.

I was at a business lunch one day in a very tony DC restaurant. As I looked down to put my napkin in my lap, I noticed something brown along my waist. Yep! It was dried poop. I had changed the baby's diaper before I left that morning and apparently didn't notice the swath of poop on my clothes.

What did I do? I just pulled out my shirt to cover it up and continued with my day.

Besides, having a blog provides you with the opportunity to see the humor in most of it. All the challenges become blog fodder. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:11:00 AM EDT I think you'll surprise yourself with what you CAN do/tolerate. When the baby is really sick for the first time, you'll FLIP OUT. But after that, you'll be all "Oh, hells bells. The baby just yakked all over me. Again."
But really, the big thing is the poop. I can change Henry's narsty, stinky, poo-filled diapers with no problem whatsoever, but when I have to change another child's diaper? EEEEEWWWWWW.
[[Interesting that most of these stories involve feces?]]
Also, I totally bought in to the whole Breastfeeding is Beautiful propoganda--all angels and harps. But girl, that shit HURTS. And it hurts for a few WEEKS until you get used to it. And then, I felt shamed when I just couldn't produce enough milk to feed my child. Formula is not the Devil's Drink. You'll do what you need to do to survive.
Incidentally, I got a great piece of advice about nursing (after the fact, but...): if you plan to nurse, start using a loofah on your nipples RIGHT NOW to help toughen then up. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous pastormargaret DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:38:00 AM EDT Do you remember being potty trained? You were a very bright child and knew exactly what was expected of you in many areas, but also being very head strong, you chose whether or not you would do as expected. You were in training pants, but would not do your business in the pot. The good Dr. S suggested that I have you clean the training pants the next time you pooped in them. You cleaned them alright--flushed them right down the commode. It had been raining for days and your dad had to come home from the office, lie on his stomach in the mud to unstop the pipes. So much for that suggestion. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:43:00 AM EDT Seeing as how I moderate my comments, I could have totally not published that last one from my dear mother.

See how much I love you people? There you go. Have a good laugh on me. I'll be over here in the corner blushing.

I totally deserved that. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Perugini DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:48:00 AM EDT Do you REALLY want to know?

I had my first baby at 35, with the next 2 at 36 and 38. Don't be scared of age at all.

Be scared of the poop. The stuff that comes up the back and all over EVERYTHING. And usually it happens when you are in a store, so pack your diaper bag WELL.

And don't even get me going about the SMELL of it.

Poop is inevitable. And after a few months, you'll be a poop wiping, kid cleaning pro. Nothing to fear, baby wipes are here!

And don't forget extra clothes AND towels for your vehicle. Sometimes things come out all ends at once.

And it's really ok! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous adymommy DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 1:13:00 PM EDT Volunteer at a daycare center in the baby and toddler rooms. Do that for about 2 weeks times it by 3 and you will be fully prepared for what you are getting into:) Ok not really, you will never be prepared until it happens to you and your child. On the plus side when it does happen you just kinda know how to handle it. Maternal instinct!
My kids, breastfed, shot poo in the middle of diaper changes during the 3 am feeding. It was still the yellowish poo too. it got all over the couch, the wall, and me. The 1st time I was crushed,you know lack of sleep, new mom, etc... When it happened with the 2nd kid I was more prepared for it. I brought a dish towel with me for every middle of the night changing/feeding just in case. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 1:50:00 PM EDT Oh, the fun we have to look forward to...poop and vomit on everything. Yum. :-) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous NMD Jenn DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 2:20:00 PM EDT Don't let the age thing bother you. I was 38 when I delivered my first daughter and 16m2w later I delivered my second daughter. Both are awesomly healthy. Would it have been easier on my now nearly 40 year old body 10 years ago, heck yeah, but my babies wouldn't have been the same sweet girls I have now.

As for poo....don't let the poop of the wee ones scare you. Hold your fear for the onslaught of the toddler poo. That which not only escapes the diaper, but coats the sheet, the pj's, the blankets, the lovies, and of course the kid. Good times. It's amazing what you can tolerate.

That old saying "you think your s**t don't stink", well it smells, but it's your kid and you don't mind it so much. 'Cause those "presents" ultimately mean they are healthy kiddos!

**giggle** at flushing the plastic pants. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous T with Honey DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 2:57:00 PM EDT When you think about giving your baby a bath do you imagine bubbles and the sweet smell of baby bath? Well at least once you will also start smelling poop as you realize your baby has pooped in the bath. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jaci DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 2:58:00 PM EDT I'm a mom of four, and seriously, poop is a non-issue. A few months back, I went into my 2 year old twins' room. One had scooped nice piles of poop along his crib rail so they could BOTH use it to finger paint. When I got angry, my daughter said, "...But we didn't eat it!"

And, my husband pointed out that at least they were sharing....good point, right?

Jaci
http://spiderbyte.vox.com/ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 3:06:00 PM EDT You are in for the greatest, scariest, funniest, messiest, smelliest ride of your life. I suspect you won't LOVE every minute of it, but you'll do great!

Don't go reading any of my posts from my daughters first 6 weeks. Those will frighten you. I tend to me a *bit* melodramatic :)!

Just know we're all here and we've all been through that very tough adjustment of being a woman to suddenly being a woman AND a mother. We'll be here to listen. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous luannemarie DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 4:26:00 PM EDT Ahh, the worthless visits to the Urgent Care Center!
Jacob was about 3 when he stuck a big fat piece of corn up his nose, I am talking lodged this sucker right up near his eye, in his nose. It started getting really red and watering and hurting. I could see it with the flashlight, but was not going to attempt to pull that out with tweezers, in fear that I would go too far and yank on his brain too :)
So I take him to the Urgent Center and the doctor first of all laughs at me. Then, without missing a beat told ME exactly what to do. Ever so gently, I plugged the side of his nose without the corn, and blew in his mouth, hard. This dislodged the corn (and boogers might I add) right into MY cheek!
Corn was out, Jacob was much happier, and the doctor never touched him. Needless to say, I wasn't charged for the visit. I made their night:) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 6:03:00 PM EDT You will NEVER EVER ever get a good night's sleep again. Never. Never ever.

Rest up now girl! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Stimey DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 6:16:00 PM EDT Oh, you'll know about the poo. You really don't need us to tell you, because you will discover that all by yourself...the explosions (really, almost literally--once or twice I've had babies with poop on their foreheads), the constipation (I'm a pro at this by now), the explosions that follow the constipation (you might want to have a little fun and just be surprised by this one).

But so worth it. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jessica DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 9:41:00 PM EDT When our au pair fist started with us about 15 months ago, Jack pulled poo out of his diaper and ate it. I think it was her third day on the job... She's still with us all these months later. She either really likes poop, or really likes my kids. :) I'm going to go with the latter. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Maureen DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 10:14:00 PM EDT Oh, these stories are hilarious... and you'll be telling similiar ones in a few years when some mom-to-be asks the very same question.

We all got thru it, and you will too. The trick is to keep your sense of humour.... jusst like all these moms have. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous WhyMommy DATE:Friday, August 10, 2007 at 11:31:00 PM EDT It's not the poop.

It's the silences.

:-)

The first year, you worry that they're not breathing.

The second year, you worry that they're into something that could hurt them (as if something could have popped into the crib or playpen where you left them safely just for a second!).

The third year, you worry that they've left. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 12:44:00 AM EDT I bet it is hard to read these comments about flying poo and then believing them when they say it is worth it;-) The only problem I had with mine when they were small was the occasional all the way up their backs poo that happened at nap time. You will be surprised to find that you can change a poo diaper and not stop eating your sandwhich.
There will be some sleepless nights but I believe that when your babies are small your body does not need much sleep. When mine were little I woke up every time one of them sighed in their sleep, and I didn't care a bit. Now they have to yell at me to wake me up.
The baby blues did get me (worse with my first one) but after about a week of bursting into tears whenever anyone said anything to me I got in my car, drove 2 miles to the store and bought a gallon of milk. I was fine after that.
Trust me when I say that even now with my kids 17 and 19 I love being their mommy. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous The Farm House Kids DATE:Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 9:57:00 AM EDT It depends on how you look at Poop! Poop can be your best friend or your worst enemy. For example, when they have poop parties .. and I mean bad poop parties (I have almost three year old triplets)it's a bad thing. I shudder when I remember that incident! A room full of poop! I wanted to move out!

But when your kid poops a baseball that's been three days forthcoming .... that's a good thing. Everyone is so excited and it's the topic of the day. And everyone had to look and talk about how great it is, and how big it is, and then you rehash it again at the dinner table. And you exclaim, "A baseball sized poop. Even I can't poop a baseball that big" ... awww, poor baby!

Then poop is a good thing!

As far as your age, you've got it going for you girl. I have four grown kids in their twenties, then twenty years later, had triplets. I also have 2 grandkids that are two months older than my triplets. We have lots of poop!

Have a great day!
Tanya ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Redneck Mommy DATE:Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 12:24:00 PM EDT When my daughter was three weeks old, I took her to my folks house to visit...I had to change her so I used the diaper pad changy thing in the diaper bag and layed her down on the carpet...

She projectiled shit all over Gramma's brand new, one week old CREAM carpet.

Stained forever. It was a lovely reminder of my darling daughter's babyhood.

You'll love being a momma...shit and all. Promise.

(And I love how your mom brings up your shit stories!! LOL! Hi mom! Waving madly!) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bitsy Parker DATE:Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 11:16:00 PM EDT My daughter was the best pooper EVER. She shat through every diaper, every time, every day. There was shit on all her clothes, on all our furniture and always on me. She is off the charts on height and 85 percentile on weight. She's tracking to be around 6' tall.

My son was a neat and tidy pooper. Not so much. He's on the smallish side.

SO, my point, much poo is a good thing. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Emmakirst DATE:Sunday, August 12, 2007 at 7:54:00 PM EDT I have to agree with Whymommy, it is the silence, it's what the hell are they into now thoughts. Poop, you'll adjust, it's amazing what we can tolerate. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Monday, August 13, 2007 at 7:33:00 AM EDT considering I have nothing to offer on the children's poop topic, I can say that at 37 and still up in the air on having any children, reading this poop string... I think I'll get a dog.

Love your mom's story too!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Monday, August 13, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM EDT I had been warned about the potential for pee to spring up like a fountain (even from my girls) while on the changing table, but what surprised me was how Eleanor squirted the wall-- with poop-- while being changed. She did this several times as a newborn.

What no one can describe to you accurately because there are no words powerful enough: the fierce love that you'll feel for your child, much like that in-love feeling with your lover, the way that you'll laugh to yourself while waiting for the bus on the way to work, just thinking about the funny thing your baby did that morning.

Poop? It's no problem. It's their capacity to take over your heart that is remarkable. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous AcadeMama DATE:Monday, August 13, 2007 at 11:58:00 AM EDT As a mom of two (and we'll try for #3 next fall), I've surprisingly had no poo issues. At least none that don't normally come with a breastfed baby in H's cases. Her poo was *always* escaping the diapers, all over my clothes, the furniture...We should've just draped everything with a painter's tarp!

Puke, however, I've experienced. When she was about 4-6 weeks old, H managed to PUKE directly INTO my MOUTH! Yes...Just after nursing and burping her, I held her in front of me, angling her up just a bit, while I cooed at her. All of a sudden: blaghhh, right into my big, fat, open, cooing mouth came the spit up!

Not poo-related, but just as important: breastfeeding. If you're gonna do it, know that it *can* hurt like hell, things can go really bad for the first few weeks, but there are tons of products out there to help you and baby through the learning phase if you still want to continue. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Slackermommy DATE:Monday, August 13, 2007 at 4:11:00 PM EDT I really must write a book on this. I wish someone had better prepared me for motherhood. ----- --------