AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Tomorrow DATE: 4/02/2007 07:57:00 PM ----- BODY:
Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor.


I wrote that first sentence about 3 hours ago. Then I walked away. Then I walked back. Checked in on some of my favorites. Karaoke Diva has a new blog design, some great pictures, and a scary story about her son (he is okay now though). Kristen is talking about divooce. Nancy is doing parental madlibs.

I'm just delaying anxiety.


Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor. Alone.


Since December, I have been doing everything with Guy. He was laid off from work at the absolute worst and best time. Double whammy - lost job and lost baby - but still. He has had all the time in the world to help me along.

We have been together 24/7 ever since. We even go to therapy together. Although our therapist has laid down the, "Guy can't hold Canape's hand and stroke her head when she is getting out a good cry in the 50 minute hour."


Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions.


I want some answers. Even if they are multiple choice answers. I want to know what some of the reasons I'm not pregnant yet might be. Could it be related to the miscarriage? Could it be related to our ages? Could it be related to my emotions and this blasted anxiety? I want to know the possibilities.

I'm trying. I'm eating better. I'm exercising. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. I'm charting. Lord knows I'm having sex. Insert the "oh yeah-Luther Vandross-booty circling dance" here.

So I want to know what the possible answers are. And I'm am going to ask all by myself. Somehow, I know that I'm not conveying the importance of this.

I am a fiercely independent person. Fiercely. People who have known me a long time have their questions about me and Guy and my sudden "lack of independence." They are confusing a lack of independence with a "desire to be together," and a "sincere enjoyment of each other's company." I can see how that could happen.

However.


Tomorrow I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions. And I will be strong.


There is this part of me that doesn't want to try anymore. A defeated part of me. And that is so crazy because it hasn't been long at all. But I don't have any experience to put at the end of a pregnancy except pain. And with each month that the bleeding starts again, I am yanked back into the one moment that the bleeding was such a bad sign. And that is so crazy too. But true. I'm sighing at myself for even typing it, but dare I avoid it?

Then I sit up straight and take a good deep breath. And I quell that part of me because it is the irrational part. The part that lets emotion guide thought instead of thought guiding emotion. I will not do that anymore.


Tomorrow I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions. And I will be strong. I will not give up.

Labels: , ,

----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous FENICLE DATE:Monday, April 2, 2007 at 10:51:00 PM EDT You won't be totally alone. There will be MANY, MANY people thinking about you & praying for your strength to ask the questions & hear the answers. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Jen DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 12:36:00 AM EDT ...and i'll be thinking of you too, M.

searching for (and finding) answers can both be deathly scary and invigoratingly freedom-giving (wow are those even words?)

anyways, a necessary step in the process and you are so strong, so brave, you will do great.

(((((many hugs)))) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Paper Whore DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 8:04:00 AM EDT I second what Emily said! I will definitely be thinking about you and sending you all the mental support for that strength that I can! Go and get the answers you need.

Leaning more heavily on each other doesn't make you less independent. This is a trying time for both of you and you can't replace the solid support of a significant other during times like these. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mom Ma'am Me DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 9:30:00 AM EDT You'll be in my thoughts today too.
((hugs)) ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous JudesMommy DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 5:42:00 PM EDT When Nancy was here with the girls for our playdate she told me to stop by your blog and I'm so glad I did! I'm sending you lots of warm fertile energy, and my thoughts are with you. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous gail DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 6:03:00 PM EDT Emily is right on. You're in lots of peoples thought and prayers. Mine a lot I know for a fact. My wittle beige box friend, you rock my socks. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Oh, The Joys DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 7:41:00 PM EDT I will "hold you in the light" as the Quakers say.

Let us know how it goes when you are able.

Best,
OTJ ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 9:14:00 PM EDT How did it go, brave one? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Mamma DATE:Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 10:51:00 PM EDT Hope it went well. I know you can do it. ----- --------