AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Back by popular demand, crazy me DATE: 6/21/2007 08:59:00 PM ----- BODY:
I suppose this is the first time I have noticed that the understanding of having readers has kept me from posting. There has been quite a bit of crazy going on, and instead of writing it all out like usual, I have kept it to myself.

Not wanting to spread the crazy.

Today, I decided that was silly. The origins of this blog were to talk crazy. Say all the things that I didn't want to or couldn't say aloud. So think what you will, I'm about to get loony.

Saturday, this baby will be 9w2d. That is when they said Cleatus died even though he hung around until 12 weeks. Try as I will, I cannot stop thinking about it. I have been working in the house (new bamboo floors and a painted music room), reading (first two Harry Potters again), and even signed up for Twitter (to have somewhere to post the mundane). Even if I'm successful in taking my waking mind off of it, then I have nightmares.

I have analyzed the day to day to death. Do I have cramps or is it my intestines? Do my boobs still hurt? Is the pain in my lower back what I felt before I lost the last baby or is it my kidneys?

Here are some of my favorites though: Is my dog still following me? Do you think she can hear a heartbeat? Come here, Pupstar, and put your head on my belly. What do you hear? She just looks up at me and wags her tail, which I took to mean that maybe she still heard a heartbeat. It could just as easily mean that she's loving all the laying around I'm doing. More snuggle pup time.

The nightmares are the worst part. In one I was just pregnant over and over again. I was known as the mother to 9 week old fetuses. In another, I woke up and there was blood all over the bed and I started screaming like I was in a horror movie. Guy came out of the bathroom and told me to calm down, it was just a little blood. I couldn't stop screaming.

I don't know. There is still some nausea. I am more tired this week than I ever have been, but it's sleepy tired, not worn out tired. I get breathless walking up and down the stairs. And I'm so incredibly on edge. My emotions are out of control, and I'm pissed off most of the time. What a joy for Guy.

So maybe everything is alright? The pain in my back though has gotten intense. There are no other signs of a uti, but I swear it's my kidneys that hurt. It's that deep gnawing pain, not sharp pulling or cramping pains.

Tomorrow morning is another appointment. I want the doctor to confirm a heartbeat again for me. One of my other fears? That she will say no. That she will say it's too early for a doppler and I can't have another ultrasound. Can she even do that? Even if I'm willing to pay for it out of pocket?

I thought I was stronger than this, but if I don't get some confirmation tomorrow one way or another, I might just fall apart. I'm going to be like Elaine with the black marks on my chart. All the doctors will know I'm the crazy one.

I could always just take my dog with me tomorrow and tell the doctor that she is my at home pregnancy monitor.

So good night. Enjoy the crazies. They will be here all week long.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Slackermommy DATE:Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 9:56:00 PM EDT Hi, my first time here. My second pregnancy ended at 9 weeks but I didn't miscarry until nearly 12 weeks so I understand what you are going through. I went on to have three more successful pregnancies but was a nervous nelly during the first trimester. I also over analyzed every thing I was feeling, had nightmares, and drove my hubby crazy with all my worrying. Your insurance may not pay for an ultrasound although I think they should considering you've had a previous miscarriage but if you are paying out of pocket they can't refuse. You need the reassurance that everything is okay. I also rented a doppler so I could do my own heart beat checks. I was able to pick up a heart beat with it around 12 weeks. Hang in there! Odds are good that your baby is perfectly fine. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Ally DATE:Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 10:51:00 PM EDT You don't sound crazy to me; it seems perfectly reasonable to be undone during this time. I hope your doctor complies and gives you the reassurance that you need via ultrasound or whatever possible. You sure sound pregnant, with all the crazy symptoms you described. :) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 11:25:00 PM EDT You know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I will be stalking the blog for updates tomorrow.... everythings gonna be fine, I just know it.

(oh and I rented a doppler too, it was VERY reassuring to me) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Friday, June 22, 2007 at 8:07:00 AM EDT There's nothing crazy about what you are feeling. Hang in there. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Amy DATE:Friday, June 22, 2007 at 8:15:00 AM EDT Oh, you are so not crazy. I lost my little one at 9w2d also, and it was such a relief and a miracle to make it to 9w3d this time. I was constantly feeling myself up to see if my boobs still hurt and checking my other symptoms. I think if you're willing to pay out of pocket, they should do an u/s for you. I was able to finagle one right around then b/c I had the teeniest amount of spotting a few days before, but I told the doc if he didn't think it was medically necessary, I would write a check for it. That's how bad I needed the reassurance. Hang in there...can't wait to find out how it went! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous AcadeMama DATE:Friday, June 22, 2007 at 11:13:00 AM EDT I just wanted to second the suggestion to rent a fetal monitor. Since my first trimester was high risk (we'd had two egg sacks developing, then found one to be a "disappearing twin"), and I was spotting all the way through the 12th week, I was constantly terrfied. I couldn't stand the feeling of helplessness that came from just waiting in between doctor's appointments, so I rented a fetal monitor from fetalbond.com. A friend of mine recommended the site, and it was very affordable. I can't tell you how much better it made me feel, especially during the time between the end of the first trimester and when I could actually feel the baby move. Anytime I worried, I just whipped it out and listened. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Lizzy DATE:Friday, June 22, 2007 at 3:40:00 PM EDT you don't sound crazy at all--you seem very, very normal sweetheart.
about that pain in your back--is it lower back pain or creeping up towards your ribs and shoulder blades?
as you--and i suppose EVERYONE--knows, i had a rough go of it with my gall bladder during my pregnancy. for some reason, pregnancy hormones can really exacerbate an already tricky gall bladder. many women don't realize they may have gall stones or an infection until they are pregnant. i found that the pain was at its most tense after a meal and towards the end of the day.
also, if it'll make you feel better, i third the renting a fetal monitor. the stress between appointments can be so intense.
hang in there! ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Bananas DATE:Friday, June 22, 2007 at 5:45:00 PM EDT Oh wow, I totally hear where you're coming from. My 2nd pregnancy ended at 12 weeks, just after the doctor let me hear the heartbeat and told me that everything should be a-ok. Now I'm petrified to try again even though it's been three years. Hang in there! you are NOT crazy. ----- --------