AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape
TITLE: 12 Weeks, take two
DATE: 5/30/2007 09:12:00 PM
"I just wanted to call you, because I know you know what I'm going through."
As her voice trailed off on the voicemail, my heart tore in two. The feeling in my chest that just recently began to heal returned. The tightening returned. The clamp that only loosens when I would allow the tears to flow. Returned.
This was not the post I wanted to write. I have been writing a post in my mental Word for a little over a week. That post included the hello hugs to which we added a belly rub at the end. Our bellies rubbing. Our bellies were incubating future best friends that would enter this world about a month apart.
But today we found out that her baby stopped growning at 9 weeks. Today she was 12 weeks. Everything should have been alright, but there was no heartbeat anymore. It is no longer my story. It is our story. And I never wanted to share it like this with anyone. Especially not her.
I remember the first person that I knew who had a miscarriage. It was about seven years ago. We were about the same age, but I was so far behind her in life. I didn't have any idea what her pain was like. I had no concept of her loss. I don't remember, but I'm quite sure I did nothing for her beyond tiptoeing lightly when she returned to work. We are not close. And yet, in January, she sent chicken enchiladas and brownies and an email that said she was sorry we lost our child.
I was blown away by her kindness. I was grateful that she understood and sorry that she had reason to understand all at the same time.
Today, I baked a couple of Greek pizzas and put together a fresh salad. I set the table, and opened the door to her and her husband. We held each other and cried. We talked about trying again. Over lunch, the men changed the subject, and I found myself gingerly steering it back. It was the matter at hand, and I didn't want it overshadowed. It is important.
I said to Guy after they had gone that today was the first thing I found something positive in our loss. I am not always a good friend. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I completely miss what my friends need. This is not one of those times. I get this.
And I get when she asked me to forgive her for feeling like my miscarriage helped prepare her for today. But she doesn't need to ask forgiveness. I felt that same guilt every time a woman shared her story with me and I felt comforted. I tasted it in every reassuring bite of chicken enchilada. The guilt was there everytime I felt thankful for someone commenting here, letting me know that they understood because they had been there too.
Sometimes she comes here to visit. She reads. She listens to me. You, internet land, are only part of how I got through my miscarriage. She is another big reason. She is who I called. And I felt guilty for burdening her with my pain. For a moment. She didn't let me feel that way for long. She bravely shouldered that grief with me and mourned the loss of a child that she hadn't met.
I will do that for her now, as much as she lets me. For as long as it takes.
DATE:Wednesday, May 30, 2007 at 11:31:00 PM EDT
Oh no! I'm so sorry for your friend, I can only imagine what she is going through right now, and what a double edged sword that you DO know, I'm so sorry :(
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 12:24:00 AM EDT
Found you through Gail...and sadly I too know the pain. Give your friend hugs from all of us that have been there, and have survived and come out on the other side. It's a long hard horrible road that we travel, but together we can make it a wee bit easier.
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 12:34:00 AM EDT
I think I gushed to you enough tonight but I will say again how sorry I am.
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 10:57:00 AM EDT
I'm just so, so sorry.
AUTHOR: Oh, The Joys
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 12:38:00 PM EDT
You are the best kind of friend.
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 1:43:00 PM EDT
I'm so sorry for her loss. I'm glad she has a friend like you to help her through this.
DATE:Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 11:33:00 PM EDT
You are a good friend. Hugs to both.
DATE:Friday, June 1, 2007 at 12:10:00 AM EDT
I'm so sorry. And so glad you have each other to help get through the shiz times.
DATE:Friday, June 1, 2007 at 4:48:00 PM EDT
First, so sorry for the loss. You are a terrific person.
Secondly, I went through this personally. I was found to have antiphospholipid syndrome -- a condition where your body forms clots when it doesn't need to. There was a clot in my placenta, and the baby was not able to get enough nourishment. I was able to go on to have two healthy babies, but I needed to be on heparin (self-given shots, twice a day) and monitored as high-risk.
They can test her for this if she thinks it could be possible.
DATE:Monday, June 4, 2007 at 12:46:00 PM EDT
It's weird how life hands you things you never thought you'd have use for.
You are a wonderful friend.
DATE:Monday, June 11, 2007 at 12:17:00 AM EDT
I agree with OTJ that you are the best kind of friend, the kind who gently steers the subject back to your friend's loss, because that is why she was there.