AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Not so happy DATE: 8/29/2007 10:15:00 PM ----- BODY:
Guy said to me yesterday, "I don't know what it is, but you are missing something."

Maybe it is him. Maybe it is his company.

We are grateful for his new job, a job that he really likes and hopefully will become permanent. He is good at it, he likes the people there, and it is a challenge. Guy loves a challenge. He likes to think about his projects almost all the time so that when he sits down to actually produce the work, it just flows.

I get that. It is the same way I used to write grants. Entire grants would be laid out in my head so that when I finally sat down to type them, it would just appear on the page. People thought I was the fastest grant writer in the west, pow pow, but really, I had been working on it for weeks without writing anything down.

Guy leaves early because of the traffic and comes home late because I teach until 7:00 anyway. We spend our evenings together. I like that. A lot.

But I'm lonely. My friends are scattered and busy. I don't connect well with my neighbors even though they are very nice people. My yoga class is the only guaranteed time that I will interact with a group of women during the week, and that's not really that interactive.

Maybe I might be a bit jealous too. Jealous of Guy's job and the grown up things he does all day long. I know that he needs me to be here, running the house, performing, and teaching. And I would do anything for him. But I think I really miss my non-profit work sometimes.

Maybe I just miss the drive. I have a lot of drive, and there really isn't anything I can focus it on in a house where nothing is finished. This week, I have focused it on blueberry muffins. Lots of blueberry muffins. With different recipes. The freezer is overflowing with blueberry muffins.

Maybe that's why I like it here so much lately. There is a little community. A comment or two. The occasional email catching up or just saying hi. I get to be with people. Not feel quite so lonely.

Sort of.

I don't know what I'm missing I guess. Could be anything.


Or,

It could be nothing at all.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Andria DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 9:19:00 PM EDT I love our "virtual community". I actually have told you gals what is going on- while none of my friends have a clue. Oh...

Maybe, just maybe, you are actually happy, but the calmness is being mistaken for something else? Does that make sense? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous MamaGeek @ Works For Us DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 9:20:00 PM EDT Canape, you sound like Izzy on Grey's Anatomy with all those muffins. If you don't watch the show - nevermind. :)

I love this post. Finding purpose and prosperity - that IS the question or journey for many of us...

Just WAIT until Little Bird arrives. Insert Evil Grin here. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous slouchy DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 10:10:00 PM EDT I hear you. I go through periods of being dissatisfied, and I can't always pin down what needs to change. Sometimes, nothing does. Except for the passing of some time.

Is it consoling or frightening to you if I say that once the baby comes, you'll be too fatigued even to notice your emotional state?

Frightening. I thought so. ;)

I take it back. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Liz DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 10:19:00 PM EDT I know that lonely...and I know that jealousy, too.
When The Mistah is working (which we're hoping he'll be doing again soon. Har har har) during the year, I spend every moment waiting for him to come home. I have my day with Henry and sometimes it's totally overwhelming and, especially when he was just an infant, those days went by So. So. Slowly.
Now? I want him out of the house so I can have the boy to myself. And be happy and thankful when Poppa gets home.
I miss the drive I had when I was a Career Girl. I miss the meetings and the yelling about BULLLSH*T! And I miss the lunch breaks. I miss the commute--the 90 minutes of time with a good book and my MP3 and maybe a nap if the guy next to me on the subway isn't touching me or doesn't smell too bad...
Okay, blathering now. Not sure what my point was/is.
But I'm picking up what you're laying down... ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 10:25:00 PM EDT I know what you mean.

I can just imagine you and your blueberry muffins.

J told me to tell you that you make the best chocolate cupcakes around.

Miss you!! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Candygirlflies DATE:Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at 11:40:00 PM EDT I understand, too, Canape... My husband started his own company a few years ago, and works so much that I often feel lonely. Even when he is home, sometimes-- he is just so preoccupied with work. I KNOW that what he does is important for the family, and he is the only one who can do the job... However grateful I am for him, and for what he does, I don't always like it...

When Little Bird comes, you will be tired, and you will be busy. But, don't let that stop you from forging new friendships with other mothers. Mothering a newborn can be isolating, but there are lots of organizations that can help you hook up with other new mums! I joined several playgroups with my firstborn, and the women I met have become my firm friends... Our oldest children are now in the same public school, and we wound up in the new baby group again and again as more children were born! Actually, my friend D. and I went into labour with children #2 and delivered in rooms right next to each other! Visiting hour was sure a party, with people waltzing between rooms...

Little Bird is going to open up a whole new area of your life, and you're going to meet some incredible people along the way, I promise!

But know that we, your blogging buddies, are always right here for you, too.

xo CGF ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bubblewench DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 7:20:00 AM EDT WOW! Did I write that? I could have. I know what you mean. Besides Scott I really don't have any real 'friends' where I live. I never go out. I never do anything with anyone other then him. I think that is why I do come to this community regularly. I need people variety. :) Good People variety. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 9:53:00 AM EDT I completely understand.

This blogging community has helped me so much, but I long for face to face interactions. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Tiffany DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 10:19:00 AM EDT I understand what you're saying. I miss working and feeling like they need me to keep moving. It's a humbling experience to realize that they don't.

I love our virtual community as well and would be going crazy without it! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Whymommy DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 5:07:00 PM EDT Sorry you feel that way, Canape.

It will get busy for you soon enough!

But I hear you. I really do. It's so quiet around here too. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous katy DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 7:26:00 PM EDT I know exactly what you mean. I work part time during the day and my husband works evenings. It has never been a problem because the kids kept me busy but my son moved to his own apartment a few weeks ago and my daughter is so busy on her own. I come home from work now and the house is completely silent. We live way out in the country so no neighbors. Tonight I went to the grocery store and found myself crying in the frozen pizza section because my son and his 10 friends that were always here don't need those anymore.
I sound so whiney...I'm adjusting, just slowly. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 8:05:00 PM EDT I have days like that as well.....
you captured it exactly! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mrs. Chicken DATE:Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 9:51:00 PM EDT It is so hard to feel isolated like that.

I know.

I feel this way a lot. I'm glad you're part of this community. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Clifford DATE:Friday, August 31, 2007 at 1:36:00 AM EDT I think you're missing baseball. Professional baseball. I recommend hot dogs, flat Coke, and annoying organ players to go with it.

(what the heck happened to the Sox this week, man?) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous LIBSMOM DATE:Sunday, September 2, 2007 at 7:46:00 PM EDT Thanks for such an honest blog! Sometimes, it's just the crazy road of life and around the next bend, just what you needed! ----- --------