AUTHOR: Marty, a.k.a. canape TITLE: Best laid off plans DATE: 1/06/2007 03:57:00 PM ----- BODY:
Guy has been laid off from his job. He saw it coming with the reorganization that began back in July, so he has been talking to people and working on some networking since then. When they laid off most of the geneticists whom he supported, the writing was on the wall for him.

On December 19, some random person from his company, not even his boss or the VP for his division, call to tell him he had been made "redundant." Then proceeded to tell him that they needed him to stay until April to train people. But he is redundant. Sensemaking.

The past week has been consumed with him trying to figure out the best scenario for our family and his career. The best offer he has is in Connecticut. I have never been that far north even. The next best offer is right here at home, but it is a far cry from the best offer. There are jobs in New Jersey and Boston too. We are trying to plan how to move, what happens with custody of Lovely, and how do we sell a house that we are in the middle of renovating?

Beautiful 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath home in desirable location. Kitchen is missing a wall and part of the ceiling. Master bath has no sink and only part of one wall. Front flower beds have all been dug up and are waiting for planting. A blank canvas for the creative home buyer!

Right on. I don't see that working very well.

Today, he was talking some more about the order of events in trying to get the houses we would need to sell in shape. I just started crying. A big heavy cry. The kind of cry that I thought would have stopped by now. I can say that it didn't last as long.

All of these plans, all of these conversations, used to be about the baby. We planned the nursery. We talked about a nanny. We planned the birth. We planned for names. Everything we planned was centered around Cleatus. Then, all of the sudden, he is gone. The baby is gone, the plans are gone.

All we have left to plan is a life without him.

Then I got mad at myself and felt so awful because regardless of the sane thing I wrote last night about having him for every bit of his natural life, I had this thought: I wish we hadn't wasted all that time. It will be that much longer until we have a baby now.

Oh my God, I wish I had never thought that. How awful is that? We did have a baby. For 12 weeks. For 12 weeks, we had a baby, and I just dismissed him in that thought because it didn't turn out like I wanted it to. I hope he doesn't know that I thought that.

If I'm going to heal and move on, I'm going to have to stop having stupid bad thoughts like that one.

Time to continue putting away the Christmas decorations. Except for the dishes. My Christmas dishes are called "winter dishes." That way, I can use them until Valentine's Day. Hooray.

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----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous bouellette DATE:Saturday, January 6, 2007 at 6:09:00 PM EST Canape,

After reading a few more of your blogs I feel for you as well. Know that the job thing will work itself out. That is nothing compared to the lives of those around us. I hate that you went through the loss of a child. I lost our first child to SIDS at 5 1/2 months old. Something that can drive you crazy, but you learn to live with. That child is always a part of your life. When my boys came along I was so thankful. They always knew they had an older sister. I could never keep it quiet like some people do. Thanks for your post and the Lord will give your Guy the perfect job, in Jesus' name. Hang in there girl. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous whymommy DATE:Sunday, January 7, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM EST I just had a thought -- if you do move, you may be the only woman in Connecticut with Christmas dishes. (Yes, readers, it is an old Southern custom to gift new brides with everyday dishes, china, and Christmas dishes. Really. It is. And Canape's are lovely.)

Is that an argument for you to go or not go? ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Sarah DATE:Sunday, January 7, 2007 at 7:59:00 PM EST That's rough stuff. Don't beat yourself up over negative thoughts. You are resentful of your circumstances, and understandably so. Thoughts like that may sneak in, and it doesn't mean that you didn't love Cleatus and that he is not still a part of you. It means that bad stuff happens and you wish it didn't. Anger and grief manifest themselves in a lot of ways--try not to be too hard on yourself. ----- COMMENT: AUTHOR:Anonymous Marty, a.k.a. canape DATE:Monday, January 8, 2007 at 11:00:00 PM EST Again, thanks. I feel like I say that all the time. But you guys are being so awesome.

Thank you. ----- --------